A relationship question about knowing where your SO/spouse is in the evenings...
 

This is way off topic.

What do you consider to be reasonable with regard to keeping your SO/spouse informed aboutyour whereabouts or plans for an evening?

No suspicions exist re: infidelity...quite the contrary. That is not an issue.

But a few examples:

Suppose you both go to a party but have to arrive at different times. You arrive at 5:30;she at 6:00. At 9:00 she decides to go home and you say "I'll be right behind you." You have a few more drinks and before you know its after midnite and you don't want to drive in your condition. You call and get her voicemail and don't leave a message since she's probably asleep. You decide to stay and sllep in the guest bedroom. She calls at 3:00 a.m. madder than hell. You get home around 4:30 a.m. There is no question as to where you were. She's awake and waiting on you...you say g'nite and go to bed. She raises ten tons of hell because of how inconsiderate you were.


Is she within her right to be so angrY? Lets say there has been another 4 or 5 episodes in the past year where you have let time slip away and came in much later than originally planned. But nothing is really amiss except you lost track of time by 2-6 hrs after promising to be right home.

Shows to her that drinking and partying with your friends is more important to you than she is, especially if you said you were "right behind her..."

My $0.42,
-Z-man.

Yeah, you should have left a voice mail after the first call.

One possible scenario that is possible and likely to go through the head of a spouse, especially a woman is that you tried to come home, something happened, and it was emergency personnel using your phone to call home, but they didn't leave a message since there was no answer. How hard would it have been to leave a message?

dude, you're a dick... :p

But seriously, it shows a lack of concern for your partner. It isn't about trust, it is about respect. If she gives a crap about you, your absence will be a source of worry...as in "is he dead?"

If you want that kind of freedom, get a divorce and be single. Then you don't have to report to anyone. Or maybe you'll get lucky and she'll start banging someone else then she really won't care when you get home.

Lets reverse it, what if you went home and she was "right behind you"

Re: A relationship question about knowing where your SO/spouse is in the evenings...
 

Your girlfriend must be hot or you need a watch!!

Dueller, you are going to need a lot of flowers (roses) for a LONG period of time .... don't do it again (at least any time soon) ...

I'm on a really long rope w/my wife - the longest one I know of. But even she would have been livid if I had pulled that. Time to hit your favorite florist/chocolatier.

I lose track of 2-6 minutes and feel bad :D How do you lose 2-6 HOURS?

Nostatic, so what do you really think? Don't hold back on us. :D

You're right, of course.

Let me guess, you're 19 and this was a frat party?

I would have called after starting "a few more drinks." She would thank me for calling, tell me to have a good time, and don't drive home drunk. I would have done both. ;)

OK...but what about the fact she knew where you were, there was no issue or allegation of infidelity, you're both adults, you did try to call but there was no answer, yadadadadada. I think she has control issues....not to mention anger issues given the maelstrom I encountered

Had you not said, "I'm right behind you..." I could see your point.

Again, it's not a question of infidelity, but one of respect and keeping your word. Did she want you to come home at the same time she left? Or, was she ok with you staying a little longer? If so, your mis-communication and late departure certainly didn't help either way.

It's ok to do things without your SOP -- as long as both parties have a clear understanding of the guidelines and what is expected from all. <-- perhaps THIS idea would be a good way to make amends (with flowers, of course). As in, "Honey, I was wrong to tell you I'll be right behind you. But I really wanted to stay longer. How should we deal with this situation in the future?" <-- that would open up a dialogue with your SOP -- showing her that you value her opinion, and want to clear the air and set more solid guidelines...

-Z-man.

So 10 people (guys at that) say your wrong and she has issues? Forget about trust - its a respect thing. You dont respect her enough to do what you say your going to do.

maybe, but you're passive aggressive and have your own control issues.

Sorry man. If you don't see that you're 99% in the wrong here, I'd suggest you find a good mediator and figure out how to split up the assets.

Re: A relationship question about knowing where your SO/spouse is in the evenings...
 

Best line of the entire post! LOL.

You said you were going to be "right behind her". You weren't.
You called--but didn't leave a message?
This has happened 4-5 times before you say. You asked for our opinions so..that's 4-5 times too many.
As Todd said, it's about respek. Check it, booyah.

OK guys...thanks for the input. In fact I intentionally worded it in reverse; i.e, I'm the one who left early. SHE's the one who has the problem with "losing" track of time.

Does that change your opinion?

Despite the fact that I have expressed my concern for her lack of respect or my feelings, this is a troubling pattern. Of course I'm the one with control issues and anger issues by her account....

Is there a double standard?

I think I had every right to be royally pissed. Had it been an hour or so I wouldn't have thought as thing of it....but 7 HOURS?????

kick her to the curb. Seriously. Unless she's willing to do individual and couples therapy. Or unless you like being in an abusive relationship.

No double standard. Call the shrink or call the divorce lawyer.

Hell no. My wife pulled that on me once and I let her have it. Especially after she spent the whole night hurling up what she'd drunk until about 9AM and I wound up taking care of her.

Never been a problem since.

If things went down as you described, I think her reaction is disproportionate to anything you've done "wrong." Not that you shouldn't have expected some adverse reaction. It appears to me (and, given my preternatural inability to empathize, it MUST appear to her) that you're avoiding her... or at least prefer others' company to hers, when given the opportunity. Especially so if it's been 5 or 6 times in the trailing 12 months.

I'm not judging, I've been there myself (see preternatural inability to empathize, supra).

I would suggest that you not say any more that you'll be right behind her, or provide any commitment as to time or promptness.

"I'm going to hang for a while. I'll call or text you later." Might have saved you the trauma.

FWIW, if it's late, I text. That way, the time of the message is immediately apparent, you're not waking them up (usually) and as a result, you're at less risk of "getting into" something on the phone. Whenever she wakes up and checks her phone -- there's your message immediately. "Hi. Drunk. Staying at Fred and Ethel's. Take you to breakfast in the morning."

The period after "Hi" is crucial. :D Check your grammar twice before sending.

JP

EDIT -- wrote this before you fessed up to having been the wronged party.

No. Totally unacceptable.

Is she a drunk?

That is nowhere near normal behavior for an adult, and I'd suspect this is just the tip of the iceberg. It's hard to imagine otherwise. You've got some serious work to do in that relationship, IMO.

Well its absolutely amazing to me as to how a woman can change the subject of an argument from their behavior to yours.

What completely bumfudles me is that she knows had she said "I'm gonna hang with my friends until late and I may crash here""I would have had no problem whatsoever. Maybe THAT is my problem.....I have control issues. As in I have failed to exercise enough control over her in the past.

No, not a drunk. She is absolutely wonderful in just about every other aspect of our life. We've been together 4 years, married 9 months ago. Were in our 40's.

I just don't understand this. Happened once in three + years of dating....now this pattern since we married.

I dunno...one bud says if this our only problem then learn to live with it and appreciate everything else. I dunno....it perplexes the hell out of me. The question is whether this is a deal braeker for me if it continues.

Truthishly --

1) Someone who deliberately avoids/changes a topic, especially when they're squarely in the wrong in a relationship issue, is not worth the skin they have. run. don't walk. And, yes, I know that this means that 75% of women are useless.

2) Maybe it's time for a "break". You need some time to rest/recharge from the disrespect and figure if you want to continue being treated like this... if she's worth this disrespect. And, as a bonus for her, she'll be able to take some time off from having to elude responsibility and make lame excuses as to how it's not -- and couldn't possibly be -- her fault, or the direct, foreseeable, result of her actions.

Good luck.

JP

Yep. My wife and I have enormous trust and respect for each other and generally leave each other alone about most stuff. This would (rightfully) result in an angry tongue lashing regardless of who did it.

so this behavior since you've been married? Had she been married before? Has she ever been in therapy?

Sounds like she resents the relationship and is acting out like a teenager. It would be a deal breaker for me, but ymmv. imho it is a symptom of a much bigger issue that will show itself in other ways.

You have an issue. There is no double standard in play here.

She has shown a total lack of respect.

Time for counseling or attorneys. Try option one and if it does not work you still have option 2.

Dueller,
As with all problems, they can be traced back to a few simple sources. Let’s consider the female of our species.
Let us examine the female: Ideally, they should be strong, trusting, self confident and compassionate. However, in reality they show all the typical characteristics of hysterical neurosis followed by periodic bouts of psychosis and a bi-polar disorder to the likes that are only witnessed when experimental hallucinogens are fed en mass to inferior primates. Often they can be depressive and their reason tree is poisoned and often barren. Why is this? Easy. Women, for the most part are tormented with a very active neural network that connects many more parts of their brain than do males. The think in more complicated ways (non-linear) and are victims of their physiology. Their hormones do influence their behavior and thought patterns far more than happen in men. In addition, they are ‘externally temporal sensitive’ meaning that time – down to the minute – is something that plays and important role in their being. They are very much aware of time unless it involves their own primping and preparation (but that is a very different phenomenon to be discussed later).

Their ‘external temporal sensitivity’ finds its roots in a deep drive for what I call ‘specie completion’. ‘Specie completion’ is a female’s drive to establish her world to that which will accommodate for a successful secession of her kin to continue. With that means to acquire a mate that is going to demonstrate all the necessary characteristic to do that i.e. strength, intelligence, patience, drive for success, confidence, a balanced physic, general overall good health, and an absolute display of trustworthiness. That’s the nexus of the problem son, even though you have demonstrated certain characteristics, you are not trustworthy in her eyes because you breached a promise regardless of how you interpreted what you thought was agreed upon.

So, what to do. Nothing. You can’t do anything to make up. She has a memory like a AMD microchip. Short of an electrical shock, she will always have this (and other) incidents to draw from that will ultimately add up to her being disappointed with you and it will manifest it in various ways that cannot be rationally understood by men. In other words lad, your ******* and the best you or any men that has been with a women for more than a few years can do is break even.

You want that steady women in your life? You will have to sacrifice all sense of independence and extemporized behavior. You live for her now and in return, you may get lucky now and then. Nevertheless, don’t worry, the older you get, the less important getting laid is.

Why do you think older guys get Porsches? It is not to pick up chicks, it’s to replace them!!!

dude, you're high...

you just have to find one that is sympatico

My opinion still stands -- the person who was "right behind you..." and didn't come home has lack of respect for the other in the relationship.

-Z-man.

Married 9 months, eh?

Just make sure you are using at least 2 independent forms of birth control.

Everything else is no big deal.

a separate offshore bank account might be good as well.

you sure she isn't pissed that you bought a porsche? :p

Exactly. This is a toxic relationship.

I have TONS of freedom. Last year I took three weeks worth of "guys" vacations. Fly fishing, scuba trips, etc. I would NEVER come home from a party hours after my wife was expecting me and she wouldn't treat me that way either. The relationship you describe is poison.

Lube...mike...

You didn't read my subsequent post. It was actually HER that pulled this stunt. I set it up as me being the one who didn't come home timely to avoid male sympathy.

Lubemaster...how does it figure into your theory since it was her that stayed out til 4:30 a.m.?

Sounds to me like an ill-conceived "social experiment". ;)

LOL...yeah, but I didn't want the macho "I'd kick the biotch to da curb" response.

even if that's what you should do?

it only gets worse

Moses - you sir are fortunate that your mate is strong, trusting, self confident and compassionate. Many men never let their mates achieve this status or worse, some women are not capable with the mates they have selected.

You are both two-winged angels, gliding through the universe in an elegant dance. Playing off each other’s strengths, supporting a weakness. Most only have one wing and have to violently grasp other one-winged angels to barely stay in balance and only soar when the winds are right. Still sadly, others are wingless, grasping desperately to those with two wings or worse one. They are those that bring down the angels one by one, wounding them, or worse, breaking a spirit...

(hmmm, I like my pills!)