Am I Out-of-Line? Dealing with 16 yr old Niece's Boyfriend

[Tidybuoy]

I am really frustrated and I'm just wondering if i am out of line with how I have dealt with my 16 yr old neice's violent boyfriend.

First, some background:

My 39 year old sister is a disfunctunal, single mother of two. My syster had/has learning disabilities and is a complete mess. To compound problems, my parents have always treated my syster as if she were retarded and protected her, and made all decisions throughout her life (she is 39 and has never had a job, paid a bill, etc). When she was young, she got involved with the wrong croud and ended up having two kids. The father was a druggie, and has been in and out of jail his entire life - he is completely out of the picture and hasn't been around for 15 or more years.

My parents "manage" my sister. This includes buying her a house, paying all bills, doing all thinking, etc.. (it has made the problem worse, over the years). My parents are 79 and are becoming less & less able to deal with the situation - except financial responsibility.


I have known about my neice's boyfriend for about 6 months. The normal MO is my neice is always upset over the recent breakup, etc. Typical 16 year old girl stuff.

I recently found out that my neice got 100% F's in her sophmore year of high school and will have to repeat. (she was a straight A student until 8th grade). NOW, I find out that she also got all F's & one D for her freshmen year. Basically, she is just about to become a high school drop out.

My parents feel helpless. They took away the cell phone a year ago after 22,000 texts in one month and all F's in school. My sister went out and got her a new phone....


Now the Boyfriend:

He goes to a different school; a "continuation" charter school for kids that are screwups.

I previously heard that he had kicked in the front door screen. Ok, not good but a one-time thing, so I had thought.

Now, my mom tells me that my neice is flunking, & the boyfriend has done a bunch of stuff: including kicking in the front door screen, cutting out (with a hunting knife) the screens of the windows, graffitti a gang symbol in the laundry room, stealing the powercord from the tv, and (the worst); pissed in my neices dresser drawer and my sisters car.

I think we've got a very serious problem and I'd love to beat the schit out of this punk - but, I do not intend to go to jail.

So, I showed up at my neices, and photographed all of the damage. I told her that I was going to the police. I also (faked) taking a DNA sample from the dresser drawer & car and put into a zip loc. I told her (while she cried & cried) that I was going to press charges for assault and vandalism. I told her that I was turning over everything to my nephew (different family) that is a cop.

Next, I went on to MySpace and found this punk. It was worse than I was expecting. This kid is bad news and obviously has no supervision. He's a little guy and a gang wantabe.

I sent him a very, very stern message. I demanded that he return the stuff he stole (ie., the power cord to the tv) and I let him know I took DNA samples of his piss in the dresser. I gave him 48 hours and include a picture of his house and told him I'm watching him.

Viewing his MySpace, I found that he has a girlfriend (not my neice). I sent her a message and told her I'm looking for her punk boyfriend and .....same as what I told him.

Next, I made a fake receipt from a DNA Crime lab and sent him a copy - reminding him that I will have the results in 4 weeks and I'm going to file charges. He's got less than 48 hours to return the stuff or his parents will become involved, his school, and the police.

Yes, I made some threats but this guy needs to go away. Then, I need to start dealing with my niece. She needs to be pulled out of her school and ...I;m not sure what, but any school that will let a kid get all F's for two years, is not doing it's job - I do realize that my neice is getting no supervision at home either.

If this punk does not return the stolen stuff within 48 hours, I will follow thru and report this to the police and his parents.

Just wondering what the brain trust on this board think.....

[924slover]

I think you've done everything possible short of a a$$beating but if this kid happens to be jumped by a hooded figure that he can't identify then so be it......

[Racerbvd]

I don't know why he is stil breathing & not worm food or why you haven't aready gone to the police......

[lane912]

does your niece know that she is not the only one?
you might have to move in and provide "close supervision" of the niece not excluding accompaning her to each class.

[Dantilla]

Your neice desperately needs adults that love and respect her. Hopefully it's not too late, but it's not looking good.

Thanks for caring about a troubled teen.

[McLovin]

Wow!

I assume she doesn't live with you and you only have limited control over her? It sounds like you're fighting the good fight on her behalf, and good on you for that, but sadly this seems like a war you're ultimately not going to win. Sounds like things are not going to turn out well for your niece.

Good luck, though.

[Head416]

You haven't overstepped anything. The way I see it, you need to do two things: 1) take care of this punk, by whatever means necessary, and 2) try to connect with this poor girl who is obviously in a downward spiral.

This situation could turn around and be looked back on as a "phase" she went through, or she could keep heading down this dangerous road and end up with lifelong consequences - sex, drugs, disease, dropout, crime, physical abuse, prison, death, who knows? That seems to be where this guy is headed. Don't let him drag her down with him.

Unfortunately she's a teenager and may see you as the bad guy - seems she used to doing whatever she wants with nobody to tell her what to do. She needs boundaries, and she needs to see that you genuinely care about her.

Sending prayers your way.

[Porsche-O-Phile]

Personally I'd say it ain't your place or your problem. Frankly I think you're pissing into the wind. Children of screwups are pretty much destined to be screwups. Your intervention, while well-intended, is virtually guaranteed to fail and likely to be unappreciated and resented by your niece and everyone else.

However, you're obviously a decent guy and despite the fact that you are almost certainly GOING to fail miserably in your efforts, here's the common sense reality - you cannot think for your niece. She has to WANT to fix her situation, just as it is with an alcoholic, drug addict or abuse victim. They have to want the help or they will reject it and go right back to the same situation. If she has approached you and convinced you she wants better than where she feels her life is going, then she can prove it by losing the phone, losing the "crowd" and hitting the books. I'd offer her a distraction-free household to get her life back on track - no friends coming around, no schithead boyfriends trying to get in her pants, no phone, no texting, just a good solid loving home, company, protection and whatever tutoring you can offer. If she wants it.

If the douche then comes around (onto your property) in that situation, far as I'm concerned it'd be a new ballgame and you'd be within your rights to wipe the floor with his ass ("home invasion" - hint, hint). If you were ever to chase him down on neutral ground or on his territory, you'd just make yourself look bad. If he comes around and trespasses on your property after being told "stay away" I'd let him have it ("self defense", protecting your home and your niece), then file for a R.O. just to add insult to injury.

Or you can just have a "mysterious, unindentifiable cloaked stranger" work him over a bit in the dead of night. While I do kinda' like the appeal of that and it'd no doubt be satisfying, it's just going to cause problems. Chances are he'd just use that as a sympathy play and would be too stupid to make the correlation between his being a douche and it resulting in his getting a beat-down - unless he was told at the time WHY he was getting the beatdown, and at that point you might as well call 9-1-1 on yourself for assault.

[Gogar]

Best to you and I hope you can come to a good resolution.

My only suggestion is that you NOT communicate with him WHATSOEVER with the computer or anything. Do it legit on the up and up and FOR REAL. Anytime you use myspace or facebook or texts, etc it just sort of delegitimizes it in a way.

And remember that since you're the adult who can show good judgement and restraint, you are at a pretty big legal and emotional disadvantage.

[onlycafe]

good luck , you are doing a really good thing.
if he needs to disappear, send him to new york , we've got lots of places.

[pwd72s]

The best way to hide a body is....

[nostatic]

At the risk of seeming callous, frankly you need to consider you and your own immediate family's needs. If you pull some stunt with this loser and go to jail, what have you won? Odds are the niece is history at this point, and there is little that you can do. About the only thing you can do is tell her that she has a safe haven if she wants it (with you - if you're willing to go there) but on your terms.

Trying to play on the same field with the loser punk is a no-go. He has nothing to lose, you have plenty to lose. You need to honestly assess what you're willing to risk to try and "save" your niece. imho your primary obligation is to your immediate family first, then extended family.

[nynor]

+1 with what nostatic says. unfortunately.

if neither the niece nor her mother will get the police involved, the situation is fairly fkd, IMO.

[Head416]

You definitely need to take care of your family, and you in prison doesn't do anybody any good.

The question is, is your niece somebody to write off to ruin her life if she wants, or is she family that you'll do whatever you can to help?

Based on your first post, it sounds like the latter. Based on the situation, her life is gonna end up ruined if somebody can't get through to her. Maybe there's somebody besides you to do that. Maybe not. Her mother certainly isn't going to.

Personally, I commend you for trying to get involved, do what's right, and take care of a child who's messed up and needs some help.

[Lazarro]

Originally Posted by nostatic

At the risk of seeming callous, frankly you need to consider you and your own immediate family's needs. If you pull some stunt with this loser and go to jail, what have you won? Odds are the niece is history at this point, and there is little that you can do. About the only thing you can do is tell her that she has a safe haven if she wants it (with you - if you're willing to go there) but on your terms.

Trying to play on the same field with the loser punk is a no-go. He has nothing to lose, you have plenty to lose. You need to honestly assess what you're willing to risk to try and "save" your niece. imho your primary obligation is to your immediate family first, then extended family.

Well said.

[lm6y]

Good on ya for trying to do what's right, but I think you're going to end up being the bad guy on this one.

What did you say on the internet, that won't go away, that can be used as evidence against you to show pre meditation? Don't EVER put anything on paper, or the internet in a case like this. That's a lawyer's job.

[crustychief]

I have to agree with Gogar and Nostatic on this one. You might want to get her to enter into some sort of "scared straight" system.

[Hugh R]

Listen to nostatic.

[Bill Douglas]

Also... I agree with Todd. And I can imagine your frustration as effectively being head of the extended family, the responsibility, but can't stop things from sliding down hill. I think you really do have to look after yourself in this situation and not be dragged down into having a fight on his terms - this is where you get hurt/assault conviction/jail And your sister, the niece and her boyfriend will all hate you no mater whether the outcome is good or bad.

[Tidybuoy]

Wow, a lot of good comments. Thanks.

For the record, I will not be taking matters into my own hands. I will report the matter to the police. I will probably end up talking to the kids parents and may have the police join me in this. Fortunately, I have some law enforcement in my family locally.

I agree, my niece is heading downhill fast but I think there is hope and the trend can be reversed - but, time is running out.

Fortunately, my parents have raised both my neice & nephew for a large part of their lives and so their is some level of stability and love in thier lives. Unfortunately, my parents are getting older and while still very active for 79, they can't keep up. There are 8 kids in my family and all but one are professionals and care about this. I think that most of us just didn't realize the severity until just this week. If we have to, we may move my niece to one of my (out-of-town) siblings home.