Tuesday night humour

[porsche911girl]

I got this in an email and thought it was too funny not to pass along!

SPRING CLASSES FOR MEN
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Classes begin April 9 2007

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and
Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor ---
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturday at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 6
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM.

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places
And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum .
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesday at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing .
Tuesday at 7:00 PM, location to be determined.

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours ! Beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:0 0 PM for 2 hours.p>

Class 14
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesday at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

[mattdavis11]

It seems that just by having the classes, 100% of the need to have these courses will be solved.

Can't happen honey, I have class at 7:00 tonight, Wed, Friday and noon on Saturday!

[SlowToady]

Almost too easy to reply to. Although, I did chuckle at a few...

[legion]

Some classes I'd like to see for wives:

"Money doesn't go on trees: Credit Cards aren't free money"

"Managing the Mane: All that hair on the bathroom floor is yours"

"Automotive Warning Lights: Don't tape over the Low Oil Light"

"Setting Boundaries: Don't touch the grill and he won't touch the oven"

"Life Of the Party: Learn to Buy and Make the Drink He Likes"

"Daily Affirmations: Watching Porn means He Loves You"

"Daily Affirmations II: Learn to Share His Love of Porn"

[Porsche-O-Phile]

0.0 GPA in those courses.

[SlowToady]

Legion, did you read my mind?

[ledhedsymbols]

Legion you are a goddamn genius!

[KFC911]

Originally posted by Porsche-O-Phile
0.0 GPA in those courses.

You mean you didn't drop them? Some classes are just impossible to pass

[Z-man]

SEMINARS FOR FEMALES (prepared and presented by males)
1. Elementary Map Reading
2. Crying and Law Enforcement
3. Advanced Math Seminar: Programming Your VCR
4. You CAN Go Shopping for Less than 4 Hours
5. Gaining Five Pounds vs. The End of the World: A Study in Contrasts
6. The Seven-Outfit Week
7. PMS:It's YOUR Problem, Not Mine ("It's Happened Monthly Since Puberty:
Deal With it")
8. Driving I: Getting Past Automatic Transmissions
9. Driving II: The Meaning of Blinking Orange Lights
10. Driving III: Approximating a Constant Speed
11. Driving IV: Makeup and Driving: It's As Simple As Oil and Water
12. Football: Not a Game, A Sacrament
13. Telephone Translation (formerly titled "Me Too Equals I Love You")
14. How to Earn Your Own Money
15. Gift-giving Fundamentals (formerly titled "Fabric Bad, Electronics
Good")
16. Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy is on Your Side
17. Beyond "Clean and Dirty": The Nuances of Wearable Laundry
18. Yes, You Can Fill Up At A Self Serve Station
19. Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 50+ Channels
20. What Goes Around Comes round: Why His Credit Card is Not a Toy
21. His Best Friend Can Be Yours Too
22. His Poker Games: Deal Yourself Out
23. Commitment Schmittment (formerly titled "Wedlock Schmedlock")
24. To Honor and Obey: Remembering the Small Print Above "I Do"
25. Why Your Mother Is Unwelcome In The House
26. Your Mate: Selfish Jerk, or Victimized Sensitive Man?

SEMINARS FOR MALES (prepared and presented by females)
1. Combating Stupidity
2. You, Too, Can Do Housework
3. PMS: Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
4. How to Fill an Ice Tray
5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas: Give us Money
6. Understanding the Female Response to Your Coming in Drunk at 4:00am
7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formerly titled "Don't Wash my Silks")
8. Parenting: No, it Doesn't End With Conception
9. Get a Life: Learn to Cook
10. How Not to Act Like a Jackass When You're Obviously Wrong
11. Spelling: Even You Can Get it Right
12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
13. You: The Weaker Sex
14. Reasons to Give Flowers
15. How to Stay Awake in Public
16. Why it is Unacceptable to Relieve Yourself Anywhere but the bathroom
17. Garbage: Getting it to the Curb
18. I'll Wear it if I Darn Well Please
19. How to Put the Toilet Lid Down (formerly titled, No, It's Not
Automatic)
20. "The Weekend" and "Sports" are Not Synonyms
21. Give Me a Break: Why We Know Your Excuses are Bull
22. How to Go Shopping with Your Mate and Not Get Lost
23. The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
24. Helpful Postural Hints for Couch Potatoes
25. Mothers-in-Law: They are People Too
26. Male Bonding: Leaving Your Friends at Home
27. You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
28. Seeing the True You (formerly titled "No, You Don't Look Like Mel
Gibson When Naked")
29. Changing Your Underwear: It Really Works
30. The Attainable Goal: Omitting burping and farting from your list of
"fun activities."
31. Fluffing the Blankets After Flatulating is Not Necessary
32. Techniques for calling home

And now for the advanced graduate degree classes:

Continuing Education Courses For Women

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits.
3. Combating the Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You Do Not Need New Shoes
Everyday.
4. Parties: Going Without New Outfits.
5. Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait Until After
the Game.
6. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.
7. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor Is His.
8. Valuation: Just Because It's Not Important to You . . .
9. Communication Skills I: Tears-The Last Resort, Not the First.
10. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking.
11. Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging.
12. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire.
13. Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair Share.
14. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up.
15. Introduction to Parking.
16. Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space.
17. Overcoming Anal Retentive Behavior: Leaving the Towels on the Floor.
18. Water retention: Fact or Fat.
19. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter.
20. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not For Human Consumption.
21. Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People.
22. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully.
23. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His.
24. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To.
25. Sex - It's For Married Couples Too.
26. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have.
27. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice.
28. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together.
29. Ballet: For Women Only.
30. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both.
31. Learning to Go in Public Restrooms.
32. Appreciating the Humor of the Three Stooges.
33. "Do These Jeans Make My Butt Look Big?"-Why Men Lie.
34. TV Remotes: For Men Only.

[Z-man]

Ok, here's a guy test I found along with the seminar stuff:

Are You a Real Guy? (by Dave Barry)
Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness Quotient

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth,
and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship,
they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable
of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out
hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over
the entire Earth. You decide to:
a. Present it to the president of the United States.
b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations.
c. Take it apart.

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do
you miss the most?
a. Innocence.
b. Idealism.
c. Cherry bombs.

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without
regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike
way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.

4. What about hugging another male?
a. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
b. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case, you
should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food trapped in this male's
trachea! I am not in any way aroused!")
c. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to
win the World Series, you may hug him provided that (1) He is legally within
the basepath, (2) Both of you are wearing protective cups, and (3) You also
pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures.

5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to...
a. ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones.
b. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
c. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.

6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
a. A cat.
b. A dog.
c. A dog that eats cats.

7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always
enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy-- you're
watching a football game; she's reading the papers--when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky,
tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not
knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married;
only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?
a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you
don't want to rush it.
b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say
that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't
want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.

8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life
with her-sharing the joys and the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures
and opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with
the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
c. Tell her what?

9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready
for school. Your first question to her is:
a. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
b. "They're in school already?"
c. "There are three of them?"

10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large
that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the
garbage regularly in case somebody--and we are not naming names, but this
would be his wife; is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is
frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate
relationship with it than with her.

11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the
Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
a. He was being tested.
b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
c. He refused to ask directions.

12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
a. Democracy.
b. Religion.
c. Remote control.

How to Score:

Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer "c." A real guy would score at
least 10 on this test. In fact, a real guy would score at least 15, because he would get
the special five-point bonus for knowing the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's
disease and cancer.

[Z-man]

I have to post just one more -- my favorite -- the ATM machine...

His and Hers drive through ATM machines:
HIS:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt
5. Drive away
HERS:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Back up and pull forward to get closer
3. Engage parking brake
4. Shut off engine
5. Put keys in purse
6. Get out of car because you're too far from machine
7. Hunt for card in purse
8. Insert card
9. Hunt in purse for grocery receipt with PIN written on it.
10. Enter PIN
11. Study instructions.
12. Hit "cancel"
13. Re-enter correct PIN
14. Check balance
15. Look for envelope
16. Look in purse for pen
17. Make out deposit slip
18. Endorse checks
19. Make deposit
20. Study instructions
21. Make cash withdrawal
22. Get in car
23. Check makeup
24. Look for keys
25. Start car
26. Check makeup
27. Start pulling away
28. Stop
29. Back up to machine
30. Get out of car
31. Take card and receipt
32. Get back in car
33. Put card in wallet
34. Put receipt in checkbook
35. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
36. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
37. Check makeup
38. Put car in reverse
39. Put car in drive
40. Drive away from machine
41. Drive 3 miles
42. Release parking brake

[scottmandue]

[livi]

Oh boy! I have been laughing threw the last posts so hard I am weeping!

I need to figure out how to print some of it. Particularly the "Mission to buy pants". Absolutely brilliant and how true!

[Groesbeck Hurricane]

Scott,

I take GREAT umbrance with your chart!!!

The woman would not go all through Sears, there is an automotive/tool/BBQ grill section!!!

[Aerkuld]

We have no end of classes and courses at work. I was considering doing "Refilling the coffee pot for Managers"

[M.D. Holloway]

During a birthday party for a neighbor (a 13 yr old girl), Our Son was out number by pre-pubescent girls 15:1. After listening to the girls for at least 30 minutes, His comment to me:

"Dad, why are girls so confusing?"

Now I am one that prides himself at being able to solve the toughest problems, tackle any argurment, apply logic and reason in every instance, the only thing I could say was...

"Whatda say you come outside and watch me smake a cigar with the other Dads. I won't be able to answer your question but you'll get a chance to fart and spit as much as you want."

The girls were still confusing but we had a great time.