Helping an alcoholic friend

[exitwound]

I'm 7 hours away from a friend I care a great deal about. She started drinking nearly a year ago when she and her husband divorced. I only recently learned of this a few weeks ago. She claims she knows she has to cut back and/or stop, but is unable to do it (or unwilling, which is more likely the case). It's killing me because she doesn't know how much in love with her I am and how helpless I feel from 400 miles away.

Anyone here have anything helpful to offer? All I can do from this distance is talk to her. The online resources are good but nearly useless due to our distance. She needs to want to stop first, but what can I do to help?

Thanks.

[Racerbvd]

She has to hit bottom before she will quit, and even then, she may start right back up. Offer to let her come spend some time with you to talk, just talk, be there, give her a shoulder to lean on, don't bang her, no matter how much you want to, until she has this problem licked.. I have dealt with this before, but not from a distance (at least for very long) so you can learn from my mistakes.....

[slodave]

I know how she feels. Like Byron says, she needs to hit bottom. In my case, I hit the bottom hard enough to go through until I found the real bottom. Get her out with her friends as much as possible, away from bars and alcohol.

[psychII]

the best you can do is offer encouragement, and maybe have her call you when she wants a drink to help get past the urge.

If she is serious in quiting, she may look at a treatment facility in her area or a support program.

But like you said, she has to want to stop.

Good luck, this is tough for the friends, family, and loved ones, as well as the individual.

[Danimal16]

What about taking her to an AA meeting? Can others comment.

Booze is like the boogy man, it waits for all of us.

[exitwound]

I'm seven hours away. I can't DO anything from here. Words only go so far. They're nearly pointless. Whether I use positive or negative tones, they get distorted into "my life sucks" and she drinks.

[Aerkuld]

To be fair I don't think you can help her until she wants to help herself. I suppose it really depends on how far she has gone so far. You say she says she knows she has to stop but they all say that. The biggest problem I think is that the alcohol becomes part of a familiar routine and seems to be the solution to all the problems where in reality it is probably the cause. If you can get her away from familiar surroundings, interrupt her routine for a few weeks, and keep her away from the bottle then you stand a chance. If you do manage this make sure she doen't return back to her familiar surroundings alone or that routine may just start right back up again.

This isn't going to be easy, especially from 400 miles away. It will frustrate the crap out of you and eat you up. It all seems so obvious to someone on the outside but there is no rational thought on the side of the person with the problem.

Best of luck and if you're going to get involved stick with it.

[Danimal16]

Originally Posted by exitwound

I'm seven hours away. I can't DO anything from here. Words only go so far. They're nearly pointless. Whether I use positive or negative tones, they get distorted into "my life sucks" and she drinks.

That sucks. Sorry to hear this. Be careful as she needs to reach down inside herself. I have dealt with sailors who had this beast kick them down and it was something that I could not help them with on an emotional level. BUT, I have seen a number of good folks beat it.

[nostatic]

If she knows she has to cut back, then she has a problem. Suggest she go to an AA meeting. She doesn't have to stop drinking, just go to a meeting.

[Schumi]

What kind of work does she do? Is she employed? See if she can get some time off this summer, and offer to fly her out to you, and have her spend a week with you. Make it a week about her, no drinking, just fun. Emphasize to her that you think she is above letting drinking get to her and that it won't solve anything or make her feel better in the long run, and that you're there and life is good.

Like Byron said, don't try to bang her. It's a week for relaxation and recovery and catching up. It will earn you mondo relationship brownie points in the end.

Maybe bang her if the mood is right though. I dunno I make horrible decisions in cases like this so stick to my first paragraph.

[Zeke]

7 hours away? Get your ass over there.

[masraum]

All I can say is good luck. I hope things work out, first for her, and then for you. She needs all the help she can get, but unfortunately, I think most of it has to come from within.

[exitwound]

The kicker is she just bought a gaming store from a good friend in the area. He wanted to sell the business and she's always wanted a gaming store to run. She opens in June. She invited me down to help her with the opening but I just enrolled in college in the fall. I can go down in the meantime though. I'm afraid if I do, I'll end up ditching college again. She's unemployed as of next week until the store opens.

I'd have to borrow a car to get down there. Those of you in the 944 forum can find my plight. I'm also unemployed so money is an issue.

I'm torn on getting myself deep into it and earning those relationship points as stated above, and letting her figure it out on her own. I don't want to see her life's dream of owning her own business fail to prove my point though.

[nostatic]

Originally Posted by exitwound

It's killing me because she doesn't know how much in love with her I am and how helpless I feel from 400 miles away.

So is this unrequited love?

I don't see a good end to this one...

[LakeCleElum]

Do everything you can right now......Read some stories on here about Drago.......Nicest guy you'd ever want to meet and now he's not longer with us.......These stories can have a very tragic ending......

[exitwound]

She knows I'm interested, but doesn't know the extent of it. It's one of those things you can't help, especially when you've been friends for a while. It just happens before you know it.

[Schumi]

Then pull out something from a John Cusack movie and just drive you ass over there and show up one night...


make sure it's raining heavily, you don't have an umbrella, and have a boom box to hold over your head to play a love song while yelling at her upstairs bedroom window.

[exitwound]

I've thought about just showing up. I'm trying to determine how'd she take it.

[techweenie]

An alcoholic is a black hole. Don't get too close, or you will be part of the vortex. Nor do you want to be her 'savior,' because that will permanently lock your relationship into adult/child mode.
Be friendly, supportive; tell her she is worthwhile and always point out what you respect about her, but keep your distance.
As Byron and Aerkuld correctly pointed out, there is a point she has to reach that will signal a 'bottom.' And you might not want to see her at that point, because you and she will always remember that particular glimpse of hell.
Very sorry to hear about your friend, but it's 100% in her hands now.

[m21sniper]

Originally Posted by exitwound

I'm 7 hours away from a friend I care a great deal about. She started drinking nearly a year ago when she and her husband divorced. I only recently learned of this a few weeks ago. She claims she knows she has to cut back and/or stop, but is unable to do it (or unwilling, which is more likely the case). It's killing me because she doesn't know how much in love with her I am and how helpless I feel from 400 miles away.

Anyone here have anything helpful to offer? All I can do from this distance is talk to her. The online resources are good but nearly useless due to our distance. She needs to want to stop first, but what can I do to help?

Honestly?

In my experience, if she doesn't want to go to rehab and won't listen to simple reason....nothing.

In fact trying to help too much becomes enabling, and is even worse than ignoring her.

Quitting is easy once you want to do it. And can be easily accomplished cold turkey. I've done so with all the following:

Alcohol (early 20s)
Cigarettes (2003 after about 20 years smoking)
Coke (age 17 when i joined the army)
Pot (fairly recently, after almost 25 years smoking)

If i can do it, anyone can. You just have to want to.