Any reluctant fathers out there?
 

I'm just trying to get my head strait on this and want a little advice. I'm in my mid thirties and got married to a fantastic woman about a year ago. I knew when I popped the question that she wanted children but I have always been a little ambivalent about the thought of having children. I understand what it means to my wife so I'm willing to give it a shot but I will admit I am nervous about it. I've heard people say that they don't like any children but their own but this isn't really something you can test the waters on, it is all or nothing.

Was anyone else in a similar situation to myself that now has children? How did it work out for you?

I was 36 when I got married for the first time. My wife talked me into children, and boy what a ride we have been on. No regrets and would do it again.

You know how much you love and adore your wife....X10 the love you will have for your child.

Was absolutely petrified at the thought of having children.

Could not wrap my head around it.

We had my daughter when I was 36.

Now I'm pissed that I did not have them earlier.

My children are absofrickinlutely the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Other peoples kids are just like other people, some are cool, some are not.

You will do stuff for your kids that you would not do for anyone else on the planet or for all the money in the world.

Your kids are the best people you'll ever know.

I was also 36 when we had my son. My first marriage was not very good. No kids, thank goodness but not very healthy for either one of us.

My second wife is who I would choose if I had to do it all over again. I jumped in with both feet to have our first child, gung ho to be a Dad. When my son was born I knew our life together would never be the same.

When my wife started wanting another I kind of freaked out. I was perfectly happy with one and life was good.

One thing lead to another(;)) and we had our daughter. A girl? WTH am I supposed to do to raise a girl!? Boys? Sure. Girls are a totally different creature!!!




I can tell you now that my son is 6 and my daughter is 3 that they bring us more joy than people should be allowed. Sure, they are monsters some days but when my little girl looks at me and says, "Daddy, I love you.", or when my son wants to wear a shirt because "it's like yours, Dad.", it just melts my heart.

When I was laid off and having a rough time my wife told me that they loved me no matter what I did for a living, it really put everything in perspective.

My advice? If you and your wife are truly happy, adding a child will only bring you more happiness. If you aren't, then you might want to wait a little while.

36 isn't too old to become a father.


BTW-The entire time I was typing my reply both of the kids were jumping on my son's bed............gotta love the nightlife in our house!!!!!:)

Take my advice...been there...It's a thing that you can't regret...really...so go ahead.

46 here, never had kids, never wanted them,

maybe as a 'rent a kid" would be cool for a couple hours a couple times a year, but then time to lock them back in the closet.

If you want a pet, keep it on a leash. The other night in a fine resteraunt watching a parent chase their kid all over the place seemed sooooo cute to THEM as it was a keep-away game, I wanted to stick my foot out and trip the bugger as he came running past screaming his lungs out when others are trying to eat.

Same thing on an airplane. They should carry duct tape to cover the mouth of any kid under 6 years old. SHUT YOUR KIDS UP, I don't want to hear Johnny screaming in the seat behind me for 6 hours and 3000 miles later. I now know why they don't allow guns on airplanes after a 12 hour flight from LAX to New Zealand. I could of murdered very easily and would of gotten a round of applause from people around me.......

PARENTS, discipline your screaming out of control kids! When I was growing up you'd get a leather belt across your butt if you misbehaved, now you get a "time out" in the corner or "mommy will buy you a toy later"

Honestly I don't mean to sound harsh or like a grumpy old frump, some kids ARE so way cool, and other people honestly shouldn't be allowed to breed.

I fear for our future society when the lazy Gen X starts to breed, we're doomed.

When the baby comes and he/she NEEDS you for everything you will be surprised what lengths you will go to to provide for him/her. There is nothing more satisfying in life than to see your child go from a pink and bruised lump of screaming newborn to an little person (it probably ends at about the age of 10!) . I am amazed every day by my 18 month old who seems to have so much of me in him that it's scary. I will never understand why parents would not adore their child who is so needy of love and affection from them.

I had my first at the age of 37 and I am glad I didn't have a baby sooner in life. I would not have been as prepared....

Dave,

It's a good thing you don't have kids.

I do agree with you on kids misbehaving in public places. i will not let others be disturbed by my kids if I can do anything about it.

We have left stores with the kids under arm when they acted up. It's tough, though.

I tend to lean toward the side of removing them and giving up whatever it is thaat I wanted versus trying to calm them down instore/restaurant.

Having kids is not for everyone, nor should it be.

I got married at 34 and was ready to start a family. It has been a wonderful, vexing ride, one I would gladly take again.

Talk to your wife, let her know your doubts. I was not a particularly good father during the "infant" stage of my kids...I just didn't get it. But we talked about it, made compromises and made it work.

Kids require parents: make sure you both are ready, which requires constant communication.

Good luck.

Reluctant fatherhood?....yeah....been there done that!

Fortunately; when the pregnancy test was returned +; there wasn't a whole lot we could do about it! Abortion was never discussed.

I, like most other first time fathers, went through the whole 'what kind of father will i be?...am i ready for this?, personal dilemma.
My worries were unfounded. I guess i just needed to find my footings in the grand scheme.

It's remarkable how the old cliche's ring true.

My boys are 21 & 17 now. They are also my best friends. I enjoy a close relationship with both of them. I'm reaping the benifits of the social seeds i planted all those years ago. I really does seem like yesterday!

I say....grab hold of fatherhood with both hands & hang on tight. It's a great trip.
Set some ground rules with the mrs.....maybe even before the baby is born.
My wife & i decided on the dicipline strategy before conception. I was to play the role of 'bad cop'. We decided that the kids would only be diciplined [smacked] if they endangered their life or the life of others. It seemed to have worked out well, i have never had cause to smack either of my children. NEVER! Not even when master 4 drove our car through our garage door. [fond memories of that!] hehehe

We were going to have another child, but it was a 50/50 gamble that it might be a girl. We couldn't take that risk! haha
I think i would have been the worlds worst overprotective father had we conceived again with a girl.

Go for it willtel......enjoy every last minute of it.....'cause they really do grow up soooo quickly.

Having children changes your life.

There are "pre-kid" activities that become harder to do with the new demands on your time. But they are not impossible - pick the ones that are important to you and make time for them, and you won't miss the rest.

There are "post-kid" activities that will be totally new to you. A few of them are not prizes - diapers, crying, etc. Some of them are tiring. But many of them will be so interesting, rewarding and, yes, fun, that you'll wish you'd started sooner.

What happens next depends a lot on what the kid(s) is like, which is partly up to luck/genetics, but in large part up to you. Some people have fussy, whiny, crying kids. Others have happy, respectful, enjoyable kids. You can usually trace that back to how the parents raised the child - or didn't raise the child. When you need child-rearing advice, I'm sure there'll be plenty here.

I'm really enjoying watching my kids grow up. Every week they are grasping new concepts and surprising me with their observations and insights.

But one thing I never anticipated is how, with each year, I miss the child of last year. Being a kid is a wonderful and fleeting thing. My daughter at 14 y/o is a joy, but I also miss my daughter when she was 4 y/o, 6 y/o, etc. So do prize every day with your kids, if you have kids, because those days will not come again.

Ho...and don't forget...they don't come with a warranty....you can't return'em.....!

Timely thread. I'm 45 years old. I have a 19 year-old son and a 5 year-old daughter and my wife is pregnant and going to be induced tomorrow.

Kids are great. I don't know anyone who ever regretted having kids.

I didn't realize how entertaining my kid would be. Cracks me up everyday.

Dude, I think EVERY father is reluctant. It's some scary stuff to contemplate...

It's one of those things where if you keep waiting for it to feel like 'the right time' you might wait too long. As someone said above, I waited untill I was 34, and now I'm bummed that I waited so long.

It's the hardest thing you'll ever do. It puts a strain on your marraige, finances, mental health, etc... ...but it's totally worth it!!!

http://forums.pelicanparts.com/uploa...1255565357.jpghttp://forums.pelicanparts.com/uploa...1255565372.jpg

I wanted to stick my foot out and trip the bugger as he came running past screaming his lungs out when others are trying to eat.

I want to clothesline the little f*ckers zipping around the supermarket on wheelies...

I didn't mean to come across as a grumpy old fart in my first thread, and I know that's how 95% of you took it.

Back to the original post and the intent.

you're in your mid 30's, are you ready to still have kids in the house and putting them through college in your mid-late 50's and into your 60's?

Are you ready to be strapped down financially taking care of kids till they're 18?

And as the prior couple posters said before this, NO they don't come with a Warrenty, and I personally know SEVERAL people who wish they hadn't had kids.

They don't all come out of the oven perfect skin blue eyes and blonde hair.

Of 3 or 4 couples I know that I'd call close friends, all their kids have major mental/physical defects.

One child was born blind, 10% vision.

Another couples kid is seriously physically deformed, grunts or can't talk and will never walk nor use his hand, everywhere he goes is in a push cart that the parents have to give 110% of their time day and night, in the bathroom and shower and everywhere.

One other couple has to give their kids 12-15 different pills a day to keep mental issues in check, Same kid 17 year old girl has been pregnant twice, and wrecked at least 2 - 3 cars a year. They have to keep locks on the fridge and food cabinets and the parents lock their own bedroom door at night. Kids keep saying they hear voices and see shadows. Kicked out of several schools and bascially have no social skills and will never hold a normal job.

Downs Syndrome, maybe MS, mental / physical deformities, financial challenges, and other sacrifices.........yup, parenting is something to go into with your eyes wide open.

So............be ready for what-ever comes out of the womb. Could be heathy and fine, could be your worse nightmare that is in your care and responsibility for the next 18 years or the rest of your life.

Sure why not, roll the dice and see what happens. I often wish we would of had kids 20 years ago when I married my wife, but if you're in your mid 30's or like me in my mid 40's, no way I want to be going to a high school graduation when I'm in my 60's.

Just some things to think about, it's a no guaruntee situation.

I want to clothesline the little f*ckers zipping around the supermarket on wheelies...[/QUOTE]



+10000!!!!

If you "wait until you're ready", then you'll never do it.

There is no good time to have kids.

I never wanted kids. Accidents happen. The first 6 or 7 years were often sheer misery. Now almost 13 years in it still is tiring and I have a tough time.

He is the most important person in my world. Changed my life for the better and I wouldn't be where I am today if not for what I learned from him.

http://nostatic.com/photos/contemplate.jpg

http://nostatic.com/photos/listening.jpg

And yes, sometimes things don't go right. That's life.

http://nostatic.com/photos/chospital2.jpg

If you're too much of a wimp to go through with it, call me, I'll take care of her. ;)

I'm in the exact same situation: married a year, mid thirties etc.

However, some of my brothers jumped into parenthood about 2-3 years ago, so their kids are getting to the age where I'm finding them really friggin' entertaining (although I'm sure they are becoming equally difficult to manage for the parents). I was sold.

Now I'm dealing with a hormonal wife with morning sickness... :D

Having children is much like performing the act that put you in that position.

You might be a little exhausted, but it's beyond worth it, and you'd happily do it again.

You guys need to clothesline the parents... Kids do what they are ALLOWED to do. (and then some).

I was in the same situation for a few years - wife wanted kids, I didn't yet, eventually I felt ready, or at least as close to being ready as you can be. Wish we'd done it earlier, though I understand that part of the reason why I love being a dad so much is that I was ready for it and didn't rush it. We've got 2 girls now, 3 1/2 and 11 months, and every day is better than the last. Yes, it can be exhausting, frustrating, all of those things, but when you get those "love you daddy!" whispers in your ear or voicemails at work, whatever bits of negativity there may be completely evaporate and are instantly forgotten.

Here's one thing to remember in your first week, which is brutal: it gets better! The first week is the hardest, and after the first month or so, it gets considerably easier, especially if you can get them sleeping through the night quickly. We had both our girls sleeping through the night (6 hours straight, at least) at only 5 or 6 weeks old - made a huge difference in our sanity!

Your kids will be a reflection of your's and your wife's personality. Are there things in either of your personalities that you don't like? I think you can probably stop those from transferring to the kids if you're aware of it and take deliberate steps to do so. But in general, that's what they'll be like. I think the single most important thing is to make sure you have a happy, loving home and that the kids grow up, from the moment they're born, knowing that they're loved, appreciated, safe, and that the household is a stable, loving and caring environment. That doesn't mean it's free of discipline, but that any discipline comes from a loving and caring perspective, rather than from anger, frustration or resentment.

Make yourselves right, and the kids will grow up right, guaranteed.

There is never "the right time" to have kids, if you are waiting for that moment when it all comes together and the stars are aligned for it....it never comes.
I had my son at 19, not planned obviously but he changed my life for the better. The thought of him relying on me to provide made me grow up, which I needed at the time.
He is now 21 and a great friend, we spend time together even share my 911 on track days. Is it all easy...NO WAY...there are many moments of absolute exhaustion and stress. We have three now 21,15 and 10...and I would not change a thing they are all the best things in my life. The good out weighs the bad 10 fold and then some.
I agree with not letting then get out of hand, discipline and boundaries are needed but guidance and leading by example are just as important.
For those who don't have and choose not to have kids, don't look down your noses at those that do and to kids that make a little noise....they are kids...that is what drives me crazy, those that think they could do better but have no idea!!

our one and only was born when I was 1 month shy of 30. I was scared as hell that I wouldn't be ready, that money would be an issue - If we would be able to allow mom to stay home with him as I didn't want someone else raising our kid.

In the end it all worked out and we have a great 6 y/o - he is laid back, fun to be with Mom stayed home until he went to school and after a month of doing volunteer work she was offered a job teaching at his school (she was a teacher before) so she took it as she gets to be close to him during the day and keeps the same schedule and we also get a tuition break as well.

We look forward to each new phase and miss the ones that he has grown out of, we worry about him as he has asthma and a habit of breaking his right arm (3 times so far, twice this year) He is a tough, yet a funny little guy with a wonderfully warm heart and smart as a whip. He is our travel buddy and my copilot in the 911.

So the answer is - you will never be ready but you will hopefully always be up for the challenge. 6 years ago I think someone on this site said "Kids will ruin your life in the best way possible"

You can take that many ways but, I will never be the same as before but I would never trade it either. Good luck

Yep, same exact place. Early 30's, married 4 years. I have many nieces and nephews, and rarely find then cute, or endearing, or precious. I hear it all the time, and it's echoed here in this very thread, the parents that assert that they wouldn't change a thing, other than to have had kids sooner.
Except one time I overheard a stranger say something when she thought nobody else could hear. She said "I encourage my childless coworkers to have kids so that they'll be as miserable as I am.".......

I mean, WOW.

And Rusty Heap makes some very valid statements.

I am also learning what a couple folks here have said. I've been looking for that opportune, or convenient time for the past few years, and have concluded that time never arrives. Not only does it not come, it doesn't even get SLIGHTLY more convenient, only less so.

So, where does that get us? Well, maybe you have a a moment of weakness, and voila, it turns out that you are in fact as happy as most folks say they are with kids.

But I'm pretty sure we won't be pursuing the $40,000 of debt for fertility treatments that half my acquaintances were so eager to shoulder, if it comes to that.

To that point, who really PLANS to have kids anyway? It seems that those who plan for kids rarely have them go as intended. So just do it. Or don't.

You will discover a level of love that you never thought existed when you have your own children.

To not have children is to miss out on a very big part of life as a human being.

Sometimes I wonder if would like to have kids, then I doubt it, then I wonder if I would regret it later, then I doubt it.

Man, I'm not even a grown up myself and I'm 33, go figure. I'm not ready for this kind or responsabilty.

On the other hand, I've dated women with kids and liked it. I just don't want any of my own. Is that weird, I guess so...
It runs in the family, my sister doesn't want kids either. She must have taken the batteries out of her biological clock...

Life with kids is no better than life without. It's just a different life.

My children give me immense joy, but they are not for everyone. My older brother and both younger sisters don't have any.

My brother is involved with a woman that had/has a newborn.

He gets to play daddy on the weekends and really enjoys it.

Make sure the marriage is solid, in your 30's you should know way better than I did getting married in my early 20's. That was stupid and although I have wonderful kids who are now 19 and 17 I felt stuck in a crappy marriage while they were growing up. When you have kids you are connected to their Mom no matter what happens. I could never see myself as a part time Dad so I stuck with it until a couple of years ago. Not sure that was the best decision. I think I would have been a better father if I had been a happy person, even part time.

Kids are amazing and watching them grow up, enjoying time with them, etc. are things I wouldn't trade for anything.

But I agree that not everyone should have kids. There are tons of people who have them because it was what was expected or their spouse wanted them and they wanted to make them happy. Make sure you are both on the same page and happy and secure as a couple. Having kids adds joy but also stress to the situation.

For many this is true

This is the kind of societal bias that I think is dangerous. Kids are not for everyone and people that choose not to have them should not be made to feel like less of a person or that they've somehow missed out on a fulfilling life.

We did. We planned it, and it worked out more or less exactly as planned. Waited until after our trip to France for my 30th birthday, stopped birth control when we got home, knew it would take some time for hormones to return to normal, sure enough, 2 months later I come home to 2 wands on the kitchen counter with plus signs. My first reaction was "get those things off the counter! we put food there!" (in jest, of course)

It should be said that I really believe that there are a lot of parents out there who are not happy with the burden kids place on your life. These are the ones always yelling at their kids, not bothering to reign them in when they're running wild in the grocery store, etc. Those who are prepared for the sacrifices ahead will undoubtedly enjoy their kids to the moon and back, and will raise kids properly, no matter how rich or poor, smart or dumb, etc. Those who hope to continue their lives in the same style as before kids will be disappointed. Yes, you will sacrifice both time and money to your kids, whether you want to or not. The difference between good kids and bad kids lies in your acceptance of those sacrifices, and your ability to see the sacrifices as not so much losses, but trades. And if you're prepared to make the trade, it's a guaranteed win - you'll get back far more then you ever give up.

But you are a grumpy old fart.

Some of those mental/physical defects are shared by their fathers.;)

Anyway, back to the original question. I have two boys, 18 and 21 now; I'm 49. I was reluctant at first to even consider giving up my "freedom" to do whatever I want, whenever I want. I'm selfish that way; I think a lot of us are. Looking back at it now, if I had it to do all over again, I would do it all over again.

I could not imagine life without Chris and Alex. They have taught me more about life than I could have ever imagined. The time we spend together are the very best days of my life.

my story as well. i could've gone my entire life with no kids if my wife were on board with it.

now, i have found what must be the greatest love on this planet. my son (now 5) is so important to me that the 'sacrifices' we make are not felt at all.

and we've just had a daughter as well. at just two weeks old she already has captured my attention and thoughts.

i will say you need to understand that you are rolling the DNA dice when you have a child and you need to make some effort to grasp what that can mean. we had a big scare with our daughter (downs) during the pregnancy but all turned out well.

here's my girl....http://forums.pelicanparts.com/uploa...1255614350.jpg

I have several friends with out kids - some would be great parents others I would feel sorry for the kids

we have one - absolute blast but one was enough

we have friends that have 2 - 6 kids

Point being is no one should be looked down upon for not having kids or not having enough. It is amazing how many people will say when they first meet us "so when are you having another"

Kids are an absolute blast but not for everyone

I am the favorite uncle to many..
and when you guys post picks of your little one's
just for a sec..I wonder...
and then realize..
it's not for me..
I made it clear I wanted none..
thankfully she's on the same page..
many yrs later...
we have no regrets..
none..
and while many of you have great kids..
the norm these days seems to be..
old Dad and Mom are someone else's problem..
or the little darling set's his friend on fire over 40 bucks..

Rika