we are hitting 21 years in a few days. one thing i realized years ago was that we were treating and talking to our freinds better than we talked to each other. we no longer do that. just one of many revelations that has made a difference over the years.

get her involved in soemthing. church is always a good place. it helped save our marriage back in the late 90's. we still go, bit we are just not as involved. i was spending about 20 hours a week there. i played guitar in the band and got burned out playing 3 times a week, with a double service on sunday.

i dont know your whole story, but it sounds like if something does not change, she is going to lose her family. once it gets to that place it is almost too late. that reality made me want to change habits and work harder at staying married.

our new marriage test, my mom is moving in.......yeah:confused:

i have always siad if you want to test a marriage, buy a business, i may have a new saying.

Mike, I fear that if you don't seek some form of help this situation might reach a boiling point. I admire your strength, but there's only so much one man can take. If you want this marriage and your family to have a future, you need to act. This situation is not going to resolve itself.

Also, as the others said, you have to put your kids first. This is a horrible situation for them, they deserve better.

I strongly agree with all of the advice for you to get some professional help without your wife to start.

What she is doing to your kids and you right now is not right no matter what her issues are. She is faced with a terrible situation but she needs to understand how her behavior over the long term will impact you and especially the kids. If she can't do that you need to remove them from the situation. A man is supposed to be loyal, I get that. But loyalty is misguided if over the long term she can't face her situation and change her behavior. You have to protect yourself and your children at some point from this abuse.

I speak from experience when i say, no it doesn't.

In my own experience with shrinks they do more harm than good. Seriously. (Is it me or are psych types the most F'ed up people walking this green earth?)

ALL WOMEN ARE NUTS. This explains the sisters actions.

This is tough Lubey. I love what you said to your son...but then i read comments like tabs offered suggesting you don't need to put up with it and i think "yeah, that's right!".

perhaps the answer is in between?

It is NOT you. I should tell you about my psychologist relatives, coworkers, and schoolmates sometime. I seem to meet a lot of them, somehow. :confused: They are all crazy.

However--there are people who have dealt with these types of situations in the past. Lubey can probably benefit from some advice, and I know that his wife could benefit from an objective 3rd party's input.

So I had to fly to Ohio then Utah this week. Before I took off this AM we had a reasonable chat - started at with her getting pissed that I was paying bills on-line with out her. She feels she is not involved in the household. OK, I get that and it is nothing new and I guess I do have some sort of ******* gene in me that just goes ahead and pays the bills with out letting her know even though she wants to know. I guess she is right, it is a control thing or something.

She asked me why after countless requests to get her involved in bill paying I still won't. "I guess I don't because I am pretty upset over the way you have treated me over these years and I don't seem to want to do what you want me to do."

"You weren't there for me when the eye doctor told me I couldn't/shouldn't drive anymore. The only thing you could say to me on the ride home was 'you do understand that you are not going to drive any more right', not 'don't worry, everything will be OK'.

"Yup, I was an ******* and careless and there is no excuse. I was pretty upset as well and I guess I didn't handle as well as I should have. But if you want to bring up the past how many time in the past 10 years have you said you want out? Or better yet, how about you telling me I wish I would die on the operating table when I went in for surgery on my eye. Lets now pull **** from the past."

"What do you want from me?" she said.

"Just be nice - fake it if you have too. Thats all I want. I don't want anything else and I swear things will go so so much better. This constant critical yapping and the snide remarks and the overall negetivity over the years has taken its toll."

"And just to let you know, you calling my Mom and asking her to come down tells me you have checked out. That was the worst thing you could have ever done. Who do you think my family is gonna side with you or their blind daughter? You just sent a signel to my family that you can;t handle it and you don't want to."

"OK, but I don't agree, I called your Mom because I think her daughter needs her now and yes I don;t know what to do. You have me scared shytless. Do I think your family will think differently? Maybe but what ever they think is what they think. How are they gonna feel when you show up on the door step because you want out of theis marrage and have no place to go?"

"Well I am going to leave."

"No your not"

"Yes! See your being a controlling *******! This is why I hate you!!!"

"Controlling? I call Bullshyt on that. I have never ever told you what to do or how to do it. I have never placed restrictions on you. Ever. I have never demanded anything from you. I don't want you to leave because I love you and I think that your place is with your kids who love you and you have a responcibility as do I to be with them...but not like this which is why I really think we need counseling."

After much 'discussion' she has agreed to talk to someone but I have to go first. No problem.

Mike, glad to hear it came out again and she was at least willing to consider it. Good luck.

Wow! That is incredible progress! You're not out of the woods, but it sure looks like you have a very strong light shining on the exit. :)

Mike...wishing you the best. Damned tough situation.

Stick with it Mike, progress is a slow process, no matter what Fitty cts says

Glad to hear you guys took on the issue and talked about it.


Wishing you the best with everything.

It sounds like there were some pretty heavy-duty underlying issues in the relationship that weren't being addressed to begin with and the loss of eyesight coupled with feeling like she's being left out and the understandable initial self pity have made the situation that much worse.

Threatening to leave (multiple times), asking if you really think her family will side with you or their 'blind daughter' and telling you she hates you certainly make it seem like she has already checked out and doesn't want to do the work or doesn't feel it's worth the work.

How much of the 12 years has consisted of snide comments, negativity and comments like wishing you dead on the operating table have you endured?

I can't imagine the difficulty of the situation, but in my opinion, start protecting your assets. Regardless of her situation, there seems to be absolutely no consideration of your point of view, or logic for that matter.
I can understand that in the situation a woman could be a little scared and selfish, but it appears that she is affecting the children as well, which for me would be a deal breaker.

Good luck, sir. I hope this is the beginning of a turn-around for you guys. Thoughts and prayers are with you and the family.

Has your wife started to learn the adaptations and skills that blind people use? Braille, guide dog, re-organizing house, etc?

I would think that going blind in middle age is something that it could take many years to adapt to. If I remember right, your wife lost her sight within the past year.

It's this line that scares me. She no longer sees you as a team, it's her against you.

Mike, you've gotta be one of the most patient men I know. After reading your last post I'm not sure how you can take it. Hoping you would die in surgery? Wow.

Sounds like she has some of the indications of borderline personality disorder. This isn't all about the loss of sight, obviously...