Stupidest warning label?

[ckissick]

The grand prize for the "Wackiest Warning Label" went to a label on a tractor that said "Warning: Avoid Death". It highlighted the ways you could get killed.

Why was this chosen as the stupidest warning label? To me, that is the most useful warning label I've ever seen. It gets the operator's attention and makes him proceed with great caution. The people who gave this award must be morons. They don't get it. This sort of thing drives me crazy.

2nd prize went to a label on an iron that said not to iron your shirt while wearing it. Now that one is stupid.

[lendaddy]

"Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball"

[Porsche-O-Phile]

"Warning: This warning label may be harmful or fatal if swallowed".

"Warning: This bag is not a toy"

"Caution: The beverage you're about to enjoy is extremely hot"




A semi-related favorite I've personally seen was in Steamboat Springs, Colorado where a bridge crossed one of several deep gorges. On the side of the road, just before a precipitous drop-off was a sign reading "no throwing of objects from bridge". Looking way down into the gorge were about 20 of those signs at the bottom.

[ckissick]

I saw an ad on TV for a sleeping pill. They warned that one of the side effects may be drowsiness.

[HardDrive]

"Warning: This condom will not prevent your friends from finding out you did a fat chick."

[ckissick]

I just realized. Steven Wright could have said that.

[ckissick]

If you have time, read this. It's worth it.

SIDE EFFECTS by Steve Martin
(This article originally appeared in The New Yorker, April 13, 1998).

DOSAGE: take two tablets every six hours for joint pain.

SIDE EFFECTS: This drug may cause joint pain, nausea, head-ache, or shortness
of breath. You may also experience muscle aches, rapid heartbeat, and ringing in
the ears. If you feel faint, call your doctor. Do not consume alcohol while taking
this pill; likewise, avoid red meat, shellfish, and vegetables. O.K. foods: flounder.
Under no circumstances eat yak. Men can expect painful urination while sitting,
especially if the penis is caught between the toilet seat and the bowl. Projectile
vomiting is common in thirty percent of users-sorry, fifty per cent. If you undergo
disorienting nausea accompanied by migraine and raspy breathing, double the
dosage. Leg cramps are to be expected; one knee-buckler per day is normal.
Bowel movements may become frequent-in fact, every ten minutes. If bowel
movements become greater than twelve per hour, consult your doctor, or any
doctor, or just anyone who will speak to you.
You may find yourself becoming lost or vague; this would be a good time to
write a screenplay. Do not pilot a plane, unless you are among the ten per cent
of users who experience "spontaneous test-pilot knowledge." If your hair begins
to smell like burning tires, move away from any buildings or populated areas, and
apply tincture of iodine to the head until you no longer hear what could be taken for
a "countdown." May cause stigmata in Mexicans. If a fungus starts to grow between
your eyebrows, call the Guinness Book of World Records. May induce a tendency
to compulsively repeat the phrase "no can do." This drug may cause visions of the
Virgin Mary to appear in treetops. If this happens, open a souvenir shop.
There may be an overwhelming impulse to shout out during a Catholic Mass, "I'm
gonna wop you wid da ugly stick!" You may feel a powerful sense of impending
doom; this is because you are about to die. Men may experience impotence, but
only during intercourse. Otherwise, a powerful erection will accompany your daily
"walking-around time."
Do not take this product if you are uneasy with lockjaw. Do not be near a ringing
telephone that works at 900 MHz or you will be very dead, very fast. We are assuming
you have had chicken pox. You also may experience a growing dissatisfaction with life
along with a deep sense of melancholy - join the club! Do not be concerned if you
arouse a few ticks from a Geiger counter. You might want to get a one-month trial
subscription to Extreme Fighting. The hook shape of the pill will often cause it to
become caught in the larynx. To remove, jam a finger down your throat while a friend
holds your nose to prevent the pill from lodging in a nasal passage. Then throw yourself
stomach first on the back portion of a chair. The expulsion of air should eject the pill out
of the mouth, unless it goes into a sinus cavity, or the brain. WARNING: This drug may
shorten your intestines by twenty-one feet. Has been known to cause birth defects in the
user retroactively. Passing in front of TV may cause the screen to moiré.
Women often feel a loss of libido, including a woo-octave lowering of the voice, an
increase in ankle hair, and perhaps the lowering of a testicle. If this happens, women
should write a detailed description of their last three sexual encounters and mail it to me,
Bob, Trailer Six, Fancyland Trailer Park, Encino, CA. Or E-mail me at hot-guy.com.
Discontinue use immediately if you feel that your teeth are receiving radio broadcasts.
You may experience "lumpy back" syndrome, but we are actively seeking a cure.
Bloated fingertips on the heart-side hand are common. When finished with the dosage,
be sure to allow plenty of "quiet time" in order to retrain the eye to move off stationary
objects. Flotation devices at sea will become pointless, as the user of this drug will
develop a stone-like body density; therefore, if thrown overboard, contact your doctor.
(This product may contain one or more of the following: bungee cord, plankton, rubber,
crack cocaine, pork bladders, aromatic oils, gunpowder, corn husk, glue, bee pollen,
dung, English muffin, poached eggs, ham, Hollandaise sauce, crushed saxophone reeds.)
Sensations of levitation are illusory, as is the sensation of having a "phantom" third arm.
Users may experience certain inversions of language. Acceptable: "Hi, are how you?"
Unacceptable: "The rain in Sprain slays blainly on the phsssst."
Twenty minutes after taking the pills, you will feel an insatiable craving to take another
dose. AVOID THIS WITH ALL YOUR POWER. It is advisable to have a friend
handcuff you to a large kitchen appliance, ESPECIALLY ONE THAT WILL NOT
FIT THROUGH THE DOORWAY TO WHERE THE PILLS ARE. You should also
be out of reach of any weapon-like utensil with which you could threaten friends or family,
who should also be briefed to not give you the pills, no matter how much you sweet-talk them.

[WolfeMacleod]

Always loved a good Warning Label.

IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The entire physical universe, including this product, may one day collapse back into an infinitesimally small space. Should another universe subsequently re-emerge, the existence of this product in that universe cannot be guaranteed.
------------------
WARNING: This product warps space and time in its vicinity.
------------------
CAUTION: The mass of this product contains the energy equivalent of 85 million tons of TNT per net ounce of weight.
------------------
HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This product contains minute electrically charged particles moving at velocities in excess of five hundred million miles per hour.
-----------------
CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the ``uncertainty principle,'' it is impossible for the consumer to find out at the same time both precisely where this product is and how fast it is moving.
-----------------
READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to certain suggested versions of the Grand Unified Theory, the primary particles constituting this product may decay to nothingness within the next four hundred million years.
-----------------
THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the unlikely event that this merchandise should contact antimatter in any form, a catastrophic explosion will result.
-----------------
PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any use of this product, in any manner whatsoever, will increase the amount of disorder in the universe. Although no liability is implied herein, the consumer is warned that this process will ultimately lead to the heat death of the universe.
-----------------
ATTENTION: Despite any other listing of product contents found herein, the consumer is advised that, in actuality, this product consists of 99.9999999999% empty space.
-----------------
NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The manufacturer may technically be entitled to claim that this product is ten-dimensional. However, the consumer is reminded that this confers no legal rights above and beyond those applicable to three-dimensional objects, since the seven new dimensions are ``rolled up'' into such a small ``area'' that they cannot be detected.
----------------
PLEASE NOTE: Some quantum physics theories suggest that when the consumer is not directly observing this product, it may cease to exist or will exist only in a vague and undetermined state.




ADVISORY - There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe, The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.

[DARISC]

Remember when packs of matches had the warning "Close cover before striking"?

Until it occurred to some genius to put the striker strip on the back side of the pack?

[Steve Carlton]

Not a label, but I thought this was funny:

[Laneco]

A friend of mine had begun racing mountain bikes in downhill races. He bought quite a lot of protective gear. One item was a full face helmet with a custom feature for the lower face portion. You could fit it to your face so you could be able to breath while wearing the helmet. It required you to measure carefully, drill holes and then assemble...

The warning said "Please remove helmet from head before drilling..."

angela

[Jeff Alton]

Careful, for years a buddy and me used to mock the warning on my Connelly Concept water ski. Both boot said "severe injury or death may result from the use of this product". It was routine for us to mock the label right before sliding off the swim platform and into the water.

When I crashed bad one evening on it and broke my ankle and tore up my lower leg really bad, the first thing my buddy said while hauling me in the boat was "severe injury may result...."

Didn't seem to funny anymore, or for the next 10 weeks while I was in a cast......

Cheers

[kstar]

Found this sign on Jalopnik today - seems reasonable

[jeffgrant]

Picture's worth a thousand words.

[IROC]

Seen on a package of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."

[on2wheels52]

This was on a Shandong Pioneer XF250 (chinese motorcycle)

"You must observe the following safety rules; otherwise it will result in a accident happening:

Wear the safety helmet, protect the eyes, and wear the conspicious clothing.

When the road is slippery or the eyeshot is not good, you must decelerate."

Jim

[rammstein]

I like warnings on things like MILK, that say "This product may contain dairy".

Lawyers.

[Moneyguy1]

On one rider mower:

"Avoid Death".

[kstar]

Cratch?

[sammyg2]

On a blanket from Taiwan:
Not to be used as protection from a tornado.

Warning on fireplace log:
Caution -- Risk of Fire.

A warning on a pair of shin guards manufactured for bicyclists:
Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover.

Warning on an electric router made for carpenters:
This product not intended for use as a dental drill.

On a bottle of shampoo for dogs:
Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish.

On a hair dryer:
Do not use in shower.

On Marks & Spencer bread pudding
Product will be hot after heating.


On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: Contains nuts.

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions - open packet, eat nuts.

On some frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: defrost.

On a hotel provided shower cap:
Fits one head.

Warning on a cartridge for a laser printer:
Do not eat toner.

A 13" a wheelbarrow warns:
Not for highway use

Can of self-defense pepper spray warns:
May irritate eyes.

Warning on a Conair Pro Style 1600 hair dryer:
Do not use in shower. Never use while sleeping.

Silly Putty package warning:
Not for use as earplugs.

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

Baby stroller warning:
Remove child before folding.


A fireplace lighter cautions:
Do not use near fire, flame or sparks.

A handheld massager warns consumers:
Don't use while sleeping or unconscious.

Warning on underarm deodorant:
Do not spray in eyes.

Cardboard car sun shield that keeps sun off the dashboards warns
Do not drive with sun shield in place

Warning on a sharpening stone:
Knives are sharp.

Bottle water label warns:
Twist top off with hands. Throw top away. Do not put top in mouth.

On a box or rat poison
Warning: Has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice.

On a Domino's Pizza box
Caution: Contents hot!

Toilet bowl cleaning brush warns:
Do not use orally

An electric cattle prods warns:
For use on animals only

A can of air freshner warns:
Keep out of reach of children and teenagers

Cheap rubber ball toy warning:
Choking hazard: This toy is a small ball.

Caution on a package of dice:
Not for human consumption.

In the manual of a chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop the blade with your hand.

Stamped on the barrel of a .22 calibre rifle:
Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death.

Instructions for an electric thermometer:
Do not use orally after using rectally.

On the wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack:
Remove plastic before eating.

A TV remote controller warns:
Not dishwasher safe.