Increased risk of down syndrome...could use encouragement

[berettafan]

Got the call today. Blood tests from my wifes last visit show increased risk of DS. Odds per doc went from 1/180 based on age (35) to 1/54. Ultrasound at the time was great but blood test results have pushed up risk.

Currently debating doing an amnio.

We are having this child regardless of results. Abortion is not and has never been an option, we are both firm on that so that's one less issue to deal with.

Have always had strong sense of empathy for families with children suffering various disabilities and my heart just goes out when i see them. But now it could be me.

We have a healthy, loving and happy 4yr old already and i have never been so in love with another human being. Wife says i'm a great dad but i know it's just that i love him so much. How do i know if i can be a good dad to a little girl with DS?

God i'm scared ****less.

[Heel n Toe]

Originally Posted by berettafan

How do i know if i can be a good dad to a little girl with DS?

The very fact that you asked that question says that you would be a great dad to a little girl with DS.

Because the question shows your concern for her... as well as your stance that you plan to have her regardless.

Also, what you said about being so in love with your 4-year old.

Sometimes you just have to trust that others can see that you have what it takes.

[legion]

Having kids scares the crap out of me and this thread really hits home. A disability doesn't scare me, the "How do i know if i can be a good dad?" part does.

[berettafan]

it's the fact that the disability is forever that scares me.

a 2yr old with DS is beautiful and easy to love.

it's the later years that i can't get my head around.

[Moses]

The math is still ion your side. If there were 54 women exactly like your wife, all with the same exact test result; 53 of theses children will be perfectly healthy and one child will have DS.

If the nuchal thickness was reassuring you can relax a little more. Complications from the amnio are rare. Good luck! Sounds like everything should be fine.

[Tishabet]

1/54 is still pretty long odds.

As for "the later years" let me tell you about my big (I'm 29 and she's 36, but she's definitely smaller than me!) sister, Blythe.

She has been living independently in her own apartment in a "normal" apartment complex since she was 21.
She plays the violin (can do all of Suzuki book 1) and sings in a chorus.
She works full time for a non-profit doing receptionist work.
She owns a Volvo and has had a drivers license since she was 26... perfect driving record.
She drives 3-4 miles, then takes the subway in to downtown Boston for work every week day.
She does her own shopping, cooking, pays her bills, etc.
She has a computer and uses it for email, checking her bank account, etc.
She has a more active social life than me.
She live about 20 miles from me here in MA, and our parents live in Utah... no problem.

The bottom line is that someone with DS can live a relatively normal, productive life. Granted I've never known an existence without my sister, but from my perspective it doesn't seem like my family lives under a DS cloud or is really any different than any other family. That's not to say the challenges aren't significant... they are. Being born with DS is definitely being born behind the 8 ball; no point in sugar coating it.

This might seem like an odd analogy, but I would compare the impact of having someone in my family with DS in their "later years" to having an elderly relative... you feel the need to check up on them and there are occasional logistical issues, but that person is essentially independent. My parents are comfortable living half way across the country knowing that I live in the vicinity to help with small stuff... for example, I fixed her vacuum cleaner on Sunday.

All that being said, don't start worrying too hard about something with 1 in 54 odds. No matter who your kid ends up being, you're going to be their dad.

Here is a gratuitous pic of me and my sister.

[Don Plumley]

It's the world's worst best roller coaster. Just hang tough and you'll be fine no matter which track it takes...

[jyl]

I know some folks with Downs kids. Yes, it has been a challenge. But their kids are delightful and the parents wouldn't trade them for any other kid. One f these kids, who I know best, is a great boy.

[stomachmonkey]

Originally Posted by Tishabet

1/54 is still pretty long odds.

As for "the later years" let me tell you about my big (I'm 29 and she's 36, but she's definitely smaller than me!) sister, Blythe.

She has been living independently in her own apartment in a "normal" apartment complex since she was 21.
She plays the violin (can do all of Suzuki book 1) and sings in a chorus.
She works full time for a non-profit doing receptionist work.
She owns a Volvo and has had a drivers license since she was 26... perfect driving record.
She drives 3-4 miles, then takes the subway in to downtown Boston for work every week day.
She does her own shopping, cooking, pays her bills, etc.
She has a computer and uses it for email, checking her bank account, etc.
She has a more active social life than me.
She live about 20 miles from me here in MA, and our parents live in Utah... no problem.

The bottom line is that even in "the later years" someone with DS can live a relatively normal, productive life. It is by no means a "life sentence" for the person with DS or their family. That's not to say the challenges aren't huge... they are.

This might seem like an odd analogy, but I would compare the impact of having someone in my family with DS in their "later years" to having an elderly relative... you feel the need to check up on them and there are occasional logistical issues, but that person is essentially independent.

All that being said, don't start worrying too hard about something with 1 in 54 odds. No matter who your kid ends up being, your going to be their dad.

Here is a gratuitous pic of me and my sister.

Your sister sounds awesome and makes me feel a bit inadequate.

Wish I had my crap together better at that young an age.

[onewhippedpuppy]

You love your kids, that's all you need. The rest will come. Don't sweat it.

[jhynesrockmtn]

I work at a non profit that supports people with disabilities and earlier in life provided "peer support" to kids with Downs in high school. Check out a book called "Adventures in the Mainstream" by a local Seattle author named Greg Palmer. He spoke at our last fundraiser and has a great perspective on life with his son.

Being a parent is scary. My 19 and 16 yo kids are seemingly healthy and happy, pretty well adjusted but everyday brings new challenges. They are there whether the kids are "normal" or not. It is also an incredible experience and as you already know, you don't know how much you can love someone until you are a parent.

[cgarr]

10 years ago when we had our last child my wife was 35 They offered all kinds of test, we asked if there was anything we could do with the information to change anything, there was not, so we had no testing done.

Many also told us, "don't have kids until you can afford them" you can never afford them, just have them and everything else will fall into place just fine.

[nostatic]

"God gives you what you can handle"

Thankfully I'm kind of a wimp...

[gr8fl4porsche]

Have the docs talked to you about CVS testing?

The test is invasive but will tell you what you want to know with an extremely high reliability rate. Much better than blood work and amniotic fluid.

We had our little girl when my wife was 38 and our boy at 41.

We went ahead and did a CVS test on both pregnancies and were never sure what we would do with the results.

[KFC911]

Originally Posted by berettafan

How do i know if i can be a good dad to a little girl with DS?

God i'm scared ****less.

Based upon your posts over the years, I don't think you would be a good dad. I think you would be a GREAT dad. Whether born with DS or not, your daughter will bring great joy to your family, and you are "scared" about something that shouldn't be feared imo...be well, and good luck!!!

[KFC911]

Originally Posted by Tishabet

...Here is a gratuitous pic of me and my sister.

I don't know who to be happier for, a beaming, happy young lady, or her beaming, proud brother .

ps: Why do so many children who face adversity in one form or another seem SO much happier than those who "have it made"?

[KaptKaos]

If abortion is not on the table, why bother with the amnio? You're going to love this baby regardless. Just love her.

[Fishman7]

My wife and I went through the same darn thing and in the end everything was fine, after all the $$$$ in tests, blood, amnio, etc the doc's said it was a false/positive, now the kid is 8 years old and kicks my butt in just about everything, can I get my money back?
Good luck, don't sweat it everything will be fine.

[87coupe]

Originally Posted by KC911

I don't know who to be happier for, a beaming, happy young lady, or her beaming, proud brother .

ps: Why do so many children who face adversity in one form or another seem SO much happier than those who "have it made"?

When you've worked for something through adversity and come out the other side there is an inherent sense of accomplishment and pride. You don't get that from "having it made"

[berettafan]

man, i just don't know what to say........been reading this all day and you guys have really helped me to get a handle on what might be. Several of you have put tears in my eyes.

thank you all.