Sibling Discord - Opinions? TIA

[ikarcuaso]

Don't want to get bogged down w/too many details, but...

We're planning a b-day gathering for my dad. I'm doing the planning/set up, and my wife, as always, has stepped up. My sister, who lives near Sacramento, is supposed to be part of it as well. Basically her and I, together, s/b the crew.

Instead of my sister showing a "I want to be there for dad and do my share" type of attitude, it's more of a "what all needs to be done, I'll see what I can do to get away" position from her. I don't want to judge whatever else she has going on, but it would be nice if we got a feeling that this was a priority to her, which it appears not.

My wife and I have each spoken to my sister about it. My wife isn't the type to beat someone over the head for them to "get it." If spelling out and arm-twisting are needed, my wife doesn't want the help.

Anyway, maybe more of a rant, but should I hit my sister over the head with a bat (which my wife would stongly disapprove), or just let it go? What would you do? Thanks for any input.

[onewhippedpuppy]

Change the day and location, don't tell her. Done deal.

[the]

No use beating her over the head with it. She is what she is, you are all adults and you can't (and shouldn't) try to change her. What would be the purpose of that? You can't, it will just frustrate you, and irritate her.

People are who they are, IMO you are better off just accepting that, and going about your business without letting her affect or impact you.

To put it back a bit more on you, you say "but it would be nice if we got a feeling that this was a priority to her, which it appears not."

WHY would that be nice, to you? I can't see how your sister's feelings about your father's birthday has any impact on YOU. Her relationship with her father is HER relationship. You can't impact that, and you shouldn't try. If dad's bday party isn't a priority to her, it isn't, and you'll never make it into one. That's her business, not yours.

If your dad's bday party is a priority to YOU (which it of course is), then just focus on pulling off the bday party. If you think your sister can help you in that endeavor, then ask her to do what you think she can do to help you. If you think she will be more trouble than it's worth, then don't ask.

[Hard-Deck]

What the said.

[stomachmonkey]

We used to have this huge xmas eve party. We'd invite like 80 people.

So we have our first child. Sis in law says she'll come out early to help out. Supposed to show up at 6 pm.

6:15 my wife is frantic, baby crying, trying to get dressed, still have set up to do etc...

"Call my sister, see where she is"

Brother in law answers, "Jen is almost finished drying her hair, we'll be on the road in 10-15 minutes"

They live 40 miles away in NYC and will be getting on the road at the tail end of rush hour.

Door bell rings, it's Matt, who could not make the party because he had somewhere else to be. Jen told him to come early and hang out then go to his thing. Shoulda been pissed about it but we put him to work so it was OK.

Sis in law shows up about 30 minutes AFTER most of the guests have already arrived.

Fast forward 3 months and we are out to dinner with the whole family. I jokingly mention that sis/bro in law are always late for evrything and cite xmas eve as an example.

Sis in law gets royally pissed off and thinks we wife and I are ingrates since they basically catered our entire party for us and reveals she has been upset with us for months for not expressing our gratitude for her helping out.

Moral: some people just don't get it. Throw your Dad a kick azz party. Set your expectations with your sister appropriately and a good time will be had by all with no hard feelings to spoil the day.

[911Rob]

Like "the" said, worry about YOU.

[vash]

take the bull by the horns. be the good child. get a bigger piece of inheritance pie.

[ikarcuaso]

Originally Posted by vash

take the bull by the horns. be the good child. get a bigger piece of inheritance pie.

lol, that's another thread

Thanks all for the input.

With my wife's siblings, in situations like this, they make it a priority, and make the effort to be there and do their share. If someone can't, you know the reason is genuine, and they are sincere about wanting to make it up the next time, even offering someone else to "sit out" the next time around.

I'm likely influenced by what I see from my wife's family. Maybe this is more about my relationship w/sis that hers with my dad. I know if it was my sister doing all the work for something for our parents, it wouldn't sit right with me. And it bothers me that my wife is doing all this work for my parents while my sister isn't doing jack.

[mattdavis11]

I feel like the bad guy sometimes. My four older brothers and I like to do something special on the big # anniversaries for my parents. Often times I get left out of the loop until everything is planned and it's time to go. Take for instance the last round. It's their 40th and my brothers casually let me know we are going out to dinner, all is good. The next thing I know, we are driving from Austin to Dallas to have dinner with my other brothers and my parents. I guess they think I deserve a free pass because my birthday happens to fall on their anniversary. Sometimes I don't think my brothers get it.

[Rikao4]

I'm sure the old guy has had his fill of..
she touched me..
he touched me first..
I want his toy..
Daddy..she 's looking at me....
throw a great party...
if they show or are late..
so what..
it's his party ..not hers

Rika

[TSNAPCRACKLEPOP]

if you hit your sister over the head with a bat, do mine too. thats what sisters are for, and it pays them back for leaving thier Jacks on the floor at night.

[ikarcuaso]

My sister just called. With the help of this thread, I basically told her "if you're able to help, that would be great. Just do what you can." I think our conversation last night had some impact. Still, if it doesn't work out, the advice here has helped me decide not to be a dick and just enjoy by dad's b-day. Thx again.

[livi]

Every man should do what he thinks is the right thing to do in any given situation and let other people do the same.

[red-beard]

At Thanksgiving, we were planning 2 surprise parties for my dad (80) and my mom (75). The day after TG was my mother's actual birthday. Somehow, my middle sister decided to go to the ballet, right when the party was going on. long story short, not only did we have to abandon the idea of a surprise party for my mother, but we had to start the party at 4PM in the afternoon, 2.5 hours before my olderest sister's husband arrived with 3 of the children.

AND my middle sister complained that the party was over by the time she and her friend returned from the ballet at 11:00 PM. This is the same sister who said I was allowed to bring my ex-girlfriend (one who cheated on me) to her wedding but I couldn't bring my current girlfriend (who ultimately became my wife!).

[KFC911]

They are sisters, therefore they are women...'nuf said .