Largely it is not up to the parents. If he flunks out, he has to get a job or join the military. Cut the umbilical cord of the money, that will sober him up once he realizes that the soft touch is gone for good.

I had a classmate that I knew from Kindegarten on. Bright guy never had to study anything up through HS and into college. However once he moved away from home he found Marjunia and would spend hours staring at a coat hanger. Well he flunked out and joined the military. While stationed in Germany he got into rebuilding Porsche motors, to this day he has a 70 911S in his garage.

There's the rub...if we cut him off, its likely that grandmother or newly rich daddy/stepmom will continue to fund him to his detriment. For example he called his mother and asked for her credit card # to register foir rush. She said "Not only 'no' but HELL NO...we told you that was your responsibility. We've paid what we're going to pay for this semester." Keep in mind he has his own debit card so he could have used that.

So he said "Well I guess I calle Mamaw since dad said he wasn't going to pay frat expenses either." We talked to the grandmother later and she says "Yeah I gave him my credit card for the fees." This was a bald face lie as we saw that dad's credit card was used by an email confirmation.

Soooo, that's what we're dealing with. I suppose all we can do is make our decisions, stick by our rules, control what we can and let him deal with his father's side of the family.

I guess on an immediate note we let him know our displeasure with dropping his schedule, and reserve a final decision on continued financial support depending on his future performance.

Dueller, come to think of it, you ought to give him the green light to drop it down to 3 hours and a 2.0. You'll get some of the money back if you do this quickly!!:)

I think that is the smart decision.

And legion, that is amazing that you lived on $400 freshman year. I spent about $1500. Pretty much all of that was on going out and having a good time. The bars in Oxford, OH are 18 and over to get in (still 21 and over to drink) and that comes with hefty cover charges and $4 beers and $5 and up drinks. It was fun though, and thats why I work hard in the summer

Dueller, what's the point of setting rules or guidelines if you don't stick to them? Also, you act as if you have no power in this situation, thanks to his father and grandmother. You write checks, you have power, pure and simple. He broke his end of the deal, you can't just let it slide. I'm not suggesting that you cut off the tuition (yet), but cut off his "allowance". If he's in 12 hours, especially freshman business classes, he can find a job to support his BS. The sooner he finds out what life is really like, the more motivation he will have to finish school.

For perspective, I am 27 and a senior majoring in Aerospace Engineering, minor in Business Management and Math. I am in 15 credit hours, work 40 hours/wk between two jobs, and am married with two kids. I went straght to college from high school, thinking it would be an absolute breeze. Three semesters and a sub-2.0 GPA later, they politely asked me to leave. A year later I returned, did well for two semesters, then decided that school wasn't my thing. I returned after four years of dead-end jobs because I finally realized the value of school.

This is a lesson your son may have to learn before he becomes motivated, and a bit of suffering is the only way to do so. Knowing how badly the non-degreed work world sucks is great motivation to kick ass in college. Also, advise him to get the hell out of general Business Management. Unless he WANTS to be an assistant manager at Target, making $25k per year. Several friends of mine coasted their way through school majoring in business, now they're all considering some additional education so they can actually make a living.

$400, whoa! New definition of dry cleaning? As in fabric softener only, dirty clothes straight into the dryer? $1500? You guys are/were thrifty.

OWP...so you really ARE a rocket scientist. Ican't remember where I saw it...maybe a amateur m'cycle race tean and their crew of aeropspace engineers read "yes, in facr we are rocket scientists.'

We're not backsliding on the rules we imposed...just trying to figure out the punishment/response to a situation we didn't anticipate. We've already paid for this semester so to yank him out now accomplishes nothing. He's made his own spending money and he was pressing the issue asking mom for frat registration fees..she's a tough broad. She made it clear that she would make any sacrifice to give him a shot, she wanted him to enjoy college but she wasn't going fund a party. Seems like he missed part of that message.

So let's say we raise ten tons of hell and reserve punishment and he comes out with a 4.0 albeit with only 12 hours. What do you do? Make him take 18 hrs next semester? Make him refund our tuition for the 3 hours he dropped? There's the dilemma.

Sorry dude didn't want to step on your toes. If anything the bright side is that business majors with master's and phd's in the right fields are the ones running the companys i'll hope to work for when i'm done. I think there is more potential for making money in business majors, where engineering is more for the ones who enjoy torture :D. Plus i hear that engineering is the next profession to possibly get thrown under the "outsourcing" bus from some of my professors. Apparently there are high degreed engineers and physicists in india willing to do our jobs for 10-15 dollars an hour.

Anyhow back on topic, I think your in a tough situation with this kid. Until maybe he starts to understand the concept of what is good for him isn't necessarily what his impulse wants to do, then he'll keep undermining you by going to his father/grandmother. I think you should trust your instinct, it sounds like you know what should be done, it's the how to get it done around these obstacles your encountering that may be a problem. I just hope that grandmaw and papaw doesn't end up supporting any mistakes he might be making.

Remember it's your stepson. Resist the testosterone urge to "fix" it. Just say this, "Gee dear, I don't know. What do you suggest?"

It's the best advice you've gotten from this thread.

So true Capt...although I'm not personally funding this venture, my wife is. Plus, the kid really seeks me out for advice and guidance probably because I rarelyu give it undolicited and try to let him make his own decisons and mistakes. Finally his mom and even paternal grandmother look to me for guidance on college issues.

Anyways I tried the what fo you think, boney and she really wabts me to weigh in on yhis particulat issue.

...how 'bout this tact.

As to the parking tickets, just acknowlege them, recognize that college police can be a PITA, and say "hate it for ya...guess you have to cancel a weekend road trip to pay for them."

As to the two speeding tickets, give him directions to the courthouse and tell him they don't accept checks or credit cards...make sure you take cash. Since you don't want my counsel on your class schedule, guess you don't want it in legal matters.

As to the overly easy schedule, tell my wife do what you think is right but in my opinion he should make a 3.2 or better, I wouldn't give him money since he wouldn't take the w/s lifegiard position, so he must be flush, and insisit on 15 hours next semester. But do what you want... I got your back.

Ditto on the greek thing.

Let dad and mamaw deal with as they wish.

I'm sure a refund was doled out for the hours dropped, no? Where is it?

I'm failing to see something with the car issue and campus. IIRC freshmen have to live on campus unless a relative lives in town, right? Did they move part of the school across HWY 6? What dorm does he live in? Martin/Stockard?

The parking deal he needs to figure out, it's not that complicated. He pays for those mistakes. The speeding tickets same deal. Time to grow up. Tis life.

No refund..same price whether you take 12 or 20 hrs. There are small refunds if you dropped below 12 hours by 9/4. Under 12 hrs is billed at $203/hr.

Lives in stockard...which for all practical puposes is coed now as the girls from Matin tower come and go freely to the men's tower....I think its only restricted access between 230 a.m and 730 a.m.

How far away is he from home?

A car isn't really "necessary" to have on campus, but it is nice especially if you are far from home. I am 5+ hours myself and it makes getting back and forth much easier. That being said, I didn't really have a car last year.

No offense taken. I would also argue that engineers who start successful companies are the ones who end up filthy rich...

As someone who often spends a significant amount of time rewriting stuff that has been sent offshore, I can tell you that it ain't all it's cracked up to be. Incidentally, I have the same problem with stuff that is written by onshore vendors. The simple truth is that someone who doesn't work for you doesn't have a vested interest in your success. They don't know your business like you do, and their goal is to finish quickly--not necessarily to get it right.

There's only so much that can be outsourced, pure and simple. Especially in the aerospace industry. Plus, I plan on getting an MBA, so it will be the best of both worlds.:D For the record, a bachelors in business management is nothing like an MBA. Anyone with a business management degree should plan on an MBA if they want a decent salary.

Dueller, for what it's worth, I was thinking more of an inconvenience punishment. Leave the school alone, the last thing you want is for him to drop out. Cut the allowance, so maybe he'll feel the pinch a bit. While you have to stand by your word, if he gets through 12 hours with good grades in his first semester of college, he's doing pretty well. While the social activities aren't immediately useful, if he moves into leadership positions in said clubs it looks great on a resume.

I'd agree with Shaun when he says college isn't for everyone. As a former educator, I considered the system's attempts to shove everyone into college (or university ?) just another liberal idea (not meaning to attempt to turn this thing political) that just left the kids not suited for that type of environment, discipline, and interest out in the cold. There are other great things to do in the world besides "go to college." Also a stint in the service does wonders for some kids, plus it will help them save for "college."

Well maybe this is just a phase hes going through, the freedom thing. Maybe he will settle down once he sees that his grades are for *****.

U really have no control or say, he can go to granny or daddy or mommy and get money...play one against the other. The only thing U control is your own money. If he doesn't perform to the standards agreed upon terminate your support and hope for the best.

Until all parties that are providing support are on the same page there isn't much that can do done...

Looks like another sponge has been hatched.

[QUOTE=tabs;3476422]Looks like another sponge has been hatched.[/Quote ]

LOL...Tabs for all your pontificating, sometimes you hit the nail on the head. Mind if I use that analogy?

Since I have no spawn of my own, I really do take my influence on these kids seriously...perhaps too much so. Independent of my wife, I really do get so much more than I give from these urchins.

All 3 of them are wonderful people. They have so much potential given what they have been through in their short lives. Sorry if I come here all handwringing and what. Perhaps I should care less, but that is not my nature.

Wife has a game plan I'm on board with...she's the most stable influence they have had and they truly respect her. This, too, shall pass.

Oh, I forgot to add, make him clean up the mess with his tickets on his own. He's an adult now, this is HIS problem. Just so long as he is paying his soon to be inflated insurance. Kids do stupid stuff, God knows I did. Just make sure he learns from it.

I can't even imagine my parents paying any kind of fine or ticket for me. If I was old enough to drive, I was old enough to pay for whatever I got into with my car. I wouldn't have even thought to ask my parents to pay this. They would have laughed.

Yup.

Ok ...here's the response I got:

Actually I already dropped the class. I figured the class I took this summer was a cushion.

On the tickets just what are my options?

Steaks sound great...I don't know if I'll be there Friday night or Sarurday. I'll call you as soon as I know.

Tell him to read the back of the ticket to see his options. I think I can recite them from memory by now.

I'm no expert but that sounds like you best coarse of action.

Funny, when I was a kid I wouldn't even tell my parents if I got a ticket out of embarrassment.

Your (step)kid is smart enough to get into college. Point him to this thread and let him use his computer skills to read what a child most of us think he is.

Dropping classes behind parents' back: embarrassing.
Getting 3 parking tickets in rapid succession: embarrassing.
2 impressive speeding tickets within 13 minutes: ridiculously embarrassing--I wouldn't confess to my parents, either.
Going to other family members for cash (for pledging a fraternity/social life) when he's already got a little nest egg and generous allowance: embarrassing.

He needs to know that college is not a right; it's a privilege he shouldn't F-up. And it's in his best interests not to. Not your best interests, or his mom's/dad's/gramma's/etc. Same with the car. That's even more of a luxury item that no freshman (excepting unusual extenuating circumstances) needs.

Let me reiterate, I never took more than 12 hours per Quarter or Semester and GRADUATED in 3 1/2 years....guess how I did it? Bribery...noo....Extortion..yep I threatened to stick around for a long while...they wanted me OUT! Now maybe I coulda learned how to spell and use grammer properly if I had just done that 1/2 year more? NAW..you have to show up to get that learnin.

Dueller KEEP FKIN WITH THE SPONGES HEAD. I LUV IT!

Tell him that if he flunks outa college that a career in the miltary might be a good idea to consider. Service to ones country is honorable and if the worst happens to him you promise to go put flowers on his grave on Memorial day. Or maybe visit him in the Veterans Hospital at least on Veterans day, but youu will call to let him know for sure. That might make it clear to him that you are a bit upset with the way things are going for him.

Other than that you could tell him Walmart and Burger King always need help.
A Greeters job at Walmart isn't so bad, think of it a career at Walmart. SmileWavy

Have you considered fitting him with one of those electro shock dog collars?

Respect for religion must be reestablished. Public debt should be reduced. The arrogance of public officials must be curtailed. Assistance to foreign lands must be stopped or we shall bankrupt ourselves. The people should be forced to work and not depend on government for subsistence." - Cicero, 60 B.C.

WOW, you know what happened to Rome 15 years later..Julius Caesar took over and it was the Roman Empire from then on end.

As the father of a college sophomore, I have been following this with interest. Some people are jumping to the conclusion that this young man is bombing out. You said that he was a good student in H.S., So why wouldn't he be a good student here? Maybe he wants to continue to do well in school, and is being cautious by not overloading himself until he learns the ropes. His grades will tell that tale.
As far as the tickets go, he made some bad decisions, such as where to park, and how fast to drive. Eighteen year olds are not always known for making the best decisions, but if he learns from his mistakes, these can be life lessons. Like my Dad told me, "You got yourself into this, you can get yourself out of this." If he asks for your advice, by all means give it. This is all part of growing up.
As mentioned earlier, you would much rather have him in school, than hanging around home while all his friends are in school. The school knows which people will succeed, and which ones won't. That is part of the admissions process.
I say give him a chance to hang himself first before you come down on him too hard.
Concerning Dad, and Grandma's generosity, more power to the boy. They probably aren't doing him any favors, but they are lightening the load on your wife, and yourself.
Support his decisions, advise him when asked, but the next four years are about molding his future. Stand behind him, and let him know that you love him. He knows right from wrong.
Let the "sponge" spread his wings a little bit.

Some people treat college as an "extended adolescence" and that sounds like what's happening here. Make the kid pay 100% of his college costs and he'll get serious or drop out...

Wylie...I said on the first page he was lackluster his senior year. He took the lightest of loads and dropped off the varsity tennis team. He was sttraightforward with us; we discussed both sides of his decision, let him know we disagreed but being convinced he had considered both sides we would support his decsion whichever way he went with one condition: that if he decided to quit tennis and take a light load he would need to get a parttime job (one of his reasons to quit tennis). One day after making his decision he had a job starting the next day.

When we came home the day he was supposed to start his job, he was at home. We asked weren't you supposed to start your new job his response was "Oh I talked to dad and he said he didn't want me to work and to concentrate on school...he said he'd send me money wwhen I needed it."

Ahhhh....OK.

Result? He barely passed his senior courses and had lots of fun.

We had committed to his first year of college letting him decide where he wanted to go. We discussed him going to juco but wanted him to move into his own apartment so he wou;ld get a taste of independence. That was his plan til the middle of summer when he changed his mind and decided to go to university. We made it very clear: Full load (15 hrs; 2 semesters to prove he was serious about school; minimum GPA, etc).

We're going to give him the chance to succeed. No he hasn't bombed out yet but we are seeing a continuation of the attitude that he should be able to coast, have fun and pay little attention to the academics.

Anyways time will tell. We are going to have a little "come to Jesus" meeting about his unilateral decisions that are in conflict with our original deal this weekend.

SO...fill me in on your experiences with your sophomore.

UMMM. to be a bit serious..Going from home to being on your own is a big shock to the system. Now U have total freedom to do what you want when you want without parental controls. So the "sponge" doesn't know his own limits and hes running free. Hopefully he will settle down.

He is a cunning little fk who knows how to play everyone against each other. He knows yur weaknesses like the back of his hand. There in lies the problem in your family Mom, Dad and Granny are not on the same page and the conflicts between the different factions are being used to the sponges advantage. Until that stops he is going to be manipulative. He has the makings of a great con man, thats what he is going to turn out to be glib, suave and full of *****.

Dueller your really hung up on the 15 hours and minimum GPA thing. Remember the old axiom that he who tries to defend everything defends nothing. If he does 12 hrs and gets a 2.5 GPA in his first coupla semesters so what, FOR NOW. It is a shock to go from HS to the big U., a whole different game is being played at the U and it takes some time to learn it. Lets just see him survive to begin with. So Dueller don't be so anal...now if he goes to 6 hours and or flunks out then you can start to yell, what the fk are you doing, what the fk are we paying for..you littlle fk... All U really want from him is that piece of paper that says BA or BS..in 4 years, and maybe enough of GPA so he can go get a piled higher and deeper piece of paper.

Now as far as the speeding tickets..hehehe...now thats something to be unhinged about...I would yank that car so fast from him it would make his head spin (Cause not only was he stupid but irresponsible)..and tell Dad and Granny that unless they get on the same page they are going to be paying the whole tilt for juniors ed. That oughta wake them up. And tell them that if he does flunk out he ain't come back home to live, maybe he could go live with Grams and Dad instead. Maybe they would like him better....

Somewhere in here I think Mother took over my keyboard...

Yes, but his actions (secretly dropping classes, telling half-truths re: finances, 5 (!) tickets, etc.) suggest that he might not be mature enough for the responsibility level (or lack thereof, if you're cynical) that college presents. And I'm not even including how he skated through senior year of HS.

He's having the time of his life partying his a$$ off...college = "summer camp". BTDT but I still made great grades...they are not mutually exclusive if you have your priorities in order. He doesn't...

Noah...you hit the nail on the head. Keep in mind this is my stepson. Any of you who have stepchildren know how mom's get real protective of their brood when you volunteer input they consider to be unfair criticism. But in this case mom has asked for my advice.

As to the tickets, he made his bed and he'll have to suffer the consequences and pay them himself.

My most troubling observation is the fact that he dropped a class ostensibly because he was behind and using the "I don't wanna mess up my GPA" excuse. In reality, he just didn't want to do what it would take to catch up. C'mon...he missed the first 3 or 4 classes. It wasn't like he had struggled with it for half a semester and couldn't salvage a decent grade. He just flat out gave up without any effort whatsoever. He had until mid October to drop it with no impact on his GPA. He acknowleged that when he first asked me about dropping it.

And for those of you that think 12 hours is enough of a load, consider this: He's not working, all his basic living and school related expenses have been paid by mom and dad, He's in class 1 hr 40 minutes on MWF and 2 hrs 40 minutes on TTH. A grand total of 10 hrs and 20 minutes per week.

Despite his personal commitment to put forth effort in college, its apparent he's repeating his senior year of High School.

12 hours of freshman courses is a "PARTY" waiting to happen :)

edited: ps: He isn't waiting...

No chit. You know, I don't know why I even get involved other than to try to help my wife deal with it. None of the players (mamaw, dad, mom, stepmom) have ever completed college. I have 2 undergrad degrees completed in a little over 3 years, an MPA (1 year) and a JD (2 years). I know his little game and his wings need to be clipped ASAP.

All I can do at this point is let him know I know he's playing everybody, wait for his grades and deal with it then.

On this alone he may go very far in the business world!