Car Quotes from Top Gear

[Porsche_monkey]

"I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch. If you've got even half a scrotum it's not going to happen."

"We start tonight with the highlight of my childhood. It's the Ladybird Book of Motorcars from 1963, and as you would imagine it's full of rubbish really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you get to page 40, where you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me, when I was little, was like kind of Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a bath together. With a Lightning jet fighter. And lots of jelly."

"[about Porsche Cayman S] There are many things I'd rather be doing than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean"

....."the last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air saying there will be no war with Germany"

"America: 250 million w*nkers living in a country with no word for w*nker"

On the Alfa Romeo Brera...
"I only have to imagine this in black, with tan leather and I'm nursing a semi!"

Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster - 'It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig's
bottom'

On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR:
"there is a word to describe this car: it begins with "s" and ends with "t" and its not "soot".
Hammond:"So its fairly terrible then?"
Clarkson:"Oh no...losing your leg is fairly terrible: this is another league of badness!"

"some say, that he used to throw microwave ovens at homeless people - and that he long before anyone else realised that jade goody is a racist pig faced waste of blood and organs............all we know, is that he's called the Stig!"

"the Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite"

"Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary... That's what gets you."

'The air conditioning in Lambos used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw'

"Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?"

"The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater convertible was Adolf Hitler"

(Fed up during the caravaning trip)
"You aren't allowed to have a party, you aren't allowed to have music, you aren't allowed to play ball games, you aren't allowed to have a camp fire, you have to park within two feet of a post, you have to keep quiet, you have to be in bed by eleven. This is not a holiday, it's a concentration camp!"

"This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying "Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.""

(mercedes CLs55) "Braking in this car is so brutal, it would be less painful to actually hit the tree you were trying to miss."

"I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?"

Clarksons highway code on cyclists: 'trespassers in the motorcars domain, they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right to be on the road, some of them even believe they are going fast enough to not be an obstruction. Run them down to prove them wrong'

"I was reading The Mirror the other day and came across a letter from a reader who wrote, 'I was riding my bike to work when this red Ferrari pulled up next to me. Out of the window, Jeremy Clarkson shouted 'Get a car', and drove off.' What I actually said was, 'Get a car you hatchet faced, leaf-eating Nazi"

"Britian's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe...probably because they don't have wheel-chair access"

1) "If we are being honest HIV is a pathetic virus, it can only live in the air for 6seconds and it does what ebola does to you in 10days in 10years"
2) "Mandela just doesn't deserve his pedestal, I'm mean the blokes a bit dodgy"
3) On Mandela's claim that Cuba is a good advert for democracy!!! "Well Mr Mandela why don't you go and ask one of the 12 year old cuban prostitutes which way her parents voted"

"Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the show......so we'll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all!"

On the Lotus Elise:
"This car is more fun than the entire french air force crashing into a firework factory"

"Now as you can see I lost the battle to have two engines on the back because of three very important reasons. One: weight. This is 600 Lbs and that's the same as having a whole American sitting on the tailgate..."

"I would still buy the DB9 over this, and save myself the £60,000. The problem with this car is its gearbox, its just........"
Hammond:"THAT bad is it?"
Clarkson:"Oh no. Robert Mugabe is bad, this is in a whole different league!"

In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it on sale, and then found out how it handled. Usually when one of their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he was.

"the DB9 has rear seats but no mammal yet created, not even when God was on the LSD trip that gave us the pink flamingo, could fit into them."

Assessing Hammond's crash:
Clarkson:"you can see from the tape that the tyre is starting to come apart. now why didnt you spot that?!"
Hammond:"I had a lot on: i was doing 288 mph."
Clarkson: "What do you mean you had a lot on? I can be in the office on the phone, doining the paperwork, kids are shouting at me, wife etc, if a lion walks in, I'm going to notice it!"

"Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved... for a murderer."

"I dont often agree with the RSPCA as i believe it is an animals duty to be on my plate at supper time"

"there are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of stitching... on their face"

"Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It's like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You'd just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke's sweaty face. "

"Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it, if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under the tweed. I do, and it helps."

"you cant have this car with a diesel, its like saying, i wont go to stringfellows tonight, ill get my mum to give me a lapdance, shes a woman!"

"During the break we got complaints that we don't show enough green cars so here's one..."
Pointing to a Lamborghini Murcielago... in bright green

Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sports car... in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a President.

On the Porsche Cayenne "Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis."

[onewhippedpuppy]

Best show ever! Brilliant!

[Aerkuld]

I don't think I'd be exagerating if I said this was the best program on TV, or the internet as the case may be. It's certainly my favorite.

[svandamme]

Hamster:
understeer works like this: you drive down the road,turn the wheel but the car goes straight on , you crash into a tree, and ... you die

oversteer works like this : you drive down the same bit of road, you turn the wheel but the back of the car comes around like this, you crash into the tree and die

oversteer is best because you don't see the tree that kills you

[Moses]

Originally Posted by onewhippedpuppy

Best show ever! Brilliant!

Even my wife who can't even pronounce "Koenigsegg" loves the show.

[JeremyD]

and I find my wife chuckling - great show -

[Paul K]

Thanks for compiling these quotes. Top Gear is my all-time favorite show- Clarkson is a genius!

Cheers,

Paul.

[PorschePilot]

I've got the DVR set to tape all the Top Gears on BBC America.

I love this show.

You have to appreciate Clarkson's humor.

[livi]

Nothing like British sense of humor. World class.

I don´t understand the English language so well, but do I perhaps detect them making a slightly bit of fun of Americans ?

[onewhippedpuppy]

Originally Posted by livi

Nothing like British sense of humor. World class.

I don´t understand the English language so well, but do I perhaps detect them making a slightly bit of fun of Americans ?

Yes, minus the slightly. It's always good to have a laugh at your own expense.

[73notch]

have you seen the latest episode?

[livi]

If Clarkson had a funnier face he could possibly take up after Tommy Cooper - one of the funniest men of all times IMO. I wonder what ancient breeding grounds have produced all this British quality comedy/comedians.

[Porsche_monkey]

Originally Posted by livi

Nothing like British sense of humor. World class.

I don´t understand the English language so well, but do I perhaps detect them making a slightly bit of fun of Americans ?

Yea, a bit.

[Aerkuld]

Originally Posted by livi

Nothing like British sense of humor. World class.

I like to tell you guys that I moved over here from Britain, but to be honest I was thrown out and sent here because I wasn't funny.

Originally Posted by livi

I don´t understand the English language so well...

I think you do a very good job, better than some people here in America.

Originally Posted by livi

....but do I perhaps detect them making a slightly bit of fun of Americans ?

It's a subtle point but what they're really doing is making fun of the American stereotype. Let's face it, they make fun of everyone including each other.

[Aerkuld]

I have to agree that Tommy Cooper was a comic genius. He died on stage, collapsing in front of the audience who laughed thinking it was part of the act. I reckon he'd have got a real kick out of that!

[911teo]

I just LUV it!!!!!

[911teo]

Originally Posted by Aerkuld

It's a subtle point but what they're really doing is making fun of the American stereotype. Let's face it, they make fun of everyone including each other.

You nailed it... nothing is sacred. Nothing is safe...

Remember all the $hit they gave Clarkson for the Ford GT....
And Hammond's accident...

this show is the dog's bollocks!

[onewhippedpuppy]

Now it's Clarkson dogging the Ford GT, after his experience with it. France gets a good amount of crap, as does Germany. They make fun of everyone though, that's why it's fun.

[livi]

Good points. Thanks Aerkuld!

Yes, no person or country, region or persuation is safe. The Swedish Koenigsegg (3 miles from my house) is supposedly more comfortable than being stabbed. Funny all around - a FAIR sense of humor.

So, Aerkuld, originally from Britain - how come the Kingdom Comedy is perceived as so darn funny ? Sometimes I think they are mean as evil, sometimes I feel real sympathy as it is pretty obvious they are making fun of them selves. It is like a perfect mix of stiff upper lip and football hooligan.

Sorry for straying from the subject BTW.

[Aerkuld]

Originally Posted by livi

So, Aerkuld, originally from Britain - how come the Kingdom Comedy is perceived as so darn funny ? Sometimes I think they are mean as evil, sometimes I feel real sympathy as it is pretty obvious they are making fun of them selves. It is like a perfect mix of stiff upper lip and football hooligan.

Sorry for straying from the subject BTW.

The making fun of themselves and hooligan mix is pretty easy to explain. As a nation the English are crap at sports. This either makes the fans shrug their shoulders and laugh or makes then angry and violent.

As for the whole funny thing I've been wondering about this for some time. I'd been visiting the USA for sometime before I moved here. I noticed pretty quickly that, in general, American humor was very different from British humour but I've never really been able to put my finger on why. For example, my Uncle has lived over here since the early '70's (which is why I was visiting) and he has an Amreican girlfriend. Most times if we started joking around, making stupid remarks, sarcastic comments, and puns she would just get this blank look on her face until we explained the joke. Once we'd explained it it would normally take a good couple of minutes before it really sunk in and she'd tell us that she understood it. Now, after twenty or more years, she has 'tuned in' a little better and it only takes an explaination and thirty seconds.

I do wonder if the majority of Americans take things too seriously. I mean, she is intelligent, but it's as if there is a time delay for her to swith into 'joke' mode, whereas the average Brit is probably wired the other way around. I think this might turn into a lengthy discussion and we need a seperate thread to discuss it...

http://forums.pelicanparts.com/off-topic-discussions/372981-american-humor-british-humour-whats-difference.html#post3540988