Confronting friends with drug/alcohol problems

[scottmandue]

This is a little strange for me because back in my twenties and thirties I was a party animal... if you could smoke, swallow, snort, any mind altering substance I was first in line.

Now that I have hit the big five-oh I keep it down to the occasional booze and cigars.

My friend however show no sign of slowing down... a couple I have known for decades has no medical insurance and they are both having serious dental problems... I suspect it is not due only to bad/no maintenance but I am not the judgmental type so I don't say anything about it.

Another long time friend of mine came by last night and she was basically what we call "a bucket of depression"... back in the day she was smart, funny, fun to be around, and pretty. Now she is over weight, on anti-D's, pain killers, and booze. Last night I ask her if she mind if I have a cigar and she asked if I mind if she smokes a joint. She even went on to hint that I won't date her because of her weight when in reality I don't want to date an emotional basket case.

All that to say... I know direct confrontation most often doesn't work... people with substance abuse issues usually just get defensive and argumentative and things end up worse (ask me how I know).

Has anyone had any luck talking with friends/family about substance abuse?

Or what would PPOT do?

[Dantilla]

Very difficult to see someone you care about with self-desructive behavior.

I wish I had a good answer for you.

[scottmandue]

I have been to a couple of AL-ANON meetings and as far as I can tell (don't know much about their philosophy from the few meetings I have been to) believe everyone has to take care of themselves. Pretty much common sense really but when people you love start falling apart it is hard not to want to do something.

[trekkor]

You need something to replace the bad behavior...A reason to quit.


KT

[bt1211]

What outcome are you looking to get?

As you are aware no ones stops unless they want to. Just be the friend that you are.

Everyone doesnt get to go to the "promised land", some of those people, will be people that we know and care about (thats something my mother used to say).

[scottmandue]

Originally Posted by trekkor

You need something to replace the bad behavior...A reason to quit.


KT

Well, the lady I saw last night has started going back to church (no comments please)... and the guy in the couple with the dental problems has started singing with a band... I just hope it is not too little too late.

At least the lady I am speaking of seems to have accepted that I am in a relationship with another woman (thank God for gossipy friends) so maybe we can start hanging out as (just) friends.

[WI wide body]

Originally Posted by trekkor

You need something to replace the bad behavior...A reason to quit.KT

It's not always just bad behavior. My dad was diagnosed as a true alchoholic and it was a chemical thing with-in his body. Once he started drinking he virtually could not quit on his own. He once went for OVER 9 years without drinking and decided that he didn't have a problem anymore. Four months later he again a mess.

Until these types of people realize the true scope of their problem they will never defeat it. The thing they have to realize when they are clean is that it's that very first decision to take a drink that dooms them.

[trekkor]

Yes, good point.

I was thinking more about the cocaine, crack, meth, pot crowd.



KT

[72 four door]

Tough love dont hold back let em know the truth! You dont have to be mean with what you say, just try to do it in a loving manner. Its the people that enable addicts that are really hurting them. Sometimes you have to set boundaries.

[HardDrive]

I don't think I'm a alcoholic (no one ever does.....), but I decided last year that I need to drink less. No big blow ups, no lost jobs, no crashed cars....just decided I needed to scale back.

I should say that there are whole slew of underlying things I have been working out. I have a mentally ill family member (a severe personality disorder, not a chemical problem) that has made me examine myself, my behavior, and my feelings rather closely.

Buddhism has helped me tremendously with this.

A person can become habituated to negative, destructive behaviors. But we can change. It takes time, effort, and self awareness. When I am getting angry or worried, I find myself much better at 'catching' myself in these moments that I was a year ago. I don't ignore or try and bury what I'm feeling. I just hold the emotion out and arms length, and look at it for what it is.

Be VERY curious to hear what nostatic has to say in the matter.

[DanielDudley]

My experience with confronting drug alchohol abusers is that they will usually decide that YOU are the problem, and stick with the genie in the bottle...

You will be better off IMO.

[scottmandue]

Maybe I could get Denis (speeder) to talk to them.

[Moneyguy1]

Scott:

Get yourself to an Al-Anon meeting or two or three. You will discover a lot about addiction and how the most important thing is to take care of yourself. No one....I repeat no one seeks help to overcome their problems until they themselves are ready; generally when they hit a certain low.

[nostatic]

get new friends/family.

A person has to want to straighten themselves out. Until they hit bottom and really want to change, they won't. And they often drag those around them down with them.

btdt

[Rick V]

For some people, it will take something major in thier life to quit the destructive behaviour. For me it took 6 cops, lots of high powered weapons (most of which were mine) and a young girl (my daughter) for the reality to set in that I had a problem.
It sounds like you have been down this road before and you already know the answer. I hope your friend can get a grip on the problem before it is too late. I got lucky, alot don't.

[KevinP73]

Originally Posted by nostatic

get new friends/family.

A person has to want to straighten themselves out. Until they hit bottom and really want to change, they won't. And they often drag those around them down with them.

btdt

No truer words were ever spoken. ASK ME HOW I KNOW!!

[svandamme]

Originally Posted by nostatic

A person has to want to straighten themselves out. Until they hit bottom and really want to change, they won't. And they often drag those around them down with them.

I second that

I actually had a good friend back in Rotterdam, boulemic, borderline alcoholic, impulsive and always running head first into a new wall, right after having hit the previous wall...like boxing boyfriends, or buying a new motorcycle right after loosing job, and buying it online and sending money with western union... and then be surprised the bike is a no show...etc etc

At some point, i gave up, it will bring you down emotionally trying to rescue somebody who doesn't want to be rescued.
That was 2 years ago, and the reason i backed off was her announcement to marry a guy she had just met 2 months earlier, and i knew she wasn't the marying kind
note , i was not personally interested at all, not my type, at all


got news last wednesday... she had been murdered, by the guy she had married... who had turned out to be somebody with psychiatric background with violent tendencies

when i heard the news, i was not surprised at all
did have a rough night sleep over it, what if i hadn't backed off and kept trying to get some sense into here...

but you know , some people just can't be saved

i can say that, because i was no angel myself, did enough stupid things, booze , blow, and everything else
and ultimately i saved my own skin,
i distanced myself from my own problems and destructive behaviour... nobody did that for me and i quite sure nobody could have done that for me either...the more they tried, the more i acted out.... i had to hit rock bottom and snap out of it myself...

[Tobra]

Originally Posted by trekkor

You need something to replace the bad behavior...A reason to quit.


KT

this is crucial

If they don't want to get better they won't, if you want proof, look at 90% of the homeless population

[livi]

Agreed. Motivation and support. In that particular order. I also agree with Stijn, some people does not seem to want to be saved which, effectively, closes the doors.

[Porsche-O-Phile]

Originally Posted by nostatic

get new friends/family.

A person has to want to straighten themselves out. Until they hit bottom and really want to change, they won't. And they often drag those around them down with them.

btdt

As cold as that might sound, +1.

There are two kinds of people in this world - the ones that bring you up and the ones that bring you down. Consider which ones you'd like to associate with.

That said, there's no helping someone like that. They either want to help themselves first, and take steps to do it, or they will continue on the path to "rock bottom". Either death comes first or they wake up one day and realize that their rotten miserable life is their own doing - and change results.

You can only hope for their sake that the "moment of clarity" comes before the reaper does.

But until one or the other occurs, there is little to be gained by associating with such people. Hate to say it, but that's reality.