Facebook – pitfalls and possibilities

[Nevergrowup]

First: a warning. This is long and possibly tedious…

I have mostly been lurking here these past few years. My name is Raymond, I’m 38 and I live in Norway where I have an ‘86 944 NA as a daily driver. PPOT has been a source for more or less meaningful and useful information, and is always entertaining. However, a couple of recent threads have been about Facebook, the pros and cons, and… I have a story to tell…

I met my wife in ’96, and after more than a little courtship, we moved in together that Christmas. Two years later we get our first son, Maximillian, we marry in 2000, in 2002 Felix arrives, and finally in August 2007 our little princess, Luna Soleil sees the light of day. And everything’s dandy, right? We live in a fairly large, old house with stables and horses. One or two horses are ours, and others rent space at our stables. My wife has been working in periods, but when the baby arrived she stayed at home. I got us a laptop from my work, she’s pretty useless around computers at this time, but quickly got a grip on things. In the beginning she used the net for selling and buying horses, and finding info and browsing horse forums. But last winter she found another use…

She has been known to be of the jealous type, and when Facebook was all the rage I decided that I should keep a distance from it, since the spouse never has come to terms with me being the more “experienced” one, and being jealous of my exes, few as they may be. Well, suddenly she’s signed up for something which in Norwegian translates to Net-Town, where you make a profile, connect with friends, share pictures and chat and stuff. And, naturally, this leads her to Facebook. Now, I’m a little puzzled at this, since I don’t think she’d approve of me signing up all of a sudden, but she seems to have fun, and it occupies her spare time (with a baby and horses to train and feed, that shouldn’t be much, should it?)

After a while, she has made a lot of new friends, worldwide, and this one application, Social Me, is particularly effective. In Facebook you have a profile picture, and based on this picture (or another), you’re being “tagged” by other users. There are a bunch of adjectives, like “cute”, “pretty”, “happy” etc to choose from, or you can be creative and make your own. Then you can reply, and chat and eventually make friends on Facebook. Or, as I soon found out, chat with’em on msn messenger. All of a sudden, she’s talking to guys in Australia and New Zealand, and now I’m getting more than a little annoyed.

Perhaps to douse my suspicion, or simply to free her of guilt, she makes me an account and shows me how it’s done. I reluctantly agree, and - curious as I am – I find it amusing. I get some positive remarks about my looks in the picture, and after a little while I even make some foreign friends. There’s one British girl I talk cars with, and this strange woman from Texas who has a thing for zombies, horror movies and other strange stuff – Vanessa. She’s fun to talk with, and we’re having some fun talking, but of course, nothing serious.

By now, my wife has gotten a web cam. She admits to being a little jealous of my conversations with Vanessa, but I assure her that we have never talked about something I could not have shown my wife. And that’s the truth. My wife is now online a lot of the day, while taking care of the baby. And then, after seeing the last Indiana Jones movie at the theatre, I remark the… strangeness, and vacant behaviour of hers lately, and she spills her beans… She blurbs out that she’s fallen in love with Craig, a guy from New Zealand, who loves her, and wants to move to Norway to be with her. They have talked not only online with their cameras, but also by phone. And this has been going on for some time…

I’m devastated… My wife does not love me anymore. I’ve always been scared of big changes, and hate confrontations, and this feels terrible. But after a few days, a strange calmness sinks in. So, this is how it’s gonna be… Well, to say the truth, maybe I haven’t been really happy myself these past years? I’ve always lived to the principle of keeping the people around me happy. If the wife’s happy – I’m happy. So, trying to keep her happy all these years, I’ve often kept myself from doing and living the way I really want to. Buying our house, building stables and riding court, buying and selling horses, driving to and from trainings and competitions. This was her stuff, her ideas. I mean, it was fun playing cowboy in the local forest; hat, chaps and stuff, but come on – you’re an enabler, Ray! Always trying to please...

In hindsight, maybe I could have forbidden her to use Facebook, shout at her to stop flirting with guys on the net, but I’m not that kind of guy. And maybe I saw this as the excuse to get out? An ordinary day the last year went like this: I get up at 06:15, feed and let out the horses (wife’s a B-person, and since I’m already up…), wake up our sons and make them ready. The princess wakes up about now, and I change diapers and feed her too. Then I wake the wife, and take Felix to day care, go to work, leave work, pick up Felix, buy groceries, come home and make dinner… And often my wife complains because I’m grumpy and make snappy remarks. And this is mostly because the house is a mess when I come home, so I have to do some tidying up before making dinner. Bottom line – I felt unappreciated.

OK, this was time consuming, and I guess many of you want your wasted minutes back. But now it gets amusing…

We get our separation in June (in Norway you have to be separated for a year before the divorce is final). She buys our old, small house back for way too much money. It’s next to her parents, and Craig apparently is something of a handyman (in addition to being fond of horses and breeding them), so she plans to make the house bigger at a later point. As it now is too small for two adults and three kids – that’s why we sold it in the first place. And the plan is for Craig to come to Norway.

But there are clouds in the horizon.

It’s a long trip – if you get a globe, or use google earth, you can see that it’s literally the other side of the world – and the plane tickets are expensive. So he needs cash… Does anybody’s warning bells ring? My “wife” borrows money from her brother, and sends it to him. A ballpark figure of a thousand USD… Bells, anyone?

Allegedly he buys a ticket, but cannot come until October, for some unclear reason. And then he gets sick. Hospitalized, even. And then – disappears completely. Should be clanging of bells the size of a Hyundai right now, but, no… She waits… Until September, when he suddenly appears online again – and doesn’t reply to any of her attempts to contact him. Now, she finally realises what a scam he’s been up to…

Oh, well. The irony… And what about me in all of this? Well, in August I met someone. Online. Via Facebook, and the Social Me-application which has suddenly reappeared after being gone for some time. And we really, really hit it off. In so many, many ways. And I see what kind of relationship I’ve been missing these last years. Of course we’re still in the rosy start of our relationship, but seven months in, I frankly cannot be happier.

My ex-wife has expressed regret, and a wish to start over, but I’m done. It’s not my bitterness talking, either. It was in the cards for some time. Do I feel sorry for her? Well, a little. I think she was love struck, and really liked the attention. But you make your own bed, as they say. And in the way she was always searching for new things – new horses, other houses, and then – other men, clearly indicates that she was not completely happy either.

What about the kids? When we got separated, we decided that the boys should be legally mine, and the girl my ex-wife’s, but we have them every other week, all of them. And this has worked out great.

The only problem now is that I’ve sold our old house. It was too big, and I don’t have the need for stables, and frankly cannot afford the mortgage by myself. My new girlfriend lives 135 kilometres (about 84 miles) away, and she doesn’t want to live near my ex-wife. Well, it’ll work out. She’s fantastic with my kids, and they all love her, so we’ll find a solution.

So the moral is? Hmmm… maybe that Facebook for me was a blessing in disguise? Handle with care? Well, I’ve realised that my marriage was heading towards the abyss ether way – this was just the catalyst that made it happen now, in a strange, but I hope, an entertaining way. Now, where are my car keys?

PS. Vanessa is currently in Sweden, with her fiancé, who she met… you guessed it – on Social Me…

[on2wheels52]

Nothing like a double edged sword.
I don't worry about the adults in these things but it's got to be tough on the kids. Hope things work out.
Jim

[island_dude]

Now that is an interesting adventure. It seems the internet has provided an outlet for a lot of people who have had dysfunctional relationships. I think some people have made the mistake of feeling like there is a perfect partner out there for them. The reality is that while they are getting the best of the spouses attention the other partner is dealing with all of the difficult parts.

My soon to be ex is just starting to figure out that her prince charming is not quite the ideal she thought he was.

[Rick V]

I deleted mt facebook acct. (which I set up at my wife and daughters insistence) when I had to explain every single person on my friends list, even though I had known most of them longer than my wife, some things just are not worth it.

[onewhippedpuppy]

You know, you could get a new account and have fun messing with your ex-wife........

Interesting story. You just reminded me why my wife and I don't have Facebook. It's much easier to resist temptation if you don't have it constantly dangled in front of your nose (or on your monitor).

[Rot 911]

Originally Posted by onewhippedpuppy

Interesting story. You just reminded me why my wife and I don't have Facebook. It's much easier to resist temptation if you don't have it constantly dangled in front of your nose (or on your monitor).

Ain't that the truth? I also find it interesting that your-ex only chatted with guys and you only seemed to chat with women. Maybe both of you were just looking for someone else.

[rcecale]

Originally Posted by onewhippedpuppy

You know, you could get a new account and have fun messing with your ex-wife........

I'm just sayin'...

Randy

[cmccuist]

Tragic, but that story is as old as time itself.

• Boy meets girl
• They get married
• They have adorable children
• Girl gets Facebook account
• Girl meets scumbag on-line
• Scumbag ruins everyone's life
• Scumbag moves on to next victim
• Boy meets princess on-line
• They fall in love
• Everyone lives happily ever after (except the girl)

[kstar]

Originally Posted by onewhippedpuppy

-snip-
Interesting story. You just reminded me why my wife and I don't have Facebook. It's much easier to resist temptation if you don't have it constantly dangled in front of your nose (or on your monitor).

Perhaps I am being idealistic, but knowing my spouse might be tempted to leave me or have a fling if she was simply exposed to the opportunity seems like a big problem.

I think I would prefer my spouse or girlfriend to be exposed to all kinds of temptations! Seems like a good litmus test.

FWIW.

[onewhippedpuppy]

Originally Posted by kstar

Perhaps I am being idealistic, but knowing my spouse might be tempted to leave me or have a fling if she was simply exposed to the opportunity seems like a big problem.

I think I would prefer my spouse or girlfriend to be exposed to all kinds of temptations! Seems like a good litmus test.

FWIW.

I believe the saying is, you're only as loyal as your options.

I have never worried about my wife at any point in our relationship. But I also find it stupid to participate in a site that serves only to connect people based partly on physical attributes. Would you participate on a dating site if you were married? People are stupid, people make mistakes, people are prone to flights of fancy. It's much harder to make a mistake if you don't put yourself in a situation that allows it. Why gamble with your relationship?

[Scuba Steve]

Great story, and I'm glad things worked out for the best for you! A coworker was caught in a similar scam about 4 years ago. The woman said she was from Vietnam and he sent thousands of dollars to "her" for alleged expenses and other things. Then when he ran out of money "she" was gone. We all tried telling him, all the warning signs were there but he wanted to do it anyway. I'll never understand some people.

[sand_man]

I really enjoyed your story...thanks for sharing. While it's not my place to judge, the circumstances your ex-wife found herself in (put herself in) remind me of these lyrics from the Tool song, "Sober":

...I am just a worthless liar.
I am just an imbecile.
I will only complicate you.
Trust in me and fall as well.
I will find a center in you.
I will chew it up and leave.

Trust me. Trust me. Trust me. Trust me. Trust Me...

I think taken with a pinch of salt and a stir of caution, most if it is just a harmless outlet. But it certainly can make it easier to go too far if one isn't careful.

[Z-man]

Question: when things started to get bad, did you and your ex-wife attempt to get some marriage counseling?

Just because someone thinks "the love is gone," that may not be the case. Often depression, bi-polar disorder, or even a problem with communicating with each other can lead people to believe the only way out is to end the relationship. I believe that is a wrong way to look at things.

-Z-man.

[Zeke]

I say good riddance once again. Jeez, to be up while the wife languishes in bed, take the child to care, work, pick up the kid, get groceries, cook and clean.... who needs it?

[Nevergrowup]

Well, we didn't get counceling... But we admittedly had a communications problem throughout our marriage.

She was often mad because I was grumpy and made snappy remarks - and I know I should have spoken up about a lot of things, for many years, but just kept things to myself to avoid confrontations. And I thought "As long as she's happy, I'm happy", and made myself believe that. But in the end, we have VERY different personalities.

And I don't want to sound like I'm not at fault here - things have two sides. ***** happens, but I really think it's for the best.

I agree that it's bad for the kids. But we both try to do our best to make them happy in this new situation.

But thanks for the support and kind words, guys. It was good to get this off my chest. Strange how one can confide in total strangers on the net, huh?

[Rick Lee]

Originally Posted by Rick V

I deleted mt facebook acct. (which I set up at my wife and daughters insistence) when I had to explain every single person on my friends list, even though I had known most of them longer than my wife, some things just are not worth it.

I would have put my foot down right there. None of my wife's business who all my Facebook friends are and I'd never bother explaining which one is a friend from junior high or a current business client or long lost relative. That's nuts. The only people I chat with there are friends I haven't seen in many years, usually decades. The current friends on there I see often enough in person and my wife knows them too.

[IROC]

It seems to me that you guys weren't meant to be together in the first place. If it wasn't Facebook, it would have been something else. BTDT.

Everybody deserves to be happy in life and it sounds like things are working out well for you.

[Gogar]

I stopped using Myspace, like Rick V, because I was tired of explaining WHO every single friend was to my GF. And, according to her, I was sleeping with EVERY female friend I made on Myspace. Even my buddies' wives. So I stopped using it. She loves it and is on it every two hours, talking to guys all over the country. I left.

[Schrup]

That is a sad story Raymond. My first marriage started to fall apart when I was sitting in a military doctors office with a Major that informed me I had contracted chlamydia & started grilling me about who I was cheating on my wife with. Up to that point I was naive enough to believe my wife would never cheat on me.

After exiting the office, I found her in the lobby crying. She said she had been raped by a young long haired American. We were stationed in Germany & I wanted to go to the MPs, but she insisted we don't. I also noted that after the alleged rape, her behavior hadn't changed. At that point, I determined that she was lying, but she refused to come clean. She finally told me a couple years after the divorce that she was messing around with a guy from my squadron.

I didn't divorce her because she cheated on me, I divorced her because she turned into a liar. I really believe we could have gotten past the infidelity. Bottom line, it destroyed our 2 year old daughter's world. I did everything I could over the next 16 years to make it up to her, but the damage was done.

I don't understand why my ex changed, she was not raised that way. It was the begining of a long slide into the hell that is now her life. I sued her for custody when our daughter was 12 & won, thank God. It was all very sad, but now well in my rear-view mirror. Good Luck Raymond!

[dtw]

Karma's a *****. Wow. Great story.

Paul, how's your daughter doing? Good to see you around.