Explaining the horrific to a young child, how did you?

[cstreit]

Gang,

In my town, there was a horrific murder of a young child at the hands of his mother. Anything like this is horrible, but this one is probably the worst I have ever heard of and probably ever will.

I found out this weekend that the boy was somone I knew, and worse, that my 7 year old son knew. We have seen him 2-3 times per week for the last several years and as recently as last week. Fortunately they weren't very close so my son doesn't know right now.

My hope is that he will be insulated from this and that it will fade before he has a chance to find out. However in the event that he is exposed or will be, I do not know how to explain it to him, but have to be the one to do it. I can barely wrap my own head around this event and so I struggle with what I might say to him. If I am too vague he will ask questions I don't want to answer, but I do not want to be overly specific either.

Have you ever had to do this? What did you do? How does one communicate something to a kid that he should never hear or even imagine to begin with?

[Macroni]

seven year old does not need details...... his acquaintance is now in heaven...

sucks................

[cstreit]

Of course, nor would I give the details... ..but he's ever really had to experience death at all. So that's the first part. I can handle that.

What concerns me is that he may hear about some details from other kids he knows. If he does, or asks about it. I have no experience or clue how you might even begin. He knows kids that know about it, know to some degree what happened I'm sure. If he hears anything, I've got to address it. Hopefully it won't come to that and if I have to semi-sequester him for a few weeks I will. In the mean time I want to be prepared. And pray that I won't need to.

[Macroni]

No answer..... I myself do not understand the horrific.......

[tevake]

Just reassure him that if he does what you exactly what you expect of him, when you ask it, this will never happen to him.




Sorry, maybe not the time for levity, Some things in this world are just too twisted to share with a 7yo. I hope this passes with out your having to explain. As was said before, his friend went to heaven.

Richard

[mikester]

You're on the edge of awareness there at 7 I think. Depending on the kid he may or may not be really aware of the world around him. I have a 7 year old as well and I just don't think he's really that aware of the larger world. Now being that he did know this other child - that puts it much closer. If something like this happened to one of my son's acquaintances I'm sure we would need to have a long talk about it. My son remembers his peers - he remembers people.

I would spare your son the details but not hesitate to talk to him about the fact that the child died and it was unfortunate. I wouldn't lie but I'm not sure I would be forthcoming with details. I would also consult with his teachers and school staff, principal and what not to see how they are handling things at the school. How are they handling rumors and that sort of thing.

We had something happen at our son's school this year that is similarly tragic - not a death but a molestation arrest that so far has not really gone anywhere. My 7 year old has been talked to but he didn't really seem to understand much more than the basics so we didn't go deeper than that.

Talk to your kid though; let them know that if they need help or want to talk that you are there. It's not always easy for parents to talk to their kids and it isn't always easy for kids to talk to their parents. My 4 year old an I can talk but my 7 year old and I are challenged. We just have personality differences that make things hard. I try though, I think he does too but in the end because of our challenges I do make sure he has other people he feels comfortable talking with that I trust (including his mother of course, counselors, teachers, scout leaders, etc). You also need to build up your own trusted relationships in the community so that you can get help keeping things safe and be part of that community safety net.

[MFAFF]

Very sorry to hear this and sad for you and your son.

I found that the best way to deal with death with my son (who was 7 at the time) was to be truthful... and make sure the details were clear enough to answer his questions.

I was lucky... his great grandmother died; from old age...she was 99.
She was happy as larry on the 25th December and by the 27th had passed. She had had enough and had held on until after Xmas... it was tough to explain to a 7 year old that somebody had 'lost the will to live'...and had effectively let herself go.

I found that being straight and up front with it all made the conversation easier... he wanted to know and was worried he might do the same... by mistake...

A tough conversation and one that opened things up...

Good luck to you

[stomachmonkey]

I find the younger kids understand and accept death far more readily than older ones or even adults.

[cstreit]

Thanks for your thoughts guys. It's not so much the subject of death that concerns me. 2 years ago by stepfather died and he and I talked about it then. My concern is that young kids don't always have great filters. ...and I just hope that if someone at school, or elsewhere repeats what they've heard, it could be traumatic for him if they talk about the details. Like the one kid that read about it when his parents weren't looking, that sort of thing can spread through a school fast. The boy that was killed did not attend my sons school. My son is a very intuitive kid, and I don't want him dealing with this on his own.

..but I'd rather he didn't have to deal with it at all. So I'm struggling with being proactive and have him hear it from us first, but don't want to say anything if I don't have too.

[Buckterrier]

Sorry to hear. It amazing what people are capable these day. What about taking him to see a professional? The two of you sit down with a psychologist.

[gprsh924]

That's tough. I read about the story. Absolutely horrifying. Sorry I can't offer any advice.

[Schrup]

Originally Posted by stomachmonkey

I find the younger kids understand and accept death far more readily than older ones or even adults.

This has been my recent experience. My 8 year old held up better through a tragedy than everyone else.

[aap1966]

Originally Posted by Buckterrier

Sorry to hear. It amazing what people are capable these day. What about taking him to see a professional? The two of you sit down with a psychologist.

..........be careful. Some psychologists are great, some are not worth the O2.
(Speaking from professional experience in adult trauma) You need to be very sure they're good, and good with kids.

[cstreit]

I attended the wake today. It was really hard seeing that small casket... ...and seeing his older brother there, just holding on.

The media didn't have the decency to stay away, but the local police kept them at the opposite end of the parking lot... ...but there were two news guys standing in the entrance drive. I wanted to run one over on the way out.

This young man was less than a year away from his TKD black belt. I was pretty solid untill I saw that our TKD school had made an honorary black belt with his name embroidered on it draped across the casket. I watched him work SO hard for it for over two years. Cue the tears. He would have acheived it, no doubt.

[Por_sha911]

More than details, your son needs to know how you feel and that its O.K. to not understand (or like) what happens in this life. Teach how to cope with the feelings by showing him how you feel.

[BE911SC]

The key, one of them anyway, is not to be freaked-out in front of your child. If you are scared then it's ten times worse for the child. I explain things to my kids as if they are my peers. If you treat them like adults then they'll likely grow into adults and be able to handle life. If you are drama-prone or overly/inappropriately emotional then they will key on that and likely be that way as well.

[mikeesik]

I am so sorry for the ones that liked to loved this boy.

I can't offer you anything, but when 9/11 happened my Daughter was 4 years old and very keen.
She caught a few trappings of the event on TV.

I discussed with her mother about what we should do or say. Knowing that this would be on television for some time.
I did NOT want my Daughter to know anything so we essentially turned the T.V off and made some more logistics.

[mikeesik]

Although after a bit of thinking.. I'd love to take my 2 Kids to a public hanging of this boys mother.