A relationship question about knowing where your SO/spouse is in the evenings...

[Dueller]

This is way off topic.

What do you consider to be reasonable with regard to keeping your SO/spouse informed aboutyour whereabouts or plans for an evening?

No suspicions exist re: infidelity...quite the contrary. That is not an issue.

But a few examples:

Suppose you both go to a party but have to arrive at different times. You arrive at 5:30;she at 6:00. At 9:00 she decides to go home and you say "I'll be right behind you." You have a few more drinks and before you know its after midnite and you don't want to drive in your condition. You call and get her voicemail and don't leave a message since she's probably asleep. You decide to stay and sllep in the guest bedroom. She calls at 3:00 a.m. madder than hell. You get home around 4:30 a.m. There is no question as to where you were. She's awake and waiting on you...you say g'nite and go to bed. She raises ten tons of hell because of how inconsiderate you were.


Is she within her right to be so angrY? Lets say there has been another 4 or 5 episodes in the past year where you have let time slip away and came in much later than originally planned. But nothing is really amiss except you lost track of time by 2-6 hrs after promising to be right home.

[Z-man]

Shows to her that drinking and partying with your friends is more important to you than she is, especially if you said you were "right behind her..."

My $0.42,
-Z-man.

[masraum]

Yeah, you should have left a voice mail after the first call.

One possible scenario that is possible and likely to go through the head of a spouse, especially a woman is that you tried to come home, something happened, and it was emergency personnel using your phone to call home, but they didn't leave a message since there was no answer. How hard would it have been to leave a message?

[nostatic]

dude, you're a dick...

But seriously, it shows a lack of concern for your partner. It isn't about trust, it is about respect. If she gives a crap about you, your absence will be a source of worry...as in "is he dead?"

If you want that kind of freedom, get a divorce and be single. Then you don't have to report to anyone. Or maybe you'll get lucky and she'll start banging someone else then she really won't care when you get home.

[Hugh R]

Lets reverse it, what if you went home and she was "right behind you"

[Super_Dave_D]

Originally posted by Dueller
Lets say there has been another 4 or 5 episodes in the past year where you have let time slip away and came in much later than originally planned. But nothing is really amiss except you lost track of time by 2-6 hrs after promising to be right home.

Your girlfriend must be hot or you need a watch!!

[jriera]

Dueller, you are going to need a lot of flowers (roses) for a LONG period of time .... don't do it again (at least any time soon) ...

[dtw]

I'm on a really long rope w/my wife - the longest one I know of. But even she would have been livid if I had pulled that. Time to hit your favorite florist/chocolatier.

[Cornpanzer]

I lose track of 2-6 minutes and feel bad How do you lose 2-6 HOURS?

[masraum]

Originally posted by nostatic
dude, you're a dick...

But seriously, it shows a lack of concern for your partner. It isn't about trust, it is about respect. If she gives a crap about you, your absence will be a source of worry...as in "is he dead?"

If you want that kind of freedom, get a divorce and be single. Then you don't have to report to anyone. Or maybe you'll get lucky and she'll start banging someone else then she really won't care when you get home.

Nostatic, so what do you really think? Don't hold back on us.

You're right, of course.

[BlueSkyJaunte]

Let me guess, you're 19 and this was a frat party?

[ikarcuaso]

I would have called after starting "a few more drinks." She would thank me for calling, tell me to have a good time, and don't drive home drunk. I would have done both.

[Dueller]

OK...but what about the fact she knew where you were, there was no issue or allegation of infidelity, you're both adults, you did try to call but there was no answer, yadadadadada. I think she has control issues....not to mention anger issues given the maelstrom I encountered

[Z-man]

Originally posted by Dueller
OK...but what about the fact she knew where you were, there was no issue or allegation of infidelity, you're both adults, you did try to call but there was no answer, yadadadadada. I think she has control issues....not to mention anger issues given the maelstrom I encountered

Had you not said, "I'm right behind you..." I could see your point.

Again, it's not a question of infidelity, but one of respect and keeping your word. Did she want you to come home at the same time she left? Or, was she ok with you staying a little longer? If so, your mis-communication and late departure certainly didn't help either way.

It's ok to do things without your SOP -- as long as both parties have a clear understanding of the guidelines and what is expected from all. <-- perhaps THIS idea would be a good way to make amends (with flowers, of course). As in, "Honey, I was wrong to tell you I'll be right behind you. But I really wanted to stay longer. How should we deal with this situation in the future?" <-- that would open up a dialogue with your SOP -- showing her that you value her opinion, and want to clear the air and set more solid guidelines...

-Z-man.

[Super_Dave_D]

So 10 people (guys at that) say your wrong and she has issues? Forget about trust - its a respect thing. You dont respect her enough to do what you say your going to do.

[nostatic]

Originally posted by Dueller
OK...but what about the fact she knew where you were, there was no issue or allegation of infidelity, you're both adults, you did try to call but there was no answer, yadadadadada. I think she has control issues....not to mention anger issues given the maelstrom I encountered

maybe, but you're passive aggressive and have your own control issues.

Sorry man. If you don't see that you're 99% in the wrong here, I'd suggest you find a good mediator and figure out how to split up the assets.

[the]

Originally posted by Dueller
except you lost track of time by 2-6 hrs after promising to be right home.

Best line of the entire post! LOL.

[gassy]

You said you were going to be "right behind her". You weren't.
You called--but didn't leave a message?
This has happened 4-5 times before you say. You asked for our opinions so..that's 4-5 times too many.
As Todd said, it's about respek. Check it, booyah.

[Dueller]

Originally posted by Hugh R
Lets reverse it, what if you went home and she was "right behind you"

OK guys...thanks for the input. In fact I intentionally worded it in reverse; i.e, I'm the one who left early. SHE's the one who has the problem with "losing" track of time.

Does that change your opinion?

Despite the fact that I have expressed my concern for her lack of respect or my feelings, this is a troubling pattern. Of course I'm the one with control issues and anger issues by her account....

Is there a double standard?

I think I had every right to be royally pissed. Had it been an hour or so I wouldn't have thought as thing of it....but 7 HOURS?????

[nostatic]

kick her to the curb. Seriously. Unless she's willing to do individual and couples therapy. Or unless you like being in an abusive relationship.

No double standard. Call the shrink or call the divorce lawyer.