Guys, I need some serious parenting help!!!!!

Rot 911 · 11-30-2007, 06:13 AM

My 7 year old is out of control with everyone but me. She has no respect for her mother, teachers, kids in class, almost everyone. She can be the most loving little girl when she wants to be, but seems to really enjoy getting a rise out of everyone else. I know she knows how to behave properly because she always does what I want her to do. She knows I mean business and will back it up with punishment if I need to. Unfortunately she also knows if I am not around there will be no immediate punishment. I am at my wit's end here. I have yet to find a punishment or reward that means enough to her to make her stop this behavior. I have tried no televison for a week, not toys, manual labor, spanking, damn near everything. None of this has had much effect. She has real control issues and wants to always be in charge. Someone suggested the "love and logic" approach. Anyone have it work.

Again, when she is with me she is great. Apparently she respects/is afraid of me enough to keep herself under control. We have lots of fun together with no problems. Help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Burnin' oil · 11-30-2007, 06:17 AM

It just takes time. I have been through the same scenario twice. Just stay consistent and be patient.

Moneyguy1 · 11-30-2007, 06:18 AM

Does mom say "Wait till your father ges home!" and you are the primary punisher? A child will push limits wherever possible, particularly with people they know will not respond negatively. Without a lot more info, sounds like a situation for group therapy. Limits set, consequences spelled out clearly. Without some kind of intervention now, the situation could become even worse in the future.

Sorry, I am not a child psychologist but I did raise mine and they turned out pretty OK. One daughter has a very gifted child who was that way. It took a LOT of work to "convince" this child that they wre not God's gift to the world nor a potential future World Dictator.

dhoward · dhoward's Garage

Taser and duct tape.

motion · 11-30-2007, 06:21 AM

Kurt,

I can't help... I've been through this myself and never figured it out. But, you should think about removing one of the words in your description. Its a crazy world out there these days. I wouldn't want it to come back to you. Please understand, I am in no way disagreeing with your parenting techniques.

Rot 911 · 11-30-2007, 06:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by motion

Kurt,

I can't help... I've been through this myself and never figured it out. But, you should think about removing one of the words in your description. Its a crazy world out there these days. I wouldn't want it to come back to you. Please understand, I am in no way disagreeing with your parenting techniques.

I understand what you are saying Motion. Fortunately corporal punishment is still allowed in Missouri. Not to mention I do legal work for the Juvi system here, so no worries about that! Unfortunately spanking does not have a lasting effect with her.

Aerkuld · Aerkuld's Garage

I suggest she runs for congress.

Porsche-O-Phile · Porsche-O-Phile's Garage

Waterboarding?

charleskieffner · 11-30-2007, 06:31 AM

military school!

stomachmonkey · 11-30-2007, 06:32 AM

Have a 7 yr old daughter. She is generally very well behaved but will sneak around and do things that she knows she should not.

She absolutely torments her little brother and even when told to stop has trouble doing so.

I think it's a matter of learning self control and I believe it is a normal phase of development.

Frustrating as he11 but normal.

varmint · 11-30-2007, 06:33 AM

watch the dog whisperer.

most of it works on kids, and adults often enough.

legion · 11-30-2007, 06:33 AM

How does she sleep?

I had a coworker who had a similar problem with a daughter that is the same age. Through months of doctor visits and psychologist visits, they determined that his daughter might not be sleeping well. They did a sleep test and discovered that the little girl was waking up about 7 times an hour and never getting to REM sleep. This was causing her to be tired and constantly act out. Further investigation showed that she had enlarged tonsils that were partially blocking her throat, causing her to wake up. She had her tonsils removed and the behavior stopped immediately.

Not saying this the cause, but something to at least look into.

the · 06:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kurt V

My 7 year old is out of control with everyone but me. . . . I know she knows how to behave properly because she always does what I want her to do.

Actually, she doesn't always do what you want her to do, otherwise you wouldn't be posting this!

It sounds like when you are physically near her, she complies. But when you are not, she doesn't do what she knows she is supposed to. That's the problem with trying to control kids primarily with fear and punishment.

IMO that's an indication that she fears you, but doesn't fully respect you.

My suggestion: What I found worked best for me as a child, and now as a parent, was being raised in a way that I would never want to disappoint my parents. My kids are the same way. They don't "do the right thing" out of fear of any punishment, but they would not want to disappoint us (just like we would not want to disappoint them).

They have also been raised, from Day 1, to appreciate the joys of achievement. And many candid discussions about what type of person they want to become, and how they are going to get there. They do not have any desire to be seen as an "acting out" type of kid.

I think you need to try to figure out the root cause of why she is acting out, and try to address that. Also, you seem to have been controlling her by fear and punishment. I'd rethink that. It may seem to work, on the surface, but as you have found, it doesn't really work on a deeper level. And IMO is likely causing, at least partially, the behavior you are trying to stop. But there are also, certainly, other underlying causes causing her behavior, you need to figure that out before you can effectively fix it.

Rot 911 · 11-30-2007, 06:40 AM

Thanks legion. We did the sleep test and she has had her tonsils removed. She had no problems on the sleep test. I really think this is more of a respect issue.

Rot 911 · 11-30-2007, 06:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by the

Actually, she doesn't always do what you want her to do, otherwise you wouldn't be posting this!

It sounds like when you are physically near her, she complies. But when you are not, she doesn't do what she knows she is supposed to. That's the problem with trying to control kids primarily with fear and punishment.

Damn, I think you are exactly right. But how do I teach her in the ways you described? You seem to be very insightful on this. Any tips, suggestions or hell just write something down that I can use?

LeeH · 06:54 AM

Have you tried rewarding the desired behavior? This tactic along with predetermined punishments for negative behavior has worked for us with our strong willed 7 year old.

Write it all down and make sure she understands ahead of time that if she CHOOSES (emphasis here) disrespectful behavior then she is choosing a loss of a privilege. The privilege needs to be something of very high importance to her. When she gets in trouble make sure she understands that at the moment she chose the negative behavior she also CHOSE to lose the privilege.

Likewise, make sure she understands that if she CHOOSES to be kind and respectful, then she's going to get some predetermined reward - movie? zoo? Whatever is meaningful to her.

We have used a calendar as a sticker chart for some time with our daughter. At the end of the day she gets a "super sticker" (extra large or sparkley) for super behavior, a "regular sticker" if we've had to reprimand her a few times, or no sticker if she was really getting on our nerves. At the end of the month she gets to choose a book, toy, etc. from a box if she has more super stickers than regular. Too many "no sticker" days and she gets nothing. Yeah, it's complicated, but so are 7 year old females!

Rikao4 · 11-30-2007, 06:55 AM

the, is on to something here..this worked on me..
beatings I could handle then & now..
but the look of

so disappointed in you, ashamed to see & hear from friends & teachers how you behave..
remember him saying..while you have no class or standards..I do..
god I wanted a beating so bad..
Rika

TerryBPP · 11-30-2007, 06:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by charleskieffner

military school!

Ditto, even the threat of this may work. Go online and print out a few pamphlets and give them to her. Worked on me when I was a punk kid.

Moneyguy1 · 11-30-2007, 06:59 AM

When I was a kid, I did some things I should not have done. My Dad made a fist and stuck it under my nose. (It looked to me like a 20 pound ham!!). He very quietly said: You will do what you are told for one of two reasons. Because you love me or because you fear me. Your choice."

As I matured, my dad and I became the best of friends. I made my choice.

MFAFF · 11-30-2007, 07:08 AM

Drugs....

One question.. is she very physically active.. such as playing outside...games etc etc..?

One thing we have noticed is that our 6 year old boy can get really ratty and 'willful' if he isn't 'run' every day for a while.. a bit like a dog...
Once he has been out for a 'walk'... and he has had a good run and play outside he really is in a better mood and far 'happier'...much more agreeable and a joy to have around.

SO we get him out and about every day.. works wonders... we even have him repsonding to the whistle..