I've been trying to follow all this as a point of interest 'cause I don't have any kids and never wanted any. Me and my brother would look at each other when our parents fought and said to each other routinely since we were around 10 yrs old "This is nuts. I'm never gonna have any kids" Neither of us are fathers.
But........ I ran into this female many years ago who my friend brought to our rented house at 4 am. He brought one he would occasionally party with and her girl friend. In 15 minutes we hooked up. Then I found out she was going through divorce and had a 1 and a 10 yr boys and my pact with my brother entered my mind first thing. Needless to say we stayed together for a little over 4 years.
My work hours were convoluted and could happen at any time day or night. She had a day job. The little one soon became another appendage to my German Shep as soon as he stopped crapping. The scene was a bit different than a father son as i had no responsibilities and the mother would do anything to keep me around and clean up any mess we made. The freedom of that was wild on occasion as whatever i could dream up she went along with and kept her mouth shut as she cleaned up. The kid's first foray into the tub alone brought screaming and crying. "Let me try." Out comes an open plastic bottle of honey. He stopped crying and started playing with the honey and made the obvious mess etc etc. If he started crying at night i got up, dressed him and we took the dog out at all hours for a 1/2 hour. My favorite way of dressing him was in a full length snow suit 9 months of the year. The dog went in the back of the car and i grabbed his suit around the chest area and tossed him in the front seat. He wouldn't stop doing anything he was involved in as being tossed around by a sack, though gently by me, was a way of life. The stories are endless as the dog was a protective barker and was always in junk yard dog mode while the kid screamed at him to "shut-up". I taught the dog to obey him as the dog looked at me when the scene happened. As far as the kid knew he was in control. All 3 of us hung around together for years. When i was with another friend or friends the dog and kid hung together close by and had their own scene.
So..... to sum up
After the split with his mom i lost touch with him when she hooked up with another guy except for an occasional 10 minute meet. It was difficult to be with him for over 25 years. Then a few years ago I started hanging with him again. He's 35, married and has 2 kids. His memory of what we did together amazes me. He has off-beat nuances and attitudes he could only have gotten from me. I have married female friends with kids that comment that he never could have become what he is now without me, being how screwed up his home life was growing up. That and other positive comments never entered my mind.
The point is that every case of kids and parents is different and we do what's best, hopefully. The other point is that if it's a male kid the father presence is priceless. The mother's role is a little more than loving utility as the role model is the adult male that carves out survival attitudes when the kid is impressionable and lasts forever.
I had to relearn how to be together with him and learn not to be to heavy as the leader when we're doing projects together as this once a time kid is a mature adult. And what's interesting is being how he wasn't with me for so long my current world doesn't know of him. He's a huge 6'2" Irish-Polack and built like a brick s[]!!t house and I'm only 5'8". Our interaction and his junk yard dog protection act causes my people to wonder "What the f--- is going on". I don't tell our past and only briefly introduce him.
You must do the best you can, have endless patience, and stop the world for him when necessary, and be the alpha male to dial him in. It's also a good idea to keep a nanny around to clean up any mess while keeping her mouth shut.
There is no book method. If you're dogmatic on how it's done, you're the one screwed up
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