Divorced guys, tell me some stories...

[Rick Lee]

Sorry about the cross-post. I meant to make this one its own.

Though the job is not going well at all, I am starting to shop for a ring. I know every engaged and even newlywed couple thinks they'll last forever and that about half of them do. What's the best way to ensure what happened to you doesn't happen to me?

[red-beard]

Chastity belt and only you get the key

[rammstein]

Congratz on the pending engagement! If what you are getting at is just nervousness about getting things right, cool. If you are feeling a mortal fear set in, step back for a bit- your gut is telling you something.

I wrote this, and its a bit OT as I am not divorced, but I think there are some things to be considered here:

Celebrated 2 year anniversary yesterday

Being concerned about avoiding pitfalls is a good thing, hopefully the lucky gal is also concerned about getting it right. I consider my marriage to be a very happy coexistence, and I still sometimes think about whether or not I will screw it up. Its normal, IMO.

[red-beard]

The most important thing, other than big boobs, is to have the same values and the same goals.

[lendaddy]

Trust, trust and trust. In both directions.

Not manufactured for peace of mind, but because you just do based on your experience with her..

[rammstein]

Originally posted by lendaddy
Trust, trust and trust. In both directions.

Seriously.

[red-beard]

No trust, no marriage. It does not mean blind trust, but if for some reason either of you can't trust the other, it will never work.

My ex (#2) had serious trust problems because she was the "other" woman in several affairs. Now she has trouble trusting men, because they all cheat.

[austin552]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QaLmsyM4pfk

[JSDSKI]

Lust and Trust.

Women feel and then think. Men think and avoid feelings (gets in the way of hunting). Learn to exchange feelings before ideas. When women ask a question they don't want a solution in response. They don't want you to treat their conversation/ feelings/ concerns as problems to be solved. They want it treated as an exchange of emotion and intimacy. I learned this a little too late.

All the best "happily ever after", Rick.

[Dan in Pasadena]

Trust, same goals, same values, same religions, etc, etc. all will NOT keep you from divorcing. There is no formula. THese things help but assure nothing.

My childhood sweetheart and I were together 5+ years, married 6 weeks short of 20 years and she came home one day and wanted out. I know, I know, "it must be you, how could you not know?".

We never had money problems, no one was cheating, drinking, drugging, hitting...nothing. We had/have two kids we adored...she just wanted out. Not saying this will happen to you, but it could. It does to some.

[nostatic]

***** happens. roll the dice and hang on.

lack of communication kills most relationship. be prepared to compromise but not surrender. and be cool with it other wise resentment will kill the relationship.

my 3rd time will be a charm. or else....

[JeremyD]

Make sure you can't live with out her. The first one I married because it seemed like the thing to do. She was cute, sorority girl, educated, didn't embarras me - same type of goals - so yeah - guess a ring was in order. Turned out she was psycho b!tch from hell.

$64,000 later and an exyended 2 year divorce - I jumped right back into it with a woman I couldn't live without. 8 years later and I couldn't be happier.

[Super_Dave_D]

Originally posted by Dan in Pasadena

My childhood sweetheart and I were together 5+ years, married 6 weeks short of 20 years and she came home one day and wanted out. I know, I know, "it must be you, how could you not know?".

We never had money problems, no one was cheating, drinking, drugging, hitting...nothing. We had/have two kids we adored...she just wanted out. Not saying this will happen to you, but it could. It does to some.

Man that sounds just like me - except mine only lasted 12 years. Mine wanted out and didnt want anything - house, profit sharing (25 years one company) Nothing - well child support but very reasonable. She didnt even want a lawyer. Needless to say - I am assisting her in anyway possible.

[Rick Lee]

Nostatic, I know what you mean about the resentment thing. One thing about Mainland Chinese women is that they're usually really easy going, but keep stuff bottled up for a long time. I found this out the very hard way. The first real fight I ever had with my ex-fiance was when she just came out and said she couldn't marry me after we had been (so I thought) happily engaged for a few mos. Turns out I had unknowingly pissed her off lots of times over the last year, but she had just smiled and pretended all was fine. The resentment reached critical mass and she exploded. With my current one, I still have to drag it out of her, but I know when something's bothering her.

[nostatic]

You gotta work on that stuff before you're married. You can try couples counseling if she's game. The cultural differences between you will cause friction unless you are totally up front and open about them. If you shine a light on the dark places, they are no longer dark.

May sound like touchy-feely crap, but I've learned a lot in the past few years...but some women are just plain nuts. Dating is a fascinating social experiment. Anyone got $500?

[Rick Lee]

Yes, I am well aware of the cultural differences. Learned the hard way. And I have been to China twice AND met my gf's hot MILF, 52 yr. old mom. Unlike the last one, this gf wants to stay in the US, assimilate and all that. That makes the differences a tad easier to overcome than someone who cheers at US troop deaths on the news. Oh, don't get me started on that.

[lendaddy]

Originally posted by Rick Lee
a tad easier to overcome than someone who cheers at US troop deaths on the news. Oh, don't get me started on that.

Ahhhh man, I just had a vision of you and Fast Pat. Thanks.

[M.D. Holloway]

I hope she has a sense of humor, a thin mom and a trust fund - if so, your all set.

[Flatbutt1]

So I could add my horror story to the pile, how I lost my 401K, half the house, had to fight to stay in touch with my children, how 18 years later there is still psych damage my kids are dealing with...but hey...you love her and shes different ...right?

So i'll just say roll the dice and take your chance like we all did.

[pwd72s]

Originally posted by Rick Lee
What's the best way to ensure what happened to you doesn't happen to me?

Simple...you eliminate all risk of divorce by never getting married.