I was in a motorcycle wreck a few years ago, and even though I was wearing all of my gear, I was decently messed up. I had to walk using a cane for about 5-6 months, couldn't lift anything heavy, couldn't move faster than a walk. Pretty minor compared to blindness, but I remember how it affected me. I'm usually laid back and slow to anger, but I was pretty irritable for the first month or so, because I felt so helpless, just because I couldn't physically do some things that I did before all the time (like drive a stickshift, for example). So although my injuries were very minor when compared to losing one's sight, I can see a little bit how she feels. It's hard to be happy when you feel helpless.

Now that being said, my thoughts on the marriage: I was married 2.5 years. Although I wasn't very happy in the marriage, I tried my hardest to make it work. I was miserable from pretty much the first day. I suggested counselling a few times, tried to talk things out with her, but she was stubborn and wouldn't work with me at all. I divorced her, and we're both much happier now. It would be great if you two could patch things up and stay together, if nothing else for your children, but sadly that may not be the case. Sometimes you can't work things out. I don't know if what I'm saying helps at all, but I figured I'd offer my view on stuff, if nothing else. I do hope things go well for all of you.

And hey, feel free to vent all you want on here! That's what this place is for!

A week later and you're still not finished?

FFS, let it go already.

Oh, and one thought: Does she play any musical instruments? Maybe learning one could help her. I'll try to dig up the link... I think this is it. A blind guy playing flamenco guitar:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LFvqmIi9Ymc&feature=related

She plays piano but hasn't in years. She should again IMO. She also has a really nice voice - sexy (when she ain't holler'n!) and I always liked hearing her sing. She hasn;t done that in a long long time.

She says she wants out so I confrounted her with it.

"OK, so we get a divorce, then what?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you have been thinking about this for a long time, you must have played this out in your head. How does this play out? What are you going to do? What happens to the kids? Do they stay with me? Do they stay with you? Do you move? Do we sell the house? Where do you think this is going to go?"

"I don't know"

I don't either...

this is good Lube...
should make her realize this is just the beginning of her journey..
she can travel alone if she chooses..
or have you by her side helping with the bumps..

many yrs ago someone said..
I'm leaving..
my response..
you walking ..
or do you want me to call a cab..

Rika

Good move.

She has no emotional boundries when she fights - no holds barred. The other night prior to our Son making his statement on the sanctity of marriage, she says "its no wonder your eldest daughter doesn't want anything to do with you, your an *********!". Of course she said that in front of our Son.

Reminds me of the statement she made while we were driving to the councelor. I had just gotten off the phone with my eldest brother whose wife has cancer again - lesions on the liver and some bones and who knows where else. "Why should I show her any sympathy, they never called to see how I am..."

Beautiful, freak'n beautiful!

One thing i always try to make sure i do with my women is never, ever say anything that cuts below the belt.

Once you say it, it can never, ever be taken back.

The things she's said to you, they can never be taken back.

"Shots downrange"

Randy

Mike three things:

1. While that last statement of your son's is very insightful, it is also a cry for help. In my opinion he sees all of this spiraling out of his control and he doesn't know what to do. It is painful to know that he has to watch all of this.

2. I feel for your wife and what she is going through. But I am now starting to wonder if she will ever come to terms with what is happening to her.

3. You just need to STFU when she starts her complaining. It serves no useful purpose and all it does is add fuel to the fire. Believe me I know what it is like when the wife goes on the rampage and she is right and you are wrong. But the argument you two are having is never going to end if you both keep at it. One of you needs to be big enough to keep your mouth shut. You can't control her, but you can control yourself.

Oh and keep venting on here.

Is that to be the rest of Lube's life?

To just STFU and take it?

No, for the sake of his son, until Mike figures out what he is going to do, he should STFU.

Fair enough. I think he already knows what he needs to do though. :(

This is key.
It's also the most difficult thing to execute.

There is no greater pressure you can exert than the pressure of silence.
Think about it. :-)

My Son has to write in his journal everyday for school. I read an entry and it broke my heart - he stated that Mommy and Dad fight and that Mommy is mean to Daddy and that Mommy feels bad she can't any more or drive.

He does like to talk to me about all sorts of stuff. I know this is on his and my little ones shoulders. Every night I tell him that if we keep working on it things can / might get better. It takes two people to fight and that it isnlt a fight if only one person is doing the fighting. I continue to keep my mouth shut and agree with most of her complaints.

Her biggest beef has been my lack of inclusion of her into the various workings of the household - so, I now request her presence when I pay bills, open mail, pretty much anything as well as letting her know whyh I am going into the garage or outside.

I almost feel as if I have a Mother again except my Mother never critisized, badgered or held me in contempt.

Lessons can be learned from a variety of places.

Once had a counterpart whose only function was to traffic stuff. Our product did not change status on a weekly, daily, hourly basis so she never really had much new to report on.

Company was going through a rough patch and she was worried she'd be laid off and was determined to prove her value to the company.

She convinced our VP that she needed more insight and he instituted a morning noon and end of day status meeting.

So I said fine knowing exactly how it would end up.

After about a week or two of the same conversations 3 times a day with no real change in status they got bored and the meetings went away.

So the point is rather than debate it I let them come to the conclusion on their own that what they were asking was a waste of time and unproductive.

With nothing left to complain about it became clear her problem was really her own insecurities.

Give her what she wants so she can figure out what the root of the problem really is.

I took the kids shopping tonight to get her something for her birthday. My Son talked me into buying him two Hot Wheels cars because he aced a math test and got a high B on a geography test - cost me $1.98. When we got home he showed her the cars and she started given me shyt about it.

"We can't be buying them stuff everytime they do well on a test!" She kept going off. I wisked the little one upstairs - past her bedtime and she was a little peeved because she didn't get anything for doing good on her tests she took last year. I told her she would be handsomely rewarded for her hard work as well. She is looking forward to her spelling test this Friday which she will ace for sure. As she went to sleep I went to my Son in his room. He had the cars still in the packages, sitting on his bed looking at them.

"Whats up dude?" I said

"Nut'n..." he said looking down.

"Somethings wrong, whats the matter?"

"When you were with Emma, Mom told me I don't deserve these, she says that your trying to buy my love and that the only thing she is ever gonna give me is a hug or a high five for doing good. Dad, she didn't even give me a hug..." He had tears in his eyes.

"Well buddy, I think you deserved them then some. I'm proud of you for doing well and personally, I see nothing wrong with a reward for work well done."

"Why is she like that dad?"

"She's angry inside and is just not dealing well with it. We have to keep talking to each other about it. Remember, it takes two to fight. She is going say stuff that might hurt us but deep down I don't think she feels that way. She is just not thinking about what she is saying right now. Hay, for what it's worth, I can give hugs as well..."

With that he gave me a big hug that lasted for a few minutes.

"Dad, your not as squishy as Mommy and you don't smell as good but you give great Dad hugs."

Thanks buddy. You give great Son hugs.

Wow Mike that has got to be the roughest part. Makes me hurt to just read how bad your son is hurting.


Stay strong and have lots of good times with the kids. Try to keep them and you in a good mood.

Geez, Mike. Unless you find an amazing therapist, I think you need to stick a fork in it.


That said, I don't know you, your wonderful wife, or your kids; and this in an internet forum, so this opinion isn't even worth the paper it's printed on.

Damn, that brought a tear to my eye just reading it. I can personally take a lot, but I would not tolerate my wife intentionally hurting my kids.

wow that is tear jerking stuff.

That was exactly my thought. I think it shows amazing restraint to stand there and let her destroy not only herself, but Mike and (worst of all) their children. I'm still trying to figure out whether restraint in the face of such damaging and unjustified attacks is (1) a classy move indicative of a true gentleman or (2) letting oneself be a doormat.

I don't know if I could stand there and let her attack my children like that. I have to admit, I'd be sorely tempted to just quietly walk out, take the kids with me and drive to a hotel, figure out how to start our new lives (without her) after that. She obviously doesn't want anyone else in her life right now - my inclination would be to let her stew in her own juices and stop poisoning me or the kids by removing ourselves from the situation - permanently if necessary.

btw MC D's has hotwheels (and some sorta princess thing for girls) happy meals now. might make a nice family pit stop.

are there any family games that can be played without sight? like something you can feel your way through?


and btw, i don't think you should ever let your kids live in a hotel. not even for a night. if you're gonna do it do it right and be committed to it.

I meant just to get them out of the situation. I could seriously see myself quietly getting up from the couch, getting the kid(s) and walking out. Just like that. And I'm pretty old-fashioned with respect to my views on marriage (I don't believe in divorce). I would definitely see walking out and/or separating permanently as acceptable in the kind of situation Mike's describing though.

Sometimes "turning the other cheek" only gives you bruises on both sides of your face. I suspect some time apart might be beneficial. If his wife really doesn't want anyone else around (as she says), I'd grant the wish and never say another word in two weeks when she was calling up begging us to come back.

Just sayin'... I see little gain/benefit in keeping yourself (and the kids) in a situation where you're just being used as emotional punching bags 24/7.

well i'm thinking one of the most important things he can do for the kids is provide stability.

you can feel the love on his part, but the stability is something that i think is similarly important. he's bouncing around in his head about what to do but the kids don't see it. hotel now, home next week then back to hotel then rental apt then.....well the kids have to see that and i think it would be tough on them.

Restraint, is that the word for it?

It takes amazing something to put himself and his kids through this, that's for sure.

after that ..
I would be gone..
like Jeff..I don't walk away easily..
she can get help...
or she can be alone..
preperation for this blindness,
I know ..easy to type and say..
think that's were it all started to unravel..
she cannot see the hurt she is causing..
she will hear the door closing..
sorry Lube..
I don't think this will end well..
save your kids and find some peace..
down the line perhaps..

Rika

Brought a tear to my eye as well.

I certainly don't know you or your wife. I know she's dealing with a lot but her behavior is way over the top even for someone who's been dealt a really crappy hand.

Do you have any family around on your side you could go stay with? I think you need to get you and yourself out of there. Your son sounds amazingly mature but they are too young to really process this.

Been staying out of this one, as I know this is mostly for you to vent. That last report was tough to read. Heartwarming but also heartbreaking.

Mike, it is noble that you are trying to rally the kids through this and teach them lessons about honor, loyalty, and compassion.

That said, they're too young. This situation is going to leave some lasting scars. If she wants to use you as her scratching post, that's your call if you want to put up with it. You're a big boy. The abuse of the kids has to stop, and immediately.

I think that word needs to be underscored...

Child Abuse

What she's doing is arguably more damaging than physical abuse. Children need unconditional, unwavering love from their parents in order to thrive. They may be showing you a brave face, but this is eating them up inside.

I don't have any advice for you on how to put this right, and I do admire your determination. I just know that the child abuse must end, but quick.

Wow.

Start recording her outbursts and take them along to the next therapy session. It should give the counselor some different insight as to what is truly going on.

Your wife is on a emotional rollercoaster, which at this time only seems to be going down.

Best wishes,

Over the internets, not knowning you personally, it is impossible for me to offer real advice. But her bringing the children down is the highest infraction possible.

Basically, it comes down to if you think they would be better off sticking it out or leaving with you. I feel for you buddy. You've always come off as a good dad over the internets.

That is an excellent idea. Besides, how would she ever know if she was being videotaped? Set up a digital recorder in the room and let it go. It's also great evidence for any fight later, should it come to that. Hopefully it wouldn't. I would show the recordings to the therapist privately, so he/she is aware of what's really going on but at the same time, with the caveat that they do not mention them. This way the wife has no knowledge that the recordings exist. It's better that she not know. In the short-term, she would view it as a violation of trust. In the long-term, the element of surprise is always good.

My guess is the reason Mike is sticking around and sticking by her at this point is that he realizes that she could be "made better" if the therapist can convince her of the fact that 1) she and Mike need to keep coming to therapy and 2) a lot of her instability could be from a combination of menopause or premenopause and a chemical imbalance... and she should be willing to give meds a chance.

Mike, nobody is gonna say you gave up on her easily. If she absolutely refuses to continue therapy and to try meds after y'all go to therapy a few more times, you are probably at a point where you need to consider separating. At least for awhile.
Maybe she could go stay with someone in her family for a few weeks. If she had a few emotional outbursts with them, perhaps one of them could convince her that she may need to consider meds.

Thing is, it's not about her anymore. It's about Mike, and his mental well being. I'f mike's not taking care of Mike, Mike can't take care of anybody, as much as he wants to, or thinks he is.
One tactic would be to work out the details of the divorce and present it to her. Two things can happen. She goes along with it or it snaps her into reality mode.
Either way, something has to give. It shouldn't be those who can't make the choices themselves.
Your kids don't have much more time before this has long-lasting emotional effects (if it already hasn't).
I have been here.

As I read through this, I begin to wonder if there may not be more involved from the medical perspective. There are several retinitis pigmintosa syndromes associated with psychoses- including progressive "rage." Has you're wife's hearing been tested? If there is also a hearing deficit, the association would be much stronger.

If this is the case, I'm afraid you are fighting a losing battle, but at least you'll know what it is.

Charles

Good point, as well as several eye medications that can cause the appearance of 'roid rage.

But be prepared to finish this.

Charles, the women has the ears of a bat.

Snipe - I get the sense that you think I am a pussy for standing for this. Maybe I am. Its a bit more complicated. Today is her birsthday and I guess I didn;t want a repeat of every holiday we have had in the past year or so - always drama. I just wanted to have one desent holiday.

Leaving or kicking her out would actually be very easy except there is more to it. Fist off I work and the kids have various activities. I think I could figuer out a logistical solution while I am in town but what about when I am not? I travel almost every other week for work. I might only be gone two to four days each trip but what of the kids during that time? If I could have a family member step up, move in and help I would. There just isn't anyone available to do so. That is the major stumbling block...

Dude, just do your best and you'll figure it out, come what may.

The rest of us are mere observers. You're a good man, Mike.

quick re-action,,
is not always the best course of action..
you a putty ..
far from it..
a twat would have left last yr..

Rika