Question for those with step children

[scottmandue]

A little back-story... met my now wife three years ago, I was 53 she was 46 (cradle robber!) her daughter was 15 at the time, they were two years living on their own one year divorced. She lives in Portland OR. I live in Lost Angeles, long story short we have decided to let the daughter finish high school up there (Beaverton) because she is 4.0 GPA doesn't drink, smoke, do drugs, or go out with boys.

Now before we got married we talked extensively about everything, sex, money, who would be responsible for what duties (and that we would live apart until the daughter went off to college) so we would have a solid foundation for marriage.

I post a few weeks ago about my step daughter... Seahawk wisely commented "she is not your step daughter, she is your daughter"
And I agree, I would die for her... I put her in my will...
However this is extremely weird... four years ago I was a single never married middle age guy with a house that pretty much did whatever I wanted whenever I wanted.

Now I have this little person... that I hardly know... that I would do anything for.

To make things even more strange... her dad is around... they spend every other weekend together.

Moving into a teens life at 15 I never expected that I would be a big deal to her... pretty much figured I would play along until she went off to college... now they are flying down in August to look at universities, my wife was all "the two of us will go... you don't need to come along.. it will be a mother daughter bonding thing" I suggested that I could come along and help with driving... wife did not have high hopes but said she would ask her... she said "sure"
You could knock us over with a feather.

All that to ask, do you refer to your step children as such or just son/daughter?

[Seahawk]

Originally Posted by scottmandue

To make things even more strange... her dad is around... they spend every other weekend together.

Moving into a teens life at 15 I never expected that I would be a big deal to her... pretty much figured I would play along until she went off to college... now they are flying down in August to look at universities, my wife was all "the two of us will go... you don't need to come along.. it will be a mother daughter bonding thing" I suggested that I could come along and help with driving... wife did not have high hopes but said she would ask her... she said "sure"
You could knock us over with a feather.

Who is excluding whom, from what? If your daughter wants to be just with mom, roll with it. If she wants dad there, roll with it, etc. Excluding you is not an issue, especially at her age.

Who will go the distance? They'll find out, like the Eagles, in the long run. Start jogging

Hang in there...parents and childrens relationships are not build in a day.

[nostatic]

Originally Posted by scottmandue

All that to ask, do you refer to your step children as such or just son/daughter?

though not married, my g/f and I have been together for 4 years. She refers to my son as Calvin

[Rick Lee]

We need pics.

Sorry, someone had to say it.

[stomachmonkey]

I have step sisters.

I call them my sisters.

I call my step dad my dad, at least now, there was a time 30+ years ago I called him edited-Zman.

He calls me his son, he calls my children his grandchildren, they call him grandpa.

Paul gave you good advice, nothing to add.

[Instrument 41]

We been married 2 years. She has 2 boys 14 and 19 and mine are 16 and 17. One can wax emotional about the utopia of a blended family and all thats seems so dreamy. Reality is that she is your step and you are a step. You will NEVER take the place of her father, regardless of how much of a piece of crap that he may be, my situation. I know its hard to be invested in her life and then she may want only her dad to consult with. Thats the life of a step parent. If she wants you to go, AND it won't make things uncomfortable for her with all 3 of you there then by all means go for it. But, keep in mind how she would feel, regardless of what she says. my 2 cents from a step with 2 steps

[craigster59]

Whenever someone prefaces with "step", I always feel like there is some friction or animosity in the relationship.

[scottmandue]

Originally Posted by Seahawk

Who is excluding whom, from what? If your daughter wants to be just with mom, roll with it. If she wants dad there, roll with it, etc. Excluding you is not an issue, especially at her age.

That is the strange thing... my wife has been pushing for me and daugther to get to know each other... but now we are down to the last year of high school (wife) is getting more possessive and it was her idea that this trip would be a "mother daughter bonding" thing. It wasn't until the daugther gave the OK the the wife got on the bandwagon.

Originally Posted by Seahawk

Hang in there... parents and childrens relationships are not build in a day.

True dat!

[red-beard]

Originally Posted by nostatic

though not married, my g/f and I have been together for 4 years. She refers to my son as Calvin

+1

I called my Step-daughter Erin

[nostatic]

Originally Posted by scottmandue

That is the strange thing... my wife has been pushing for me and daugther to get to know each other... but now we are down to the last year of high school (wife) is getting more possessive and it was her idea that this trip would be a "mother daughter bonding" thing. It wasn't until the daugther gave the OK the the wife got on the bandwagon.

What part of crazy did you not understand before getting married?

Par for the course. I'd lay up from the lie, but if you want to try to carry the green go for it.

[KevinP73]

I don't call them "step daughters" nor do they call me "step dad" . Lately I have been referred to as a "rescue dad" though.

[scottmandue]

Originally Posted by red-beard

I called my Step-daughter Erin

Which is odd because her name is Dorthy

I call mine Kylie... however what about introductions? We are going to be driving all over Calif. touring universities... I'm fine with "hello I'm Scott and this is my wife and daughter"

Like I said, I have been a lone wolf my whole life and I'm not familiar with the intricacies of the blended family.

[Seahawk]

Originally Posted by scottmandue

We are going to be driving all over Calif. touring universities... I'm fine with "hello I'm Scott and this is my wife and daughter"

Hang on: You are going on the tour with your daughter? She, the daughter WANTED you around, but MOM didn't?

Learn to be clear, man.

[nostatic]

more denial than lack of clarity

[scottmandue]

Originally Posted by Seahawk

Hang on: You are going on the tour with your daughter? She, the daughter WANTED you around, but MOM didn't?

Learn to be clear, man.

Mom wanted it to be just the two of them... her little girl is growing up and moving out in a year to go to college so mom wants to spend as much time with her as possible.

They are driving from L.A. to Sacramento to visit Davis, 400 miles away (and Santa Barbara along the way). I wasn't wild about the idea of them doing it alone.
She asked the daughter if it was ok if I go along... daughter said "sure".

So the three of us are going... but not like the daughter invited me but she is ok with me going. Mom likes the idea of having me along to help with the driving but is getting a little clingy with her daughter.

[Seahawk]

Originally Posted by scottmandue

Mom wanted it to be just the two of them... her little girl is growing up and moving out in a year to go to college so mom wants to spend as much time with her as possible.

They are driving from L.A. to Sacramento to visit Davis, 400 miles away (and Santa Barbara along the way). I wasn't wild about the idea of them doing it alone.
She asked the daughter if it was ok if I go along... daughter said "sure".

So the three of us are going... but not like the daughter invited me but she is ok with me going. Mom likes the idea of having me alone but is getting a little clingy with her daughter.

Shut up and drive.

Dude, you are golden...they have let you enter the mom/daughter zone. Except for the the driving part, you are a passenger.

Well done.

I am not kidding.

[KevinP73]

Originally Posted by Seahawk

Shut up and drive.

Dude, you are golden...they have let you enter the mom/daughter zone. Except for the the driving part, you are a passenger.

Well done.

I am not kidding.

Couldn't agree more. Drive the car, carry thier bags and you'll be elevated to Hero status before you get home.

[aap1966]

Originally Posted by scottmandue

That is the strange thing... my wife has been pushing for me and daugther to get to know each other... but now we are down to the last year of high school (wife) is getting more possessive and it was her idea that this trip would be a "mother daughter bonding" thing. It wasn't until the daugther gave the OK the the wife got on the bandwagon.

Your wife is panicing about "her baby" leaving home. She's not trying to exclude you, she's trying to hang onto every last moment with the child before the "child" is gone and an adult takes it's place.
Not rational, but panic rarely is.

[scottmandue]

Originally Posted by aap1966

Your wife is panicing about "her baby" leaving home. She's not trying to exclude you, she's trying to hang onto every last moment with the child before the "child" is gone and an adult takes it's place.
Not rational, but panic rarely is.

Zactly!

Now next years trip to Orlando to see Harry Potter... they can have that to themselves.

Weird enough to go from middle age bachelor dude... to husband... and now to father... freaking me out a little.

Just to add, her blood father is very quite stoic type... not very demonstrative... daughter takes after him. So for her to say "sure" when asked if I could join them is major.

[Mark Henry]

My wife calls her step-dad "Dad".
She calls her real dad the "sperm donor".