Advice: daughter, classmate, teacher

[jyl]

Wanted to get thoughts on a situation involving my daughter, a friend/classmate, and a teacher. Maybe too trivial to post about, but nothing seems too trivial for PPOT so here goes.

Cast of characters: daughter ("D"), her friend ("F"), another classmate ("C"), and her teacher ("T"). 6th grade.

D and F were playing around at lunch. D pretended to lead F around by pulling F's hair, which they apparently do to each other (I guess this is a girl form of horseplay). F was late to her regular meeting with T who also serves as advisor to F and several other kids (advisors meet with kids periodically to discuss grades, etc). When asked why she is late, F says D was pulling her hair and hurting her to make her do something. T announces to her assembled advisees that D is a bad friend and behaves badly. D is not present, has not spoken to T prior to this, is not spoken to by T about the incident in T's class that afternoon, and knows nothing about T's comments. C is in the advisee group and, that evening, she calls my wife and leaves a vmail relating T's statements. D and F chat online that night, and F writes that the pulling indeed hurt and that she "played it up" with T. F notes that she can cry on cue. D apologizes and says she thought they were just playing as usual. D goes to bed crying.

Background: D is a smart, obedient kid who is shy at school. She thinks T doesn't like her and that T plays favorites in class. D is hating T's class (though still among the best grades in the class) and I'm worried it is turning her sour on the subject (it is a very important subject, to me). T is a relatively new teacher (2nd year at the school), and teaches this subject for all middle school grades, so D will have her next year as well. F and D were best friends for two years, not quite as much lately. We know F's parents and like them, they are nice folks (both doctors).

I have a transcript of D and F's chat and of C's vmail.

What should I do, if anything?

My current plan: I've told my wife that I want a meeting on Friday with T and the head of the middle school. My goals are
(1) have T reassess her conclusion about the incident
(2) have T cease making public negative statements about kids' character/behaviour without first hearing both sides of an incident and checking with the kid's advisor
(3) repair the relationship between T and D enough for D to not hate the subject
(4) otherwise, arrange for D to not take T's class next year, and to instead take private Saturday classes on the subject.
(5) Not use the chat transcript as it was a private conversation between D and F (right now D has no problem with us monitoring her chats and emails, I'd not like to jeopardize that).

Comments, suggestions, should I just tell D to call it a life lesson and move on?

[nostatic]

Originally Posted by jyl

Comments, suggestions, should I just tell D to call it a life lesson and move on?

Monitor T/D relationship to see if there are any other issues, otherwise it is a teaching moment for you and D along the lines of:

not all teachers are fair
not all friends are friends

And tell her if she twists the hair along with pulling it will hurt more.

[m21sniper]

"Life is not fair, it's just fairer than death."

What can you do?

[onewhippedpuppy]

Originally Posted by jyl

My current plan: I've told my wife that I want a meeting on Friday with T and the head of the middle school. My goals are (1) have T reassess her conclusion about The incident (2) have T cease making public negative statements about kids' character/behaviour without first hearing both sides of an incident and checking with the kid's advisor (3) repair the relationship between T and D enough for D to not hate the subject (4) otherwise, arrange for D to not take T's class next year, and to instead take private Saturday classes on the subject. (5) Not use the chat transcript as it was a private conversation between D and F (right now D has no problem with us monitoring her chats and emails, I'd not like to jeopardize that).

Comments, suggestions, should I just tell D to call it a life lesson and move on?

2. Teacher should not be making ANY comments in regards to how good/bad of a friend a kid is. Further, a teacher should not be making any negative comments about a student in the company of other students. Her behavior is unprofessional.

3/4. You're getting carried away because your daughter doesn't like her teacher. Welcome to life. What happens if your daughter doesn't like her boss someday? She needs to learn how to tough things out, even though she doesn't like it. You're giving her an easy way out, and teaching her a bad lesson in the process.

5. None of anyone's business and should not be shared.

If your daughter pulled someone's hair and that person complained, your daughter is in the wrong. It may be BS, but don't lose sight of that fact because it's YOUR daughter. However, the teacher's behavior (public mocking of daughter) is not appropriate.

No matter how much your daughter dislikes the teacher, make her get through it. She needs to learn how to deal with people she doesn't like, and sooner rather than later.

[tabs]

Your current plan is fine....you have to have your kids back dude. She is not an adult she is a child and is being labeled by an adult. You have to nip that cr@p in the bud.

Your also going to have to set the child down and explain that life isn't always fair and that one has to stand up for oneself and ones principles. That also CYA is an important skill to develope as everybody is not going to be your friend nor be fair with you. "Behold, I send you forth as sheep in the midst of wolves: be ye therefore wise as serpents, and harmless as doves."

[stomachmonkey]

2 dude

[jyl]

Well, there have been issues between T and D all year, which is why D is hating T's class. I've ignored it, D's complaints have been subjective and I've given D the "life's tough" lecture. This is the first thing thing that I've considered doing anything about.

Quote de jyl

Comments, suggestions, should I just tell D to call it a life lesson and move on?

Monitor T/D relationship to see if there are any other issues, otherwise it is a teaching moment for you and D along the lines of:



not all teachers are fair

not all friends are friends



And tell her if she twists the hair along with pulling it will hurt more.

[the]

Take her out of that school and send her to a private school, from PPOT I've learned things like that don't happen in private schools.

[nostatic]

Originally Posted by the

Take her out of that school and send her to a private school, from PPOT I've learned things like that don't happen in private schools.

I hope you just forgot the green font.

[nostatic]

If D's grades are good in the class, I personally wouldn't rock the boat. While T's comments were inappropriate, apparently she isn't taking it out on her from a grading standpoint. Some people are just jerks...when it spills over into grading that's where I think action is required. Or of course verbal/physical abuse but this doesn't seem to rise to that level. Especially since you have to take into account C's version of what T said.

[jyl]

Ha, this is a private school.

Take her out of that school and send her to a private school, from PPOT I've learned things like that don't happen in private schools.

[look 171]

Just think of the crap you used to pull and you should have the answer. Let them fend for themself, and keep a close eye on them. They will sort it out themselves. Tallk to T if it happens again and again.

[the]

Originally Posted by jyl

Ha, this is a private school.

I know.

[the]

Originally Posted by nostatic

I hope you just forgot the green font.

I'm from a time before that was necessary.

[nostatic]

the time that land forgot?

[911Rob]

Sorry about the drama you're having.

Grade 6 eh? That's about right.
As a father of 4 daughters, all having gone through *this* period; here is what you do:
Nothing.

Listen, be sympathetic, nod your head, act concerned, love and hug BUT stay out of it. They are girls and their friends will come 'n go and their hormones will go up and down along with them. Adult involvement in these child affairs will not work.

They'll either be the best of buddies a week from now, or not; but nothing you do will help that situation out. Understand however that a problem to a child could be as big as a catastrophy to you.

$0.02 from a loving dad

[911Rob]

Originally Posted by the

Take her out of that school and send her to a private school, from PPOT I've learned things like that don't happen in private schools.

wisdom is when you learn from others. spot on.

[onewhippedpuppy]

Originally Posted by the

Take her out of that school and send her to a private school, from PPOT I've learned things like that don't happen in private schools.

Originally Posted by jyl

Ha, this is a private school.

Originally Posted by 911Rob

wisdom is when you learn from others. spot on.

Private schools can suck too (yes my kids go to one).

[jyl]

I'm not concerned about D and F, the difference between real friends and the other kind is something everyone learns the hard way.

I'm concerned about D and T. I think T is prone to favor some kids and disfavor others, and to make classes unhappy for those she disfavors.

Even that I wouldn't do anything about, except that for D to excel at, and to like, this specific subject is very important to me. I'm not concerned about D's grade, I don't want her to get an "A" while hating the subject.

Well, wife has already met with head of the middle school who is talking to both D and F, and I've emailed T that I want to meet with her tommorrow. So the ball is in motion, I just have to decide how hard to kick it.

Sitting at O'Hare trying to get home tonight, tommorrow is going to be a hectic day (just see the market this week), not thrilled that this has come up.

[turbocarrera]

So, make with the subject already.