Caring for our parents in their twilight years

[Baz]

Actually for me it will just be my Mom. My father and step-father have all gone to greener pastures.

My Mom is now 89 y.o. and still on her own. She lives in her own house in a nice neighborhood about 10 minutes from me. She still drives, shops for herself, plays cards once or twice a week at the local yacht club. Uses email (has a cell phone but doesn't routinely use it). And her health is generally very good.

But.....the day will come when all this will change. My folks were all military so Mom has health insurance - not long-term health though. When asked what he wishes are she said she'd like to continue living in her home as long as possible and have a caretaker/caregiver(s) come there when needed. So that's where we are right now.

I have 2 brothers, a step-sister, and a step-brother....3 living in state and 1 out of state. As yet collectively we have not huddled on how to handle Mom's living arrangements and care when things change. I will probably start a dialogue this year.

I was talking to my neighbor and he mentioned both the Council on Aging and Hospice as 2 organizations which offer information on this subject. I will be researching this going forward so I ca work with my Mom and her family while she is still coherent and we can all have a clear understanding on our plan going forward.

My Mom already has her estate documents updated and on file with an attorney who handles estate planning so I think we're in good shape there but I will probably review with him where we are at some point to make sure we are all on the same page.

Many of you have BTDT and/or will be dealing with this as well.

Here are the 2 links:

Improving the Lives of Older Americans

Home (Hospice Foundation of America)

Good luck with your folks too.....I will check back periodically if I get any more info that might help others......

[72doug2,2S]

We built a "dowdy house" or wing onto our house for when my MIL becomes old and decrepit. She is not occupying it now and it is referred to as the apartment and really has come in handy for visiting guests.

It has 600 sq ft. Bedroom, Bathroom, kitchen, living room, outside door, and adjoining door to the main house.

We have verbally agreed to take care of her until she requires skilled care, or 24 hour care. My FIL passed in '06, but she now has a boyfriend. We'll have to wait and see.

[Dottore]

If your mother is 89, it is urgent that you begin this dialogue with your siblings - and with her. Do not put this off.

You need to get a complete picture of your mothers finances while she is of sound mind. That option could be gone over night.

You need to get a clear picture of what is doable with her money. You need to have a game plan. And if her money is not enough, you need to have a clear understanding
with your siblings about the shortfall.

You need plans and backup plans. Study all the options. Get all the information now. These things always sneak up on you, and then you will not have the time to go through these things as carefully as you do now.

Oh yes, and find out where everything is. (addresses, accounts, passwords, valuables, papers etc etc.)

[Baz]

Originally Posted by 72doug2,2S

We built a "dowdy house" or wing onto our house for when my MIL becomes old and decrepit. She is not occupying it now and it is referred to as the apartment and really has come in handy for visiting guests.

It has 600 sq ft. Bedroom, Bathroom, kitchen, living room, outside door, and adjoining door to the main house.

We have verbally agreed to take care of her until she requires skilled care, or 24 hour care. My FIL passed in '06, but she now has a boyfriend. We'll have to wait and see.

Doug:

That would be great perfect for me except Mom refuses to move from her home and neighborhood. She loves it there and has a bunch of good neighbors so that's the way it is - for now anyway. I had spoken to her a year or so ago about moving a little closer (like a couple houses down) when a nearby home came on the market at a decent price, but it fell on deaf ears sorta speak.

Thanks for the reply!

[Baz]

Originally Posted by Dottore

If your mother is 89, it is urgent that you begin this dialogue with your siblings - and with her. Do not put this off.

You need to get a complete picture of your mothers finances while she is of sound mind. That option could be gone over night.

You need to get a clear picture of what is doable with her money. You need to have a game plan. And if her money is not enough, you need to have a clear understanding
with your siblings about the shortfall.

You need plans and backup plans. Study all the options. Get all the information now. These things always sneak up on you, and then you will not have the time to go through these things as carefully as you do now.

Oh yes, and find out where everything is. (addresses, accounts, passwords, valuables, papers etc etc.)

Dottore:

I agree. And will do so, thanks. Mom has already shown me all her important documents - she keeps them in a safe. They are all organized in a neat little stack. Since my step-dad passed away, Mom has been sorting through everything in the house and processing it as appropriate so her children won't have to 'deal' with it when the time comes.

As far as $ is concerned - that will be the most delicate subject to discuss...but I agree.....we need to do it.

Thanks for your reply and advice!

[72doug2,2S]

Originally Posted by Baz

Doug:

That would be great perfect for me except Mom refuses to move from her home and neighborhood. She loves it there and has a bunch of good neighbors so that's the way it is - for now anyway. I had spoken to her a year or so ago about moving a little closer (like a couple houses down) when a nearby home came on the market at a decent price, but it fell on deaf ears sorta speak.

Thanks for the reply!

Well, that's kind of where my MIL is too. We have an empty apartment at our house. She's not moving in because she likes her neighborhood. However, when she's too old to take care of herself, she won't likely be out enjoying the neighborhood anyway.

It makes sense from the point when she'd need care brought in or her being sent to a home for the aged. As of now she gets to choose. She gets to be with one of her daughters rather than bunk with some stranger. And that day may never come when she needs skilled care.

When we built our house I told her now was the time to make this decision. If you are in a build or remodel situation this may be a good time to talk about this option.

My MIL has already created a trust and has a designated one of the children as the administrator.

My parents also have a trust in which I am the administrator.

Next, I'll have to do the same for my children.

[schamp]

I am almost in the same boat. Mom is 89, active, drives, etc. I have a lawyer in the family but still advise that she use either a bank or someone else as administrator or executor. Offered to build her a house here on my property in the country. Her response was that her friends and doctors were in town. Good luck.

[recycled sixtie]

Well my Mother is 94 in a long term home in the UK and my father in law is 96 is in long term care in our city. My Mother would not want to live with her children but my fil would live with one of the kids but it is not going to happen. My Chinese hairdresser has her 84 mother living with their family. Apparently that is the culture. Anyway my Mother can still write cheques so I feel that she can control her finances but once she cannot do that I feel that she is losing control and might have to revert to an executor. There is a big difference between 80 and mid nineties. Yes I think that living in a house is way superior to a condo. Hire somebody to cut the grass, do the snow in the winter etc. To me a condo is a step closer to the grave. Others may disagree!?

[Halm]

I am knee deep in this as well. Dad passed away at Christmas, 93 years old. Mom is 90. FIL is 88 and MIL in poor health is 86. Two things not mentioned need to be addressed. First is a General Power of Attorney. The second is a Health Care POA. And as already said, start the conversation with your brothets and sisters.

[Hugh R]

My 84 y/o MIL lives with us. Has for the past four years. Not a burden, but a PIA. Never cleans up anything. My wife's four siblings who don't give a rats a$$ about her and don't visit, even though they all live within an hours drive ( two within 15 minutes). She has a rented underwater condo that barely has a renter covering costs. No assets, but she was worth about a mil 20 years ago and pissed it away on a Sister in law who kept bleeding her for $ so her daughters could run with some teenage Hollywood starlet crowd (now turning tricks on Santa Monica Blvd for all I know). Her Condo is co-owned by my wife's younger brother who handles her finances and is about to have her go BK. At 84 she doesn't need credit and her debts are huge. Like $50,000 in CC debt, and no way to repay them. She won't do a will, but I don't really care, she has nothing.

Both my Mom and Dad died in their 60's about 20 years ago.

[recycled sixtie]

Originally Posted by Hugh R

My 84 y/o MIL lives with us. Has for the past four years. Not a burden, but a PIA. Never cleans up anything. My wife's four siblings who don't give a rats a$$ about her and don't visit, even though they all live within an hours drive ( two within 15 minutes). She has a rented underwater condo that barely has a renter covering costs. No assets, but she was worth about a mil 20 years ago and pissed it away on a Sister in law who kept bleeding her for $ so her daughters could run with some teenage Hollywood starlet crowd (now turning tricks on Santa Monica Blvd for all I know). Her Condo is co-owned by my wife's younger brother who handles her finances and is about to have her go BK. At 84 she doesn't need credit and her debts are huge. Like $50,000 in CC debt, and no way to repay them. She won't do a will, but I don't really care, she has nothing.

Both my Mom and Dad died in their 60's about 20 years ago.

Well Hugh you sound like a saint. Hang in there.

[mossguy]

Originally Posted by recycled sixtie

Well Hugh you sound like a saint. Hang in there.

I agree. It certainly sounds like you are doing more than your fair share!

[Hugh R]

Recycled and Moss,

I know both of you are older, I'm 58 but yeah it annoys me. My kids are finally out of the house and I have to deal with this. I ask her others kids to take her out for brunch once a month and it falls on deaf hears. I mean four siblings once a month equals three times per year each and they can't even do that. They all live within an hour drive. They all say they will support her when she has to go in a "home" but based on their past history I have my doubts.

[vash]

hugh..is your MIL at least nice? so she is a mess..is she a tough lady to get along with?

what about your wife? she must think you are a saint! i do. does the MIL appreciate you and your wife's actions? not that we do thing we do for gratitude..

but the other siblings never pull you aside and tell you or your wife..thanks?

crazy. i am not holding out much hope for my siblings. i dont know what my mom's money situation is like. not my place to ask..but i pay some of her bills, put her on my cell phone plan, etc. when we all go out to eat, sometimes my siblings forget that we are all adults, and will actually wait for my mom to grab the check..crazy. but things are slowly changing now that my stepdad passed. my siblings are starting to step up.

[jyl]

Ha ha. Four units about to hit the market in the senior community where we bought the condo for my MIL. We're dropping the price and are already at the border of losing money. Fun stuff!

[paulgtr]

caring for parents in their twilight years? should start with some for of Long term care savings plan. for your self too. so you don't wind up at the mercy of a state agency that won't take your best interests into consideration.

[JavaBrewer]

I envy those here who have the chance to care for their parents. I am an only child with parents who are in their low 80's who have become stubborn and hostile. They are, by choice, alone and angry at me...their grandchildren...the world. They sit on a sizable $ estate and will do their best to ensure not a single soul benefits from it.

Sorry didn't want to piss on this thread but it hit the jealous trigger for me. Count your blessings.

[paulgtr]

that's a bummer David

[fanaudical]

Great thread. I'm at the beginning of this road with my mom. She's old-school European and doesn't want to discuss any kind of planning. What have others done to get their parents to open up and talk?

David - It sounds like you're in a tough spot. I hope things work out.

[Rick Lee]

My GM turns 90 in a few weeks and my aunt has been "borrowing" money against her inheritance and will never pay a dime back. My mom will end up managing what's left of the estate and she will get nothing. It's going to be a mess. Fortunately, my folks have already named me as a trustee, given me all the paperwork and are pretty well off and comfortable with taking my advice..... so far.