You and the Mom need to sit down and lay some things out, well everything, not some things. You have to be on the same page, or at least appear to be on the same page as far as the kids are concerned.

Tread carefully, Moses as always is a font of wisdom on this one

Face it you ain't gonna win!!
I raised my 3 stepkids from my first marriage from when they where all under 8 yrs old until they hit adulthood. They all had the utmost respect for me. Especially my two boys. I guess since their real dad wasn't in their lives. BUT, mom still won out. We had major disagreements on discipline and other similar matters. I always felt she was way too lenient. Shed get pissed when I didn't get involved. I used to tell her "why should I bother, you'll only go against me anyway, and I come out looking like the bad guy".
A major problem was that my mother in- law lived with us and had a real bad tendency to stick her nose in everything. So I had to women to combat with.

As far as my step kids from my current marrige, well they are not kids anymore. stepsons 23 step dautghters 26. So never really had any kind of discipline issues with them. Been with them for 6 yrs. Only problem is my step-daughter usually takes my side when I fight with my wife, which only tends to pis$ her off more!:D

I imagine step kids to be something like in laws. You didn't invite them to the party but they're not going away any time soon. Safest to tread lightly but difficult to do day after day.

My wife and I always present a united front with the kids. Sometimes it goes her way, sometimes mine. Generally depends on how strongly one feels about the issue. We never discuss parenting or discipline in front of the kids. Never.

If a kid goes to one parent and gets a "NO" then sneaks around to the other parent to get a "YES", there is hell to pay. Divide and conquer is a natural reflex with kids. Can't let it happen.

Sorry, you got it wrong in your opening argument councilman.

Kids don't come before Dad.
If they do, its outa whack man.

Man, being the definitive answer of course!
Be the man of the house, everything else falls into place.

If your wife puts the kids before you, then you got some work to do straightening out that mess..... or you can just hide under the couch until the step children move out?

As you know Dueller & anybody else that has married a mother with kid’s, they are even more protective of their spawn than a normal mother. At least this is my observation. My wife was solo with her son from age 3 to 6. She was his sole protector & caregiver until I entered the picture since her ex was unreliable. This made her hyper-protective of him. The break-up also resulted in what was then called “A Difficult Child” but that is not the subject here – but I could tell you many, many tales involving teachers, principals, psychologists, psychiatrists, police etc. This heightened her protectiveness. She still is hyper-protective & he is now 23 & married (and still living with us, but that’s another story again).

You learn to accept your role & the limitations it carries. Don’t fight it because you’re not going to change it.

Ian

Excellent post Ian. All very well put!

Thanks all for your sage advice.

You know, I really don't have it that bad. My step dtrs are really good kids, but they're teenagers. In a nutshell the controversies that frustrate me the most are when they ask to do something and I can tell they're not giving us the whole story; i.e., they're being very selective with the facts. When I begin to ask then for more details to get a clear picture or when my wife and I are alone and I express my feelings that the girls are not being totally candid, I get accused of being critical or not trusting them. In every instance where I have had concerns and mom overruled my recommended action, I have been correct in my instincts. Case in point...a post prom party this weekend that I felt mom was buffaloed on. I felt so strongly that mom and I goyt into a private argument. I backed down and sure enuff we have to go pick one of them ups at the sheriff's office.

Anyways, thank goodness they won't be my problem in a few years and they can fend for themselves.

Of course they do! It's the natural order of things. Mama bear lets NO ONE hurt her cubs.

Every good mother I've ever met has a fierce protective streak regarding her kids. Best to respect it. It speaks well of a womans character.

In nature, man-woman relationships are transient. Men die, run away or go off to sea. We have been unreliable for centuries. A womans relationship with her children is different. THAT is the primal attachment. It it her children that sustain her. Don't interfere with that. Bad mojo indeed!

I'll heartily agree with that.

Ian

I don't have step kids, so I can't comment on that.

What you mention here is deception. Deception, to me, is often times worse than the act. Kids will fuch up, and that's part of it. What neither you nor your wife should tolerate is willful deception. Your wife seems to be ok with that. I know I couldn't be.

I ain't talking about women who marry losers guys?
gone off to sea, run away or die.

I'm talking about the sanctomy of marriage.
Kids DON'T come before Spouse.
That's it period; end of story.

We don't have a kid problem in our Countries
or a women problem either,
What we's got is a "Man" problem.
Buck up, be the man and the women will be the women.

I agree, happy Mom, happy Home.
Wanta see if my wife is happy........ ;)

Don't take this the wrong way Rob, but...

If you think you wife values her relationship with you more than her relationship with her children you are delusional. If she needs to step in front of a bus to save her family, does she save you first or the kids? The pain and loss that occurs when a woman is widowed is NOTHING compared to the devastation of losing a child.

Women manage to cope with rejection and abandonment by men, but NOT by their children. Again, it's the natural order of things.

My guess is your wife is very insightful and she recognizes your need to on top of her list and she does her best to let you live that fantasy. ;)

Thank you, Moses. I was going to descend into some caveman comment or other, but you said it much more eloquently.

Ian

And that sums it up. There you go, Dueller. Print this post and have a heart-to-heart with her...at a relaxing time, maybe over dinner with just hte two of you.

A question for the ages... How would Dean Martin handle a wife and stepkids?

Hey Moses and Ian, 'et all.
My post was brief and to the point, as most don't like to read long posts; present company included. I've also gone on a PPOT diet for past month or so.... so I like to keep it brief.
I'm not talking theory here boys, I've walked the talk.
We're talking about discipline issues and the wife's role in raising the children.
Talking about who would die for who is a little outa context.

Sorry, I know I was being bold; thought Due would bite the hook, but he dun't.

You go into a marriage where there's baggage, you gotta take control of the family. Be the responsible one, be the provider. Money, love, kindness, values, etc. The home needs a leader, if you ain't it, its gonna be Mom.

I've studied relationship a whole lot over my 20+ years of marriage and my wife and I have discussed our roles in raising the kids. We have adopted traditional roles based on Christian value system and our family is rock solid. My wife knows how I feel... "spoil the wife, not the children" as I say! I know how she feels, and trust me; I am first in her life, far ahead of the 5 children that we have raised together; far, far ahead. You see, we're gonna spend the rest of our lives together and the temporary little guys are gonna move out one day and leave us to our own.

Trust me; most guys wouldn't want their wives to become friends with my wife. She is my Queen and I let her know everyday. I love my kids, very much; but they would never come between my wife and I on any issue; won't happen, not in my house. There's been times when we haven't agreed to things; many times and there's been issues we've had to discuss many times to come to a resolution; 4 daughters all close to their mother, there's been many times!

It would be impossible to write out the entire theories and concepts we've adapted to raise our children; but as I stated before.... "is there a man in the house?"

+1 on that too!
100% spot on the money.

But if tarzan is off pounding sand somewhere down the Nile, then Jane is gonna make the rules. A home needs the man to make the rules and uphold them; agree on what they are and then uphold them.

Stepkids, Smeppkids. You married her; they're your kids now.
Time to learn a little abbreviation..... stepdad can be Dad. Stepkid can be kid.
Take ownership of the family, period.
Nothing is stronger than the family unit.

Thanks Moses,
That was a very kind and thoughtful post!
Cheers buddy.

My wife is a very amazing women and she is probably the most opposite that you can imagine to my personality; that's why I call her "my secret weapon". We both realize our strengths and weaknesses to the point that our relationship became her + me = 1.

Once I figured out that I didn't need to change a thing about her and that she had all the great qualities that I didn't, then I put her strenghts to work for all of us; me, the kids and the business.

I've even extended this logic into my business partnerships today; as I surround myself with like minded men that have different strengths than I do. Works like magic and it's very powerful.

To have a women like I've got and with all her love, is truly the most success I could ever ask for and it's all we've ever needed. It's a wonderful feeling knowing that you cannot fail, because we discovered what real success was many, many years ago.

I don't have anything to add, (so maybe I shouldn't), as I'm neither a step-father or father. But I will say... We're finding out who wears the pants of the families here ;)

Whatever works for you.

I don’t feel the need or desire to justify any of my ‘advice’ to Dueller. I have earned the right to offer it. Until you have “walked a mile in my shoes”, you’re just expelling hot air.

Ian