Foster kid returns

[Grady Clay]

Foster kid returns

What to do when former foster kid contacts after 15+ years?

I had a call from a kid (now 30+) that I foster parented in ’89-’90 +/- when he was 14-17. He has apparently had a somewhat tough life. He seems to need help in lots of areas (probably why he is calling after many years). What should I do?

He was always nice to me (other than the expected young teen difficulties given his background). When he became “of age” and disappeared from my life, he never chose to have contact (my address & phone are the same).

The difficulties are a life of alcohol (no drugs?), minor jobs, and a few scrapes with the law (DUIs & a felony 5 bar fight) and on parole. He is now a day-laborer living in a weekly motel. He has no money, no transportation and no support.

He is skilled in laying cement, both flat-work and foundations. Not much other. Education through 11th grade, no GED.

My question to the Forum: What should I do?

My inclination is to use my contacts to find him permanent employment in the concrete industry – something I can easily do. Should I also pay for short-term housing and transportation? What else – trade certification school? Other?

Here is a kid who was going to be lost from early in life. I first met him about age 12. As you can infer, I was a great influence in his life. I wish I had the opportunity to be more.

Am I trying to make up for the shortcomings in the situation years ago? Am I a “soft touch” from the past? Am I pissing up a tree?

I am looking at this as another opportunity to save a life.

What do you think? I value this Forum’s opinion, even OT.

Best,
Grady

[Rot 911]

Grady, I would sit down and have a chat with him and see what he has to say about why he is contacting you after so many years. You have a good heart and I would hate to see you taken advantage of. If he has any concrete skills at all he shouldn't have any problems finding a permanent job on his own.

[Jandrews]

Grady,

I would definitely help him get a job. That is something you can do for anyone, especially a friend or someone that you have some level of attachment to. A job is a gift that you can give him, and then watch to see how much he respects and takes care of that gift. I would set that expectation up front. If he demonstrates that he respects and takes care of what you give him, then I would say you have something worth working on. If he disrespects the job (and thereby, you), then you know what the next step is.

As for short-term assistance on housing / living expenses. I would do it with the verbal agreement that it is a loan. You obviously must be willing to lose this money in the event of a breech, but again, you will know soon enough what his intentions are. If he doesn't pay you back after he gets paid from the job that you assisted him in getting, dump him. Either way, he will get a great lesson, and you will have done "the right thing". You will sleep well at night knowing that you gave someone the chance to make something of themself. If he chooses not to, you still did something good by providing the opportunity.

These things are tough, but if you keep the right perspective, you will know you are doing the right thing, regardless of what his choices are.

Either way, good luck.


JA

[Don Plumley]

Help, but slowly and carefully. Take him out for a good meal once a week (neutral location) so he's fed and you can catch up. You can spot him a few dollars to make sure he can eat and sleep, but no so much it gets used on the wrong things. Help him find a job, and keep tabs remotely.

I'm the trusting kind - but I've read enough bad stories to be very cautious because you simply never know...not necessarily him, but folks he's hanging out with that might not be so nice.

Good luck to you and the young man. He's lucky to know you.

Don

[Schrup]

If he doesn't get his alcohol problem in check, he won't make it another 30+ years or be able to hold a job. I would think that would be the primary concern. His living situation can be easily remedied if he quits & stays sober. I don't know if he needs treatment, but if he's reaching out, he might be receptive.

I have a friend that I helped get into treatment & now he lives in a real nice Oxford house & has a decent job. Digging out of a drug ravished life isn't easy, but having a trade helps. It's my observation that it takes at least 5 years of clean living & hard work to see real results.

When I was 32, I had huge dependency problem & recovered through 12 step programs alone, no treatment. Does he have any kids? That can be a good motivator. I hope he is willing to do whatever it takes without reservation, or as I was told "As desperate as the dying can be".

I think the most important thing is that you be cautious & not get caught up in his success or failure too much. The odds are greatly against him & he may need to be beat down a bit more before he has found his bottom. You can be a nonjudgmental friend that can help, but don't endanger yourself.

I think having a sit down with him to find out what he is willing to do to better himself is a good start. If he is in denial about his alcohol problem, then I wouldn't enable him. Here's a link to Oxford House, good luck.

http://www.oxfordhouse.org/

[legion]

I got a call last week from a "friend" I hadn't heard from in a year.

I use the term "friend" loosely here.

He bounced a check he wrote as a wedding gift.

He nearly got me fired from a college summer job the one time I helped him get a job with me.

He has borrowed around $2000 from me over the last 15 years, never paid back a dime. I stopped loaning money to him 8 years ago.

About six months ago I got a collection notice at my address for his defaulted student loan. (I'm sure he figures he doesn't have to pay it back since he never got a degree.)

He has outstanding warrants in Texas (and I suspect Florida now too).

He has flirted with alcohol, pot, cocaine, opium, and heroin that I know of.

He decided to call at 2:30 a.m. on a Tuesday morning to announce he was back in the Chicago area. Fortunately my phone was downstairs and I didn't hear the call. I have no intention to call him back...ever. Thank God my address is not in the phone book (I wouldn't be surprised to see him turn up at my front door.)

My point? Some people cannot be saved. This guy looks at all acquaintances as people to beg, borrow, or steal money from. If you are anything less than a complete @$$hole to him, he assumes it is okay to come back for favors again and again. Some people you just have to cut off and let rot. Fortunately, some people can be saved too--I just haven't met any yet.

[Shaun @ Tru6]

Grady, there is no doubt you have a lot to offer this yound man. He may be 30+, but if he has had the tough life you describe, his decision-making capabilities are probably those of a teen, not an adult. Be ready for that and use it as a baseline in interacting with him and measuring your expectations.

Change is process, not an event. And while you can certainly *give* him a lot, the plain truth is that for this fellow to really grow and mature, he has to earn his way. And that's really the tough part of the whole thing: how do you help him without just making him your own, personal welfare state?

I like what Don said a lot. there's no substitute for quality time over a good meal on a regular basis where you can catch up as well as help him over some rough spots that will be inevitable. To really make a difference in this boy's life, you've got to invest yourself in the relationship. It's the only way that either of you will realize ROI on anything (job, a little spending $, etc.) you give him.

God Bless both of you.

[stomachmonkey]

He's reaching out to you. Why could be a lot of reasons.

Maybe he has not contacted you earlier as he feels he has been a failure up till now and was embarassed to let you know.

Maybe he has hit rock bottom and his need to survive has overtaken his pride.

Maybe he thinks you are a soft touch and an easy meal ticket.

Maybe he thinks you are the only one who he can trust.

Lots of things could be going on and the only way to start to get a handle is to sit and talk with him.

If after your talk you feel he honestly wants to improve his life then help him with the job. Ground rule #1, he f's it up that's it, you're done.

Whoever does you the favor of employing him should know that this is the only favor you are asking. He should be treated like anyone else, he f's up he's out.

Help him find a better place to live. You pay the rent yourself for the 1st or if necc 2nd month, the money is a loan. You open a joint account with him, his pay gets direct deposited into it. He has limited access to it, more as he proves he can handle it. Your loan gets paid back from the account on an agreed schedule.

He MUST get his GED as a condition to helping him. When he's done with that he MUST volunteer at a church, soup kitchen, any charity, habitat for humanity (he can use his skills) where he can get some self worth out of helping others.

He has proven that up till now he can not take care of himself so you are rewinding the clock on him, yes you are treating him like a child, that's how he is behaving. It's obvious that what he has been doing up till now ain't working out for him.

If he balks at any of it then he does not really want to turn his life around, wish him luck and say goodbye. Let him know that the offer does not have an expiration, just conditions that he must agree to.

Tough love time.

Good luck. Hope you can make a difference.

[Cdnone1]

I'm with Schrup
I've had "friends " like this young man. If he doesn't get his drinking under control (stopped) he will have no future
Steve

Grady - Find out where he is in his addiction/recovery. If he's still a practicing user (drugs or booze), there's a good chance that he wants something from you. If he is at a bottom and wants a new life, get him to a 12 step and see that he goes to meetings every day. Don't burn any of your contacts for him until you're sure hes going in a positive direction. There is hope.

[stomachmonkey]

Originally posted by legion
I got a call last week from a "friend" I hadn't heard from in a year.

I use the term "friend" loosely here.

He bounced a check he wrote as a wedding gift.

He nearly got me fired from a college summer job the one time I helped him get a job with me.

He has borrowed around $2000 from me over the last 15 years, never paid back a dime. I stopped loaning money to him 8 years ago.

About six months ago I got a collection notice at my address for his defaulted student loan. (I'm sure he figures he doesn't have to pay it back since he never got a degree.)

He has outstanding warrants in Texas (and I suspect Florida now too).

He has flirted with alcohol, pot, cocaine, opium, and heroin that I know of.

He decided to call at 2:30 a.m. on a Tuesday morning to announce he was back in the Chicago area. Fortunately my phone was downstairs and I didn't hear the call. I have no intention to call him back...ever. Thank God my address is not in the phone book (I wouldn't be surprised to see him turn up at my front door.)

My point? Some people cannot be saved. This guy looks at all acquaintances as people to beg, borrow, or steal money from. If you are anything less than a complete @$$hole to him, he assumes it is okay to come back for favors again and again. Some people you just have to cut off and let rot. Fortunately, some people can be saved too--I just haven't met any yet.

Ran into one of my "best friends" at my HS 20 year reunion. I'd moved from that school in 10th grade.

Was really excited to see him, gave him my contact info and was looking forward to catching up.

Another friend comes over and says "uhm, you DO know that Joe just got of jail right? After HS he started running around with a gang in Chinatown that ran guns and ripped off drug dealers. Someone tried to kill him one day by sticking a knife in him a half dozen times. The Fed's put him in solitary to keep him alive while they got him to turn on all of his old associates. You probably don't want to stand to close to him since he's a walking target"

Needless to say I didn't answer my phone for 2 months and he finally stopped calling.

[Paul K]

Grady,
some excellent advice here. My main concern would be that you are helping him to help himself- and that he will not become dependant upon, nor take advantage of, your generous spirit. It may be wise to set a timetable for the help you will provide, and some ground rules- no drugs/drinking/trouble with the law. If you believe in him, this may be what he needs to thrive & grow. Has he actually asked for anything or is he just sussing you out? I think an honest face-to-face is a good idea, it might give you a feel for how genuine this guy is. If he genuinely needs and will appreciate your help, I think you should give it, as outlined above.

Cheers,

Paul.

[Moses]

Grady, you're a good man with a kind heart. There is no doubt that you will try to help the man. I hope he is ready to be helped. Tell him you'll hook him up with a good job, but insist on sobriety. If he's not willing to commit to sobriety, he won't make a meaningful commitment to any job you might help him get.

If he's truly at a crossroad in his life and he understands what's at stake and he wants to turn things around, you might very well save his life (again).

You're a good man. I hope your kindness and generosity are appreciated.

[nostatic]

12 step.

I'd help with the job referral but that's it. I wouldn't make a "loan" to him because you might either be enabling bad behavior, or setting up expectations that he'll never be able to live up to.

You need more information, but be on guard. I've had friends burned because they didn't "expect the worst/hope for the best". When I got my sht together, getting sober was job one. Everything else came second.

[Hugh R]

If you don't live at the same address, don't let him know where you live.

[MichiganMat]

12 step.

The guys in those programs will have more and better advice for this guy than you could ever hope to give, probably some good job hookups as well.

Some really great advice coming from you guys BTW.

[Evans, Marv]

Grady,
Nice of you to seriously consider helping him. I suspect he is reaching toward the bottom of the barrel by contacting you after 15 years. Could be he has used up his other resources. If at 30+ years old, he hasn't gotten his act together, I don't know if I would be of much help. As has been said before, you can't help everyone. I learned by getting burned a couple of times. That doesn't mean I won't help someone again, but it does mean I won't help more than what it takes to give them a kick start on their way with them being responsible for themselves after that. I wouldn't let him know where I lived. I would meet with him a couple of times. Once to get a feel for what is actually going on with him - if you can. After that, I would consider setting him up with a job prospect. But getting the job & keeping it would be his responsibility. With an income, he should be able to fend for himself. You don't have to fend for him.

[svandamme]

Originally posted by Don Plumley
Help, but slowly and carefully. Take him out for a good meal once a week (neutral location) so he's fed and you can catch up. You can spot him a few dollars to make sure he can eat and sleep, but no so much it gets used on the wrong things. Help him find a job, and keep tabs remotely.

what he says

[Joeaksa]

Agree with much of the above, but some not sure.

Get with him and find out if he is still abusing anything, drugs or booze. Also try to figure out if he is contacting you because he respected you and needs the stability that you provided at one time or is he out for what he can get from you.

If he wants a future then help him. If he just wants to freeload off of you then push him away after telling him that he needs to help himself first, then ask for help from others.

Joe

[livi]

This is a multi layer situation. There is him and there are you. His needs and yours. Do not look upon yourself as an 100% altruistic giver.

Find out as much as you can about his motives / hopes / wishes.

Look into your heart. What would be your own personal true wish in this situation ? There are no obvious rules in this context. One person reaching out to another. Go by your heart. You are the only one in a position to know what you want / should do.

You strike me as a person with a large amount of good conscience, big heart and intelligence.

You and him will likely find yourselves facing obstacles, but I am convinced you have the competence and capacity to do what is best for both of you. Have faith in your own ability. It´s there.

Good luck and excuse my bad English.