Why does personal change have to be so hard?

[HardDrive]

I'm not going to bore you with the details of what I am trying to change. Nothing exciting. Anger management.

Why does it have to so g-damn hard? Once you get into your 30s, the material we make out lives out of is damn resistant to change. Add a spouse to the mix who expects you to behave in a certain (bad) manner. When you start to have some success, she has conditioned responses that are just a difficult to change as the original problem.

There is progress, but the steps are slow and heavy.

[livi]

Maybe you could elaborate/bore us with some details anyhow? Sounds intriguing!

[rusnak]

anger and pain are the same thing. Failed expectations provide mental pain, and that's when you get angry. People who react badly to anger are people who can't handle mental pain. It's a reaction to failed expectations, which are usually unreasonable to begin with. Examine your expectations of others, and realize that you are probably starting from an unreasonable point of view of others.

There is an experiment I do with my twin nephews. I take a wooden toothpick, and tell one of them to put his hand down on the table. I poke his hand continuously and repeatedly with the toothpick. Does that hurt? "yes". Continue poking. 10 seconds later: "does that still hurt?" "Yes"... By now, he is very uncomfortable. I stop for a while. "does it stil hurt?" "yes". Now I tell him the point of the excercise. "look" I say "if you do NOTHING then the pain will go away on it's own. You don't have to do anything. Just have faith that the pain will go away, and wait for it to feel better". Then I explain the same thing is true of mental pain, or anger. But with anger, people try to eliminate that mental pain by lashing out and hurting others in order to feel better. You don't have to do that, and if you wait for your anger to go away on it's own, then you won't have to deal with what you would have done to lash out at others when you were angry.

The second point: you can't do anything to eliminate pain. Life includes pain. Life is not all about pain, but everyone has pain. You have to accept it.

[cab83_750]

Originally Posted by rusnak

......
There is an experiment I do with my twin nephews. I take a wooden toothpick, and tell one of them to put his hand down on the table. I poke his hand continuously and repeatedly with the toothpick.......

I am glad you are not my uncle. You are cruel....

[rusnak]

haha...I should add that they have both gotten kicked out of school several times for fighting. After Mark Jr. got expelled from summer school for fighting, I had to do something. I now work with them every day after school on homework and reading. I should add that I am Japanese, and in my family we can get kind of strict. No way I would have gotten away with that kind of stuff.

I think when/if I ever become a parent I'm going to make my kids shave their heads like the guy on "Kung Fu" and they'll have to pick up red hot iron pots with their bare forearms. When they can pluck the rock from my hand, they can leave the house.....

[Dottore]

Originally Posted by rusnak

I take a wooden toothpick, and tell one of them to put his hand down on the table. I poke his hand continuously and repeatedly with the toothpick. Does that hurt? "yes". Continue poking. 10 seconds later: "does that still hurt?" "Yes"... By now, he is very uncomfortable.

I will try this tonight with my wife.

[widgeon13]

What do you mean, "you can't do anything to eliminate pain"?

Why not remove the source of either emotional or physical pain. If it hurts "pain" stop doing it or emotional, remove yourself from that environment.

[rusnak]

wooden tootpick = marital aid

[cab83_750]

Harddrive,

I am no psychologist or what-have-yah. In my opinion, a person is fully developed and almost unchangeable once they are past their teens (i.e., 30s do not make it harder).

How do I manage pain? I attempt to control my environment (especially I choose the people I have around me). I do not hang around people that are:
1. 'angry at the world'
2. Never smile.
3. Cannot comprehend jokes.
4. backstabbers.
5. non-appreciative.
6. free-loader.
7. know-it-all
8. parasites

As for previous girlfriends/wife(ves), they are what they are/were. You could not change them --- AND I AM SURE THEY THINK THE SAME WAY ABOUT YOU/ME.

[kstar]

Originally Posted by rusnak

wooden tootpick = marital aid

Never heard it called that before; but not to worry, I have heard from some that size doesn't matter.

[rusnak]

Cab, that is great advice, but I think some people can change through their lives, if they have been the type of person who seeks out personal growth.

Widgeon, you can't eliminate ALL pain. And to eliminate some pain is only temporary. There is a great scene in one of my favorite movies "Wyatt Earp" with Gene Hackman and Kevin Costner. In the scene, Gene Hackman goes to bail out Kevin Costner, who is arrested after a drunken binge. Wyatt (costner) is in pain, after losing his wife, and he says "it hurts". And the father (Hackman) says "we all have pain. but we don't use it as an excuse to kill ourselves". It does not matter how rich, famous, good looking, or anything a person is. We all have pain.

I ran across a book in a used bookstore called "the new 3 minute meditator" by David Harp.

It was in an old hippie bookstore in San Luis Obispo. I do breathing and meditation with my nephew Jeffrey (Mark's brother), who is hyperactive and scatterbrained. I show him that you can block out everything that you are thinking. You can choose what your mind thinks about. You have some control over your own mind. I hope this helps him later on in life.

[nostatic]

"this too shall pass"

Give this a read:

http://www.amazon.com/Start-Where-You-Pema-Chodron/dp/0877738807

[Nathans_Dad]

You should try going from the toothpick to an icepick...THEN they could really control their anger!!

[HardDrive]

Originally Posted by rusnak

I ran across a book in a used bookstore called "the new 3 minute meditator" by David Harp.

It was in an old hippie bookstore in San Luis Obispo. I do breathing and meditation with my nephew Jeffrey (Mark's brother), who is hyperactive and scatterbrained. I show him that you can block out everything that you are thinking. You can choose what your mind thinks about. You have some control over your own mind. I hope this helps him later on in life.

I don't like foisting my views on others, so I did not mention that the main method I am using to change in Buddhism. It is successful for me, but that may not be true for all. Among the positive benefits, it has allowed me to be more aware of the root causes of my behavior, and allowed me to consciously change my habituated behavior. It works, but it requires work. The positive results keep pushing me along.

[Sonic dB]

to use a Racing analogy....if you are looking at the Walls...you are going to steer in to them.

So, the key is to focus on what you WANT rather than thinking about what you dont want. In other words, the more you think about the negatives, the more you will tend to go in that direction.

We humans, have a subconscious-level guidance system that steers us towards the result...good or bad. Most of us are conditioned to act/react in a certain way based on this guidance system...one that has been implemented into us at an early age and nurtured throughout our lives. The key to personal change and growth, is to change this guidance system to be pointed towards what we WANT.

There are several ways to do this change, as I mentioned above thinking positively on what result you want, and only that... will help, but to facilitate this you should practice visualization. Visualize yourself as already having achieved your desired result. Do this 2 times per day, 15-20 minute sessions...incorporating meditation and learning how to get yourself in a meditative state instantly is something that you can achieve with practice as well.

In your situation, visualize yourself dealing with the situations and people that make you angry, in a calm and rational manner...break those situations down in your mind that trigger the anger and diffuse them by examining them before hand and visualizing your new response to them.

Another area to improve on is the choice of words you use, both verbally and mentally. All should be positive. "cants" and "wonts" shouldnt be a part of your vocabulary. Every talk with someone and all they do is ***** and complain... are these the more successful people? usually not.

A final area that you/we should focus on is the overall quality of our lives. If you are lacking in a particular area, such as physical, mental, addictions etc....these things tend to overwhelm us and dominate or thoughts and actions. For example, a person who wants to lose 15 pounds but is a smoker? you cant have one with the other.. just not going to do it in most cases.

All of these things help to get you to control your subconscious mind...rather than the other way around. If your subscious mind is programed towards negative outcomes, you will steer into these walls every time.

[Sonic dB]

Add a spouse to the mix who expects you to behave in a certain (bad) manner. When you start to have some success, she has conditioned responses that are just a difficult to change as the original problem.

this is difficult... because we need to surround ourselves with like minded people to make positive change OR be very strong-minded and able to block those people's negative influences out. This is very hard to do because you love that person and want them to be a part of your life and experience. The only way to this this, is to have a discussion with her on what you would like to change, why you are doing it...and most importantly what she should expect to see in you, and vice versa during this process. Any rational spouse would see that you are geniune in this and not have a problem with it... if she is not rational, then there will be a problem, often unmasking deep-seated issues in your marriage anyway that really need to be worked out or left behind as the case may be.

[rusnak]

Originally Posted by HardDrive

I don't like foisting my views on others, so I did not mention that the main method I am using to change in Buddhism. It is successful for me, but that may not be true for all. Among the positive benefits, it has allowed me to be more aware of the root causes of my behavior, and allowed me to consciously change my habituated behavior. It works, but it requires work. The positive results keep pushing me along.

harddrive, you might want to stop by your local BCA temple and ask to check out some books from their library. They may have a good sensei, but I don't know. I wouldn't actually recommend talking to the sensei, because it's a hit or miss kind of thing, and you may have to depend on sheer luck to find the right person to put things into proper perspective. I was raised Buddhist and learned about Christianity and Catholicism through people who I met and helped here at home. I go and occasionally help this one person fix his 911SC, and he explains his Catholic faith to me...a great tradeoff if you ask me. What I can tell you is this: Buddhists are taught to live in the moment, to make the best of each day AT THAT MOMENT, and not to sacrifice happiness for what may be or what could have been. I have lived my entire life with the kind of positive outlook that my Christian friends say they have found with God. I have always felt that God or someone in heaven has loved me, and that helps me be strong. One other thing that might help: the Code of Bushido. My grandfather used to teach us grandsons this all the time.

[rusnak]

I forgot to add: This was recommended to me by one of my Christian friends:

http://www.amazon.com/Inspirational-Study-Bible-NKJV/dp/B000UVXHCM/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1214185338&sr=8-4

Max Lucado Inspirational Study Bible. I have also bought and given away copies to my other Christian friends, one of whom is struggling with a substance abuse problem. Yes, I do believe positive change is posible. Christians will say that they turn their life over to God. Whatever faith you follow, try to see yourself as your God sees you.

[HardDrive]

Originally Posted by rusnak

harddrive, you might want to stop by your local BCA temple and ask to check out some books from their library.

I have been studying quite seriously for the past 18 months. I have not entered the Buddhist community here. I will explore it.

I was raised by someone who was into 'New Age' religions. It didn't matter which one. A little Buddism here, a bit of reading 'rune stones' there....whatever BS they could spout try and draw attention from their violent behavior. It has made me very wary of religous organzations. I need to get past it.

[pwd72s]

Originally Posted by cab83_750

Harddrive,

I am no psychologist or what-have-yah. In my opinion, a person is fully developed and almost unchangeable once they are past their teens (i.e., 30s do not make it harder).

How do I manage pain? I attempt to control my environment (especially I choose the people I have around me). I do not hang around people that are:
1. 'angry at the world'
2. Never smile.
3. Cannot comprehend jokes.
4. backstabbers.
5. non-appreciative.
6. free-loader.
7. know-it-all
8. parasites

As for previous girlfriends/wife(ves), they are what they are/were. You could not change them --- AND I AM SURE THEY THINK THE SAME WAY ABOUT YOU/ME.

and you still post here???