What do you do, when you can't get over someone?
 

Hi,

Short of it this; I married my long time girlfriend, only to get divorced two years later never to speak to each other again. This puts me into a deep depression for a couple of years. During this time, I develop feelings for a girl that manages the office I used to work for. We end up in a 6 month (june 06) relationship, I quit my job due to lack of $ and going nowhere (A bit depressed from quiting), relationship seems to be going great and then she calls and says things are not going to work out. I'm crushed.

She has a kid that I greatly adore and miss. She and I text, but she does not want to see me or talk on the phone. This also makes things a bit frustrating. I just can't get over them and don't know what to do. :(

I try and occupy my free time, but I can't get them out of my mind.

Dave

Turn the page brother, you are driving yourself nuts over something you have no control over.

Do some stuff for yourself for a while. If you don't take care of yourself first, how can you do anything for anyone else. You need your head on straight or you will be a lonely man

"The quickest way to get over a woman
is to get under another one."


This seems a bit over the top but actually it is a very true statement...
however if that doesnt fly cause you cant find another one
or dont want to pay for one... ;)

then I suggest you consider learning Transcendental Meditation.

Seriously if you can control your mind by learning how to slip
into the gap between thoughts, it can really help you get a grasp
on your emotions and how they are most often not based in
reality. We need to learn to slow down our thinking and filter
out that which doesnt or shouldnt matter...and TM is the only
physical method that we have in doing so (other than death or
drugs which provide "temporary" solutions)

Ive learned this TM and it has transformed my life, and i come
back to it often in times of perceived stress.

quit texting. that is bs.

btdt. cut all contact, move on. no lingering death.

yeah, you need to go out and meet many women. Seriously. My bro is going through the same thing. Go out and meet people, anyone. Just get out there and spend time with people...also, start reading, learning something you always wanted to "get around to" but never had the chance. Do that now to fill the void. It's not easy but it can be rewarding. Lot's of learning about thyself. Good luck buddy!

Good advice K. Roman...

My advice was to look internally and work on your internal mind...
but the other side of the coin is just getting out and doing something
to interact with females and other people....socialize.

Good suggestion! I learned TM several years ago. That reminds me, I really need to start meditating again...:)

Best of luck to you Dave! I've been there before myself!

Todd: We kind of did for a while, but in my boredom, her son found me again on (a kid's web site) and I would wander around with him while he was at his mom's work - I created an account when I was working at my previous job, because at first, the owners young son would come into the shop and wanted me to sign up and "play" when he was there. She dropped me a quick email thanking me for playing with her son and so, the texts began again.

K. Roman, I have no idea what to do. Bars and clubs are not really the thing for me anymore. I have also always been a bit of an introvert - always watching from the wings, never liked large crowds and I have a hard time time meeting women. Lack of a self confidence really. I used to read a lot. Maybe I should pick up War and Peace...

My mind races. Always has, goes into over-drive when I try and sleep. I also deal with ADD, which does not help and meds prevent me from functioning at all.

EDIT: I really need to stop looking at the "Random pictures thread"... :rolleyes:

how old is you? Just wondering.

Thank you. To be honest, I was going to offer you my couch for your spring break, would have let you borrowed the Toyota, but my current situation (and really messy place) kept me silent.

Dave

A ripe, young 34 (my bones say otherwise :rolleyes: )

Dave

Originally posted by Wayne at Pelican Parts
I'm no expert, but here's my advice:

- If she broke it off suddenly and without warning, then obviously there was something wrong that you seriously missed. Don't feel bad, I think most of us (myself included) have been in those shoes before.

I did miss something. It's the timing that really hurts.

- I figured out the best way to get over someone is to go out and start socializing. Get your butt off of the OT forum, and get outside. Doesn't matter if it's with friends, or you join a club, or just start at a gym, or go play some poker. The more people you meet the more people will meet you, and soon something will come along - it always does.

I really, really do not have $$ to invest in gyms or loose to poker. I wish I could use my ski pass to its fullest, but, I cannot.

- Finally, time heals all wounds, and there's really no replacement for it. Like a bad hangover from the night before, you just need to wait it out.
-Wayne

Yes, I know.

Dave

I'm not a therapist and hesitate to offer any advice but i'd agree that you need to look after yourself first. Get your job situation under control and focus on YOU. Other folks will always disappoint and you cannot hang your happiness on their opinion of you. I really can't stress this enough.

Sorry to hear about your situation, Dave. I suppose many of us have a similar experience. Very complex feelings.

You can not fight what you feel. Impossible to rationalize it away. Life hurts, sometimes like hell. Only time will heal. In the meantime you will suffer. Embrace that feeling. Let it wear out. Focus on yourself as the center of your world. You are a good person and you are worth happiness. It will come to you if you start looking at yourself as the main man. You are center of everyday life - not her. You are the only one - not her.

The feelings are non voluntary. I have been there myself a couple of times and looking back I can´t understand why I had to torture myself so much over that person. She was not worth it and more importantly, there are thousands of women that will make you more happy.

You can´t fight your current state of mind. Accept it as natural. Let time heal and realize you are The Man and you will find happiness in good time.

You are a good, worthy guy, Dave. It is her loss.

BTDT.

Dude, you have a 911. Get out and drive it!! Join up with local Porsche buddies and get out.
I'm am not a social person either but when I went through a similar thing my hot rod(I didn;t have my SC then) got me through the lonely times. Ten years ago I was just starting my divorce (both of us agreed to it) but by doing stuffwith family or just driving around helped me.
Now, I have a great wife and two awesome kids that think Daddy is the greatest. Above all else, take care of your own health. There is life after a relationship ends. It just might be better than this one, You never know. :)
Take care, Dave.

I just turned 36 and my marriage lasted a brief 1year before we went our separate ways (sadly), this was back in '04.

I have a mind that never quits...and I have been there, and I was in terrible anguish. What did I do? I bought a 930 that I got very absorbed in and a neat old house to work on.

I have been single since but dated extensively, I am still single and I enjoy it, but at the same very open and conscious to not get set in my ways as one day would like to settle down again.

I wish you the best, its a dark valley to climb, which many of us have made it.

Good luck to you. Mental health is a state that most take for granted.

Yasin

Dave,

Much good advice here, but I'd like to add some things:

Do you have a religious preference? If so, start going to the church of your choice. Go to events with the church. You will meet people, you will have people wanting to meet you. I'm Anglican (Episcopal) and I noticed this after my divorce.

I started going back to church and met many wonderful people. I also re-met my second (and FINAL) Wife, the one who bought me a Porsche for my birthday! This past weekend I was visiting my Mother and we went to her church on Sunday. I had two rather attractive and single women inquire directly to me if I was married or not. Good women want a man with commitment and belief is my opinion. I'm sure other people will disagree.

Hey Dave,

Boy, do I feel your pain!

Over the past year and a half I have;

-Divorced from a wife of 19+ years.
-Re-married another girl.
-Separated from wife #2 (we're still trying to work things out).
-Been diagnosed with ADHD this past Fall.
-Been taken off of Lexapro (medication that I had been taking for over 6 years for anxiety) by the psychiatrist that diagnosed the ADHD.
-Went through some VERY severe withdrawal symptoms from Lexapro.
-Had a very bad reaction to some ADHD meds that I was prescribed (see separation above).

I just turned 45 last month and have had more suicidal thoughts this past year or so than I'd like to think about. I'm just now starting to see a very faint light at the end of the tunnel. I could have never imagined the kind of pain that I have felt. I lost everything that made me comfortable. It's been devastating, and I still have a long way to go, but things are moving in the right direction.

LOT'S of good advice here. Time does heal, it just takes longer than most of us would like it to. You can and will make it, just keep yourself busy and do things that you enjoy. Force yourself up and off the couch! An idle mind is your enemy. Your mind will wander into places that you don't need to be wandering.

Big ditto on the socializing. Don't be afraid to pour out your heart to a sympathetic ear. It may be difficult given that you're an introvert, but leaning on others will help you center yourself. It will help you validate your feelings and realize that you are not alone. Talk to people! Along those lines, this forum is a great place to start, and you have made the first step. If you need someone to compare battle scars with, PM me. I'll gladly share "virtual beer" with ya. http://www.pelicanparts.com/support/...s/beerchug.gif

A little advice on this one. Be careful who you pick as that sympathetic ear. This could end up everyone else knowing what you've told that ear (gossiper), and could be used against you as well (e.g., the ear being a coworker).

Sympathetic ear is good, just choose wisely.

Being burned is why I've become rather private today. It's tacky to blab what was told in private, and be aware, it even happens on friggin forums!

Edit to amend: David, I'm not saying you're like that, I'm sure you're not, please remember that, I just wanted to give him something to think about when proceeding with your suggestion, which BTW, is a good one.

You might try some happy pills if you feel like life is like a dark valley of sorrow with no light in sight.

Aurel

No, you just haven't learned some of the technical aspects of conversation.

Read this book:

http://www.thingsyouneverknew.com/website/store/product_detail.asp?UID=2007031710484562&item%5Fno= 4807&keyword=power+conversation&cat%5Fkeyword=&sea rch%5Fpage%5Fno=1

Lots of good advice here Dave......
 

I have nothing special to add except another voice of support. I separated 2 years ago....and have been in another relationship since, and it has certainly had its ups and downs.
You will meet someone natually when you're ready. What I suggest is what others have. Drag yourself out, especially when you don't want to, and go for a walk, or a drive, get out of the environment where you brood.
Look up on the net in your area for support groups, or clubs that are free....there are many car type clubs, singles groups, etc.....just stay busy.

I agree with breaking the contact, it will not do you, or the child any good long term if she is not willing.....you sound like a nice guy, so be good to yourself first, and then someone else will want to share.

Good luck.....

Dave,
Move along and put your energy elsewhere. Good luck to you, you'll meet the "right" woman just when you aren't looking too hard!

Hang in there man--things will get better.
Christian.

Cut the cord, be a man and move on.

1. Cut off all contact, cold turkey.

(This is an absolute must. The healing doesn't start until that happens. It just takes time. Cut it off, it's over, there's nothing you can do about that. The sooner you can put 6 months of no contact between you and her/son, the better.)

2. Do other things to keep yourself and your mind busy.

(Don't dwell on it, try to move on, find anything to keep yourself occupied. For many guys, that's "hopping back on the saddle," and IMO that's perfectly legit and healthy. But it can be work, cars, etc. Just keep busy).

You'll be all right, man. It just wasn't meant to be. But it's over, move on, time heals all wounds.

I think you're playing a dangerous game having contact with her son. Primarily because you're messing with the kids feelings. He/she doesn't have the maturity to understand "its over" and you're helping drag it out. Secondly because that's a huge liability in todays world if you ask me. I suspect that most parents would have a HUGE FREAKOUT if they found out an ex-flame was testing their kid and meeting them in internet sites. (Think of how it sounds). I'm sure you mean no harm, but I doubt a judge or lawyer would see it that way... Too many sickos out there.

If she means "over" than you have to move on because no amount of contact is going to fix anything. Good luck dude.

Also, the kid isn't yours. It's hers. You need to stop using the kid as an excuse for wanting to stay with her. It's not your child so you cannot keep in contact with him...that may be looked at as strange. You are to old to be hanging with someones kid. And stop looking at your lack of money as an excuse not to do things. And shyness as an excuse not to go out. You really need to listen to other people right now, get out and do things. Ride a bike, go to your local coffee house, read books there.

Go to local bar, have a drink with a guy friend. You say you don't like that but if you have a buddy, what's not to like about sharing a beer with your friend at a bar?

Stop making excuses, stop feeling sorry for yourself and go out and start living!!!

I do appreciate the advice and thoughts. I am off to my R/C hobby. I have been out of that for 6+ months now. Not religious. It's funny though, Churches seem to have ski groups (and other activities), but Synagogues do not really have ski clubs. Don't know why that is.

Dave

Good advice a friend of mine gave me when I was going through one of my breakups: go out and do something for someone else (ie, volunteer).

Today there was a Heal the Bay beach cleanup at Venice (over at noon though). Next weekend there is a cleanup at Malibu creek. Doesn't cost you anything other than the gas (use the p-car to get there) and a few hours. Good for the soul...and there may be chicks

http://www.healthebay.org

http://www.healthebay.org/calendar/months/2007_03.asp

Cooking classes and book clubs....chicks......

dance classes...tango, ballroom, etc. Chicks for DAYS.

A big yes to what everyone else is saying.

Cut all ties... walk... no, run away... far far away! No more texting BS! Stay away from the kid for the above reasons, I know it sounds mean and it's not the kids fault but it could get you in a mess of trouble and you will never get over her as long as you hanging with him.

Move you body, walk, run, bike... DO SOMETHING... I won't get into all the medical jargon but exercise does all kinds of good things for depression (chemically).

I'm very much like you, introverted and self critical... you CAN change those attitudes but it takes time and effort.

The R/C hobby sounds cool and if it helps go for it.

Hang in there and best of luck!

Good stuff (I'm taking notes!)

Great advice on volunteering too... once when I was really depressed I went down to the homeless shelter and handed out food. Not only does it give you warm fuzzies but after seeing how those people live you walk away thinking WTF am I bummed about?

hospital volunteer. nurses are beat down by doctors day and night. show them some real respect and affection...

stress real BTW.

as a group, they're also the most "adventuresome" women you'll find.

Are you athletic at all? I have a friend, actually former business partner, who is severely ADHD--has not medicated because he has no idea he is so awesomely ADD--extremely forgetful, seems self-centered, can't keep focused on any one thing, etc.

He started cycling like a maniac; i guess it's the natural release of endorphins and/or dopamine, but he's a different person--much easier to live with.

Try running or cycling, which will also get you into groups of people who can be, by nature, loners--especially runners. It also allows you to accomplish something every day and feel better about yourself, getting out of the wallowing self-pity which probably depresses you more.

J

The American species perhaps..

actually I've know some school teachers who were...umm...fun.

no offense intended Markus, but since we have a completely different (and f'ed up) healthcare infrastructure here in the States, I'm not surprised there's a different dynamic elsewhere in the world.

But seriously, I think you are generally correct. Not least in larger facilities, like University hospitals. The shear amount of young eager female staff is overwhelming. Being a consultant specialist in that setting is a preeeeety groooovy position.. ;)