An Exercise In Pathetic Futility

[Burnin' oil]

Originally Posted by livi

What is worrying me more than anything is that I feel a lot better after a couple a drinks. Bad sign. Bad indeed.

If that is a bad sign, then I'm in trouble.

When I'm feeling down I like to read a good book like "West with the Night" by Beryl Markham which really helps . . . confirm that I am a loser. I would like to break out of the doldrums but I'm just too dang lazy. But hey, good luck to you.

[Christien]

Sounds tough, but do definitely watch the drink, especially if it's seeming to help, because we all know long term it'll make it much worse when it becomes the only thing in your life. Though I do believe (and I may get slammed for this) that it can be an effective temporary crutch, so long as you know when to say enough is enough, and you can walk away from it easily enough. I don't really have an addictive personality, so I can't see it being a problem for myself.

Markus, you've shared a lot of your life, ups and downs, here on OT and it seems to me like you've met with a fair deal of success in your life - I mean on a personal and professional basis, in ways that are meaningful. You deal with really big issues every day at work, which must sometimes weigh very heavily on your mind. I mean, if I f&^k up at work somebody's car payment bounces or something like that. If you f*(k up at work, well, it's a bit different. So where do you go when you've attained your goals and dealing with big issues is an everyday occurrence? I don't know - set new goals? I'm young enough (32) that I haven't met all my goals yet, and still get a huge deal of satisfaction out of chasing them down.

But I've noticed over the last couple years that I get into a huge funk in the winter. Last February I was absolutely miserable for about 2 weeks. It passed with the cold weather, but man it was awful. I'd never been that way. I found that, because I've got the basics covered (good family, marriage, career, etc.) that I need short-term exciting things to look forward to. I don't necessarily mean track days or concerts with the band, it can be something as simple as dinner with friends, or a "date" with my wife, but I do need a constant string of those or else I tend to get a bit down. Maybe it's boredom?

Just a few thoughts to maybe put a different perspective on things.

Oh yeah, and don't give up the bottle entirely - alcohol can't replace happiness, but it sure as hell can enhance it!

[the]

Originally Posted by Moneyguy1

3. Booze bad if used for mood alteration.

What else is booze used for?

[livi]

Here is a random shallow observation:

I have not been able to drive my classic 85 year model incarnation of the legendary Porsche 911 for almost two months! I am, slightly silly, sneaking out in the garage a couple of times a week, caressing the front fenders going vroom- vrooom. Checking the battery tender, rolling her a feet or two back or forth to avoid flat spots (another futile exercise).

Seriously. I am rambling here. I need to hit something, somebody. Love something, somebody.

[911Rob]

Get crazy buddy; do both!
Hit 'em hard
Love 'em hard

[911Rob]

Seriously buddy,

I've had a few points in my life when I felt exactly the same way. When I reflect it was likely because I'd achieved my current goals. You need to set new ones.

Happiness comes from having dreams!
Success comes from making dreams come true!

Still one of my favs.

The first time I felt like this was when I was just over 30; my wife and I had 4 of our 5 kids then, we had achieved our fiancial goals and life seemed for nothing. I made a drastic and sudden realization that I needed to spend more quality time with my family and set new goals to that effect.

You've got a young, beautiful family. Set a goal for yourself as to how you are going to enrich your experiences with them?

My Canadian two cents fwiw.

[911Rob]

BTW, my kids today........ I refer to them as my lifes resume.
I'm so proud!!

The most worthwhile thing that you could do is to invest your time into your family.
Pays back huge dividends.

[stomachmonkey]

Be spontaneous without regard to the consequences.

One summer when I was 15/16 I had my brother drive me to the airport and hoped on a plane to Germany with my skis, $5 bucks and a street car pass in my pocket.

Made my way to Omi's and hung out with some friends for a couple of days. Hit Omi up for a couple of bucks and hoped a train to Switzerland and went Skiing in Zermatt for a week. Met some cool people in a bar who were going to rent me a room to crash in and hook me up with a job.

Mom found out and stopped by on her way home from Italy and dragged me back home.

That was living.

Was recently on the phone with the 1st girl I was going to marry.

After a while she stopped me and said "what the hell happened to you. you sound like a crotchity old bastard. one of the many things I loved about you was the "adventure". I always looked forward to whatever random off the wall thing you were going to do next even if it did not include me because it was always exciting"

I have kids now, a mortgage, other people whose shelter, food and families rely on me being here.

It's a burden. And it has made me feel empty. Instead of getting excited about jumping off a cliff I now worry about what will happen to all of those people who rely on me if my spur of the moment plans don't work out.

Gotta get back to that other place myself.

I'm even afraid to get into a good old fashioned bar fight these days.

Used to love them, win/lose who cared cause afterwards we'd always make up and get even stupider drunk. Nothing like a good a55 woopin now and then to make you feel alive.

[Wavey]

Livi -

Occasional "emptiness" is normal and usually goes away on it's own.

Seek out opportunities to be of service to other people. Volunteer somewhere. Works for me.

[Seahawk]

I reached a point recently where I felt much the same way you do now...I couldn't really isolate the reason, but the feeling was there, tangible and gloomy.

I tried to work my way through the funk by knocking the dust off some old hobbies, taking a road trip (or two) and generally trying to "think" my way out.

Those tactics had been successful in the past.

Not this time...but the process is still important, I think and did help and set the stage.

Clarity of thought often arrives at strange junctures when least expected. In the midst of the, "mood" I had a meeting with an old boss of mine, who is a friend. The meeting was to discuss the next step in my career, pretty much following in his footsteps.

As always, our discussion was fun and funny...he is a great guy. But he said something that shouldn't have floored me but did: He said the last time he enjoyed being in the Navy was when we were together making a real difference. I was a CDR at the time and he was a CAPT. I am now a CAPT and he is an Admiral. I still get to make a real difference and he seems mired.

But there it was, the root cause of the funk...I do not want to be him. I have worked on enough high level staffs to know that I have a passion for what I do now, but most assuredly do not for the next level. It seems I fell in the trap of trying to meet others expectations and forgot that what I want out of my professional life is most important. It is an insidious, slow moving germ that is inexorable if not faced. I was trying to talk myself into thinking I would like the next reward without even knowing it.

I don't know if this makes any sense to you, Markus, or even applies in your situation, but it surely resonated with me. On reflection and with many discussions with my wife and children, I have decided to retire from the Navy and sought and secured a job that both excites and satisfies my professional needs. I cannot begin to explain how much better I feel, the fog has lifted

My advice? Work through the process, listen to yourself and others without thinking there has to be an answer at a specific time. All the best.

[M.D. Holloway]

Marcus - the thing that has me going is the book I'm writing. I live for the Kids and Wife for sure but the thing that puts tingles in the trousers is the book deal. Good, solid, hard work that you can get your teeth into and maybe make a little coin as well.

Wayne didn't get rich on his books but I bet he really enjoyed writing them and seeling a commission check every quarter. Then there are always the 2nd and 3rd editions.

Write a book.

[mossguy]

Markus - Try reading "Passages" by Gail Sheehy. If you have already read it, read it again. When we turn a major corner like 39 to 40, we need to put away the work of the 30's and begin to concentrate on the 'work' of the 40's. At the moment, I'm doing the work of the 70's so that when the time comes, I will be ready to do the work of the 80's I hope I have made some sense here. Bibliotherapy is a wonderful thing!

Best,

Tom
http://www.gailsheehy.com/middletown/mens_passages_index.html

[the]

Originally Posted by mossguy

Markus - Try reading "Passages" by Gail Sheehy. If you have already read it, read it again. When we turn a major corner like 39 to 40, we need to put away the work of the 30's and begin to concentrate on the 'work' of the 40's. At the moment, I'm doing the work of the 70's so that when the time comes, I will be ready to do the work of the 80's I hope I have made some sense here. Bibliotherapy is a wonderful thing!

Best,

Tom
http://www.gailsheehy.com/middletown/mens_passages_index.html

Interesting. I looked it up, here's from one of the reviews of the book:

"Her most radical idea is that the first half of life, First Adulthood, is about ''crafting a 'false self' -- a front tailored to please or to pass -- that is useful in earning approval, rewards and recognition from the adult world.'' But Second Adulthood, from about 40 to 70, is a whole new ball game. It is a time when ''there are a number of different scoreboards -- as son, mate, father, friend, colleague, mentor, community wise man, benefactor. The crucial innings of Second Adulthood are neither played by the same rules nor scored in the same way as a young man's game.'' Men can succeed in Second Adulthood, even reach an Age of Mastery, only if they move ''from competing to connecting'' and aim for redirection rather than retirement."

Wow - a lot of that really resonates with me. The concept if the first adulthood (up to the time you are 40), and the rules for success and happiness in that phase.

A lot of us were very successful in those pursuits - earning "approval, rewards and recognition" from the adult world. Those are the kinds of things I mentioned in my earlier post - excelling in high school, college, graduate school, achievement in your business/profession. That was the peak that we strived for, were good at, and by our early 40s reached.

Her idea that the game, and the rules, now change is intriguing. I had viewed it as climbing to the peak and being not entirely satisfied, but maybe that's not really it. The peak was really just an illusion, it's not a peak, but a corner. you turn that corner, and the game changes. You have feelings of dissatisfaction because you are playing a new game by the old rules, and it doesn't work the same.

Interesting.

[Dan in Pasadena]

Markus,
How did I not see this thread before now? I agree with almost everything everyone has posted. Classically, I like Sammy's response to this thread the most so far. In response to something nice you posted about me in another thread I responded that I am a bit of a mess sometimes.

When I was going through my divorce some years ago, I was a complete mess. Truth be told, nearly suicidal in a few brief moments. Typically male, I thought "I can FIX this, if I can understand this I can MAKE it work". So, I read what I had NEVER read before...some "self help" books. Overall and with years of hindsight? What a crock of schit!

But two made a big impact on me. Primarily, "Happiness is a Serious Problem - A Human Nature Repair Manual" by Dennis Prager. Prager is a radio host here and I disagree with a LOT of his positions on the radio, but I think this book is an absolute classic. It was a Godsend for me! Drop me a PM with your address and I will happily mail you one of two copies I own.

The other was "The Road Less Travelled" by M. Scott Peck, M.D. The opening line of that book got me and never let go, "Life Is difficult. This is a great truth. One of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult - once we truly understand and accept it - then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters." You've got to read it all to understand the author's point of view, but it has helped me in some very tough times.

Send me your address and I'll overnight it to you tomorrow. Take care, my "friend-I-have-never-met...yet". Remember, "Life is Good, but it isn't Fair". Best, Dan

[Christien]

Originally Posted by livi

I have not been able to drive my classic 85 year model incarnation of the legendary Porsche 911 for almost two months! I am, slightly silly, sneaking out in the garage a couple of times a week, caressing the front fenders going vroom- vrooom. Checking the battery tender, rolling her a feet or two back or forth to avoid flat spots (another futile exercise).

Hmm, maybe we're ignoring the elephant in the room, and this is all about p-car withdrawal! I say that somewhat in jest, but there *is* that element.

What I did was buy a $1700 944 to use as a winter car. Now it's become a series of small winter projects. There's nothing like lying on your back in a -5C garage trying to first find the f*&king starter then trying to remove said f*&king starter, only to find out the damn f(*king starter is dead. Or partially dead. I did learn that beer tastes really good when it's just above freezing. Still, it's nice to drop the hammer on the highway on-ramp in the middle of January and at least get some thrills and not worry about driving a really pristine car into the ground. I just have to park on a hill...

[Moneyguy1]

Dan...the 12 step programs which, admittedly are not for everyone, have a mantra about problems:

1. You didn't cause the problem

2. You can't control the problem

3. You can't cure the problem

I have found that to be helpful on occasion.

the:

Booze as a mood alterer: My first wife (deceased, God rest her soul) back 21 years ago was on medicine for bipolar and took to drinking which only made the problem worse. To her credit, she did go to rehab and stayed off alcohol for 20 years before she died of a aneurism of the brain.

[Dan in Pasadena]

the - "Passages" was one of the books I always meant to read when I was going through my difficult time, but didn't. Thanks for the recommendation. I am going to Amazon to order it now.

[Dan in Pasadena]

Bob,
Very, very sorry to hear of your late wife's problems.

Thanks for the mantra, I will remember it.

I have a pet theory (which is probably a crock, but...) I think a lot of our individual problems and even some of what we call mild mental problems MIGHT be the outfall of "poor thinking" methods - for lack of a better explanation. I came to this idea AFTER I got through the majority of my marital issues and all the wailing and gnashing of teeth was over. I realized one day that once I settled the hell down mentally everything I had been telling myself was very destructive. You've got to be VERY CAREFUL with what you "say" to yourself because there is no one in your head to defend you FROM you! Does that make even a little sense? Whom do we believe more than our own thoughts? If we are openly or covertly telling ourselves that we are stupid, "What a Fool You Are" or, "Man, you messed that up" and such you (me) tend to entirely believe it. Anyway, I try to ACTIVELY think positive thoughts. I had a little sign I printed and put on my desk, "I am having a GREAT day" Of course I was having a schitty life at that point and the ridiculousness of that sign would make me almost laugh. Viola! Better mood...at least for a minute or two. It got me thinking.

[rcecale]

Originally Posted by livi

You guys never stop amazing me. The perfect combination of honesty, depth and humor. I feel better already. Thanks for all your good thoughts. I believe many of them are the key. It is just a matter of embracing it.

"Playing with the kids" is usually a good cure for the blahs.

The beauty of playing with Wayne's kids is that you can turn us all off and put us away and never have to worry about cleaning up the mess!

Randy

[Moneyguy1]

Dan:

No matter if you are a "believer" or not is irrelevant, but the following has a certain ring to it that I like:

God don't make junk