+1,000,000

Kids or no kids I would've been long gone at this point. You are a better man than I.

Mike, her life's previous dreams, goals and aspirations are disappearing while her vision is dwindling. What was once her life as a mother, wife, daughter, as she knew and experienced it, is rapidly going away. She is losing her independence, control, power, and just normal duties through no fault of her own.

Any personal faults that she may have had prior are only now being exaggerated at this time due to the situation she is now in.

Her mind and hearing are in overdrive. Her head is in chaos at this time. Over analyzing, preoccupied with with minute and mundane things. Churning them over and over again in her minds eye. Her minds eye is the only vision that she has left.

Many of the things that she once had, did, or aspired to do or be, are now gone as the darkness envelops her.

She can feel your touch and the force with which it is given. Simple footsteps, whether stomped loudly or tread softly will be analyzed and interpreted by her minds eye. She can't see your smile, the gleam in your eye or the pride you have for her. You will have to voice those.

She can hear your voice and the inflections in it. She is more a tuned to it now and will become even more aware as her darkness progresses.

It is going to be tough.

There are two things that only you have total control of, that is your perception and attitude towards anything and everything. Those two are yours and yours only.

Hold her, talk to her in a calm, soothing voice. Reassure her. Give her massages. Treat her like you did when you first fell in love with her. That person is still there, you just can't see her right now.

I wish your family the strength, wisdom and love that it will take to get through these times.

Mike;
My prayers are with you and your family. I have not seen anyone suggest that you read
(edited) posts to your wife. This will let her know that you care enough to seek help and advice. Read to her the positive comments and responces that are being sent to you entire family. I used to spend my lunch time reading mail to a customer of mine who had lost his sight. He had full blown aids and everyone he knew had turned away from him. I was his mailman for only a year before he died. We would sit and discuss any and everything. He liked for me to describe the sky to him. Try this with your wife and have the kids help. Ask her
to describe rain clouds from her memories. I have been married 24 years. My wife suffers from severe depression/anxiaty. She recently spent an evening in the ER. this was after me returning home from my 1st day in a new position. I had to turn down the promotion and took a couple of weeks off to spend time with her. I can't fix my wife. I hate being unable to put a wrench on the problem. Patience is not a virtue I posses.
Kenny

The blindness only heightens her underlying feelings and makes them seem irrational.

+1 Tabs.

A bunch. I have always maintained that a relationship is not 50/50. One side always loves the other more. I always knew I loved her more and that love was unconditional - that was never the case with her. I guess over the years I became immune and calused (sp) to it all. What do the pop-psych folks say 'enabling'?

so true, she can pick up on the smallest of differences that we all have when we lie or are mad or how ever we are feeling. We do give off all sorts of sub-signals that go beyond the visual. I will keep that in mind.

This morning we talked on the phone - I always call the kids before they get on the bus regardless were I am. Anyways she starts in on why I didn't pick up my phone last night at 11:00 my time 10:00 Texas time. "I was out with some customers and I didn't feel my phone ring". So she starts in about what if their was an emergency or this that and the other thing. I just keep saying "Li, Li Li" (thats what I call her - short for Lisa), she says out loud so the kids can hear "Yup, Daddys yelling at Mommy again!" Yelling at her?!? "Lisa thats a freaking lie I can't beleive you!" I can hear our little girl in the background say something like "You guys aren't spose to do that!" "Lisa, please put her on the phone!" I said. "Mommy is just kidding guys, Daddy wasn't yelling..." She says to them.

WTF is wrong with you? I'm thinking. What a heck of a thing to do to the kids especially first thing in the morning!

I was able to talk to the kids and they understood that Mommy and Daddy wern't yelling at each other but Jeezus Cwist!

[QUOTE=LubeMaster77;4871209] she can pick up on the smallest of differences that we all have when we lie or are mad or how ever we are feeling. We do give off all sorts of sub-signals that go beyond the visual. QUOTE]

Wow U do understand what TABS does.

hit the buffs on a regular basis...jk

I travel a lot like you Mike, so I know how hard it can be sometimes communicating with my wife. I can only imagine how communicating with someone losing their sight would be tough. I think it would be like texting or emailing, she can't see your smile, or read your body language to know if you are joking etc.

Hang in there.

She just called and had a melt down because I took the GPS and her Mom is taking our Son to football practice tonight and doesn't know how to get there.

"relax, it's cool, he knows the way."

"thats a lot of pressure to put on a 10 yr old! Your always thinking of yourself! Didn't you once think that just maybe some else might need to use the GPS to drive the kids?"

"No problem, I will call her cell and walk her through the directiosn. Whats her cell?"

"You know it, you called her to come down, and sorry to pull you out of the bar!"

"Bar? what the heck are you talking about? Can you please try to be nice? Really. This sort of shyt is just plain unacceptable. The problem is easily solved."

"Can I go now, Emma needs to eat before her soccer practice."

"Who the heck is keeping you? Go, go feed her."

"blah blah blah blah"

"Goodbye Li, go feed Emmy, goodbye." and I hung up.

Really! JF'nC!!!

so I called her Mom and guided them in - no problem.

Time to self medicate with a scotch or two????

Or three??? And a cigar???

Mike, I've been reading about your problems the last couple of days (don't know how I missed this thread) and I really don't even know what to say. Just hang in there brother.

You know I live in Austin now, let's try to get together sometime soon. I get up your way every once in a while.

OK, so maybe I don't get lit the way some guys do but I over indulge when stressed, but I over indulge on...

http://forums.pelicanparts.com/uploa...1251851978.jpg

plus a few Drams...

You are getting abused in a big way, Mike. I'm sorry.

I'm no relationship expert, but I tried the same thing with a girl (sans blindness) for 4 years. With a 5 and 8 year old, and each child's respective father. The stories are EXACTLY the same. Here come the adultery accusations. I'm so sorry.

Yup, she accused me of that as well. I laughed and said I would love to be able to even get a chub but I have grown too cynical that it would be close to impossible but I sure do like the idea that you think I would actually be interesting to a female. Thats a compliment in my book! She didn't seem to have a response to that.

Watch your blood sugar, Mike...all I see there is carbs. Seriously, you don't need diabetes on top of your other problems!

didn't do the fries...

That's good...stick to yer meat & veggies...that'll help offset the liquid carbs...

That says a lot right there. I assume from this things were not good prior to the blindness? I was married for over 20 years in a similar situation. No verbal abuse, just lack of any real feelings. Found out at the end that she'd known since very early on she didn't love me the way I loved her. I put up with our situation way longer than I should have. Luckily my kids were older and she's a good Mom to them. She finally "let me go" when she was honest with herself about the situation. I really don't know what I'd do in your situation other than get the help that's been suggested for you to better cope, deal with, understand your situation and the impact on you and the kids.

Spend some time here.
http://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php#9
See if some of this is close.

Time to buy another GPS receiver.

+10000000000000000000000

Her behavior is utterly unacceptable. Blindness, deafness, whatever, there is no excuse for this. What her condition is revealing is that deep down inside, the core of her character is that of a *****.

Adversity brings out the true nature of people.

I have to sort some stuff out in my head. There was a time that the thought of the end of our marriage would bring me down now I consider it a viable option. I have always thought that I never needed her I only wanted her. Now thats not even the case.

I'm just tired of the shyt...

Mike,
Sorry you're going through this. Don't do anything rash. Try to get that help soon, meantime it will give you time to cool off.

Mike...I sense that writing it all out here serves a theraputic purpose for you.
So, whatever helps...

Whatever happens i think he's well beyond the doing anything rash phase.

Lubey, if you think you might enjoy about 3 1/2 minutes of comic relief, check this out:

How men and women communicate
http://videos.komando.com/2009/09/02/how-men-and-women-communicate/

Mike, do you have any idea of the stigma you're going to have to live with for the rest of your life if you leave her? The timing is not ideal, si?

Ya people will look right over the bat**** crazy and go straight to the blind. Tread very carefully.

Yup, I know that. I wouldn't stay because of my name being trashed, I will stay because she is my Wife and I made a commitment. As stupid as it may sound I want our kids to see us as a couple that will endure because that is what people should do.

At some point our children will think of us as excellent examples of how adults get past problems and take responcibility. So many people just throw in the towel and take the easy road out.

There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about how my Father took care of my Mother when she had dementia. He endure emotional torture but he kept his promise to her that they made at the alter - for better or for worse...

Sounds corny but at some point I want to beleive that doing the right thing - in this case understanding her pain and trying to make it work is far more important than skipping out when it gets impossible.

Your right Paul, this is a means for me to vent and work out some ideas and emotions. I guess that is what this PPOT is for - for us to vent, discuss, brag, question and ulitimately made form friendships that are lasting and true.

Sorry but IMHO (and that of many experts) is the old axiom "staying together for the kids" is often misguided.

I agree with it if you can truly get through this and on the other end model a loving and respectful couple to them. That's devotion and working through problems. No problem with that.

However, if you stay in a relationship where you are getting trashed regularly, Mommy and Daddy don't love or respect each other, constantly fighting and bickering, etc. you are not modeling anything good to them. You're teaching them that people fight, bicker, stay in bad relationships, etc. How do you think women learn to stay with abusers?

Best of luck!

My parents were married for 47 years before my Dad passed away. They endured a stillborn twin to my oldest sister, my brother being killed at 17YO in a car crash, raising 6 kids in total. They were not perfect but they stood by each other and with each other through everything. They even separated for a few weeks over a situation with one of my sisters.

My point is that yours is such a unique situation with the recent changes in your wife that, while it sounds like you have taken a ot of guff over the past 12 years, you still want to get through this rough period because you love your wife and want your kids to see their parents together.


My first marriage had similar issues with the crap being given but it was mostly given by me.:( I'm certainly not proud of it but that's the way it was. Now, that isn't part of me anymore.


I can't stress enough how I really think you need to get into some kind of therapy with a professional. Maybe some type of weekend retreat or something. Yeah, I know the problems cannot be resolved in one weekend but you know what I mean.

Still sending good thoughts and prayers.

I have an appt Wednesday with my Wife.

crossing my fingers...for both of you.

When is the timing ever ideal to leave your wife?

STIGMA? ARE YOU SERIOUS?

Hmmm....let's see, someone will think Ill of me, OR I will hate my life to the point no return.


Wow.

When "someone" is your family and close circle of friends, then yes, it should be something to consider.

for all that's going on in both your lives..
the ' I love you' has fallen to the wayside..
her..folks everyone one of us would freak..
how we handle it...roll your dice..
Lube and his lady may have reached the point of..
just going thru the motions & they got comfy..
then boom..
it may end badly,
but he will have tried and more..
that's all he can do..
good luck Mike..

Rika

Yeah, it's something to consider.
Also consider this, when it's gotten to this point, if you are unable to take care of yourself first, you will be unable to take care of anyone else.
I did the same thing. Worried about what people would think of me leaving my invalid wife. All the while taking the abuse, and trying to everything I could to make a household run as normally as possible. I was miserable, my career suffered, my children moved back in with their mother, step-son never wanted to be around his mother, and I took the brunt of it from her (my fault, 'cause I'm the "cool guy").
You cannot fix someone else.
In my case, it took some advice from several counsellors and group sessions to understand this. When I finally told my wife (after her attempted suicide) that we would be making plans to divide the possesions, and that she would have to figure out where she and her son were going to have to live, she decided that maybe intensive thereapy, isn't such a bad idea. In fact with in several months of steady improvement and agressive cognitave-therepy sessions, we're nearly back to where we were 12 years ago. It's been a long road, and I'm still not sure it was all worth it, but 'stigma' is that last thing you need to consider.
Hard to summarize on a message board.