message from John Cleese

[svandamme]

Funny ;-)




A Message from John Cleese

To: The Citizens of the United States of America:


In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for
President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give
notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical
duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas ,
which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor
for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether
any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You
will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour'
and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without
skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the
suffix -ise.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to
acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler
noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and
inefficient
form of communication.

There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know
on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take
account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You
will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.

Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult
enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a
therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.


6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry
anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be
required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is
for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand
what we mean.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you
will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time,
you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
conversion tables.

Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the
British sense of humour.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have
been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call
French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling
potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried
in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance
will be referred to as Lager.

South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound
the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the
beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for
them.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English
actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English
actors to play English characters.

Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four
Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears
removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one
kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough
will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to
American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty
seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like
they regularly thrash us.


14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable
to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played
outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a
world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn
cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the
sting out of their deliveries.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. ta x collector) from Her
Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition
of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups,
never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries
in season.

God save the Queen.

Only He can.

John Cleese

[Jim Bremner]

Piss Off!

keep talking this way...and we'll let ya'll fight another war with us where we'll kill more of you than the enemy will!

now bugger off while dreaming of what a great country and empire you've let sift past your pale rickety fingers!

Johny Yank.

[nyne11]

Yeh.......What JC said!!...and there is no such thing as a Newcuelar weapon. Nuclear is pronounced New-clear...how hard can it be! Pass this on to George W somebody. And knives and fork's (Cutlery) are not cuttelree it is pronounced Cut-ler-ree... as in Julery....I mean Jewelry.....I give up...YAAAAWWWL have a good day now.

[Steve PH]

That article makes me cringe, funny in parts but embarrassing in others. For one thing its bad enough having a Royal family, I wouldn't want to inflict them on somebody else!

On a side note I had heard that piece wasn't actually written by John Cleese.

[Dutchie]

"14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable
to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played
outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a
world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn
cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the
sting out of their deliveries."

lmao

[John_AZ]

I think Basil-aka John Cleese, has made some very fine points. John McCain, AZ favorite son and all, is a bit long in the tooth. Would we really want our grandfather running the USA?

The dollar is so weak now that we have to beg the foreign sovereign wealth funds for bailout money and I worry what the IOUs will cost us in the future.

Intended to be humorous, some topics have merit.

Svandamme, maybe John Cleese has a vision for a government in Belgium.
Who would rule Flanders and Wallonia?

John_AZ

[cashflyer]

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether
any of you noticed.
Unless American Idol is affected, they will not notice.

All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good.
Says a guy from the land of Triumph, MG, Jaguar, and Lucas Electric??? At least my headlamp settings aren't "off" and "smoke".

The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol roughly $6/US gallon.
Must be an old letter. Yesterday's UK average was 1.04/L - or about $7.55/us gallon.

Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
It's because of the lack of maps!! Didn't you learn anything from Miss Teen South Carolina???

[Jim Richards]

No problem as long as we will not have to suffer eating British food, please.

[MRM]

I think this letter has been around in one form or another for a while. I think it was originally written for the Clinton administration.

[Steve PH]

Originally Posted by Jim Richards

No problem as long as we will not have to suffer eating British food, please.

That's a bit rich coming from an American, I admit some of the dishes that have come from the British isles haven't always been that desirable but at least we didn't give the world Macdonalds!

[cmccuist]

Number 3 hits pretty close to home. My oldest daughter is an MD, and my other daughter is a lawyer. They both incorporate the always irritating "like" into our conversations.

My son, on the other hand (who is studying engineering) never says "you know" or "like". Probably because I can never get a word out of him anyway.

[cmccuist]

Originally Posted by Steve PH

That's a bit rich coming from an American, I admit some of the dishes that have come from the British isles haven't always been that desirable but at least we didn't give the world Macdonalds!

Ouch!

And don't forget corn dogs, funnel cakes, and American "cheese"!!

[Jim Richards]

Originally Posted by Steve PH

That's a bit rich coming from an American, I admit some of the dishes that have come from the British isles haven't always been that desirable but at least we didn't give the world Macdonalds!

We have fantastic BBQ, Tex-Mex, New Mexico green chili (my personal fave), and southern fried chicken. Mmmmm.

[Steve PH]

To be fair you definitely have us on the BBQ thing, you won't find people smoking meets over here.

No what ever we (as a nation) barbie, it's either burnt to a crisp or dangerously undercooked and then it starts raining!

[John_AZ]

Steve PH,

Thank all the Brits for Amy Winehouse...seriously.


The Grammy voters got the album of the year right as well, River: The Joni Letters, Herbie Hancock.
John_AZ

[Jim Richards]

Originally Posted by Steve PH

To be fair you definitely have us on the BBQ thing, you won't find people smoking meets over here.

No what ever we (as a nation) barbie, it's either burnt to a crisp or dangerously undercooked and then it starts raining!

I think if the UK wants to make reasserting it's authority over the US worthwhile, you guys need to be ready to plunder our BBQ and southwestern cuisine. Otherwise, what's the point?

[onewhippedpuppy]

Pretty funny, no matter who wrote it.

[HardDrive]

Originally Posted by cashflyer

[B]Says a guy from the land of Triumph, MG, Jaguar, and Lucas Electric??? At least my headlamp settings aren't "off" and "smoke".

LOL. Thanks for the first laugh of the day

[72doug2,2S]

The US does not recognize titles of foreigners in America, especially birth right titles. This was true in 1776, 1812 and 2008. In the US all men are created equal.

As to our candidates we'll make that decision not UK wankers. And Mad Cow disease does not exist in American beef.

We have made a few contributions beyond bubblegum, hamburgers (The bun) and milkshakes.

Our melting pot has created a few things like, Tex-Mex, Cajun Creole, Bourbon, Mint Juleps, Ice Tea, Manhattans, Buffalo wings, Barbecue, Clam Chowder, and candy bars.

[CJFusco]

A very funny letter. Whoever wrote it might be right about most of the points (especially beer - it always saddens me that the most popular beers in America are the wimpiest, lamest excuses for "beer" in the world... although there seems to be a microbrew renaissance occurring now), but not American sports. Soccer? Come on. And rugby might be more "manly" than football, but it is NOT more entertaining. And comparing cricket to baseball? Is he nuts?

I always wondered where the American pronunciation for "aluminum/aluminium" came from. I mean, practically every other element has the "ium" ending - titanium, plutonium, uranium, etc.