Just found out my best friend is doing AA

AFC-911 · 03-09-2015, 08:04 PM

So after she makes plans with me (movies, art show and a concert) and blew me off 4 times, I texted her that it was nice to know that there was no follow through in any of the **** she wants to do.

Turns out she's supposedly blowing me off for AA meetings daily, but why the hell would she not tell me that's what she was doing?

Anyway, she apologized for her behavior of "selfishly blowing me off", but then goes radio silent.

WTF is going on?

slodave · slodave's Garage

She is dealing with inner demons and is probably embarrassed. If she is your best friend, take it easy on her and be there for her.

aigel · aigel's Garage

Do you drink when you go out together? Maybe she has to stay away from the environment 'til she is solidly dry. I have some friends that I'd definitely put in the "enabler" category, if it comes to drinking. If I was going to AA, going out with them definitely would be a no-go for a while.

Edit: If you think this may be the case, call her and tell her of course you can do stuff that works for her AA program, including you staying dry during your activities.

G

doug_porsche · 03-09-2015, 08:08 PM

sounds like she has some demons that she is dealing with.
Let her know she has your support, but be aware you may have to walk away.

rusnak · 03-09-2015, 08:10 PM

She's definitely embarrassed, and I would give her credit for telling you that, if it's in fact what she's doing.

I don't know what encouragement/ advice to give my friend who's also going to AA. I thought about starting a thread to ask for advice. She's really great, so I just told her to forget what other people say/ think who don't understand her situation.

Z-man · Z-man's Garage

Doesn't sound like someone who is going through recovery - sounds like there's something more there... Recovery involves humility, being apologetic, and following through with your actions -- she may have apologized, but her behavior didn't seem to change after you confronted her.

Not judging, but just my gut / knee jerk reaction.
-Z

Gogar · 09:05 PM

I'm with Z-Man,

I would play it inwardly skeptical and outwardly supportive. Be a nice friend but don't put yourself out there, because I guarantee you she's not telling you everything.

If she's actually going to AA then that's great and all the best to her.

DanielDudley · 03-10-2015, 12:52 AM

If it was easy, people wouldn't go to AA. A lot of people get sober, and it isn't easier for them, it is harder for a while. Take it or leave it drinkers can't really understand how different it is, or how hard, I think.

ckelly78z · 03-10-2015, 02:56 AM

The really good thing is that she took that first step in admitting she has a problem and seeking help. It is probably too embarrasing and humiliating to discuss it with you at this time, but just try to be there for her and listen without condemnation if she is willing to talk.

pavulon · 03:38 AM

From what you have written, it may be that she is focusing on herself which would be the biggest part of a recovery. People in AA can find a lot of peace in going to AA meetings. They don't have to pretend to be anyone. She may also feel that she needs different friends to avoid triggers.

She may also be lying which, if she has an addiction, is frequently part of being an addict.

There are concerns about AA itself but that is another topic.

Laneco · 03-10-2015, 06:14 AM

Her meetings may also be court directed... Meaning that she has gotten into some legal trouble and to remain out of jail, she has to go to the meetings.

There is more here than she is telling you. Maybe the best thing you can do is to meet for coffee and have a chat. If she won't meet, I suggest you let this one play out for a while.

angela

vash · vash's Garage

Maybe it's the anonymous part?

Neilk · 03-10-2015, 07:06 AM

Are either of you attached? Maybe she is having alcohol issues and at the same time your relationship is getting in the way? Maybe she wants to be more than friends?

vash · vash's Garage

Really. If she is trying to get well. It's not about you.

Anonymous. It in the name. It's that important.

legion · 03-10-2015, 07:51 AM

Something doesn't add up to me: I assume she knew about the meetings ahead of time and shouldn't have made conflicting plans in the first place.

red-beard · red-beard's Garage

Quote:

Originally Posted by pavulon

She may also be lying which, if she has an addiction, is frequently part of being an addict.

And this is one of the most difficult parts of overcoming an addition: lying to yourself and others.

Rikao4 · 03-10-2015, 08:38 AM

accept you don't really know her that well..
much less BF and all that..
if she need's to talk..
let her know your available..
otherwise..
give her space & let her decide..

Rika

Bill Douglas · 03-10-2015, 09:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AFC-911

Anyway, she apologized for her behavior of "selfishly blowing me off", but then goes radio silent.

WTF is going on?

She is just focusing on what is important to her right now and that's the AA and her problem that she is trying to sort out - good on her for doing this.

Anything else, boyfriends/dates/going out is just a distraction and she needs to 100% focus on the goal if she hopes to win.

Gogar · 03-10-2015, 10:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Neilk

Maybe she wants to be more than friends?

Or he does, and she doesn't. So she blows him off, and manufactures an excuse that won't draw any criticism.

Sorry about the pessimism; I'd love to be wrong.

Porsche-O-Phile · Porsche-O-Phile's Garage

Keep in mind that the second "A" is for "Anonymous". It's there for a reason. Maybe she was not comfortable discussing it with you just as a lot of people are not comfortable discussing it in general. Be supportive and take her confidence in telling you at all members as a sign that she trusts you.