May be single again soon

[LakeCleElum]

Originally Posted by jhynesrockmtn

The one issue that has come up about every 3 months is her criticizing how I relate to and/or parent my children.

She only gets out of line once every 3 months - Gawd; a gift from HEAVEN................Marry her tomorrow.......

[Macroni]

choice and women...... what makes you think you will have a choice?

[DanielDudley]

I still pick up the phone and call my Dad, and he's 87. The only difference is that now the relationship goes both ways.

I worry about women who have disdain for perceived weakness. It can often mean that they have thoughts and feelings that they keep to themselves, and while you think you know them, there may be a different person inside them running the show. If they were punished for weakness as a child, they may in turn punish others for weakness.

I have no idea if your GF is like this, however,it's a red flag for matrimony.

In a casual relationship, you can just go on for as long as it's enjoyable, and that could be years. However, what is wrong with saying ''These are my kids, and this is how I am raising them. I am always going to be there for them, just as I would always be there for you. This is not up for discussion. Is that a problem ?''

[Laneco]

Your children are, for all intent, grown (though they are always your children). Sounds like they are well on the way to being very good, productive people so whereas you are probably not a perfect parent (join the very large club...) apparently you've done most things pretty darn well.

The critical comments from her send up a red flag for me. All parents go through a stage where we look at other parents and compare notes, mostly thinking we come out ahead. I'm hoping she is just at this stage comparing her child rearing with her 11 year old to your young adults, and her "filter" needs a little adjustment.

It's time for the filter adjustment. I'd suggest the nice conversation where you explain that you feel she is being critical which makes you feel that you've done a poor job raising your children. Start out nice, but stand your ground. You've raised good young people, people you love and no one has the right to snipe at that. Particularly someone who is only mid-way through the process themselves. Believe me, every parent thinks they walk on water in the parenting department until the kid becomes a teenager. Then they realized that their smug little perception disappears when the kid climbs out the window in the middle of the night...

I realize you're already considering this, but with her young child still in the picture, the parenting style issue is a deal breaker. Work it out with respect, or walk away and save all three of you a great deal of misery.

angela

[Gretch]

You are getting some great advice here....... take it to heart.

I know it seems impossible to find some good companionship and you WANT to overlook the imperfections when you find one that seems to fill your needs..... The problem is that each of the genders has their agendas...........

Guys, well we all know what guys want........ pretty obvious and straight forward.

Women on the other hand are a lot more complicated and generally do not volunteer their agenda..... They "work" a man on it, passing out favors like kibbles to a dog. Even when they are content, they are always looking to make things better (for themselves). THIS is the breed of women we have produced in the last 50 years.

Your "second" woman will ALWAYS view your kids as a barrier to gaining 100% control over you. The fact that this one has an 11 year old who needs a father, places a real level of urgency on her need to gain full control of the shelter providing, resource producing, image completing opportunity that you represent.

I am sorry to put it so bluntly, but the grass is always greener..........until you find out the cows been pooping in that field, too.......

Change your approach to your social life. Poon is not worth the crappola this one wants to put you through.......

Like Angela said, do it nice,................... but move on.

[The Gaijin]

Originally Posted by Gretch

...Even when they are content, they are always looking to make things better (for themselves). THIS is the breed of women we have produced in the last 50 years.

Your "second" woman will ALWAYS view your kids as a barrier to gaining 100% control over you...

Wow. Just wow. People say you can waste a lot of time on the internet. You can learn a few things as well! Great post.

[Rick Lee]

This thread is useless without pics.





Sorry. Someone had to say it.

[Jagshund]

Originally Posted by jhynesrockmtn

is it possible to find a woman who's rationale?

Haaaahhhaaaa!!!!

[jhynesrockmtn]

It's time for the filter adjustment. I'd suggest the nice conversation where you explain that you feel she is being critical which makes you feel that you've done a poor job raising your children. Start out nice, but stand your ground. You've raised good young people, people you love and no one has the right to snipe at that. Particularly someone who is only mid-way through the process themselves. Believe me, every parent thinks they walk on water in the parenting department until the kid becomes a teenager. Then they realized that their smug little perception disappears when the kid climbs out the window in the middle of the night...

I realize you're already considering this, but with her young child still in the picture, the parenting style issue is a deal breaker. Work it out with respect, or walk away and save all three of you a great deal of misery.

Great advice. We basically had that filter adjustment conversation in May/June where I said I'm not changing, don't feel I need to, accept me as I am or let's be thankful for the time we've had and move on. She came back with the I've changed speech which at the time sounded very sincere and well thought out. The fact she has an 11 yo and we're having these difficult conversations about my young adults is a big red flag. Not that I've tried to be a father figure. He has a Dad who's involved and I don't want to ever try and sub for him in an innappropriate way.

We're seeing the therapist tonight but I think for me it will be a time to say what's on my mind and make the exit as graceful as possible. What's the saying, "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me" I don't want to be in a position to be fooled again.

[flatbutt]

Originally Posted by jhynesrockmtn

.......

We're seeing the therapist tonight but I think for me it will be a time to say what's on my mind and make the exit as graceful as possible. What's the saying, "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me" I don't want to be in a position to be fooled again.

More power to ya brother but danged if I'd be going to a therapist for a g/f.

[Gretch]

No shyte...........

"Exit, stage left!"

I am telling ya brother.............. poon is not worth giving up your soul!

[scottmandue]

Another vote for Moses post being right on target.

At 52 I was sure I would be single the rest of my days...

Then I met the one... I have dated enough nut jobs to know she was the one...

My parents are in their 80's and well off, my brother is also doing fine finacialy.

I'm not rich but I have a nice house and a pension, if anything happens to me I would prefer it go to her so I married her.

[jhynesrockmtn]

More power to ya brother but danged if I'd be going to a therapist for a g/f.

I hear yah but she's more than just a GF, definately more. This is harder than when my wife and I split up.

[scottmandue]

Ironic.. this oldie just arrived in my email:


1. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY? (written by kids)



You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you

like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should

keep the chips and dip coming.

-- Alan, age 10



-No person really decides before they grow up who they're going

to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later

who you're stuck with.

-- Kristen, age 10



2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GETMARRIED?


Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER

by then.

-- Camille, age 10



3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be

yelling at the same kids.

-- Derrick, age 8




4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE INCOMMON?

Both don't want any more kids.

-- Lori, age 8




5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?


-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to

know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long

enough.

-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)



-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that

usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.

-- Martin, age 10




6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

-When they're rich.

-- Pam, age 7



-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to

mess with that.

-- Curt, age 7



-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should

marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.

-- Howard, age 8




7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?



It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need

someone to clean up after them.

-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child )




8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET

MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?

-- Kelvin, age 8




And the #1 Favorite is .......



9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a

dump truck.

-- Ricky, age 10

[Dueller]

Later life romantic relationships, particularly ones involving blended families, give rise to more reasons to stay single than to get married.

I learned this the hard way.

[crustychief]

Go to the craft store and get some balsa wood for that Andrea Doria project.

[Hetmann]

Interesting discussion. I'm married (28 years) and our only daughter is a junior in college. She attends a university here in town, but lives in a house near campus. My goal is to get her through college without student loans. We also provided her with a car. She's a good student and helps by working part time. My dad did this for me and I feel like it's what I want for my kid. Lately, my wife has been hammering on me about expenses and that we should not be giving her so much. Her parents didn't do it for her and we don't need to do it for our daughter. I've stuck to my guns on this, but it is starting to piss me off.

[foxpaws]

I would stay away from the whole 'marriage' gumbo... What do you gain from it, what does she gain from it? At this point in your life - if bad things arise, and you (or she) are afraid of 'losing' the other one without the bonds of a marriage license, what does that imply? The piece of paper doesn't do anything regarding loss of commitment or feelings, it grants legal rights. Do you want her to be the one that gets your pension, or 1/2 of your SS? Do you need her on your health insurance - or the other way around? Are you worried about visitation rights at some point? The rest of the 'stuff' - like houses, money, 'things,' can be doled out among kids, siblings and 'SO's with a will. And if you do get married, pre-nups at this stage in your life, along with an iron-clad will certainly should be on the 'pre-marriage' list, along with the caterer, florist and reception hall.

[jhynesrockmtn]

The therapist meeting was interesting. We're done. I wouldn't budge on her having the kind of influence she wants about how I relate to my kids or decisions that are made with regards to them by my ex and myself.

She has had a history over the last couple of years of "pulling away" from me when these things come up because how I handle my kids changes her level of respect for and attraction to me. The therapist tried to couch that as a communication issue. I said no, it's more than how she communicates this stuff. It's the fact that she perceives me differently as a man depending on how, how often and what I discuss with my children. That might be an ok lense for her to view me through for her. It doesn't work for me and I'm not willing to compromise on it.

It's sad. She has so many great qualities but there is just something in her background or make up that causes really small things to be blown way out of proportion. In so many ways we were great together but this has been like a rock in my shoe that is small and not that big a deal but as more rocks accumulate or the rock gets bigger I just want it gone.

[genrex]

Jerry, thank you for this thread.

I'm having the same issue with the lady I've been seeing for the last year, and it's impossible trying to discuss it on an adult level, even in therapy, because of the denials and guilt-trips. This week we had a breakthrough and she was able to admit that she's looking for a daddy to take care of her... but of course that revealed that we are looking for different things in a relationship.

I don't know. Maybe living separately is an option.

edit: On second thought, probably not...