+1

As the inimitable Walter Lockman said about his 30 years of marriage to a woman who didn't love him "I haven't had ten cent's worth of life! Not a dime! Believe me! And when they bury me, they can put on the gravestone, 'This was a big waste of time."

Lube,
I think we can understand what your wife is going through and what she is putting you through. Her behaviour is not acceptable. Tell her. Tell her what she's doing and what she's doing to the family. Tell her how you feel about her. With some girls throwing her on the bed and giving her a jolly good seeing to would be a good idea but you need to judge that for yourself as it could backfire big-time.

Good luck with the appointment, Lube. I hope it opens a few doors of possibilities to move forward.
What ever your ultimate choice is, I think its safe to say that you have display far more than average levels of commitment and responsibility.

how about a google map, or a real map?

I like the way you think!

lol, +1

According to her I have not help her with her blindness one bit. She thinks I have checked out. Maybe I have....

I have only read your first post and can relate...
 

When I was growing up, my mom was also very difficult in similar ways. She pushed myself and my brother away - we moved out fairly young to go to University etc. My father and her didn't get along too well and contemplated divorce several times.

A year and a half ago, mom became mentally retarded (sorry if this is not a PC term) in the timeframe of 3 days. She lost bladder control etc. It turns out that mom had a brain tumor in each of her frontal lobes and they had been there for 20 or so years based on how calcified they were. We got her on steroids which fixed things in a few days but the cancer took her in 6 months to the day from diagnosis.

Get your wife checked out - she probably isn't acting like this becasue she wants to. I hope it isn't anything as severe as my mom had but if it is and you catch it early, maybe she will have a better fate than my mom.

Forgive me for saying so, but it's probably time that you do.

I keep reading your posts Lubey, and based on her long term as well as her short term behavior, I find myself leaning toward Sniper's opinion....

Gettin' real close to check out time at the shrew motel.

angela

I don't think that giving the BLIND LADY a printout of a Google map is going to lift her spirits much, sorry. :( Yes, the kids could read it.

I read this for the 1st time a week or so ago and I was telling my wife about your plight. She said what I was thinking and I do not think I have seen mentioned here.

You both need counseling and you might be surprised who needs it more, usually the one pushing for it is in shock once they get in there and realize they are the bigger problem.

Like my wife said, there are 2 sides to every story, we have read your side, her side might read completely different.

Not trying to slam you Lubby just giving a different perspective, I do not know you other than on here, and there is no way anyone can know what is really going on in your home except you and your wife.

Jim, Thanks for being candid. Your wife is right, there are two sides to everystory and I am sure that I have not been a model husband. I crave attention, lack self discipline and can be lazy and selfish. Looking back, I know I could have done much more to help her. I don't know why I didn't. maybe I was scared, selfish, mad, frustrated but at the end of the day the problem rests with me as well.

I am starting to recognized my character flaws. The problem is, I am not sure I have to guts or smarts to straighten out.

This has been a very difficult time for sure. I can fake it well just for so long. I really am out of my wheelhouse - I have no idea what i am doing.

I think I actually need more help than her at this point.

My eldest daughter told me point blank she wants nothing to do with me and never wants to hear from me again (if you remember I went to court to defend against all the crazy bills she racked up in college) , my sister-in-law (my older brothers wife) who I like very much has leasions on her liver and cells in her lymph nodes - she had servived breast cancer back now it is back and my wife basically hates me.

It can't be all them, some if not alot is because of me. I am not a mean person nor do I ever try to hurt anyone. If anything my flaw is inactivity with certain things. I don't seem to move in the direction required for my Wife or eldest Daughter.

I just do not want to make the same mistakes with our Son or youngest Daughter.

It took me a long time to understand this and as an 'engineer', I always want the logical solution, but logic has very little to do with how the mind deals with a huge change/loss like this.

There is an emotional process that you, your wife, kids, etc have to go through to process this change. The human brain can deal with some amazingly horrible stuff, but it it has to process it all in its own way. Its very common to suppress or not process one of the stages that your mind has to go through and thus 'stop' the mental healing process. Your brain then spends an insane amount of time dealing with this 'issue' as a back process, using up your capacity to deal with regular life. The result can show it self in high stress levels from things that otherwise wouldn't be stressful, poor attention, etc.

The thing that caught my eye in reading this was telling your boy to man up and deal with it. Well... your kid is likely a little angry at how this situation is affecting his life and those around him. Anger is certainly a reasonable feeling for a kid. If he thinks that the anger is bad and cant work through it, then his brain may not process this change and it will just fester forever. These emotions are not a selfish or 'weak' thing for a kid (or you or your wife) to work through... its just how the brain works.

I once dated a girl that turned out to be a total drunken ho. However, i loved her, so tried to help. I INSISTED she go to a shrink for her drunken-sluttishness.

So she finally relents and goes after i find out about the whorishness part. After the 3rd session, she says her shrink wants to meet me. So i go, and the shrink proceeds to unload on me, accusing me of being the cause of her slutty-drunkeness to begin with.

Never mind that she was a drunk whore well before i ever started dating her. That was the last time i ever trusted a shrink to meddle in my affairs, and i will never again waste my time with one.

Shrinks are the most screwed up people around. I've never met a psych major that wasn't a nutter, and i would never, ever listen to the advice of one of those whack jobs.

Ah yes, our local long term relationship expert.:rolleyes:

Mike,
I don't think that Jim is picking on you and I hope you're not taking his comments as that. There really are no perfect people in any given relationship. Recognizing one's own contributions to dysfunction is the key to getting you focused on making you better. Don't believe that relationships that are 50 yrs along are perfect either, it's an ongoing process. That you started out without perfection and that some of those "warts" are coming up again is completely normal in this time of severe stress. It's OK to fight, fighting fair is the key and perhaps something that will be explored by a relationship expert other than the peanut gallery you've heard here.

So today she unloads on me about not moving shyt out of her way and then on how the office was a mess with my shyt on the floor. She was unloading both barrels and i said nothing. Then her Mom starts in on me - never has she donee this. I felt like I was being tagged teamed. She starts in saying that I'm not helping or understanding what she is going through, how I won;t even hold her hand to help her in the store or anything. I told her I have tried but she just pushes it aside. She didn't buy that - but its true.

My wife then starts telling me that people we know, names withheld, think I am either having an affair or have a girlfriend or that they can't beleive that I would leave her home as much as I do or that I don't show her any interest. Truth is I actually have zero interest in sex or women right now. I don't even do porn anymore. As for 'leaving' her home, well I don't have a choice in my travel. And anytime I have shown interest she has shut it down.

They wouldn't know any of that, all they know is what they think they see or what she says. Side with the poor blind women and condem the slick talking attention grabbing hubby.

If playing the vic will help her and dropping it on me will as well, then OK what ever. I know I could have done better but I'm not as bad as she thinks.

Like I say, inter faeces et urinam nascimur...

I'll admit that my longest is only 5 years...and it really lasted a year longer than it should have.

But i'm pretty sure Lube's has run it's course. Just my humble opinion, of course. Please explain the part that you think is salvageable, i'm sure Lube would love to hear it.

Lube i totally feel for you bro. You're a hero for standing in there and taking this kind of fire.

Since people that have actually had affairs can salvage their marriage, I believe that his marriage is salvageable. It's the attitude you verbalize that leads to failed marriages. There is no "course" to complete in a relationship. That's why western marriages have higher failure rates than arranged marriages from those uneducated barbarian cultures. Of course, you know better.

Rather than having such a negative view, and perseverating your "get out of Dodge" opinion, maybe you should consider hanging back and offering solely supportive statements (for Mike), eh?

Went to see a councelor tonight - no revalations. Aired a bunch of stuff for the guy. She told him that I wasn't there for her - I disagreeded. Basically she said she was done but I said I wanted to keep working it.

On the way home I asked her if there was any part of her that wanted to see this marrage work her reply "I don't see how..."

I said "Thats not an answer - its either a yes or a no"

She said told me to shut up. So I did.

Hey Mikey have you been getting my pms? I hate to be pesky...

yup - sorry for not responding. I been a bit self centered lately and only want to vent when I feel like it. No disrespect but I would rather just have a one-way conversation about this for now.

Mike,
I would think it's fairly common for one of the reactions for her (someone in her position) to lash out at all those around her, including telling you the marriage was over. You may want to ask your counselor about that. She doesn't really sound as if she has completely gotten "it" as yet. Likewise, it doesn't sound as if she is anywhere close to exiting the denial stage of grief over her own medical probs.

Keep plugging away and making sure you get to a good place. It will take a number of sessions to get to the bottom of things.

I'm not sure i believe that. In fact i know i don't believe that. I think those "saved" marriages are unions of hell...the woman never forgets, and the trust is forever gone.

Blow smoke up his butt?

Honestly, my intent was to help him by giving him an honest opinion, not to placate him. I don't really think that would be helpful.

Mike,

I know you prefer a one-way communication so please disregard my question if thats the case.

I have a difficult time following whats you and whats your wife in this thread. I was wondering, looking at yourself from her point of view, what issues of complaint against your person would you regard as objective and with some kind of substance?

Not sure my English comes out right, I hope you understand what I mean.

So how's the borderline personality disorder coming? Supportive statements does not equal blowing smoke up someone's butt. Neither does being supportive mean that you should endeavor to placate some savage beast (no one has suggested Mike is some raving lunatic).

Your opinions give some clue as to why none of your relationships have lasted more than 5 years.

LOL, man some of you guys and your personal attacks. And you want to talk about personality disorders?

The proper venue for this friendly banter is in the form of PM's...not in LM's thread.

How does your experience with a drunk whore have anything to do with the topic at hand?

Were you married? did you have kids with her?


Sometimes I think you try to start internet arguments just to argue. What you typed above is not a well thought out argument against therapy.

I personally think both of them need to keep on going, its going to be ugly at first, his wife has a lot of rage inside her that needs to be vented.

The fact that his MIL is unloading on him now is distressful to me. I think he was expecting her to take "his side" in all of this and she did not.

I feel bad for you Lube, I read, in the past, with great interest your depression thread. My wife went through a bout of this, she medicated too, but now is off of it entirely. It seemed to be a hormone imbalance with her.

All I can say is hand in there, see if the therapy helps in the next few months, then decide where you need to be.

If nothing else, my thoughts are with you. I hope this works out for the best for you.

Mike, I'm simply speechless at what's going on here. Peace and strength to you. I'm thinking of you and your family. That's about all I've got. I hope to read about things "going better" here in the near future.

I was explaining why i feel that psychiatrists are not helpful. As i clearly stated. Some others agreed with me here, by the way.

Your comments about the MIL, etc, i agree with. I'm sure it was a real kick in the nuts when she unloaded on him too.

ya, not sure what you mean.

Snipe, Jim...

This is the "Mike Show"! Its all about me, the attention whore, the guy who wants the spotlight always.

But enough about me...what about you... what do you think about me?

Lube,
My former business partner's wife had a major stroke that left her in a wheel chair, she treated, told him the same thing, just leave me alone. Well, he didn't, it hasn't been easy, but they are still together, 3 years later. you are a good man, and a strong one, help your son understand and don't give up.. You have not lost her, she just feels like she is a burden, help her regain her Independence and that should help.. It won't be easy, but nothing worth having ever is, but you can do it, for her & your son.....

Hope I'm not speaking out of place here..

well, it is official...misery loves company.

i dont know enough to make any comments, so i will just wish your family the best of luck.
good luck lubey! tough situation.

I apologize for the input. Carry on.

Last night she confrounted me concerning a divorce. Our Son overheard and i have to say, he showed incredible tact and consideration. He articulated his ideas like a master with a final statement of "you made a promise in Gods house to stay together to forever and if you break that promise then you will go to hell Mom. Simple as that. I don't wan't you to go to hell so I think we should do what we have to to stay all stay together. Now Dad, say good night to Mom, Mom, say good night to Dad and that will be that for today."

He didn't get the God stuff from us...

Mike, its often uncanny how insightful children are. More so than adults, many times.

+1000


Hang in there, Mike.

You have an awesome son.

If you call an observation a personal attack, it is what it is. We know you're always the one that is misunderstood and wronged.:rolleyes:

Now on to more important things....

Mike, Byron's friend's experience is what I am referring to when I indicated that a lot of what she is exhibiting is grief reaction. Your son's intended words will hopefully be heard by both your wife and yourself, after all, he is just repeating what you have told him, and know to be true (God or not). It will take a while.