my wife has a stalker.

[SLO-BOB]

I've had some experience here as well. My final word on this is get the cops involved now.

[nostatic]

Originally Posted by SLO-BOB

I've had some experience here as well. My final word on this is get the cops involved now.

so that's what it took to get you to stop?

[Jim Richards]

Why d'ya think he's called "SLO" Bob?

[legion]

Scary.

As this is a serious situation I'll skip the bravado. I'll simply say that I would not be nearly as calm as you are.

Clearly after 11 years, this guy is not giving up, as he found her again after she disappeared for a while. It's time to get the police involved and start a record. You may also want to start reviewing your home security and personal habits.

[SLO-BOB]

Originally Posted by nostatic

so that's what it took to get you to stop?

Thanks Todd.

Okay.....my second final word....for clarification...I was not the stalker.

In many cases, cops will err to the side of caution and so will an assistant DA. Everyone's getting sick of the aftermath that could have been prevented. Makes the legals look bad. A common mistake is people think that violence has to have occur or been implied to get a restraining order. Also, you don't necessarily have to follow "procedure" when dealing with a stalker and that includes answering unknown incoming calls. However, documentation is key. You need to get a print out of your wife's cell phone bills and highlight his calls. Also lists all past, uninvited contact such as home visits etc. E-mails are HUGE. After nine years you should have quite a list. Do your homework otherwise you won't be taken seriously. Remember - you don't have to prove anything, but you do have to be very clear and detailed in your accusations.

Based on Vash's statements coupled with past experience, I don't believe this guy is going to just go away.

[DarkSideDe]

I was once stalked. It was college days. The guy was a very sad case. I called the police to help. All they wanted to do was arrest him. That wasn't going to solve anything -- he needed the fear put in him.

I did go to the police station and filed a complaint against him. This way, if anything built up or happened, the police would know exactly who to look for. A girlfriend of mine called him and told him she was a social worker and that a complaint had been lodge on him at the police station. She gave him the complaint number for him to check on it himself.

A few days later, his mother called me, yelling about how nasty I was for calling the police.

I never heard from him again.

However, about a year later, I heard from his mother again. She apologized and thanked me. She hadn't realize how mentally unstable her son was, or what he was capable of doing. By the way, I'm talking of a guy in his late 20s, and no, he did not live at home. In fact, he had an apartment somewhere in the village, and gave it up to move near me in the northern corner of "da" Bronx. Sick - yes!!!

I've never heard a word since.

His type of stalking was calling day and night. Crying on the phone and not allowing me to have access to my phone because he would not disconnect. Seeing me walk across the street and coming about 1/4 of an inch from me in his BMW - close enough to look like he'd run me over, but fortunately, not close enough.

About a year later, I left the city and moved to Boston. Now I'm in the South. I've a new last name (see marriage is good for some things) and I doubt if this person would ever be in my life again...

Stalkers are no good - not on any level.

[rammstein]

9 years is a really, really long time. Think about it.

[berettafan]

I'm guessing your wife is a sweet lady who even now doesn't want to be blunt with the guy and hurt him too badly.

I'm also guessing this is what NS is looking at when he says stop ALL interaction.

Tough thing to deal with for sure.

And guys you need to stop with the 'bullet' comments. NOTHING positive can come from such a thing discussed on a public forum when those statements are made. Vash has been clear that this is not his way of dealing with this so don't muddy the waters.

[VroomGrrl]

Originally Posted by nostatic

So she actually talks to him when he calls? That is why this has continued so long. As for showing up at work, it has to be a police call then TRO. *Any* engagement or acknowledgment by her or you is taken as a "sign" that she is interested. Showing any emotion on her or your part (including crying, anger, etc) is a positive sign to him as well. It has to be totally dispassionate.

So she has been answering his emails and calls for 9 years?!? I might offer that there might be other issues at play here that need to be addressed.

A-freakin-men!

This is guy is way beyond nuts, but what little he's getting out of it by just knowing your wife sees his calls & emails would be enough to keep him going, never mind that she responds (??????!!!!). If she wanted to, your wife could block his number from her phone and all your phones, and block his emails as well. Both of these features have been available for the past 9 years.

As for showing up at her job, NINE ONE ONE.

Nine years is a long damned time to be playing this game. The fact that you posted here makes pretty clear that YOU have had enough. Your wife, I'm not so sure. Dr. Phil would ask her "how's that working for you?" If she's had enough of the game, she is going to have to do things differently than she has the past 9 years, that's for sure. Cuz that ain't workin!

[nostatic]

Originally Posted by berettafan

I'm guessing your wife is a sweet lady who even now doesn't want to be blunt with the guy and hurt him too badly.

Yeah, the problem is that women tend to have this "niceness" gene that gets expressed during times like this. Funny that it goes dormant when you're late coming home from a poker game or when you spend $10K on a transmission rebuild but that's another story.

But the inability to totally disengage on your wife's part could be more than just not wanting to hurt his feelings. Some people are "pleasers" and will avoid confrontation and saying "no" at any cost. It helps to enable stalkers like this, and also can cause all sorts of other problems. Not that I know anything about that...

[fastfredracing]

I also think that I would call him up personally, remain calm, dont raise your voice, and dont make threats. I would explain that he is causing a strain on your marriage ( whether that is true or not), and that if the calls still persist, you will file a restraining order. I am next to positive that a restraining order will include phone calls , letters, emails etc...
If it still doesnt stop, may be time to call in cousin Guido. No seriously , as much as you want to smash his face in , you have to handle situations like this carefully, or else you can end up in hot water yourself. Best of luck, sounds like a very uncomfortabel position to be in for you.

[Monza_dh]

I would have hunted this puke down a long time ago and beat his ass. First, second phone call tops and it would be over. Showing up at work?!?! WTF? He needs to know he cant get away with this shtt anymore.

If he's big and your small, find some help.

[nostatic]

Originally Posted by fastfredracing

I also think that I would call him up personally, remain calm, dont raise your voice, and dont make threats. I would explain that he is causing a strain on your marriage ( whether that is true or not), and that if the calls still persist, you will file a restraining order. I am next to positive that a restraining order will include phone calls , letters, emails etc... .

Sorry, but that won't work. It will just be taken as a positive sign on his part and in fact induce more contact. btdt.

[nostatic]

Originally Posted by Monza_dh

I would have hunted this puke down a long time ago and beat his ass. First, second phone call tops and it would be over. Showing up at work?!?! WTF? He needs to know he cant get away with this shtt anymore.

If he's big and your small, find some help.

And then he gets your butt thrown in jail for assault, and has even more incentive to keep bugging the wife.

Force is not always the answer. Depends on the question.

[vash]

thanks guys. some great advice. some funny advice. either way, it all made me feel better.

this will work out. i may release the kraken anyways. my cop brother is willing to make a few calls to a friend. i think a few uniformed SWAT members rolling into his doctor's office will work. i just need the fool's last name.

[nostatic]

be sure to film it and put it on youtube

[Heel n Toe]

Originally Posted by vash

my cop brother is willing to make a few calls to a friend. i think a few uniformed SWAT members rolling into his doctor's office will work.

[GWN7]

I dated a girl who had a bit stalker problem. She went out with the guy once and decided he was a flake. He called her again and she told him she wasn't interested and figured that was that. Then about 3 months later she started to get wierd phone calls...it would ring and no one would say anything or there would be music playing. Not every day, but once a week or so. She finally contacted the phone company and they put a trap on her line to find out who was calling (she had to make a compalint to the police before the phone company would do anything). The police, once the person was identified went to the office where he worked and in front of the receptionist told him that the phone calls would stop at once or he would be arrested next time he called. She never heard from him again.

[the]

This guy is a doctor, as in a REAL doctor, M.D. (not some fake phd "dr")??

If so, it seems there would be lots of ways to exert pressure on him to make him stop. Unlike the majority of people, he actually has a lot to lose. That is good for putting pressure on him.

For example, most professionals such as Drs. have to fill out questionaires annually for their insurance - "Have you been sued?" "Arrested?" etc.

Same for the medical board, it would not seem good for him if a police report were made about his conduct, or a lawsuit for a restraining order brought, an arrest made, or an injunction issued against him.

The thing is, like most leverage, you usually want to try to use it before carrying out the threat. Maybe in writing, a certified letter that he signs to receive, documenting it all "You've been stalking for X years, you've done X,Y,Z specifically, we've asked you to stop all contact and stay away, you continue to not do so, the next one will result in police involvement, lawsuit for an injunction and reporting your behavior to others we deem appropriate."

If he makes contact after that, he really is a nut job, and you probably do need to take some action.

[vash]

he is a medical doctor. i dont know much else.