Anyone ever given a eulogy at a funeral?

[the]

I've been asked to give one in a couple of days. I've never even been to a funeral (our family tends to be very long lived), much less given a eulogy. For an uncle who died in his 80s.

Any tips from anyone who has done one?

How long is it usually expected to be? I'll probably be the only one speaking on behalf of the family. I've never even heard one, other than I guess fictional on TV or in the movies. If anyone has one that they've given that they'd be willing to share, the would be great, just to give me an idea of what is generally expected.

[Tobra]

I have been fortunate in the fact that I have not lost many I was close to...

My Dad just gave the eulogy for his buddy of 40 years, Al. I read it, it was good but I don't have a copy and would not do it justice if I tried to recount it. It was brief, at the end of it, I think I would have been laughing and crying if I had to listen to it looking at the departed, or a nice photo of the departed even. Dad is 70 year old attorney, sort of reminiscent of Fred Gwynne, the judge in "My Cousin Vinny", commanding presence and voice.

[targa911S]

Yes......speak from your heart. Don't try to be funny.

[Seahawk]

Originally posted by targa911S
Yes......speak from your heart. Don't try to be funny.

And prepare...write from the heart. You can try and be funny just once

I've done it. Prepare and be brief. No more than five minutes.

Edit: Be very careful with naming anyone in the eulogy beyond the immediate family. Feelings will get hurt.

[Moneyguy1]

At the end, ask if there are others who would like to contribute something. After all, everyone who knew the deceased has different memories and recollections. It should be a celebration of life, not a gloomy occasion.

[Nostril Cheese]

Originally posted by Moneyguy1
At the end, ask if there are others who would like to contribute something. After all, everyone who knew the deceased has different memories and recollections. It should be a celebration of life, not a gloomy occasion.

+1

This is how it was at my grandma's funeral. Lots of people spoke, quite a few laughs were had. The wake afterwards was actually a very good time.

[Joeaksa]

Originally posted by Seahawk
And prepare...write from the heart. You can try and be funny just once

I've done it. Prepare and be brief. No more than five minutes.

Edit: Be very careful with naming anyone in the eulogy beyond the immediate family. Feelings will get hurt.

+1 Did it one time. Hope its a long time before my next one comes up.

[pwd72s]

A suggestion from a recent funeral I attended...A nephew of the deceased began with: "How many here can say that they have (fill in the blank) "My Uncle Joe did"...then he went on to list the many accomplishments of the departed. I thought it was great...

See "the"? I'm not a total badass, just because I don't respect some people you seem to admire....


(edit) Just keep in mind that it all is about the departed...not you!

[fingpilot]

I have as well. I suspect I did well, because there wasn't a dry eye, and everyone had a laugh or two as well. I keep being asked to do them. I draw the line at that it has to be someone I knew pretty well.

Be prepared, be steady, take your time. 10 to 15 minutes max.

[nostatic]

I buried my best friend when we were both 20, played acoustic guitar at the funeral and gave the eulogy. Also did one for my mom when she passed a few years back.

Depending on the crowd and situation funny is ok. Laughter and tears can follow each other pretty closely.

[Por_sha911]

Ask yourself "what would Uncle Fred want me to say for him?" If he was a cut-up, talk about one of his famous antics. If he was well revered in the community, talk about that. Give a snapshot on who he was (only the good points ). Tell a story about something he did that impacted your life or something you loved or respected about him.

[bigchillcar]

twice..both for friends. i was asked to add some humor towards the end of them both as a celebration of their lives. in each case, i said things about the excellent character of each man, the teary part..then finished with a few funny memories to close. either write a prepared eulogy or have an outline. i prefer an outline and being extemporaneous.

[MRM]

I gave one for both my father and father in law. I speak in public for a living, but the best advice I had was from the minister at my father's funeral who said that no matter how many times a professional (he meant minister) presided over funerals without breaking down, it was not his family's funeral he was presiding over, and he should count on breaking down. And that a lay person should count on breaking down even more so.

This is the most important advice I can give you. Write out what you plan to say word for word. Don't bind yourself to giving the eulogy exactly the way you wrote it. Most of the time better words will come to you extemporaniously, but the fact that you have a word for word script ready for you in case you lose your place or your train of thought will give you great confidence and will make what you do say much more spontanious and more genuine because you won't be worying about what you're going to say next. Once you have the script written, boil it down to an outline so you can feel free to extemporize as the words come to you. As you give your eulogy, run your thumb down the script past the words you have spoken so that if you lose your train of thought you can look right down to where your thumb is and start reading without thinking. If you make a mistake or stumble, do not panic, take a breath, start over or move on to the next point as appropriate. If worse comes to worse admit that you are choked up and that words are coming hard to you at that point. Pause, consult your notes, compose yourself, and move on when you can breath again.

Second, if they will let you, stand right out in front of the congregation and address them from the foot of the stairs that lead to the pulpit rather than the pulpit itself, so you can be part of the audience. See if you can get them to let you use a microphone down there so everyone can hear. Also, they are probably recording the ceremony. If you speak into a microphone you will be recorded; if not, it will be dicey getting your eulogy on tape. If you can't use a microphone, yell louder than you think could ever be appropriate, and you will almost be loud enough for the deaf old couple in the back. The people in the front will not care that you were loud. Seriously, shout. If they can't hear you it will be as bad as if you said nothing.

Keep it short but meaningful. Be light in keeping with celebrating your uncle's life, but be somber and serious that he is gone. Give a brief intro about how you came to know your uncle and what he was known for. Tell two stories about how incorrible he was for whatever foibles he was known for. And end with a serious story about how you would always tell uncle about (fill in the blank) and now you can't believe he isn't around for you to share that with him anymore with the final thought that even though you are sad that he is gone, you have been blessed by the time you did have with him and are comforted that he is in a better place and that we will all be together when the time comes.

[the]

Thanks all, very helpful. I definitely need to go in with a full written text. The though of not having that to fall back on is like the feeling you get in the dream where you show up for school wearing just your underwear.

I have quite a bit of work to do, because while it will of course be from the heart, it will also be written and delivered with a lot of thought.

Again, thanks to each of you.

[bigchillcar]

not at all, the. a fully-written text is an excellent idea. you can always opt to improvise a little as the situation merits. best of luck to you..it's a privilege to be asked to eulogize a person's life in my opinion.

[widgeon13]

Done it twice for two gentlemen that I worked with for many years, used some humor but all in very good taste and certainly spoke from the heart. Wrote my comments down and then refined them.

I have done a fare amount of public speaking but this was the most challenging, have good amplitude and speak slowly and clearly, don't rush it.

[the]

As I've thought about it, I certainly can go through a bunch of things that I remember about him over the past 40 years.

But I'm thinking about a slightly different approach. There is a lot of love in our family, but like most from the generations before us (Depression generation from my grandmother, WWII from parents), they never openly expressed it. Not like our more touchy feely generation.

In my mind, there are a lot of things that he would want to say to everyone in the hour before they put him in the ground. Mostly stuff about how, while he may not have openly showed it much, he loved and appreciated his family, particularly his wife, who deserves sainthood for how good she was to him. To not feel sorry for him, he had a very good life, tried to be a good man, appreciated everyone during his life and appreciates their coming to give their final goodbyes.

In that, I would weave some specific stories, like examples of how his wife was good to him, the things he enjoyed, etc.

Then ending with a short poem that I enjoy and find fitting.

My concerns thus far:

1. A little concerned that it might seem presumptuous to speak for someone like that. But I think I can make it come out right.

2. I am thinking one small spot of humor. Something like "I want to talk about what he would want to leave us with if he were here today. The first thing he would say, I'm certain, is 'Get up and talk in front of all these people, are you nuts?!?" (Because that's what he certainly would have said!). I'm just not sure if this is the time for any humor, though, and also if I'm met with dead (pun intended) silence, I'd be pretty rattled. I'm thinking I will leave that out, there are a lot of old people there, this is going to be a very somber event.

[lisa_spyder]

The,

Twice for me - for Dad 4 years ago and very recently for Mum. Different situation as my parents were both younger (early 70s).

I asked my cousin to speak of behalf of the greater family at Mum's celebration. Situation similiar to yours...

Rich covered the family history; where Mum was born, when her family first emigrated here; what life was like for them in the 20s...about her siblings, our huge and regular family get-togethers, the fact that he is her Godson; my arrival etc. If you are speaking on behalf of the family you should cover this - do your research with some older members and you'll be surprised what they remember.

I don't agree that you need to keep your eulogy to 5 minutes if you are the one to speak for the family; but certainly no more than 10 minutes depending what you are covering. No doubt you have your own personal memories and these you should include.

Don't worry about using a script - it's much easier to work from something structured than to try and adlib.

Remember that you are paying homage to your uncle and his heritage and achievements...and yes even his quirks and maybe some failings. Humour is fine; after all we all "leave" sometime and your uncle had a pretty good innings.

Don't play with your written words too much - usually what you write first is what works best; don't polish your eulogy to perfection; it's not a sales pitch.

Lastly - make it a celebration and speak from the heart. And if you break a little no-one will care...we're all human.

PS - you mentioned you feel this will be a sombre occasion as there shall be a lot of old people attending. You may be surprised as the "oldies" are the ones who have been through this more times than us. You seem to have a very good handle of your uncle's personality so use it...humour and all. If your uncle would have said something specific as you've identified then don't be scared to say it - shows how much you knew him. "Oldies" are going to cope fine - take them for a walk down family memory lane; they shall remember and the younger ones shall learn new things about your uncle and the family.