I have no reason to think my in-laws would do anything to sabotage things. I know they like me as much as Chinese in-laws can like a laowai son in-law. And I really do like them. They are good people. I'm not worried about that in the least. My problem is that I don't want to live with them or anyone other than my wife....at all. A visit of a few weeks is fine and I would welcome it. Months and months - no effin way. I will not be here for it and have told Mrs. Lee it will not happen with my staying here. Even if I resolved to stick it out, there's no way we're going to go so long without a big fight, having all the issues I mentioned before come real. And that just means she'll run to mom, tell her everything in Chinese and anything I say will be instantly translated into Chinese, but in her version of what she thinks I said, with no English translation coming back. No, I did not sign up for this. Now the question is whether she tells her folks this, which would probably make them want to keep it short, or does she keep it under her hat and then pretend it will all work itself out once they're stuck here.

Amen to that. And I like how every solution requires a trophy truck, Baja, and tequila.:D

I highly doubt they'll be cooking much except when we can get down to the Ranch Market in Tempe on weekends. And I can't chat with them. We can barely communicate. I can't tell them where I'm going when I leave the house, ask them if they need me to bring them anything, etc. Why the hell would anyone want to sit in a house and watch Chinese tv for months? They can do that in China and do everything else normal people do every day that they cannot do here.

Regis office is a good idea.

My MIL lived with us for four years until she died last summer. My biggest complaint were that they didn't seem to know that light switches go on and off. She'd also run the A/C down as low as it could go during the day and then turn it back up 1/2 before I was expected home. Like I couldn't figure out why my electric bill in August was $800???

She could make her own breakfast and lunch, but would put NOTHING away. Milk, eggs, bacon, lunch meat, you name it. I'd spend 1/2 every evening when I got home cleaning up the kitchen every freaking day. Also she would feed her rat dog my Hebrew National Hot Dogs. about $10/lbs. and she was feeding them to the f()cking mutt!

Get an outside office, install a locking thermostat, and put the food you want in the garage refrigerator. Make your Wife responsible for her parents; not you.

Did you and Mrs Lee discuss this type of scenario before you got married? What was agreed upon at that time?

I foresee this thread becoming many pages and not ending well.

https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/i...FPyu_GXetNHQ5D

No and, well, "what a fool I used to be" - words that get truer every day.

I had met her mom on her six mos. visit here before we got married, but understood, even before I met him two China trips ago, that her dad had no interest in even visiting the US, was a very Chinese man and figured that was that. And, knowing him now, I'm pretty sure he won't stay long after he gets a taste of how things work here. The mom is another story. She won't be tempted to go back home because her husband does. And I'll have the same problem whether it's one or both of them here.

My mom suggested getting them a small apt. somewhere and agreeing to a strict regimen of time Mrs. Lee spends with them and time we spend together alone. Sounds great on paper, but it will never work out that way. I simply have no cards here. I can't stop them from coming and can't stop them from staying. All I can do is plan to preserve my own sanity by figuring out ways I can take a long sabbatical from my marriage and living in this house.

Well shucks, I was hoping you would be able to play the "we talked about this" card. I would suggest you both sit down and come up with activities for them. Whatever it takes, because as you said, they're coming regardless. Make this work. You're a smart guy and you care about Mrs Lee.

We last discussed this on July 4th, which was 24 hrs. after she got word her grandmother (dad's side) had passed away. She just came out and said she wanted to move her folks here. I thought that was suspicious and I told her then that was a deal breaker for me. Upon further research, I learned she cannot legally sponsor them for residency as a green card holder. Only citizens can do that and she doesn't want to become a citizen. Although she's eligible to apply for citizenship, it would take a while and then years thereafter for her folks to eventually be granted immigrant visas. She still does not believe me on this, so I guess it will just take that much longer to actually happen. But they probably can get tourist visas and so that's a more immediate issue.

hey..battle's halfway won if you're seen as a laowai and not as gwailo :P

even sponsoring them for green card, it's not exactly a walk in the park. i just did it for my wife. about 10 pounds of papers to submit, bank statements, financial security, birth certificates (for which its next to impossible for their generation) not to mention the application fees.

We DIY'ed her green card for about $4k. She has to become a citizen before even trying to hook her folks up with anything other than a tourist visa. And if they were to overstay that, they'd be totally hosed for ever becoming legal in the future.

Unless they learn to speak Spanish and like beans with their rice...

4k!?!? for what? application fees were under 2k when i filed early this year.

Good luck RL. You can stay at my place for a few months if you want.

I don't remember them all, but it was an adjustment of status first and a bunch of other stuff, medical exam, we moved to AZ in the middle of the process, advance parole to travel, and on and on. May have been less, but it was definitely well north of $3k.

ah.

maybe have em take up gardening? heh

ok ok.............howz bouts talking yer inlaws to ordering a new geiser TROPHY TRUCK(i have the menu and paint schemes avail)



howz bouts a (this is brilliant) A CHINESE DRAGON MOTIFF ON THE TROPHY TRUCK w/a matching BMW PAINT JOB?


we will label all the switches and gizmos and everything in chinese. we will even have a chinese instruction manual for it. i dont know how ya write chinese but it would simply say "pour race fuel here, step on this petal TO GO and this petal to STOP!" and of course the obligatory lawyer crap, watch out for boulders, things attached to mantle/core of the earth/cliffs 100's of feet tall above oceans(cortez/pacific), watch out for children,drunks,boobie traps,other cars,other trophy trucks, and motorcycles.


we will make it a 4 seater, you can ride shotgun(co-dawg/navigator) and yell at ALL OF THEM and NO ONE WILL LISTEN and YOU CAN ALL EXPLORE BAJA as a HAPPY FAMILIA and after 6 months down there they will love it so much they will buy a pad down there and never bother you again or go back home after about 3 miles of the silt beds of doom and gloom or the endless miles and miles and miles of 4 foot deep WHOOP DE DOO'S!


barf bags NO EXTRA CHARGE!


i'm trying man, i really am trying to bail ya out of this.



i think you could name the TROPHY TRUCK ..........."PANDA-MOAN-IUM"



i know i know i am worthless as teets on a boar hawg here. but if ya really sit back for a minute, and think about the sounds of the ocean, the sounds of coronas being opened, with limes of course, fresh shrimp tacos or lobster tacos, the tecate girls, the smell of hi octane race fuel, the sounds of 850HP y trophy trucks and class 1 cars and every known motor sickle known to man...................it all makes freeking sense to bail out the DOOR NOW FOR THE START THURSDAY MORNING!



all ya need is some cash(small unmarked bills), credit cards work in bigger towns, some spares, camera, fart bag, jacket,passport and YER GOLDEN!


weather highs 83 lows 54 by the coasts all damn week. i would HIGHLY SUGGEST MICHELIN BIB MOUSSES or METZLERS! no fuss no muss no pesky flats.

Reading this thread makes my head hurt. Can't imagine actually going through it. My in-laws (including the thirty something brother in law) moved in with us for three months while their house was being built. And we had a two story 3000 sq ft home, plenty of room to roam. When I look back, it was the first step in the demise of our marriage. No joke. The ex husband says the same thing to this very day. And with all the language barriers and cultural factors, I can't imagine this being any easier than that situation. It sounds like it is going to happen regardless so the renting office space sounds good. And your wife can "take care of her own parents" but you know that doesn't matter right? Just their continuous presence is going to change the dynamics of your marriage. Even if you get along with them, because of this change, it is going to be a rough ride. Now if you know that and she knows that and both have agreed to work as a team with whatever comes your way, it might work. But if someone goes into this with any demands and certain expectations... Sorry, you guys are screwed.

Rick, I can only sympathize with your situation. It is impossible to understand the Chinese way of thinking. You either live with it or you don't. You can't rationalize with them as their thought process is so alien to ours. I get the feeling you wouldn't be too upset if the marriage ended. Maybe you should give some thought to that issue and it may lead to an answer with the other.

Tweeze, I agree and see it ending badly for similar reasons you experienced. The problem is that Mrs. Lee can never be convinced of anything she didn't come up with on her own and certainly not that an idea of hers could end badly. When we were shopping for this house (my third), she honestly thought she knew about more about real estate than our realtor (Pelican's own Eric Coffey) and myself (former loan officer). And that's why it only took 1.5 yrs. and contracts on 14 other houses before this one panned out.

I mean, when her best guess of what will keep her parents busy here every day for months is, "They can take walks," where do you go with that? Usually I just laugh it off and wait for her to realize on her own how wrong she was about something. Mainland Chinese can never admit fault, ever. It's like watching the Fonz try to apologize. She complained about our white carpet being dirty. When I looked closely, the dark spots were clumps of her hair. She said it coudn't be hers. I just laugh it off and sort of enjoy it. It is truly funny and I don't have to manage her at work or coach her professional development, so I don't really get frustrated there. But when it comes to a really bad idea that will have really bad effects on our marriage, I don't want to let it happen and just say "I told you so." I want to prevent it.

I don't care who you are, that's funny right there!:D

Regus office while they're here? Can you do that?

At least get out of there for most of the day so you're not babysitting. That shouldn't be YOUR job.

Is your wife going to take vacation so that SHE can do the babysitting? She should.

Yes, I know, no one has months of vacation.

Sorry dude, the family comes with the package. When Wei and I got married her parents still lived in Beijing. I met them the summer after we got married when we went their for our first visit. I saw them again two years later, and two years after that we had our first son. Mom and dad in law came to live with us at that point and helped take care of the baby while mom and dad worked.

We all lived together in our 1,750 square foot, four bedroom four level house for about three years, through son number two, until a neighbor went into a nursing home and we were able to buy the house three doors down for a reasonable price. Even then it took about three months to get the moved out.

It was a delightful experience. Other than not having enough room, I had no complaints. They cooked (badly) cleaned, did laundry, and generally kept up the place.

Have your in-laws do the same thing. Put them on a budget and give them a small allowance. Sign them up for the senior citizen bus that goes through your community and drops people off at the mall and shops. Give them things to do around the house. Let them go to the Chinese grocery store and buy vast amounts of food that will be wasted but which will be used to make enourmous feasts that you and your lovely wife can eat. Forget all the Chinese that you know and respond only to English, so that everyone can blow off steam without anyone being offended. Get bicycles for them. If Dad drives a motorcycle, get one of them or a scooter for them. Keep them as mobile and independent as possible. The budget and allowance thing is essential.

My father-in-law died more than five years ago now. I miss him terribly. I am glad we had the time together that we did have. Invite them in, be chearful about it and make the most of it that you can. If you do, it will be good.

By the way, the in-laws can make it to the gas station and negotiate their way for smokes. If I can wander a half dozen blocks in Beijing with no chaperone, find a cup of coffee and still negotiate my way back home with my complete inability to either navigate or speak Mandrin, your in-laws will be fine walking around town.

International Pelican Couch Tour?

Do you plan to start a family? Is this the reason MIL may be coming in handy as a live-in nanny?

G

My MIL is 57 and looks younger than my wife who is 32. MIL would not even be able to buy alcohol here. We have no kids, don't plan on it and I don't want to live with my in-laws. No amount of attitude adjustment can change that. The only reason I got married is because Mrs. Lee is the only person I can stand to be around for more than a few days. I honestly never get tired of being with her. I was very happily single before I got married and I really only did it to keep her. Otherwise, I am a loner, love my friends and family, but like my space, my privacy and not being bothered by others, other than Mrs. Lee.

She won't leave me if I say no. I've already said not no, but hell no. But I can't stop her from doing it, which means I'll be the one who has to leave and be miserable or stay and be more miserable, knowing there's no other way out by that point and that she has chosen her folks over her marriage...which I suppose is all the proof I'll ever need.

We're going to see my folks for Xmas now, since they've been allowed back into their house in NJ. My folks are the consummate peacemakers and mediators. My mom even was a court mediator. They may be able to talk some sense into Mrs. Lee, who definitely likes and respects them.

As for office space, the local Regus stuff is way too fancy for my needs or means. But I may find something on Craigslist if I can stand to still come back to this house after work and errands each night.

I have traveled to China and all around on my own several times, even the very first time. Never with an organized tour and twice without my wife with me at all. I can live and fully function in China. My in-laws cannot do the same here. They live in a city the size of NYC and that's not even a big city in China. Buses, trains, bike paths, sidewalks, everything. Not so here. I speak way more Mandarin than they do English and that's still not much. The only business within walking distance here is the corner gas station. After that it's miles of desert and roadside ditches, no sidewalks, no bus stops. Giving them any kind of vehicle is unthinkable because of insurance costs and danger to life and limb. You know how traffic works in China. It's unthinkable to drive, ride or walk that way anywhere in the US.

I feel for you, crappy situation. If they are dead set on coming suggest they come at the beginning of summer, they'll be miserable in the heat and will wonder why they ever came.

Rick,

It almost sounds as if you are mining reasons to be single again.

How sure are you about that? Is that another thing you said "no" to? ;) Wanting to start a family and wanting to continue to work is the only reason she would want to live with her mom IMHO.

G

+1

No health care for them??? Plenty of options: ER, clinics..........can't think of any others.


Seriously, have you looked at getting them a green card? or at the least a temporary visa? I have a friend who is Persian and got his parents a Green card - it took along time.

Rick..........you did sign up for the family package.

I don't want to be single again. Honestly. But I would be far more miserable living with my in-laws. With the in-laws here, I'd have all of the bad things about a marriage and none of the good things. Currently, it's mostly the reverse.

We're not made of money. There is no way in the world for us to afford to support her folks and have a kid, even if Mrs. Lee were to curb her compulsive shopping. It is not remotely feasible under current or foreseeable circumstances.

There is no legal way to get them a green card until years after my wife becomes a citizen, which is also probably years away. Citizens cannot sponsor in-laws, only their own parents. So I can't help her folks, only Mrs. Lee can. Since they are retired and speak no English, they have zero chance of ever getting an H1 sponsor in the US.

Strong cultures and/or religions do get in the way. My Persian friend lives in TN and when he brought his parents here, they, like your in-laws, don't speak English, don't drive and no sense of community. Depending on your situation and committment, moving into a larger metropolitan area might be a solution.

Time to tell your wife this. She needs to know you are going to leave her if she wants a 2 gen. household. If this doesn't change her mind, then you'll save yourself (and her) a lot of pain.


This is baloney. I read in a rental RE thread that you aren't able to deduct full loss on your rental property. At that income level you sure are able to support a kid or two and a MIL. ;)

G

If you were to get divorced, how (if at all) would that affect your wife's becoming a citizen?

she would NOT get a TROPHY TRUCK and the IN LAWS wouldnt be able to see BAJA!


eating chinese food in a TROPHY TRUCK "IS" the CHINESE WEBSTERS DICTIONARY DEFINITION OF "QWICKIE WOW CHOW"> trust me on this.



and rick wouldnt get the "FLAMING DRAGON" PAINT JOB ON HIS BEEMER!(BMW)



its ALL ABOUT a FOUR SEAT TROPHY TRUCK...............it will solve EVERYTHING! HONEST!

She's home free there. We survived the two-yr. conditional period for her green card. So she'd probably just have to renew it or become a citizen by the expiration date, which is in 2018. You don't have to stay married to remain here once you've convinced the gov't. it wasn't a sham marriage. And ours certainly is not.

Good friend of mine married a girl from Beijing. They live in Switzerland.

They soon had twins, and her old parents offered to come out for an "indefinite" period of time to help look after the kids.

Well, the oldies came out and stayed, and announced shortly after their arrival that they would need 2,000 Swiss Francs (about the same in USD) a month for helping to look after the kids. (This in addition to having the run of a very nice house, all meals etc etc.)

Strangely my friend agreed to this for the sake of peace in the family. He reckoned it wasn't much more than he would pay for a full-time nanny. But of course he also fully accepts the fact that he married the whole family.