Warning, bit of a rambling vent.

[stomachmonkey]

My daughter is 11, middle school this year. My wife and I have been preparing her for all the joys that come along with it, cliques, peer pressure, general social issues etc.....

For the last 3 years she has been in an International Team competition called Destination Imagination. Each year her team did better than the year before. Her elementary school is only 3 years old and the 1st trophy in their case was won by my daughters team. The team contributed 2 more trophies and last year made it all the way to State finals which is a pretty big deal.

Couple of weeks ago one of the two team leaders, (they are all volunteer parents) mentioned to my wife that she was considering "shaking things up" by rearranging the team and wanted to know if my daughter would consider being on another team. My wife caught of guard replied that "Arden would love to be on any team".

Last night we found out that team leader 1 has limited her team to 4 kids, down from 6, (4 girls, 2 boys) the other team leader is running her own team and wants to do an all boy team.

Apparently my daughter is being replaced on the "girls" team by our next door neighbor who has no experience in the competition and is best friends with the team leaders daughter.

So there is no room there for my daughter who is now on a waiting list hoping that another parent volunteers to lead another team.

My wife is pissed, she feels our daughter was bumped off a team that she has been on for 3 years just so the neighbors kid could join.

My daughter was crushed.

I'm all over the fence.

My feeling is if they don't want her on their team then I don't want her to be on that team.

As much as we don't like what has happened the team leaders have every right to determine the make up of their team.

This is life, things like this happen to us all the time.

Sucks but it is what it is, a lesson in real life.

But I am pissed at how it was handled. I feel like the team leader purposely gave my wife the impression that our daughter might be on a different team which would have been OK. Meaning she would still be participating, just on another team. Not that there was a chance that she would have to sit out completely.

One part of me wants to confront the team leader but really what would it resolve. Force her to put my daughter on the team where she is apparently not welcome?

Just let it go and not fight for my daughter? Tough for me to do but again what is there to gain from it.

Maybe for me what it really comes down to is if there was an issue with my daughter and the team, personality conflict, contribution, whatever then it should have been addressed with us.

This is a team competition, part of it is to build team skills, leadership, co-operation, conflict resolution.

If it's really nothing more than her daughter is better friends with the neighbors kid then I think as a team leader she failed.

So maybe I need to speak with her for no other reason than determining why.

Rant off, feel better, thanks.

[masraum]

Wow, sucks. Good luck.

[widgeon13]

Very unfortunate, the parents are clearly teaching their child the wrong rules to live by. I feel sorry for your daughter but she is learning the hard lessons of life at and early age, probably will serve her well especially if mom and dad present it in the proper light.

[dhoward]

Welcome to the new corporate america.

[M.D. Holloway]

Scott, we are going through a similar situation with Football and Soccer! Our son feels he should be playing up but isn;t because of politics and our daughter is caught in a strange politic with the select soccer organization and her various friends that are not friends with each other. Its very complicated!


I know what your going through. Please, if you ever see us out and about and you bring up these things to Lisa, be prepatred to have her talk your ears off about how shyty certain parents are and how they only think of themselves and how they all are just looking to relive their teens and how they want to only brag about their kids on FB and blah blah blah...

I agree with you though, nothing can KCUF up a situation worse than a parent getting overally involved with the intentions of 'helping' their kid.

[BlueSkyJaunte]

Methinks the team leader needs a punch in the taint.

[nostatic]

Originally Posted by stomachmonkey

So there is no room there for my daughter who is now on a waiting list hoping that another parent volunteers to lead another team. .

Can you volunteer?

If not, then it is, in the grand scheme of things, a fairly tame lesson on the reality of dealing with others. We live in a world of haves/have-nots, cliques, politics, and other nonsense. We can react to it in many ways. In this case, seems you can either take the bull by the horns and lead a team if it is that important, or find something else for your daughter to be involved with. The reality is that there are tons of things that kids can do, and imho some of the less structured ones can have the greatest benefit.

[Por_sha911]

Forgive and remember. Tell the team leader and your neighbor's parents that they demonstrated to your daughter the hard cold reality of favoritism versus productivity. Don't trust them in the future - they have shown their true colors.
Its sad but your daughter will become a wiser person for learning the ugly truth of how the real world works.

[Paul_Heery]

Since your daughter has done so well in the past, try to contact Destination Imagination directly and see if she can participate as a volunteer. I see from their website that they have a volunteer position as an Appraiser that "watch team presentations and then award points according to established scoring rubrics at Tournaments." As she has participated three years running, she is probably well qualified.

[madmmac]

I have been involved with Destination Imagination(DI) as a parent, Team Manager and the last 4 years as an Appraiser at both the Regional and State competitions.

The Team Leaders as you call them are doing a great disservice to the spirit and intention of the DI program. The team itself needs to make all the decisions as directed by DI rules, not the Team Leaders.

Team Managers facilitate, not decide.

My kids made it to the World Finals 3 times. It is truly an event to not be missed.

If you have the time, start another team. You will not regret it, no matter where the team places. It is the journey, not the destination.

[Heel n Toe]

Why not ask "team leader 1" if your daughter could join them because there isn't another team for her to be on.

She might say yes. First, it might be a good idea to ask your daughter if she wants to be on that team given what has transpired.

If you don't at least check, don't be surprised if team leader 1's four-member limitation changes at some point if one of the members decides she has a new BFF she'd like to invite.

[stomachmonkey]

Originally Posted by madmmac

I have been involved with Destination Imagination(DI) as a parent, Team Manager and the last 4 years as an Appraiser at both the Regional and State competitions.

The Team Leaders as you call them are doing a great disservice to the spirit and intention of the DI program. The team itself needs to make all the decisions as directed by DI rules, not the Team Leaders.

Team Managers facilitate, not decide.

My kids made it to the World Finals 3 times. It is truly an event to not be missed.

If you have the time, start another team. You will not regret it, no matter where the team places. It is the journey, not the destination.

Ahh, so you know what a great program it is.

My problem is I don't really know if it was her teammates that came to the decision or the Team Leaders. I have my suspicions.

If it was the team then when was the discussion had? Obviously my daughter was not part of the discussion or part of the decision.

Unless they are getting around the rules, spirit, by basically starting two new, smaller, teams so the original one just went away.

There is a prior team leader that is considering doing it again this year but they have not made a final decision. If she returns my daughter will have a team.

Told my wife last night that if she does not return I would step up.

My wife helped run a team a few years ago and she thinks more dads need to be involved as leaders but also did warn me that it is a huge time commitment that may be difficult considering my schedule.

Probably why at least in my neck of the woods it's the stay at home moms who are the team leaders.

We'll see, where there's a will......

[sammyg2]

Start your own team. Your rules, problem solved.

[jyl]

There is a life lesson (life is unpredictable and unfair) but there is another one available (don't be a victim, make the best of unexpected events, improvise smartly).

If the program is really great (I don't know anything about it), and your or your wife have time, then starting a team is a real alternative.

Or, taking that time committment and spending it with your daughter doing some other activity(ies) - learning a sport or a language together, taking classes in something together, backpacking trips together, etc - is also a real alternative.

I'd sit down with wife and daughter and decide, mainly letting your daughter choose.

She's done this 3 years running, it sounds like, maybe it is time to do something else. I wouldn't form a team and do all that work just for spite or pride, if there's nothing really to be gained by a 4th year.

[jyl]

Oh BTW, middle school seems to really suck for many girls. The nasty, cliquey, whispering, knife-bearing aspect of the fairer sex bursts forth. I'm not sure it gets better in high school.

My daughter did not particularly like middle school. One thing she learned was a keen assessment of the character of people, and a determination to associate only with people that she determines to be "genuinely good" people, regardless of their popularity or otherwise.

Some form of that would be an important lesson for her to learn from this.

[stomachmonkey]

Originally Posted by sammyg2

Start your own team. Your rules, problem solved.

Originally Posted by jyl

There is a life lesson (life is unpredictable and unfair) but there is another one available (don't be a victim, make the best of unexpected events, improvise smartly).

If the program is really great (I don't know anything about it), and your or your wife have time, then starting a team is a real alternative.

Or, taking that time committment and spending it with your daughter doing some other activity(ies) - learning a sport or a language together, taking classes in something together, backpacking trips together, etc - is also a real alternative.

I'd sit down with wife and daughter and decide, mainly letting your daughter choose.

She's done this 3 years running, it sounds like, maybe it is time to do something else. I wouldn't form a team and do all that work just for spite or pride, if there's nothing really to be gained by a 4th year.

I told the wife last night I'd consider doing it.

The problem is not having the time it's having the time when I would need to have it.

The teams get together several times a week for at least an hour to rehearse, plan, do research etc...

Most of these kids have fairly busy schedules. My daughter has soccer practice 2x's a week, religion school once a week, piano lessons, Soccer games on Saturdays and Sunday School.

The kids who get involved with DI tend to be involved in a lot of stuff, by choice.

Sure my daughter could give up Soccer but that still does not mean the other kids schedules can be adjusted to accommodate the required team meetings.

The team meetings/practices typically take place right after the school day and before any other commitments. It's one of the primary reasons, at least in my area, that Team Managers are stay at home moms. They are the only ones who have the available time.

If I could put together a team of kids who can meet around my work schedule I'll do it

Arden has done 3 years and loves it. She can handle not being on her old team, it's not getting to participate in DI that has her upset.

Last year when they lost at State the team was in tears, but not her. When we asked her if she was upset she said, "nope, we made it to State, that's a pretty big accomplishment and I'm proud of it"

There is a lot of benefit that comes out of it not to mention chances at College scholarships.

Think of it as team sports for Creative Thinkers.

[1990C4S]

Sometimes as parents we do what we think should be done, what makes us feel like we have sought appropriate revenge. Perhaps you should ask your daughter what she would like you to do. You say she is crushed, but you don't follow up with her thoughts on the matter.

Life is full of little people who like to be manipulative and unfair. they are in politics, in the workplace, even in volunteer organizations. Dealing with them is a valuable life lesson. Perhaps this is a chance for your daughter to learn more than she would have had she stayed on the team.

[stomachmonkey]

Originally Posted by jyl

Oh BTW, middle school seems to really suck for many girls. The nasty, cliquey, whispering, knife-bearing aspect of the fairer sex bursts forth. I'm not sure it gets better in high school.

My daughter did not particularly like middle school. One thing she learned was a keen assessment of the character of people, and a determination to associate only with people that she determines to be "genuinely good" people, regardless of their popularity or otherwise.

Some form of that would be an important lesson for her to learn from this.

Xactly, we have been trying to prepare her for it and this appears on the face of it to be the first of what I'm sure will be many times we have to deal with it.

Naively I figured it would take longer than the first week of school

[madmmac]

I have found the longer the kids are in the program, the better they can handle the time and use it more wisely.

My last team got creative and broke things out into groups, script writing, costume making, set building and such. They met as an entire team at least once or twice a week though to go over things and to make their decisions going forward. Ok'ing or working on things together as needed. These kids were middle schoolers. They got calenders out at the beginning of each month and everybody marked their schedules on it and they worked off of that. They worked and practiced out of one of the parents unused and heated garages.

You can have 2 Team Managers. I nominate you and your wife!! The bad thing is when it comes to competition time, only one of you can go into the Instant Challenge room.

If you and your wife step up, always have 3-4 Instant Challenges ready everytime they meet, it will pay off huge latter on and the kids will look forward to it. Pick your Side Trips wisely.

[stomachmonkey]

Originally Posted by 1990C4S

....You say she is crushed, but you don't follow up with her thoughts on the matter....

I know I was a bit rambling.

She is not as upset about her old team as she is about the possibility of not being a part of the program.

My post was more about trying to wrap my head around how I feel about how this went down.

This is my daughter, like any parent I am likely to kill you if you hurt my kids.

So I'm reacting to that.

But I also understand the dynamics at work here and that any discussion is not likely to result in me coming away feeling satisfied, more than likely I'll just be more pissed off.

I've learned thru sometimes painful experience that when my urge to react immediately is strongest I'm best off taking the time to really think it thru.