as autumn moves to winter...

[nostatic]

It seems that every day I awake to news of someone passing. Of course death is part of life and no one gets out alive. But that intellectualization doesn't make things any easier.

Sometimes you don't see it coming, but other times you have warning, and time to prepare. I'm still not sure what exactly you do to prepare, but that's part of the journey.

My dad is 87 years old. About a month ago he was diagnosed with bladder cancer. He's actually been in not-great health for some time. He has had to self-cath since he was in his late 60's, and the last 5 years he's had a tough time with recurring infections, pain, etc. Part of it is age - it is cruel and unforgiving. And a harsh reminder of my own mortality (like I need those hints though...)

My dad is a member of the "greatest generation." Born in Detroit, he moved to San Diego in his early teens, and joined the Navy at age 16. He served as a corpsman in the Pacific, both on ship and during ground operations, attached to Marine units. Being tall and athletic, he was a "runner" - the guy who took the one-man stretcher out and brought guys back. He rarely talked about the war, in fact almost never saying a thing. About the only thing was that his tools were gauze and morphine. And being fleet of foot.

He came back when the war was over, turned down a re-enlistment offer to do further nuke testing, and came back to San Diego. He was offered a minor league baseball contract (pitcher) but injured his arm and decided instead to get married and settle down. He started at San Diego Gas and Electric as a meter reader, and then spent the next 40+ years working his way up to an exec. He never finished college - evidently he preferred playing pinocle to studying (so said my mom). He continued to play softball at AAA level, and also was a scratch golfer. By the time I came along he was in his mid 30's and had slowed a step but could still bring it. Oddly enough I ended up having my son arrive at the same age.

Fast forward to the late 90's. My mom started a long, slow descent from Parkinsons. My dad took care of her, mostly single-handed, for almost 10 years until she finally passed about 7 years ago. My dad ended up meeting someone 20 years his younger not too long after that, and they got married some years back. While I had my doubts, his new wife has taken great care of him and has been an advocate for him while dealing with Kaiser (and actually Kaiser has been pretty good). His health started failing a year or so ago, then the past few months he was having a very tough time with pain, infections, etc. They finally figured out the cancer but they still don't know full extent. I have assumed the worst but have tried to be supportive.

It is interesting to note the arc of my dad and his wife dealing with the decline. The desire to keep fighting is strong, but at some point I think a person just decides they've had enough. And in the end, nature wins as the body can only last so long.

My dad has been in and out of the hospital quite a few times of the past few months. Mostly due to dehydration from the various urinary and other infections. He's had tubes in him for well over a decade and that makes it hard to stay healthy. I've gone down to see him a few times in the past 6 months, and talk to him a couple of times a week. I noticed that his tenor changed in the last couple of weeks. I think he's getting near that "had enough" point.

I was supposed to take Calvin down to see him Saturday but he wasn't feeling up to a visit. He ended up back in the hospital Monday with another infection. My dad, who was 6'2" 175 most all his life, is now down to 131 pounds. The last time I was down and he was in the hospital we had to help him get dressed to go home. The three of us (his wife, myself, and my g/f who is another trooper of a woman) gently trying to get him changed and then up and around. You never expect to see your dad that way. At first it seems embarrassing - frail, naked, unable to accomplish the most basic tasks. But then you realize it is just autumn moving into the final winter.

I spoke with him today. At first he sounded more energetic on the phone (I'd called earlier and he wasn't up to talking). Then I started having trouble understanding what he was saying, then he forgot who he was talking to, asking about his old work friends.

He's still with us, but I know another corner has turned and time isn't on his side. It isn't on anyone's side. Hug your parents and kids and each other. We have a short spark of life - use it well.

[pwd72s]

Well written...because it came from the heart...

[genrex]

It has been a hard day. Your post at the end of this day is beautiful and very apropo. Thank you very much, Todd.

[artplumber]

Todd, enjoy every minute you can. Even though you may see it coming, it still is a shock when it happens.

[Hugh R]

Very thoughtful. Its obvious your admiration and respect for him. Its not appropriate for me to post about my Dad here, other than to say he was the smartest man I ever knew.

[E38Driver]

It sounds like your Dad was a very successful person in living his life. Enjoy the time you have left with him and tell him that I along with many others thank him for his service to our country.

Dave

[tevake]

Todd that was very well written and very fitting today, thanks.

Does your Dad have a tattoo on his arm of a spider and a 8ball?
My Dad also was a navy corpsman in ww2 and served with the marines in the pacific in many of the island campaigns there. He told us that all of the guys in his medic training unit got that tat,
and that few lived to see the end of the war. What are the chances?

Tell him when you see him next that there are some that have an idea what he went thru, and very much appreciate all that he did for his brothers in arms and for our country.

Also try to encourage your son to try to be there for his Grand Father. He will probably gain from the time with him as well.

Richard

[Bill Douglas]

Thanks Todd. Very nicely written, and yes it has been a hard day and a sad day.

[Dottore]

A powerful tribute Todd, and I thank you for it.

I wish you much strength and balance and good cheer in dealing with the days and weeks to come.

It's a hell of a thing, this end of days nonsense.

I lost my father two years ago, to an excruciating death from cancer. At the same time my mother slipped into the deep fog of dementia, where she remains, hanging on to life by the tips of her fingernails. My father-in-law—to whom I was very close—also died last year, unexpectedly, shortly followed by my favourite uncle.

I count 12 or 14 people as my very close friends. Four of them received a cancer diagnosis in the past year. I couldn't believe this news when it came in two week intervals....and then a couple of months later I received very my own cancer diagnosis at the tender age of 56.

Three of my four friends have recovered—as have I—at least for now—but one of them died.

I tell you, I am at the point where all this death is like a kind of parallel universe to the one I inhabit, and in which I function. And that is of course exactly what it is. It is out there. All the time. The other side of the coin. The other shore of the river of life.

I laugh about it sometimes, but it's still often a hollow kind of laugh. I firmly believe that laugh will get less and less hollow as the years pass on, and as the mystery and finality of death becomes increasingly familiar and commonplace.

My personal goal is to die laughing.

Stay strong.

[Bill Douglas]

I thought it was very odd when I was a child sitting with my grandparents one morning as they read the newspaper. My grandad reading the deaths section said in a voice that I can't quite explain, definitely not sad, but also not happy "Mavis has died." My grandmother said in a flat tone "Mavis?" as she read her section of the newspaper. Grandad replied "Mavis married to Jack!" Granmother "Oh Mavis" and talked about Mavis not in a manner that she'd just won lotto, but not upset either. at eight years old I was pretty upset and I hadn't even met Mavis.

It took me forty something years, I guess, but now I know that when people have completed their full cycle of life they are a lot more relaxed about passing on.

[porsche4life]

Originally Posted by Dottore

I tell you, I am at the point where all this death is like a kind of parallel universe to the one I inhabit, and in which I function. And that is of course exactly what it is. It is out there. All the time. The other side of the coin. The other shore of the river of life.

I laugh about it sometimes, but it's still often a hollow kind of laugh. I firmly believe that laugh will get less and less hollow as the years pass on, and as the mystery and finality of death becomes increasingly familiar and commonplace.

My personal goal is to die laughing.

Stay strong.

Well said.

I have not come to grips with it so much, but I am working hard on living life with no regrets, trying to knock out everything I want to do while I am still able. I have had a few checks lately with people around me passing, not necessarily close friends, but people in the same circles, and every time it makes you think a little bit more about your own mortality, and what you still want to see in this life.

As I tell people that ask about some of my extreme activities, I do not fear death, I fear dying painfully.

[LeeH]

Don't know what's worse - the sudden, unexpected loss or the slow but predictable decline, like your dad.

I lost my mom to an aneurism when I was 21. No warning and she was gone. She was so central to the family... without her, the family's cohesiveness was never to be the same.

My dad followed a path very similar to yours. When he reached a certain point in his decline, my step-mom needed help. The family decided we'd take turns traveling to FL to help out. My nephew and I drew the first shift. We called mid point in our trip down only to find out that my dad was slipping in and out of consciousness. By the time we arrived he had declined further. I'm fairly sure he knew we were there, but not 100% certain. He passed early the next morning.

Don't know that if given the choice I would have chosen to see him in that condition and been holding his hand when he died. There was some reaction from him in hearing my voice and I hope that he knew I was there to be with him in the end. Fifteen years later and it's still tough to think about.

[Porsche-O-Phile]

Thanks for sharing Todd. It's painful to see the ones we love becoming more and more aged and less able to care for themselves. I only hope I can be half the son to my parents as they were parents to me as the roles of caretaker and care needer reverse.

Time is cruel, but our mortality gives us purpose. At the end of the day what matters is not our death or our "fade to black", but what we accomplish while we're here, how we influence those around us (do we lift up or tear down? Do we enhance life or inhibit it? Do we promote thought and advancement or ignorance?). Most importantly, how do we instill wonder and thoughtfulness and happiness in the children who will be here long after we're gone.

Since the dawn of time, man has sought immortality - we attain it through our dealings with others and how we treat them. Those influences will persist in future generations long after our physical bodies are long gone. You're a good son and you honor your father through your insight, thoughtfulness and demeanor. I've no doubt he was (and is) a wonderful human being based on what I know of you, your writings and attitude.

Thanks for sharing - its great to inspire some insight and introspection about things like this - too much of our days get wasted on mundanity worrying about work or bills or money... It is our relationships with those whom we love and who love us that matter - little else really does.

[Seahawk]

A fine thing you've written, Todd.

[azasadny]

Todd, so sorry to see what's happening to your father. We went through it about 5 years ago with my grandfather and now with a friend's mom who is like a mother to me. It's not easy, to be sure... But still a changing of seasons. My prayers are with you and your family. You're a good son and your father is proud of you, that's the best we can do.

[Joeaksa]

Spend as much time as is possible with him now. Also make sure you get some video of him as there will come a time when you miss his voice and want to be back with him, even if only on video.

Really brings back memories of my Father who passed 20 years ago...

[Superman]

Thanks for sharing, Todd. Eloquent as usual. Heartfelt.

I miss my dad. Pretty much every day. He's been gone more than ten years. Whatever things you want, or will want, to say to him.....say them now. If my dad were here for just five minutes, I would thank him. I'd tell him about my gratitude and admiration for him. I'd tell him I am proud to be his son.

Something's in my eye.

[M.D. Holloway]

Well done lad...

[DonDavis]

Hang in there. Glad you posted.

[LeeH]

Originally Posted by Superman

Whatever things you want, or will want, to say to him.....say them now. If my dad were here for just five minutes, I would thank him. I'd tell him about my gratitude and admiration for him. I'd tell him I am proud to be his son.

+1 Thought I was going to have the chance for this kind of thing with my dad, but didn't. Todd, you still have a chance.