Pelicans, when do you write off a freind?

willtel · 04:18 PM

I'm curious what you guys have to say about this, sorry for the wall of text.

A few years ago I proposed to my girlfriend and set the ball in motion for a wedding in England. I know that international travel is a pain, especially when you don't get to pick the destination or date so I kept my side of the guest list small. 4 people not including some immediate family members. Out of that 4 I only really expected 2 to be able to make it, the other invitations were basically sent as a polite gesture and as expected they declined.

The other 2 accepted. One friend lost his job about 3 months before the wedding so I took him aside and told him flatly that I would cover the cost of his trip or that he could simply not attend but I didn't want him spending his savings or assuming debt to come to my wedding. He declined my offer (too proud) and let us know that he had to cancel. No problem, and the disappointing news was delivered in person.

The second friend is what led me to this post. He and his wife sent their RSVP stating that they would be able to come. Great news. We had dinner together a few times leading up to the date and they seemed genuinely excited about the trip and the sites they would be able to see while they were there. I should preface this by saying that this guy has a long standing reputation of being a flake. There have been many times I had made extensive plans for camping and mountain biking trips out of state only for him to cancel last minute. As the date drew nearer for our wedding my wife grew concerned as they hadn't booked a flight and didn't make any reservations with the hotel we had for our guests. She urged me to call them but I assured her that everything would be fine.

The last time I spoke to him was about a month before the wedding and he told me that had some date shifting because of work but they would be there. In the end they didn't show up. No phone call to let us know, not even an email. Hell, he didn't even bother to call on the day of the ceremony or after we got back to the US. Nothing. After the wedding my wife told me he had agreed to speak briefly at the reception on my behalf. Not really a best man speech as we were the only ones in the wedding party but just a few words.

That sealed the deal for me and I decided to just end it. I got a few calls and emails as time passed but I never bothered to reply. I've know this guy half of my life and we had some great times together but I felt as though we had a one sided relationship and without my efforts to maintain it that it would fail. Turns out I was right and as of last week I haven't spoken to him in 3 years.

So I suppose that leads me to my question. When do you decide that a friendship is no longer worth the effort and just give up? Am I the ahole in this situation? What would you have done?

stomachmonkey · 11-01-2011, 11:08 AM

When you are putting way more into it than you are getting out of it which sounds like the case here.

I have friends I don't speak to for a while but I know if I needed them they'd drop everything and come running without being asked.

That's my barometer.

Burnin' oil · 11-01-2011, 11:08 AM

I wonder why he had a reputation as a flake?

I would have done exactly what you did. One-sided relationships are a waste of time, effort and emotion.

Caferacer · 11-01-2011, 11:14 AM

Do you miss him? If you do, call him an a-hole, buy him a beer and be prepared for your wife to be ticked off at you. If you don't miss him...well then, you've already done what you need to do.

Hard-Deck · 11-01-2011, 11:14 AM

You're gauging and acting appropriately in my book.

porsche4life · porsche4life's Garage

Quote:

Originally Posted by stomachmonkey

When you are putting way more into it than you are getting out of it which sounds like the case here.

I have friends I don't speak to for a while but I know if I needed them they'd drop everything and come running without being asked.

That's my barometer.

Exactly, my old room mate I only see once, maybe twice a month, but when the chips are down I know he would be there if I needed him, and I would do the same for him.

One of the guys I was in scouts with, I am lucky to see a couple times a year anymore, but again, when the chips are down he'd come through.

MarkRobinson · 11-01-2011, 11:23 AM

I've had to write off best friend before: fellow Porschephile, lots in common. He married his found-again sweatheart & immediately began cheating on her, lying to his friends about it.

His lies got so bad that he turned his wife against myself (& my wife) for reasons still unknown to us: too much of life's crap to wade through to muddy it up further.

Hawktel · 11-01-2011, 11:31 AM

I never give up on a friend.

But some times I leave them alone for 5-10 years to see if they have evolved from previous stupid behavior.

cstreit · cstreit's Garage

Why don't you ask him first. You never know...

I've dropped a few "friends" when it occurred to me that they only called when they needed something.

Icemaster · Icemaster's Garage

You never write off a friend. What you describe isn't a friend.

No loss. Write him off, cut your losses and move on. Otherwise you're the abused spouse married to the alcoholic.

schamp · 01:41 PM

I think your good. Let him go. Some day he will show up and want something. That's when you will have to make a decision.
I had to let one go that was married to my wife's best friend. The wife ripped me off for 850.00. Talked to my friend and he confirmed but did nothing. In my book he broke the guy code by not making it right immediately. Both are not welcome here any longer. I hate it but if you can't trust someone to be in your house and not steal from you, you don't need them around.
Anyway, I suspect you are more concerned about this than he is.

nostatic · nostatic's Garage

I write them off when they can no longer spell the word "friend".

widgeon13 · 11-01-2011, 12:44 PM

If you knew the following statement was true why did you even invite him? You should have written him off a long time ago.

"I should preface this by saying that this guy has a long standing reputation of being a flake."

asphaltgambler · 11-01-2011, 12:46 PM

I have 'cut' quite a few over the last couple of years. My wife and I like to entertain at our house, appetizers, adult beverages, dinner, the whole deal. We enjoy preparing the meals, cooking and serving. We always try to have fun and go to (MO) great lengths to clean the house, buy the nicest cuts of meat or fish, have what people like to drink on hand, etc. So when our guests arrive they feel special.

When people do come over everyone says they had fun, awsum meal, etc. But it is never reciprocated. We entertain because we like to. It's how my parents did it and they enjoyed it as well. They formed really good long lasting friendships which were cemented with these parties. They are of the greatest generation.

I believe the friends I cut were lazy and cheap. These were not the sole reasons but over time - effin rude. Their loss...........

DanielDudley · 11-01-2011, 01:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by widgeon13

If you knew the following statement was true why did you even invite him? You should have written him off a long time ago.

"I should preface this by saying that this guy has a long standing reputation of being a flake."

Yup, You set yourself up. High expectations are really just premeditated resentments. You know what he is good for, and what he is not. Nothing has changed.

Joeaksa · 11-01-2011, 01:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hawktel

I never give up on a friend.

But some times I leave them alone for 5-10 years to see if they have evolved from previous stupid behavior.

Same here if they are a real friend. Sometimes they just need some time (like years) to get their head back on straight... but I would not put up with crap like this again.

RonDent · 11-01-2011, 02:49 PM

My rule is, I'll call you the first three times. After that, its up to you.

HHI944 · 11-01-2011, 03:15 PM

The last friend I wrote off was when I realized our entire relationship was based on her using me in every way she could.

sammyg2 · 11-01-2011, 03:25 PM

A friend is someone who cares about you and cares about your well-being, and versa visa.

If you have an acquaintance who does not have your best interest at heart, who doesn't really care about you or how you feel except when it's convenient for them, and is more concerned in what you can do for them instead of what they can do for you, then by definition they are no longer your friend and are just someone you know.

Flakes are not flakes by nature, they are flakes because they simply don't give a sheet about you. You are really not that important to him.

Say bye bye.

Zeke · 11-01-2011, 03:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by porsche4life

....................................

One of the guys I was in scouts with, I am lucky to see a couple times a year anymore, but again, when the chips are down he'd come through.

I wonder why that is. You know over time that will fade.

(Reading this thread reminded me of a flake, me. I owe a shirt to Sid.

)