I don't have any experience with this first hand. Lucky enough for me.

My sister, on the other hand, is a basket case. She was married, then divorced, then in a same-sex relationship. Then she met a guy and has 2 kids with him. That guy had 2 kids from a previous marriage. They never married, because they "didn't believe in marriage" but my sister changed her last name to match the "father's." Go figure.

The "father" is useless, because he left my sister to make more kids with some other broad (6 kids by 3 different women). My sister met another guy, married and got the guy to adopt the 2 kids. Now, there is trouble with the husband/adoptive father, and she's talking about lawyers and such.

She's a train wreck, I get that and have known that for a long time.

Thing is, it's never her fault. At least that is what she thinks. It's always someone else's fault that things didn't go as she expected. Now, I have it on record with her that I "told her so." So she avoids me now, because she doesn't like the fact that I see this stuff coming from a mile away.

Anyway, the point is that it takes two to tango. And unless there is some well documented evidence of substance abuse or violence, then you should expect that 1/2 of the issues with your GF's EX are of her doing. (half being a guesstimate, ymmv).

Look for those patterns of behavior. Understand that people often don't change. We also seek out comfortable situations, whether we know it or not, and sometimes that means lots of drama for some folks.

Why not just date? Why do you need to take it to the next level?

I didn't get into the "run forrest, run" mode because that was not the subject of Jeremy's query. It absolutely amazes me how quickly these threads can get sidetracked. Sometimes its fun to stumble onto an active thread about three pages long and only read the first post and the last. What may start out with "My neighbor borrowed some tools and hasn't returned them" degenerates into "Hillary is a beyotch."

Back to your original post. I have no biological children of my own, but have step children with my now wife...twin 17 y.o. daughters and a 19 y.o. step son. Been in their lives for 4-5 years and they haave added so much more to my life than I could possibly add to theirs. You're getting in much earlier than I did and I suspect they add to your life even moreso. Especially if you have no kids of your own.

As to moving out of state, the UCCJA generally mandates that jurisdiction for any modiffication remains with the Court of original jurisdiction. There are provisions for transferring it to where the custodial parent moves to if the court of original jurisdiction agrees, but generally not. Wherever jurisdiction ends up, the original decree will have to be modified by the judge even if changes are agreed to by the parties. Don't allow her to fall into the trap of a verbal agreement with the father...the original decree controls until ratified by the Court/judge. A concern even moreso in this specific situation where the mother and father can't agree on things and require a mediator/family master.

One of the things that usually happens when great distance is between the parties is that the court will recognize frequent weekend visitation is not feasible. So what usually happens is that non-custodial parent will get visitation less often but for longer periods. For example instaed of 3 weekends a month and a week or to in the summer, the court may set it at one weekend a month and 2 months in the summer and 10 days at Christmas. Quite often the parent that has moved away will be responsible for transportation for the child to visit the parent that has stayed put. 600 miles is not a distance where the parties can meet half way to exchange the child as it puts the kid in travel mode for a total of 24 hours coming and going....kinda burns up a weekend.

Another consideration (at least here in the Bible belt) is the living arrangements. Many courts require a "morality clause " stating that the parents will not cohabit or have "overnight guests of the opposite sex to whom they are not related by blood or marriage." May be different in sophisticated Colorado.

Once they get about 10-12, it is not unreasonable to fly them to visit dad. Once they're in their mod-teens, they have lives of their own so visitation becomes much more spotty when there are great distances. And mom needs to be prepared for the time when for whatever reason the children want to live with their father...doesn't mean she's a bad mother but it happens quite a bit.


Finally on a personal level, you must understand that no matter how much gf loves you, you will always come in a distant second to her children if push comes to shove. And be prepared for mixed messages as to what role she wants you to take as a step-parent.

In my current relationship I made it clear to the kids and their father I was in no way trying to take his place. The point is somewhat moot as he married a country music heiress and moved to Ventura Beach, CA. They see him maybe twice a year.

Good luck....

I don't think it was a sidetrack at all. There is no answer in isolation...the particular issue is part of a bigger set of questions. And some on this board have been down that road. We're just trying to impart some of our hard earned wisdom (or bitterness :p).

Okay, I lied...back on this thread. Gogar, I wish you well, I really do. But you did ask for opinions. It all worked out well for Cindy & I....may you survive the storms I'm sure will come. These happen in all marriages, yeah they do.

+2

Run, don't walk...

Thank you, Paul. I did ask for opinions; I didn't need you to call me stupid. I have been very cautious and responsible with this whole thing for 3 years, to my benefit, I think.

I just wanted to throw the idea out to the brain trust and see what happened. So I see what happened.

Many people ask questions they already know the answers to. I have lots of opinions about it, many of which have been echoed in the thread. I just wanted to hear from some voices of experience, all of which are welcomed.

And, of course, i expected a lot of "Run Forrest" knee-jerk responses, as it seems 75% of the guys on O/T are bitter divorcees. No problem.:)

Gogar, I went through this with my ex-wife. I was Husband #3. She had Children from 2 previous marriages (1 girl from each). Husband #1 was fine, Husband #2 and my wife didn't get along. I ended up having to commute 1 hour each way, so that she could attempt to get custody back. I had actually suggested the move first, so she wouldn't have to go to court. It ended up that she lost custody and never got it back. This lead to a lot of stress and that caused issues between us.

Marriage is hard enough. If you are already having issues with this, and you aren't married yet, it will most likely not improve when you are married. I am not bitter over my marriage. And I certainly wasn't bitter over the child issue. You need to understand that these problems will only get worse.

Never married, but having just come out of (and still trying to get closure on) a 9 year relationship (with someone who admitedly brought "lots of baggage"), I will add one thing (that I KNOW you already know based upon the single guy's thread): "If she has issues with her ex, you will likely be the next ex she has issues with". Good luck!

I bet 75% of the guys on this board bought the P because they got divorced :D (lolo, me ??? nahhhhh ;)

This thread drove a stake through me ... dam ... I feel better that I'm not the only one !!! :D

My parents divorced and my dad actually let us move to SoCal. This was even after mom called the RCP at the Toronto airport for "alleged" kidnapping ... dumb dad just had to say, "see you in hell" before we drove off for the airport. My parents did like each other in the end but for some reason mom let us go to see dad in the summers and winters. I was like sweet! Different city to hang out for a while in. yet, same mom would tell my dad that he couldn't see us after driving 10 hours.

women are weird ... and I didn't learn anything from that :(


I got mez a gf with a 12 year old boy ... yes, unfortunately I'm by far number 2.
yes, mez, being dumb again.
yez, mez, knowz "run forest run ..." especially considering I can get no baggage tail.

Why ??? the only answer I could think of (same for her) was that, something deep down deep, we have this connection that has out lasted several arguments (of course, I blurt out when she pulls my ex out, "doh, look at yourself first") Not cool, but why should I take BS when I know I don't have the baggage that she has, and I know that I have a higher resell value. I also told her bluntly after a recent fight that I was advised to bail. Well, along with the fact that various opinions choose her side, mine, or both/neither. And then emphasised again that I was "advised to run" ... gave her a few minutes to consider what I was saying. Interestingly enough ... she has been lovey dovey again.

resall value ;)

This is one dang hard decision to make:
1.) stay home because kid doesn't feel like going and then either watch cartoon network or watch him play WI for hours
2.) find something that you can just jump in the car with and go weeeeeeeeeeeeeee :D
We all know this !

doh, I must be dummer than I think I am .... oh well :D "life is always like a box of chocolates"

Back to topic again:
You gotta get the wife to communicate with her ex. You know what to say to her ex.
Like it has mentioned, get it in writting.

Is her ex being a jerk because:
1.) he is one
2.) he holds spite towards her
3.) he doesn't like you

kids don't deserver the tug-of-war or spy-games. They should be out of this war. It's not fair for them. We know this ... but do they?

Good Luck and hope that things work out, sometimes the start align at the right time :D

Jeremy, I have done hundreds of divorces and Dueller is giving you good advice. In the end, keep in mind that your opinion in the matter will mean little. Not trying to insult you, just giving advice from experience. Good luck.