Need advice. Good friends are splitting up...

[KaptKaos]

This is a first for us. We have close friends that are splitting up. I don't know the reasons yet, but they just let me know. They're in their late 40s, and have a young daughter.

I'm sad about it and really don't know what to do. I could use some advice from those that have been there.

TIA

[Danny_Ocean]

Is the "wife" friend hot?

[lisa_spyder]

Been through this too.

A very close friend whom I have known since primary school (1972 to be precise) spilt with her husband (who I introduced her to in 1983) last year. Both are godparents to two of our three children as well. They have two gorgeous girls 21 and 18 yo. Both seem to have taken their Dad's side in all of this; which I think is a shame (that they felt they had to take sides at all).

I/we try to stay in contact with both of them. I have been a shoulder to each when necessary; but they are both conscious of not running the other one down to me or Mike as we have been upfront by saying they are still BOTH our friends and most importantly are still BOTH godparents to the kids.

I listen...and don't comment much...I just give them an ear when needed. The kids (14 and 12) give them both lots of cuddles and fuss when they see either of them and I think that helps. We don't hide when have seen the other party either.

And we're not in a position to judge what happened...one just grew apart from the other and morphed into a different person. He is simply broken hearted and confused; she on the other hand is building a new life. Like I said - we just listen and don't comment much. I love them both very much - nothing is going to change that.

[genrex]

Have they tried couples therapy?

Couples therapy is usually not covered by insurance, but some social-services agencies (or Lutheran Community Services, Catholic Community Services, other churches) might offer it for free.

Might call it "family therapy" to get it covered by insurance?

[KaptKaos]

This is all news to me. I felt something wasn't right, but didn't expect this.

@Lisa - thanks for the input. I can imagine that's been difficult.

@genrex - dunno what they have tried. I haven't gotten there yet to ask. I've been left speechless, which is almost impossible.

@Danny - fu(k off

[Geronimo '74]

Originally Posted by KaptKaos

I'm sad about it and really don't know what to do. I could use some advice from those that have been there.
TIA

Nice of you to be so affected by their ordeal. Although a happy marriage is what one should hope for, I don't think I'd be bothered with it as much as you.

"What? You're splitting up? That's a shame,dude... If you want to talk about it, lemme know."

That's where it would end for me. People split up all the time.
Does that make me a bad person or insensitive, I dunno. This doesn't rank very high on the list of major life issues, IMO.

I think all you can do is be there for them when they need you.

[livi]

Sorry to hear this. Make sure you do not shut neither of them out. The common theme is for one in a party to lose most of the former friends. Not good.

[Dottore]

My experience has been that if there is great acrimony in the split, it will be virtually impossible to remain friends with both parties. You will have to takes sides.

The friend of my enemy is my enemy...and all that.

[DARISC]

Had a number of friends split up over the years. Been saddened by it and been happy for one or the other or both. Been there done that twice myself. Was saddened by the first divorce, overjoyed by the second one. Kept friends, lost friends in both cases.

I've remained friends with both, sided with one or the other and became enemies with one or the other, on a couple of occasions both when I opened my yap and tried to offer an objective counseling to both, thinking I might help them change their minds and work it out (don' do that no mo).

Back in college a couple in our circle of friends split up. Some of us guys were sitting around BSing and Steve says, Peggy and I are getting a divorce. We all sat there, a bit stunned. Then wise ass, insensitive, bachelor Mike blurts out, Hey, that's what ya get for gettin' married! Not cool but poor forlorn Steve was the first one of us to crack up laughing.

[Scuba Steve]

Originally Posted by Dottore

My experience has been that if there is great acrimony in the split, it will be virtually impossible to remain friends with both parties. You will have to takes sides.

The friend of my enemy is my enemy...and all that.

I agree. Once a person in a situation like a divorce gets to a certain point they'll vent endlessly about the situation. It's nearly impossible to stay impartial when both sides are at it. Opinions become formed, and one side becomes the favorite or it's too difficult to hear it from both parties so it becomes best to cut ties with both.

[GH85Carrera]

There is just no way to know how acrimonious the divorce will be. If one of the spouses was caught cheating then it can be very nasty. If they just lost interest in each other but have no hate of the other it can be OK. One of my buddies still keeps in touch with his ex. He just helped her move into a new place and they have been divorced for two years. If you saw them together you would think that were old friends.

The advice offered so far is sound. Remain friends with both of them.

[legion]

Dealt with this about two years ago when my best friend and his wife split up. Previously, they came and stayed with us about a weekend a month, and we'd go on a week-long vacation together about once a year.

They had started dating at 17 and at 30 wanted different things in life. He wanted to pursue a career in video games (he had been getting calls from head-hunters). She wanted to live no further than 5 miles from her parents and wanted to be falling-down drunk every night.

They actually told me about their intention to divorce a year earlier. I convinced them to try counseling, which they did for a short while before the wife gave up and went back to the bottle. When it came down to a decision between his dream job in California and staying around for his alcoholic, codependent-on-her-enabling-parents wife, he chose to leave. I think because we knew about her problems, she was too ashamed to try to remain friends with us. The first hint we got that papers had been filed was when she un-friended my wife and I on Facebook.

So now, our friends we used to spend a weekend with a month are gone. She won't speak to us, he lives in California.

[KaptKaos]

Thanks all for your help. It's going to be a bumpy road.

Did anyone have any issues explaining to young-ish children (just under 10) why their friend's parents aren't married anymore? This will be a first for us.

Thanks.

[nostatic]

Just tell them a non-detailed version of the truth. Divorce isn't a scarlet "D" or anything, and odds are they already know kids with divorced parents in school. They don't need to know any gory details, just that they have decided that they don't want to live together any more. Beyond that it depends on the details of the breakup. I had to explain it to my own son (he was 8). Kids are both perceptive and resilient. Whether or not it is traumatic depends totally on you. They'll take their cue from you. If you're all freaked out about it then they will be too. If you're calm and matter of fact, they will be too.

[kaisen]

Originally Posted by nostatic

Just tell them a non-detailed version of the truth. Divorce isn't a scarlet "D" or anything, and odds are they already know kids with divorced parents in school. They don't need to know any gory details, just that they have decided that they don't want to live together any more. Beyond that it depends on the details of the breakup. I had to explain it to my own son (he was 8). Kids are both perceptive and resilient. Whether or not it is traumatic depends totally on you. They'll take their cue from you. If you're all freaked out about it then they will be too. If you're calm and matter of fact, they will be too.

Todd is absolutely, positively, 100% correct here. Well put

[doug_porsche]

Unfortunately I have found in this case there is no correct answer. I just try to be wrong as little as possible.

I have found that the "Bar tender therapist" mentality worked best for me. No this does not mean go drink the problem away! It means act like a bar tender; Let them BOTH know you are there for them and Listen 99% of the time and have an opinion 1% of the time (and generally I keep that opinion to myself).

Sort of reminds me of the saying "there are two ways to argue with a woman; neither one works"

[Seahawk]

Originally Posted by kaisen

Todd is absolutely, positively, 100% correct here. Well put

From what I have witnessed, better to divorce when the kids are young...teenagers don't take cues from Mom and Dad.

For the OP: The right answer is just simply pay attention and don't pick a side, the couple will do that for you.

[vash]

i think there is a rule. you need to be on the "original" friend's side.

the other person is now the enemy

i am just kidding, but i have a great female friend. i met her thru my wife. she told me flat out.."you guys divorce, i am on her side"..i

i wish your friends the best. a smooth transition.

[Por_sha911]

Originally Posted by lisa_spyder

I listen...and don't comment much...I just give them an ear when needed.

+100

Remember that there are 3 sides to every story.
His
Hers
What really happened.

It is so hard to listen and not comment but that is what they need most; someone who loves them unconditionally and is willing to let them puke on you as they pour out all the hurt, frustration, confusion, and uncertainty.

Each party will want you to agree that they are right. Tell them you are always available to listen but you cannot decide who is right; that is for the two of them to work out themselves. When someone tries to corner you into their side, just tell them you love them both and want whats best for everyone.

[azasadny]

We've had almost all of our friends divorce over the past few years and it never ends well. You will lose one or both of them as friends and the one who remains will try to get you to see "their side". Horrible, simply horrible...