Guys, I need some serious parenting help!!!!!

[tabs]

Originally Posted by Moneyguy1

tabby, my friend, the question of how many kids you have raised is relevant. Giving advice on parenting with no "hands on" experience is like a celebate cleric giving advice on marital matters.

In deference to your maturity I have to respectfully say in my case you are dead wrong.

[Moneyguy1]

I usually am. See my response to another thread.

[HarryD]

Kurt,

I have a 12 and 14 yr old. Over time I realized that they need to be taught to make the "correct" choices. What this means is minimal punishment but ensuring that their outcomes for undesired behaviors are not to their liking. The list Tabs posted above is actually a good guide of roles/behaviors. The parent is in charge and children need to do the right thing.

My children have regular chores they are expected to do. No chores, no fun.

THey are permiited to tell us what they would like, but we tell them what they get. The alternative is getting nothing. As a parent, especially for a 7 year old, you control 100% of their world. This means that you can grant or withold what they want and give them only what they need. They really do not have much of a choice.

For a while, we had some seesions with a Child Phycologist. What it came down to was that you reward desired behavoirs by letting them continue. Not reward unwanted behavoirs by having the child do desired behavoirs, and have consequences that have outcomes not in line with what the child wants.

He suggested that when our boy did not want to comply with something we wanted him to do, we should 1-Tell him it was ok to not do the desired action; 2) proceed as if we never heard him, 3) be sure the outcome for him was undesirable. Now, when my boy hears: "That's ok, you do not need to do ...." he will almost immediately get with the "program" because he knows the outcome is not something he wants. No yelling, no telling him to do something else, no negotiating, just let the undesired outcome (for the child) happen.

Acting out in the store? No problem, just leave and come back later.

Does not want to clean up his room. I tell that he does not need to clean up his room, I will do it for him. (Originally he thought this was a great plan until he saw me go to his room with a trash can and start filling it up. He was noticablly upset when I told him to take the tash to the dumpster. Guess who cleans his room now?).

Does not want to do a family activity, that's ok, you can sit in the corner (car, floor etc) while we have fun and ice cream.

Don't want to do your chores, that's ok. Don't ask for me to bring you to the (insert activity here) you wanted until they are done.

Remember, you are the parent, not his best pal. Over time, you will become his best pal by being his parent first.

[Oh Haha]

Harry,
That was the method my Mom used with me. She called it reverse psychology back in the 70's. In most cases, it worked until I was old enough to know what she was doing.

Great advice, though. I'm going to show my wife this thread.

[HarryD]

Originally Posted by Oh Haha

Harry,
That was the method my Mom used with me. She called it reverse psychology back in the 70's. In most cases, it worked until I was old enough to know what she was doing.

Great advice, though. I'm going to show my wife this thread.

.. by then it did not matter since you had already been "trained". My parents did the same thing to me... Now we are pals.

[jluetjen]

An interesting point that Kurt reminded me of in regards to tone of voice...

Yelling at a kid ultimately conditions them to the yelling, and then they ignore it. When I really want to make a point with my girls, I'll pull them aside and speak in a very calm, measured and quiet voice, and look them straight in the eye while I'm doing it. The subject of the conversation will be a clear and concise description of the affects of their actions. It generally has a dramatic effect on them since emotionally they're expecting me to yell. It's an affect that composers have used for a long time -- to draw attention to a theme by suddenly eliminating all of the noise and distraction, and forcing the listener to focus on what's left.

Eventually the come to learn that the quieter you talk to them, the more important that it is to listen.

Try it out some time as an experiment, I bet you that you'll be surprised at the results.

BTW Kurt, I think that you're going down the right path -- for whatever that's worth!

[Craig 930 RS]

A HUGE amen to that.

[LeeH]

Louis C.K. on kids and parenting. WARNING: Not kid safe, work safe, or for those offended by colorful language.