How should I handle my college aged stepson in this situation?

Dueller · 09-12-2007, 12:48 AM

OK OK ...Its not really my job, but his mom is livid and wants me to weigh in on the following.

18 y.o. stepson went off to college.

Within the first week he gets 3 parking tickets at $30 apiece.

Then he rearranges his schedule....we said "Fine you've got to take the classes." He's still taking a 15 hour load.

Then he calls me and says he's thinkiung about dropping one class because he missed the first 3-4 sessions due to drop/add and he wasn't able to get a text book that was back ordered. I reminded him we expected him to take 15 hrs minimum, there was still over a month for him to catch up before the final drop date, we knew he could catch up if he put his mind to it., etc. He says he'll give a shot.

Today I discover he went ahead and dropped the class so he's only taking 12 hours. He doesn't know we know.

This past weekend he got a ticket for 90 mph in a 65. Thirteen (13) minutes later he got another ticket for 85 in a 70. From the same police department.

He's a good kid, but I want to choke the little bastage

ZOO · 09-12-2007, 02:08 AM

Maybe it's time you revoked his car privileges. Unless he's paying his own way for everything, I think that financial leverage is likely your best bet.

mattdavis11 · 09-12-2007, 02:56 AM

Time to get the car. Freshmen don't need a vehicle around campus, it's trouble, as you have found out already. As for the hours, 15 can be overwhelming while trying to get acclimated to a new lifestyle. I'd say for every hour he's under 30 at the end of the first year, he takes that many in summer school. It'll likely render him better grades too.

Dueller · 09-12-2007, 03:03 AM

The financial attangement is we pay 1/2 and his dad pays 1/2 of tuituion, books, dorm, meal plan + another $500 or so for incidentals. He worked all summer and is using his savings/graduation money for his extracurricular spending. His grandmother bought him a new car, but he's supposed to pay his own insurance.

He was a lackluster student in his senior year, so his mom agreed to give him 2 semesters to prove himself or she would cut off funds next year. We specifically told him we expected 15 or more hours per semester and show he's serious by making a 3.0 or better. Otherwise its juco..

So, in a sense we have nothing to do with the car directly.

One thing I can do is earwig the judge and have him take his license for 90 days or so and possibly reduced the fines/speeds so it won't triple his insurance for the next 3 years.

Problem is he will cajole his grandmother and dad despite what we say.

mattdavis11 · 09-12-2007, 03:15 AM

I guess he could apply for a grant/fin. aide to cover what you and your wife would pay and write you off completely. I'd never suggest that a Freshman take 30 hours in the first two semesters. I think you are asking too much. I'm not doubting that the boy can do the work, it's just a big culture shock. College is enough pressure (esp. 1st year) on it's own, he doesn't need additional pressures coming from home.

svandamme · svandamme's Garage

less then 20 hours in college?
i think most first year students over here dream of a gig like that
no "i'll pick that and that class" ,

it's i want that degree, and then they tell you what classes you'll need to attend and pass

college over here usually has more classes then even uni, closer to 30+ hours,although uni still has more then 20 hours first year, which both is still a drop from the 36 hours a week in high school(also no electives there, bowling is not on the menu)

students here get just as much culture shock , it's called "growing up" and "get going"
and most don't have a car, they walk from their dorm or student flat to the lessons, or use a bicycle... that's not even taking into account those who even have to work to pay for their student years, like those who have no parents to pay for things...

12 hours, that's way low if you ask me, that's 3 half workdays ?!?

cool_chick · 09-12-2007, 03:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by svandamme

12 hours, that's way low if you ask me, that's 3 half workdays ?!?

You're supposed to add 2 hours homework for every hour of class. So 15 hours is 45 hours "work."

And note, to me, it's not asking too much to do 15 hours.....

berettafan · 09-12-2007, 03:58 AM

stijn in college a 15hr course load is pretty heavy. it doesn't mean 15hrs/week of class and playtime for the rest of the week.

for a 'good kid' who isn't properly motivated the first year in college is an incredible opportunity to screw up.

IMO it takes a pretty remarkable kid to handle being given a new car and going off to college without screwing it up. things would definitely be easier if he didn't have wheels.

stomachmonkey · 09-12-2007, 04:10 AM

The car has got to go.

I would not even discuss it, just go get it.

cool_chick · 09-12-2007, 04:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dueller

.

Problem is he will cajole his grandmother and dad despite what we say.

Get dad and grandma's support first. If they care about the boy, they'll agree, and I'm sure they love the boy so.....

Joeaksa · 09-12-2007, 04:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mattdavis11

Time to get the car. Freshmen don't need a vehicle around campus, it's trouble, as you have found out already. As for the hours, 15 can be overwhelming while trying to get acclimated to a new lifestyle. I'd say for every hour he's under 30 at the end of the first year, he takes that many in summer school. It'll likely render him better grades too.

Agree. He is majoring in "drinking, driving and pussy" right now and needs to realize that when he starts studying and coming home with good grades that he can blast around the campus a bit.

legion · 09-12-2007, 04:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cool_chick

Get dad and grandma's support first. If they care about the boy, they'll agree, and I'm sure they love the boy so.....

Yep. Any plan is doomed to failure without at least the father's support. If the three of you are on-board, you can at least deal with the grandmother.

slakjaw · 09-12-2007, 04:40 AM

Those POLE SMOKE campus security punks with their little ticket books.

I am surprised they did not boot his car. punks.

cool_chick · 09-12-2007, 04:49 AM

Another thing...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dueller

One thing I can do is earwig the judge and have him take his license for 90 days or so and possibly reduced the fines/speeds so it won't triple his insurance for the next 3 years.

I wouldn't do this. He's responsible for his insurance, this is a valuable lesson here.

cool_chick · 04:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by legion

Yep. Any plan is doomed to failure without at least the father's support. If the three of you are on-board, you can at least deal with the grandmother.

Good point. Additionally, these things should be handled from a united front anyway....

Not knowing this particular situation, just talking in general here......an ex may "hate" their ex, but personal feelings need to be put aside for the child(ren).

tabs · 09-12-2007, 05:00 AM

I believe in evolution and survival of the fitest...I am a Darwinist...Let the little fker kill himself and the world will be a better place...or better yet tell him you signed him up for the USMC....Iraq would be a good place for him.

stomachmonkey · 09-12-2007, 05:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dueller

One thing I can do is earwig the judge and have him take his license for 90 days or so and possibly reduced the fines/speeds so it won't triple his insurance for the next 3 years.

WRONG. I'd ask the judge to take his license for 120 days Then offer 90 days if he does some community service.

Porsche_monkey · 09-12-2007, 05:26 AM

1. He pays the fines and insurance, he's an adult so they are his problem. He can fight them in court, pay them or ignore them, it is up to him.

2. Tell him the 12 hours is an awesome way to rest up and be ready for the 18 hours he will be taking next semester.

Shaun @ Tru6 · 09-12-2007, 05:38 AM

If you say he's a good kid, there's only one answer: college is not for everyone.

Seriously. My brother (who was not a good kid BTW) was "forced" into the college mold and it was the worst thing for him. One year later he was in culinary school (had been cooking since mid-teens and was naturally good at it) and he is quite successful today, and happy too. You should see his ice carvings for weddings.

Point is you can waste a year of his life and five figures learning this lesson or you can pull him aside for a weekend and see what he really wants to do. Because clearly he doesn't want to be in college.

legion · 09-12-2007, 05:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dueller

One thing I can do is earwig the judge and have him take his license for 90 days or so and possibly reduced the fines/speeds so it won't triple his insurance for the next 3 years.

I wouldn't do that. I've seen lawyer-parents pull strings like this in the past. I've also seen kids "rise to the challenge" and see how much they can get away with. In one case, the parent's "help" came back to bite them when the kid comitted a felony and the prosecutor used the "help" to paint an unsympathetic picture of the kid during sentencing.