Man this is a great thread. Not to railroad this into another direction, but....any other great advice for me that is about to become a stepdad. She has 2 boys and I have 2 but will still be staying with their Mom some. As the line goes "I wish I knew now what I didn't know then".

Interesting thread. I'm a father of teens, divorced for 1 1/2 years. Great relationship with my ex. I dated a woman with older kids who were constantly calling for money, help, advice and the killer, be a grandma at 44 when her son knocked up his GF. Not just a grandma either but free everyday and many evening day care. I had to get out. Could see where this was going long term.

Just started seeing a great woman with a 9 year old. She is very protective of her son and I can tell a great Mom. Doesn't want me involved with him until there is something to this beyond infatuation. I respect that totally. If that little guy wasn't number 1 in her life I'd seriously question her character. No woman would ever be more important to me than my kids.

One of the big things is the role their bio father has in their lives. Is he involved, engaged, helping to parent them? If so, your role is different than if he's totally absent.

My biggest red flag in dating is a screwed up relationship with the ex. If that's the case I don't touch it with a 10 foot pole. You'll always be the 3rd wheel hearing non stop about what a dick the kids Dad is.

How's it go?
There's a million ways to skin a cat; so I'd imagine there's a zillion ways to raise a family.
My point is only one of a zillion and in no way represents any criticism towards anothers methods. (no offence to cat owners please! I think it's a chinese saying?)

As for you guys thinking about hooking up with a 'package deal'....
go ahead and tread lightly, but don't judge a women by her children.
children are only the product of their environment and guess what, the fact is they've probably never been around a winner like you.... so take charge of the situation and let your great character bring out the best in them!

Once you decide to take the plunge though, you gotta take full ownership of the family and full responsibility. No looking back, that's YOUR family now and YOU picked it. I've never seen a family that didn't function well with a man in the house.

Also, you must respect and even encourage a full and proper relationship with their biological parent; the guys a loser and the kids will figure it out soon enough; your house, your rules; but you must not come between them. They might have two dads now, but you're the No1 dad and the ex will now assume the No2 position; especially when its under your roof.

Bio father lives in Malibu with his heiress wife of 4 years. They talk with him a few times a month but from what I gather its pretty superficial. They visit usually for a week or so each summer and he comes back here for a few days around Xmas. The girls were pretty devastated when he moved away after promising them he would not move until after they graduated...he moved in their 9th grade year. But they're insightful kids so they've figured out the olden rule (she with the gold rules).

Wife and ex have no relationship or contact whatsoever. Neither is hostile or negative about the other...they are both reciprocally persona non gratis.

Reason I resurrected this thread is that we had a blow up last night. They are out of school for the summer but we still have a 10 p.m. curfew on weeknights unless they have specific pre-approved plans. Well one left the house about 7:30 to visit with a gf. She called at 930 and asked if she could be 30 minutes late. Mom says OK. She calls again at 1030 and wants to stay out til 1130. Mom says OK. Then its 1230. Finally she calls at 130 a.m. and says she's nearly home. Gets home at 145 a.m.

I'm pi$$ed. We were up but I see no reason for a 17 y.o. to be out that late on a weekeday night. So I use the house rule thing on her. But she justifies it by saying she was the DD for her drunk friends (which she is very conscientious about). I go nuts and dress her down pretty good. Tell her if she doesn't like the rules she can find somewhere else to live. Point out that I bought a much larger house so they could be more comfortable. Maybe she needs to find some new friends who aren't getting drunk on Tuesday nights. yadadadadada.

Needless to say it was the wrong thing and tone to say. Mom and I get into it after princess goes to bed. It escalates and is interpretted by mom that I want to put them on the street. All the while she agrees it was too late but wants to give princess kudos because of the DD thing. Turns into a shouting match. Mom gathers up princess and leaves to stay in a motel.

Mom and I sat down and discussed it this morning and she's still hot because I crawled princess' azz. I suggest that she just handle kid issues and I'll but out unless it specifically affects me. Of course that gets twisted and thrown back at me.

Sheeeesh. No soution but it helps to vent. One main lesson to remember...any time you lose your temper in an argument with a woman you will lose no matter how right you were.

feel for ya..you cannot/will not win.
the DD thing was made up , she's good already..

Rika

That being the DD is a bunch of bull****. I'm with you, she needs to find other friends.

Man, I'm sorry for what you're going through. I wasn't married but recently ended a 9 year relationship imo over "misinterpetations" of things I did/said (particularly pertaining to her two kids), so I can "sort of" relate. I have no advice to offer except to take a few deep breaths and tread carefully...a lot is at stake, but I'm sure you're well aware of that. I wish you well...I can tell your whole family is "good people". Talk to 'em...

ps: remember what it was like when we graduated :)

many great comments above.


when I lived with a female with 2 kids I became the 3rd with them. The mother was happy that the 3 of us got along.

I was a bit unorthodox at times and she never questioned anything because everything was good even if she had to clean up the mess.

When the kid cried at night I didn't go kissy kissy poo poo. I quickly dressed him and took him for a 5 min walk. Done, he slept like a rock... etc etc endless crazy stories.




Forget about being the figure of authority. That's her job. You're there to party hearty.

Man, I can't believe this girl isn't grounded for life right now. If my parents had ever found out that I was out with other people who were drinking at 17--well let's just say I wouldn't be here right now. Driving home drunk friends wouldn't earn me any kudos. It would have earned me a weekend-long interrogation about why I thought hanging out with such people was a good idea.

Here is what you have to realize: in the summer there are no weekdays, every single night is a weekend. I think a midnight curfew is reasonable (it is what I had all through high school). I agree that if I told my parents I was the DD I would have gotten my asss kicked, and probably still would. I like the pre-approval to stay out past curfew. If plans change 3/4 of the way through the night and you all the sudden need to stay out an hour past curfew it only means one thing: you are doing something you shouldn't be.

I am very happy I am 20 and no longer have a curfew. If only I could be 21

Dueller, you are an attorney right?

I seem to recall u deal in family related issues.

Think of the liability issues, a teenage driver with a car load of drunk friends (total bs btw) out till 1:45 on a Tues night WITH PERMISSION.

If anything were to happen don't think any hack attorney would have a problem winning a big fat negligence claim.

Personally I think you blew it by blowing up.

You would have been justified in pulling her driving privileges.

There is no way in any he!! that it should ever be okay for a 17 year old to be hanging out with other under ages drinkers just to be their DD. Those are not the kids I would want my kids hanging out with, not the kids I would have been comfortable hanging out with and if my mother or father had caught me doing that they both would have taken turns beating the idiot out of me and then handed me to my grandparents to finish the job.

Seriously - no pulling punches here but if you or your wife think it is okay for a kid to hang out with other drunk kids - you are seriously mistaken.

On the other hand if she's hanging out with kids who are 21 and allowed to drink it is still far from okay as they are adults and responsible for their own behavior and she is a kid and the parents are responsible for her.

Basically it boils down to the fact that your wife (and you as a parental figure but less so in your position as a non-adoptive parent) is not protecting her child by allowing her to hang out with people of age or not who are drinking.

It's like a damned after school special...

Reading this book now, geared for smaller children but trust me deals with parents more than anything.

Sort of like dog training 80% owner 20% dog. Same goes for parents.

http://www.amazon.com/Easy-Love-Difficult-Discipline-Cooperation/dp/0060007753

You asked for advise.

For someone who is not yet even 21 that statement is extremely wise.

Sorry to resurrect this thread yet again, but another blow up last night with the wife. And it escalated to a horrible fight.

Basic facts: one stepdtr is staying overnite after a concert with friend "J." Other stepdtr is having friend "L" spend the night at our house with her after concert. Stepdtr staying at home arrives on time with "J" (where other stepdtr was supposed to spend nite). We ask "J" where other step dtr is and she says "Oh she hooked up with friend "K" and is spending the night with her instead."

We immediately call (1:00 a.m.) other stepdtr and she supposedly is driving another friend home and plans to spend nite with "K." Mom says call me when you get there from land line. At 1:45 a.m. stepdtr texts mom and sqys friend "K" is not answering phone so she is spending night with friend "R." Mom says "No...come on home". Dtr then texts back and says she's already in bed at friend "R" house. Supposedly. Mom lets it go and tells her to be home before noon today.

Perhaps I shouldn't be but I'm livid this step dtr is BS'ing walking all over mom. And pi$$ed mom is allowing it to happen. This caused our argument last night.

Mom is still angry with me because I raised so much hell. But she talks to dtr this morning and dtr apologizes and assures her nothing untoward was going on. And that was enuff for mom to drop it with her with no consequences. Yet I am in the doghouse n a major way.

So I guess the key questions are: Do I have a right to be angry over this? Should I just wash my hands of the whole thing and defer to mom on these matters cutting off all comments with regard to the kids? Should mom respect my concern that she is being deceived more often than she knows? (of course when I point it out she jumps on me for trying to catch them doing something wrong).

Thanks for chiming in, Wayne. When I have tried to broach that topic in a non-judgmental way it gets turned around that I'm accusing her of not being a good parent. There are some ancilliary issues I won't go into here.

In any event, I guess I'm trying to justify my anger/frustration with the role of step dad in this mess. If I try to be authoritarian I'm accused of trying to catch them lying....If I say I'll defer to mom and not get involved I catch grief over that. I don't know I can/should stand idly by while mom is being buffaloed.