Help me help him

[juanbenae]

I need to plan an intervention, not mine but a best friend of 30 years. He is a very successful contractor, has a beautiful family and is pissing it all away. He has spoken to at least two of our circle, not really out and out asking for help but expressing how unhappy his wife is due to his drinking. He’s an alcoholic/substance abuser and has been for years. His wife was well aware as they dated and lived together for 10 years before they married but is fed up. I will not get into the “she test drove the car for 10 years before she bought it” stuff because at this point I just don’t want to see my friend like this anymore. In speaking with his other confidant in the circle he really this time seems to be reaching out for our help the best he can in our testosterone fill don’t be a puss world. I want to help and not sure how to go about it.

My fellow confidant and I have spoken at length about an “intervention” but are not sure if we get the wife involved how it will go. We expect her to approve but an outside chance that she turns it around on us and it seems we are undermining his marriage or have misconstrued his talks with us. She is a great lady, but if she thinks he won’t join in the effort or we are unsuccessful in getting him help I don’t want it mentioned every time they get in a growl from now until forever. Him not playing along and going to rehab might signal be the end of the marriage and my face is attached to it should that come to fruition.

What I am thinking is get a couple recommendations for rehab facilities from the masses here, prepare some packages of info and try to get him to discuss it with us. Offer to support in person or in spirit when we suggest that we go speak with the wife about it. Suggest ways we can help maintain his business while he’s away, inquire as to how best we help could fill the gap of his absence with his children during his treatment.

Any suggestions, insight, facility recommendations or guidance would be considered and appreciated.

T$

[trekkor]

You're a good friend to him.


KT

[Joeaksa]

Originally Posted by trekkor

You're a good friend to him.


KT

Let him know the above but also know that you, your friends and his family do not want to see him piss his life away on the bottle. Take him away for a day with friends and family, sit him down and have a talk. Tell him that you do not want to lose him...

[juanbenae]

Thanks trek, he'd do it for me.

Another bit of info, any treatment facilities would prolly need to be west coast.

T$

[jyl]

Hmm, I participated in one intervention, it was completely unsuccessful. My friend walked in, saw us all there, realized immediately what was going on. He politely but firmly told us he appreciated our concern and effort but he did not need any help, and then he left. He and his wife got divorced a year later.

I can't really make this a morality tale by saying he's so badly off, though. Somehow he got all the stock which vested a year after the divorce was final, he bought an SF apartment building, lives on a sailboat, rides a motorcycle, is basically living the affluent bachelor life, and if he is still a heavy drinker it has not caught up to him yet, not that I've seen him much since then.

Oh well.

[trekkor]

I'd like to see this turn out well.

It mostly depends on him.
I'd think a heart-felt one-on-one might be a first approach rather than sacking him.

Long drive...


KT

[charleskieffner]

if your friend is as good a friend as you say he is................then i would shove my foot up his ass, tell his wife the way things are and literally hogtie him and take him to rehab. there is no wambie pampie method kinder gentler politically correct method!

your dealing with a time bomb. boooze and dope prescribed or illegal is a bad combo. been there lived that never ever NEVER EVER AGAIN!(twice-ex and older son)

read david crosbys "LONG TIME GONE" book and count how many times he rehab"ed and then throw the dice to see if your friend comes around back to a normal life. your guess is a good as mine.

no matter how much you care, no matter how much you wanna help, no matter how much money or time spent it all depends on HIM!

a good example is a gal i know who started an employment agency here herself. hubby was a booze hound, they had numerous interventions. he continued his poor behaviour. had the BIG INTERVENTION and all the family basically said rehab or you will never see us or your grandkids! what does he do? goes home and shoots himself in the head with a .38!!!! WTF??????

i have never met a woman so strong despite this tragedy. she gave me some damn good advice during my life crap.............sooner or later it will kill you also, and you have to walk away!!!!! cold hard truth but substance abuse doesnt just effect the user. it effects everyone around in spades. ie. you will be sucked into the vortex also!

my advice..........drive him to rehab, help him anyway you can, if he continues..........WALK AWAY! because sooner or later YOU will become co-dependant. not an easy subject, not a kind retort, but it is REALITY and i have been there and i didnt like it one damn bit!

heres the ending chapter to substance abuse and it is writtian in ******* GRANITE!

1) rehab

2) jail or prison

3) death

any questions?????????

GOOD LUCK!

[on2wheels52]

I would hope there's other possible scenarios than those laid out by charles but that seems how most turn out. The individual has to WANT to change, or else rehab or whatever cure is used is doomed to fail.
Jim

[many944s]

Unfortunately, it is impossible to FORCE someone to get help. Usually the only way a habitual user/abuser will consent to anysort of rehab it once they "hit rock bottom". I know the phrase is overused, but it is the truth. Only once the person realizes all they have or possess is gone or going to leave will they really see what they are doing. not only to themselves, but to those who care about them.

Addictions are very difficult to understand. Sure, in my younger days I was no stranger to a handfull of the recreational substances: marijuana, cocaine, mushrooms, but even so I had the ability to stay away from the "more" dangerous drugs: LSD, Heroin, crack... Others I have known didn't have the luxury of self control. When I wasn't in the mood to partake I didn't. When the responsibility of a decent job came along I was able to walk away. I haven't used a hard drug in over 10 years. Sure I drink beer, smoke cigarettes when I drink and drink a crap load of caffene in iced tea, but nothing illegal.

Some very good friends of mine have recently been battling an addiction of a family member. He's 23, has 2 children: a 2 year old and a 1 year old, and a family that cares for him very much. It started with pain killers after a job site accident, when the script ran out, he turned to hot rails of cocaine, when his dealer got busted he moved on to heroin. No matter how much his family trys to get him help, he reposnds with the classic "I can handle it" or "I'm fine". He doesn't realize that he is risking loosing his kids, his family, or his life! His wife and my wife recently discussed the fact that she has to hide money from him, as it is nothing for him to blow the mortgage payment on H in a couple of days. Who knows what it will take for him to understand what he is doing? His wife of course enables the situation by staying with him. There are times that I wonder if she took the children and moved out if he would see... Then there is a part of me that thinks he would have all the free time in the world without the children and spend his entire day shooting up. There is no telling. Every addiction is different, it is caused by different triggers, and either "mellows" or "picks-up" the addict in different ways. To an outsider understanding it just isn't a possibility.

I din't mean to get that long-winded about the topic, sorry. The point is you can't get someone help (that will work in the long run) unless they want it, or understand that they need it. You are truely a good friend for trying to stick by through the problem, and seek help. Perhaps if you can get your friend to realize what they have to lose (in most cases everything) you might get that little edge you need get them usefull help.

Good luck and try to not give up!
-Nick

[sammyg2]

Wasting your time. BTDT. If he doesn't want help and hasn't asked for it he won't accept it.

Keep your distance enough so that he doesn't drag you down with him.

[Porsche-O-Phile]

I'd follow Wayne's advice and leave this to people that know/understand the problem better.

That said, I think typically a person has to (1) admit they have a problem and (2) want to fix it/get help before help will be of any benefit to them.

Sorry to hear.

[Porsche-O-Phile]

I'd follow Wayne's advice and leave this to people that know/understand the problem better.

That said, I think typically a person has to (1) admit they have a problem and (2) want to fix it/get help before help will be of any benefit to them.

Sorry to hear.