What to do? You've tried talking to your wife. That's not going anywhere.

You could just go along with it and see what happens. Not the best I know but what options do you have?

I dunno man...........................sounds like once they come through the front door it is a one-way-trip:(

Only one way to find out for sure.

Yes......but really this is a major, major deal. Sorta like planting milk weeds into your garden. Once in you can never get rid of them.

Also, clearly the Misses has some ulterior motive here as she cannot discuss calmly any specific time frame with Rick. Which tells me it's the Sherlock Holmes problem solving theory: "Eliminate the impossible - so only the possible remains"

I don't think it's a one-way trip once they come through the door. It's legally impossible and it puts Mrs. Lee's green card in serious jeopardy, even if I keep quiet about it after I leave. Again, her folks cannot stay here legally without some tourist visa extension, which is unlikely (maybe once, certainly not twice) and there is (currently) no legal way for them to adjust status from tourist to immigrant visas without returning to China and waiting many years. I don't think Mrs. Lee believes me on this and I'd like to just avoid the whole mess in advance by convincing her instead of her finding out the very hard way. But again, you can't tell her anything. She just says, "Millions of Chinese are already here and became legal somehow."

Everyone around here knows about Sheriff Joe's hard-on for busting illegals. Hell, even the sheriff's vans have an 800 number painted on the side to call and report illegals. I wouldn't do it. But two non-English speaking Chinese folks walking around the neighborhood for more than about six mos. is likely to raise someone's suspicion. And God forbid they ever get into any kind of trouble like injured in a car accident or some other random incident that puts them in contact with the local police when they're out of status.

:eek::eek::eek::eek::eek:

I think her motivations are clear.

You know, before Christmas, my wife and I had somewhat similar 'issue' with her parents possibly visiting for the Holidays. First to say, I really dig my in-laws. They are good, basic people who grew up very poor and tough but still managed to stay together. I do enjoy their company...................................for a while.

The problem is her parents are now retired but back in the poor-house because of on-going bad money management, her moms compulsive overspending, dad's own lack of control all on a small fixed income.

Last recent occurrance: Her dad decided to raise the comp insurance deductable on the family CRV to $1000. OK, so no biggie - trying to save a dollar. You guessed it - just a few weeks later a tree fell on the SUV...............almost totaling the car. Unfortunately, it did not. Guess who had to come with the $1000 to get the car out of the body shop?? The two other kids cannot manage money either, and didn't have the dough or offer to help.

So my in-laws who live in Tenn were hinting on coming up for the holidays but had zero money. This is always the case. In order for them to travel to see us we have to pay for their gas money, expenses, entertain $$ them while they stay with us, etc, etc.

So seeing the look on my wife's face a few weeks ago I say "Hey...........why don't we have your parents come up just for a few days for Christmas? They can come up Saturday and leave Wed?"

Her response: " Well I can't invite my parents for a specified time and when that times up they have to leave?"

I say " Of course we can. We're the ones; or rather I'm the one paying for the whole deal. We have limited money to do this so they can come up for Christmas but can't stay until the Wed After new years."

Her reply "Well I can't say that to my parents"

Me "I guess then we can't afford to have them up at all"

Oh, I know we'd end up footing every penny of Mrs. Lee's folks' visit and I'm ok with that. She already sends them a few grand a year, which probably effectively doubles their annual income. I'm expecting we'd cover airfare, visa fees, lodging when we travel, all meals and probably some pocket money. I understand they're totally poor by our standards and everything they'd need here costs 8-10x what it would cost in China. I really have no problem with that. It's just, well, having to live with in-laws for more than a few weeks. My folks wouldn't even think of coming for that long, but I understand the extra hardship of getting here from China (train from Nanjing to Shanghai, flight to LA, drive to Phoenix and then the reverse). It's a marathon. So three weeks seems about right to me. Not "a few months."

Not to make light of a very serious issue and stressful situation for Rick, but I laughed out loud at this back on page 2!!!

JA

We just came from our favorite Sichuan place, which is in the "Chinese Cultural Center" near the airport. That restaurant and the Ranch 99 are the only businesses left in that strip mall. All other spaces are for rent. The place was packed and I was one of two white folk there. Mrs. Lee and I reminisced a lot about our favorite meals on our last trip to China. Then I saw a group of Chinese men, all in black pants and jackets, get up to go out and smoke their Chungwa cigarettes, which is the brand to be seen with in China. About $8 a pack in China, which is like $80 for us. They're decent. I started getting nostalgic and said we should take our next vacation to China. She sort of hmmmed, didn't seem too excited about it.

I get the feeling getting her folks to come visit weighs heavily on her mind. At this point I think I'm just gonna ignore it for a while, try to be as loving and fun to be around as usual to remind her how great it is when it's just the two of us. And I expect within two mos. it will have to be discussed again because I'll want to start discussing our next real vacation, which will be to China or Europe, hopefully for the both of us. I have a lot of business travel coming up, so that would be a good time to have her folks here. But it starts in two weeks and I think we're months away from working this out.

No kidding...but then again, when we first visited the "Chinese Cultural Center" more than two years ago it already seemed like it was going downhill.

Perhaps a vacation rental for Mrs Lee's parents in Chandler by Lee Lee's market and Phoenix Palace (we go about once a month for dim sum) where all the Chinese/asian people are might work out better? Then again, you'd probably have to know how long they're staying before hand...

I stayed at my in-laws house for a while, 20 years ago, when my wife (their daughter, duh) was away at medical school much of the time. We needed to save money and it was a convenient and tolerable way. We all worked and didn't interact a whole lot most days. Fast forward to today and no way Jose would I even consider it for a split second.

I think your last idea of letting things simmer is a good idea. She might have time to let things gell in her mind also and figure things out in a bit more rational way. I wouldn't be too overt about reminding her how great things are with just the two of you. I'm sure you married an inteligent girl who can figure things out. Her thinking might be along the lines of Asphaltgambler's wife's. Like has been mentioned before, you can always see how the situation unfolds and make up you mind from there. You've already intimated to her what the possible ramifications can be, so the rest is her choice..

This problem sounds like it's not going to go away. :eek:

Well, it's gotten a little worse and a little better. Worse because, after she was on the phone with her mom for two hours last weekend, I asked about things and she said she told her mom I was the one holding things up. I said it was a very bad idea to make your spouse the bad guy to your parents under any circumstances, whether it's true or not. I said, if she's going to sabotage things in advance and create a hostile view of me in her folks' minds, I don't want to see them at all. I told her I will not live in a place where I dread coming home, feel outnumbered and can't communicate. Then we forgot about it.

Two nights later I calmly said I wanted to get this thing resolved and we need to figure out a firm timeline with roundtrip tickets and make it happen. After much discussion, she insisted on six mos. or nothing. So I said "then it's nothing." The fact that she can't even compromise one bit on this looks pretty bad. I think I'm just gonna leave it alone and let her figure it out. She knows I'll leave if her parents end up here for that long. At the same time, she hasn't lifted a finger to go around me to make it happen, which she could do if she were determined. I can't tell if it's laziness or because she's choosing me over them. But I would think every weekend when she talks to her mom, her mom is going to ask her "when can we come?" Eventually, she's going to have do something.

My FIL is turning 97 in an old folks home this month. He is still a PITA where he is. I could not imagine him living here in our house. Our lives would be over if he was here. He is not Chinese and nor are you. Only you and your wife can make this decision. :eek::eek:
I admit I am no Christian. I will be going to hell when I leave this world. No need to be there sooner than I have to.:)
So you can ask yourself what would happen if you told her her parents could not live with you both? Would that break the marriage?Prof. counselling needed. If she refuses to go then what.......

This must be eating away at you....

I wouldn't tell her parents that. It's not their decision and I can't make it legally possible for them to live here, even if I wanted to. I've told Mrs. Lee that several times, though. If she can't accept a month-long visit, which I still think is pretty long, considering she doesn't even plan to take any time off from work while they're here, then I will sleep well at night and hope the day doesn't come when she says she'd rather live her folks than me. If she truly misses her folks and just wants to see them, they are free to come for a month and we can always go to China at any time. Anything other than that and I'm gonna suspect ulterior motives.

Chinese people want US citizenship. My friend is sponsoring his wife's entire family to get here. I think they can have dual citizenship. Wish you luck. I bet getting the family papers was always part of the plan. She thinks nothing sinister about it.

That's not legally possible unless his wife is a citizen and sponsors them. Green card holders can sponsor spouses and their own children and that's it. Citizens can sponsor parents and siblings.

My in-laws would never even think of it because they can't speak English and don't plan to learn it. They could get a green card after Mrs. Lee jumps becomes a citizen, but that's a 3-5 yrs. process if she starts tomorrow.

Can't you sponsor them? Isn't this your wife's plan? Again probably not some sinister plan on her part. Just what she is thinking. my mom told me over dinner that Chinese want citizenship " just in case". They don't have to give up anything in china. No property no citizenship. Nothing.

No, I cannot sponsor in-laws. Legally, totally impossible.

Did not know that. Cool.

Your wife doesn't become a citizen by virtue of marriage? I always thought that was the case.

And why didn't she start the process sooner if she wanted her parents here?

Very sorry to hear your dilemmas Rick. We just had my in-laws living in our house for 5 weeks. The come over every year, and sometimes twice a year. I tell you, even my wife thinks its just too much.

They are very nice people and explore the country while here on day trips. They hardly speak English but they seem to manage themselves pretty good. But after about 3 weeks its getting to hurt our relationship. People get irritated.

What's mrs Lee is asking of you is unreasonable and not how a healthy relationship should work. You have some very hard decisions to make the coming few months, and I wish you all the luck with it.

Not even close. Marriage just makes her eligible for a green card and even then it's six mos. and thousands of $$.

As I said a few times here, you can't tell her anything. She has to find out the hard way, which is probably why she hasn't started the citizenship process. She still doubts me that she has to become a citizen first and no (Mainland) Chinese person will ever admit they're wrong. So eventually it will sink in. But I'm fine with her being too lazy to deal with it:)).

You would think so, but I don't usually wrestle with decisions and this one was made a while ago. No way in hell am I living with my in-laws. It simply will never happen. The decision is hers.

Slightly off-topic, but I've seen it a few times and it's been bothering me:

What is "mainland" China? Are my geographical skills lacking?

I find it hard to believe that she thinks she is never wrong. I do not think that I could live like that. It must be very stressful for you. I find it hard to believe that she would not think of your feelings. To me a marriage is a partnership and consideration should be given to each other. If it was me I would read her the riot act. However you are not me and you must do what is right for yourself.Sometimes you have to do what is necessary for your own well being. Was she like this when you first married her?

1. Counselling is necessary with a prof. counsellor.
2. If she refuses then what?

It's everything that's not Hong Kong, Macau or Taiwan. Those places have different cultures, which stem in part from having very different legal and political systems. Mainland China has the one-child policy, which means no one in Mrs. Lee's generation has siblings or ever learned to share while growing up. Sounds silly, but it morphs into a different kind of mindset as an adult.

It's not that bad if you go in with the right attitude. I have the right attitude - a sick sense of humor and schadenfreude and an always-on willingness to say "I told you so."

Just an hour ago we were driving to Denny's and she couldn't find her sunglasses in the car, claimed I always move stuff she has on her passenger seat. I asked why I would do that, since I always drive and never sit in the passenger seat. She said she gave me a ride to my car in a parking lot a week ago and I sat in the passenger seat. I asked if she had gone the whole week in between without using her sunglasses. Silence. You just have to laugh and enjoy it and I really do.

Rick,

When married to a US citizen, after receiving the greencard, it is only 3 years until a foreign spouse can apply for US citizenship. If someone gets a greencard without marriage, usually through a work immigration visa or the greencard lottery, it is a 5 year wait period before being eligible for US citizenship.

Not sure about the timeline her, but your wife likely is eligible for US citizenship and as soon as she has that, she can start working on greencards for her folks. Citizenship application is only a few months start to oath once you are eligible.

G

Yes, I know. As I've written before, Mrs. Lee has been eligible to apply for US citizenship for several years now. She doesn't want to do it and doesn't fully believe me (which is fine by me) that it's necessary for sponsoring her folks' immigrant visas. If she were to do that, it would be several years before her folks could come here because, as you might imagine, the quotas for Chinese immigrant visas are filled within in the first few hours of the first business day of each year. If they were from, say, Bhutan or Eritrea, that would be a different story. But China's population size makes that country's US immigrant visas quota fill up immediately upon the new calendar year.

just got word that my dad is (possibly mom too) coming after sis just bought a house in NW Peoria. Too bad we're on the opposite side of the valley; my parents and your in laws can hang out and play mah jong for 6 mon....no I mean 3 weeks ;)

good luck bud..sounds like you are well informed.

Minor update, but could pay big dividends later.

Took Mrs. Lee to Moab, Canyonlands and Arches for her b-day this weekend. I said I really wanted to go to China or Europe next spring. She said she wanted to bring her folks here. I said to get moving on it then.

Today one of her cousins emailed her and wants us to come babysit him in LA in November while his wife is here to have a baby in one of those Chinese birth houses in Orange County. Before you all freak out, rest assured, this cousin is very well off and they're only doing this for the US citizenship, not free healthcare or any gov't. cheese. They'll be on the next flight back to Shanghai as soon as mother and son can travel. I don't know the details, but I've read about this stuff before and I think it's pretty common in CA Chinese communities.

Anyway, Mrs. Lee is freaking out over the logistics of this, especially since it's likely I won't be able to go with her, as I start my new job next week and can't walk in there and start asking for days off. Mrs. Lee's cousin is late 30's and has money to burn. He's your typical Chinese chain smoker, doesn't speak a word of English and expects her/us to take care of everything he needs, pick him up, drive him around, run errands, etc. He even mentioned buying house in LA for this adventure, so as to not have to bother with hotels.

My thinking is the following - if Mrs. Lee is stressed about spending a few days taking a wealthy cousin around LA in a rental car, how is she going to handle two much older and less wealthy folks staying with us for weeks or months? I'll no longer be working from home, so I won't be around during the day. I now spend at least two hours a night playing my guitar for my two band practices (two different bands) a week and gigs are starting to pile up. I want to be the good son-in-law, but life is about to get very busy for me. She still doesn't think she needs to take any time off to host her folks and is having a fit about the possibility of having to go to LA on her own for a few days of babysitting an adult.

Rick

After reading your post I really like my simple life. Good luck.

not all. my wife isn't interested in a citizenship at all. going back to china for her doesn't mean getting a visa like I have to. and she returns here w/o visa hassle too. she has no interest in voting. the only thing that could possibly sway her is sponsoring her parents, but neither of them are interested in coming here permanently.

sounds like typical chinese snob. expecting others to do all legwork. but he'll survive perfectly fine in chinatown for a lifetime without ever speaking a word of english.

tell him to hire a personal translator on his own dime, not your wife as a personal servant. bugger off!

Well, this is a family obligation and we're gonna have to do it whether we want to or not. Fortunately, none of the folks in China will think any less of me, regardless of what happens. This is Mrs. Lee's thing and they all know I'm coming off a six week bout of unemployment and am starting a new job. Mrs. Lee already feels pretty bad about missing her gm's funeral last year, which another cousin of hers in Canada was able to make it to on about no notice. AFAIK, the birth house is in Orange Co., so it's not exactly a few city blocks of Chinatown, where you can walk around like in NYC. And you know a guy right off the boat from Mainland China cannot drive a car here, even if it is legal. I think this will be a great eye opener for Mrs. Lee to see what having her folks here is gonna mean for her/our lifestyles if it goes beyond a few weeks. My folks are coming here for a week around Xmas and they require no hand holding at all beyond some local directions when they want to go somewhere without us. And even then Mrs. Lee breathes a sigh of relief when they're gone and we're back on our own.

I'm glad I have kids. Nobody in the family expects anything of you other than to take care of your kids. :D