Need some wisdom on something that does not come up every day
 

Ladies and Gents,

Am facing a subject that does not come up very often, no pun intended.

Am going out with a woman who lives 1000 miles away from me. Why oh why do I get into relationships with people so far away...

Anyways several things to bring up in the mix. She is 34 and has one child, a 8 year old son. I am going to be 57 in less than a month and no kids. Always wanted them, just did not work out with the ex-wife.

I went over to spend Thanksgiving with her last month and something interesting came up. At dinner she asked if I would be interested in being a "donor" so that she could have a child. We have known each other for 5 years or so, but only become "involved" in the last 4 months. To tell the truth I thought she was too young for me, so do not think it was anything other than friends. Guess she had other thoughts...

Her comments were that she did not think it was a good idea to have a single child, she has been wanting to have a second child for a while, and of all of her friends I was the one she liked and respected the most. As well she is concerned about waiting too much later as the older you get the more issues ladies have with the birth and problems with the child. She does not mind raising the child alone, but the subject of how much involvement, if any, she is looking for on my end is a major question. As well do I want someone raising "my" child alone if that were to happen. That said, I am the last male in my family line and would not mind having a child. Sex does not matter, what matters is a healthy child.

There are some other things with her that make me feel that this may not be the "woman of my dreams" but still I have known her for a long time and still like her. As for having a child with her am not against it but also concerned about possible other legal issues that would come along with it.

Anyone have any suggestions or ideas on this? Before you ask, no photos, would rather be banned! :) All I can say is that she is a tall (5' 10") blonde and a pilot.

Thx,

Joe A

My opinion varies depending on the method of delivery for the specimen...

Having no experience what-so-ever with such things, I cannot intelligently comment. But from a distant sniff-test....I smell trouble. Her bio-clock is running full speed. It's likely that her friends are all getting knocked up and she's not in the club. If she's a working pilot on top of it, and doesn't have the means to be a full time parent...again, I smell trouble. FWIW.

Mike,

She already has a child, so its not like she is trying to get preggy to be part of the gang. I can understand her feeling about "single kids" but as well know your point about her job and who is going to take care of the child when she is working.

Right now she is flying for a company who does a lot of local flights, and she is rarely gone more than 1-2 nights. Right now she has a baby sitter but this would have to be worked out.

Conventional delivery. I do let her on top quite often. Am an old man and need to rest. :)

Other than the fun of the delivery system, what part of this sounds like a good idea? Do you want to be involved in a little Joe's life as he grows up? Do you want to ignore a human being, knowing that he is your little Joe? Once you have a child with another person, you are joined with that person 'till death do you part unless you plan on abandoning her and the kid forever. Are you up for that. And finally, "donor" or no, you will be held responsible for child support unless you go through some officially sanctioned sperm donor program. Even then, that's iffy.

Sounds like you've worked up a little FWB situation and the little lady has an idea about how to get a little more. Sounds romantic. Don't go there.

That is one of my concerns and even if there was a "pre nup" (if there is such a thing for this type of case) bet that a court or good lawyer would get it thrown out.

Do not disagree with your comments and views and agree with most of them. This is not just a "sperm donor" program, its a friend so has more strings attached.

The other question is, what am I going to be like at age 75 when the child would be 18? Will I even be around, so who knows.

I see the babysitter, it looks like you, and I understand the part about having a kid with no say in it's life, I guess the only way to have say would be to be financially responsible. If you don't really want to marry her I wouldn't do it.

HARRISBURG, Pennsylvania — A sperm donor who helped a lesbian couple conceive two children is liable for child support under a state appellate court ruling that a legal expert believes might be the first of its kind in the U.S.

FOXNews.com - Pennsylvania Court Orders Sperm Donor to Lesbian Couple to Pay Child Support - Local News | News Articles | National News | US News

She has been qualifying you, she sucked you in the relationship to take advantage of your swimmers, then she is gonna start with the " this isnt working, us being so far apart and all" ........."but make sure you send in the support checks or you will hear from my attorney"

Run, run like the wind!! There has got to be some close by pie that dont want to hook you in like that. I mean face it your an old dude, shes a young chick who wants security and she knows statistically youll be gone soon and she will get your loot. RUN!

Just so you know, there is no way to enter into a prenup type agreement to prevent child support. Such agreements are illegal in all 50 states. The biological parents will be held financially responsible by the state, regardless of any agreement between the two of them.

Do you really want to create a new life without a mother and father there to take care of it? Do you think a good mother would? I think not.

Joe, the little lady just asked you to marry her.

Something just seems off to me. I'm sure that everything could be completely legit, but I suspect this will just end in trouble and heartache.

I'd drop this hot potato.

Joe Joe Joe, I've got a bottle of Maker's Mark with your name on it.
Here's a question... do YOU want a child. Put her aside for a bit and consider YOU being a parent. Is that what you want? And if so, do you want your daughter/son living 1000 miles away? Do you want to miss the diaper changes? Their first steps, first day of school? etc...?

This is a VERY complicated subject and one that requires serious thought. Way too much to relay on the BBS. Just sayin'.

ps
pm me a pic! HA!!;)

Wish you guys would stop sugar coating it and tell me how you really feel! :)

Actually these are my main concerns. Have to add to the mix that I am hoping to retire in 5 years or so and child support payments do not fit well into this situation...

I don't buy her argument that having a second child 9 YEARS apart from the first one is somehow better for the family (at least that is what you've implied she meant).

It's not like they'll be playing together. It's not like they'll go to school together, or have any friends in common. The result will be a huge amount of time taken away from the activities of a young man while mom is being a single parent of a newborn.

No, this is not about doing what's best for the "family". This is about what is best for her. I think it's kind of selfish actually. IMO she needs to focus on the one she has.

Joe I think you need to figure out what YOU want , if its just her on top sex, then having children with her or anyone for that matter isnt something your interested in.
OTOH if you want to start a family make a child, if you like her more after that marry her.
Before you do anything you must BOTH be on the same page and discuss the responsibilities of this decision.
If you have any red flags for you then you might have your answer.

Sex is good at night and in the morning, after that being able to walk away is definitely less of a responsibility

Hey, you asked a bunch of butt-scratchin', booger-eatin' car guys. If you want professional advice, go see this guy (I think they pay $5k for an appearance):

http://www.thehollywoodgossip.com/im...-phil-book.jpg

LOL!

Have you met Joe?

You f'ing channeled all my thoughts...

Money aside, Joseph, I'm 53 with two teenagers (15 and 17 soon to be 18). I simply cannot imagine having progeny at your age. It is about them as well. The only catch you two will be playing is, "catch Dad's dentures".;)

I'm 48 and feel exactly the same way. Even now I've got accumulated wear and tear that prevents me from doing certain sports with the boy.

I've actually had two different ex g/fs broach this subject with me in the past. The discussion never got very serious, and in both cases they were married but their hubby was shooting blanks. They just wanted me for my genes. I *might* consider it in that case, and it wouldn't be traditional delivery.

But for a woman I was involved with? If you father that kid you are the kid's father with all the rights and responsibilities inherent in that role. Look at possible scenarios and try to figure out how you'd feel. For instance, you get her pregnant, are with her through birth, kids is 2 years old, and she says, "buh bye." What would you feel/do? Or you get her pregnant and 5 months down the road meet some hot Russian babe who rocks your world and you think you want to marry her. What then?

I can maybe see sperm given to some woman who is married and you are at a distance. For one that you are somewhat connected with? Very, very messy.

Run.

The potential for disaster is considerable.

http://forums.pelicanparts.com/uploa...1260724392.jpg

Here is wisdom.

Joe, like MRM said, you will be the legal father and liable for all child support until the child is at least 18. 21 if it goes to college.

That said, you better make sure you are the one using birth control from now on as you know what she wants out of the bargain.

THAT right there is the smartest post of the thread by far.

Joe,
I don't really see any upside for you in this. You very well may get stuck with child support...I see that loud and clear. If your relationship with her is as good as it sounds now I would just keep it that way, if you can.

Unless you are planning on living with her and being the father...you should not be having a child with her. Children need involved fathers. The age difference is already too great to benefit the first child, and might even cause problems because so much time and energy would be invested in the newbie that would take the single mother's limited time away from him. If she really wants to do this for the older child, she should adopt a child closer in age. Heck, he is in school now...and has lots of friends/companions now.

Have a vasectomy then agree to help her out.

A judge in Stuttgart, Germany, is currently trying to decide on a lawsuit in which a man hired his neighbour to impregnate his wife.

It gets weirder.

Demetrius Soupolos, 29, and his former beauty queen wife, Traute, were very keen to have a child together, but Demetrius was sterile so they began to seek out other possible options.

The option the couple eventually decided on was to hire their neighbour Frank Maus, 34, to impregnate Traute.

Maus, who was already married with two children agreed to do the job for the fee of €2,000. For three evenings a week for the next six months, a total of 72 different times, Maus tried to impregnate Traute.

When his own wife objected, Maus explained that he was "only doing it for the money."

After the unsuccessful six-month period Soupolos insisted that Maus take a medical examination. The doctor concluded that Maus was also sterile, which forced his wife into admitting that their two children did not belong to him.

My uncle is 71 with a child that's on 10th grade. Not by choice; my cousin and her husband are dead so my aunt and uncle are now raising their grandson. Even though my uncle is an active guy sometimes it seems like he gets tired out by the kid. Not so much physically, but the other stuff he has to deal with when you have a kid in high school. Activities, making sure he's not getting in too much trouble, teaching him how to drive and whatnot. It can be done, but I think in your 70s it does come at a price.

But if the two of you aren't ready for a lifelong commitment I wouldn't even consider it. As others here have said a son or daughter needs both parents in their life and not in some dysfunctional way.

This is way too serious and personal a decision to be thrown up on the interwebs. However, you did and got an overwhelming reponse warning you to run like hell. The potential for disaster is close to 100%. You will regret it up to and including the day you die. There is no turning back. The lady has umpteen different options to bear another child. Don't do it, Joe. I don't know you, but I respect a lot of what you say here. That respect (FWIW) will be gone if you do this. The lady is not thinking right. If you say no do you think she'll stick around? Do you think you could just carry on like normal NOT being involved in your own progeny?

Who is taking the precautions now ?

run!

Is she looking for a father/husband or just someone to finance her fantasies?

Has marriage been discussed? If she wants to get married, that indicates the former, if not, the latter.

We have been going out for only a matter of months, and live 1000 miles apart, so no, marriage has not been discussed, nor in my case even thought about.

As well she knows that my job situation is fickle (laid off twice in 5 years, currently unemployed doing contract work when able, but have something firm in a month or so that she did not know about when this came up) and really doubt that she is looking for support.

Do feel that she just wants a "donor" to have another child, but also am feeling like the majority of the posters here that a few months/years down the line she could get perturbed at something and all it would take is one call to a DA or lawyer and the state of Texas would be sending me a registered letter asking about child support for my child.

Problem at this time is that we have had sex several times, the last two not-protected. Really hoping that she is not preggy already.

Believe that this is a given from here on out. I do not see her that often and may slow things down a lot until this thing is worked out.

Get a vasectomy, then tell her your totally down with her plan.

Does her father or mother own a Porsche dealership or Liquor store?

I thought you gona say you had the clap...or the Viagra wasn'r working anymore....I see on TV that they have a Pump for fellas your age...

I know you didn't ask for a second opinion, but (as usual) I concur with MRM's counsel. As an aside, you seem to minimize the child support issue which you will likely want to contribute when all is said and done. Even though your current earnings may be diminished, most courts look at your earnings potential as demonstrated by past (higher) tax returns. I have a client who had a 50% decrease in earnings (from $120K to 60K) through no fault of his own and he was ordered to pay support commensurate with the higher figure. Ex-wifey is getting a tad over 50% of his net income. Just a little nuance to consider.

Nothwithstanding that, if you impregnate her tonite, you will be 76 and watching the child graduate from high school.