A Buddy's wife died afte a 10 yr battle w/Cancer

[Dueller]

He's a fellow lawyer, Porschefile, motorcycle enthusiast, etc. They had no kids. He's obviously out of sorts. We've talked candidly about her demise beforehand but beyond being around and lending a sympathetic ear,

I am at a bit of a loss on how to respond now. Trying to keep him somewhat distracted by getting him over, doing some joint projects, calling him and meeting for lunch. Basically just letting him know I'm herei for him, but I don't want to go overboard.

He's particularly lost as he's spent so much of the last few years taking care of her.

If any of you have lost a spouse to death, tell me what you needed most during your grieving process.

[svandamme]

no spouse myself, but i think everybody deals with it differently...
Some need distraction to get out of the pit.., some need to roll in the misery and then they snap out of it by themselves..

I'm not sure from your post how long ago this happened... but if she passed away just now.. in recentdays or weeks..maybe he need some time on his own to figure out what goes on ..?

[Dueller]

2 weeks ago

[svandamme]

that's still early days , keep in mind there's a lot that happens when somebody dies.
Funeral arrangements often take a week when a lot of things happen.
Then there's legal bits, inheritance , certain contracts ( cell phone), practical things that need to be sorted out..
It can be very hectic and stressful and no amount of "expectation" or planning beforehand really prepares you for it.
Then at some point things go quiet, and that's when the real grieving starts


Sounds to me that you are looking out for him, that's good, but these things just take time... 2 weeks is nothing in that respect.

[red-beard]

Time.

The problem is there is guilt. Guilt for living when she died. Guilt for not being able to do "something else". Not to mention just missing her.

Time will cure it. Maybe some grief counseling.

[Dueller]

All I'm doing now is trying to get him back in our routine...neeting forr lunch a few times a week. But he commented today that the evening and nights he is lost because she's not there to take care of. Before he quit drinking and she got sick we met for happy hourr a few times a week. But he went on the wagon after she got sick so that's out.

[svandamme]

That's unavoidable... Especially if there are no kids or pet's at home...

It's not a great comparison, but when i lived in Rotterdam, my cat had gotten sick while he was in a cat hotel, while i was out skying.. when i came home, went to pick him up, he was so sick he stayed at the vet for treatment.

2 weeks, drove me nuts to come home, and not be greeted by him..
coming home to an empty house is no fun.. and if it lasts a long time it can be depressing.

Keep doing what you do, be available for your pal.. do checkup on him and get him out of the house ... If there is no pet, then maybe not now, but after a while, suggest it to him to get one. Even if it's just a gold fish.. it's something to take care off, some thing to come home to, and something to talk to even if it doesn't talk back.

[futuresoptions]

Takes time man... takes time... thats all I can say...

[azasadny]

I think that getting him back on a schedule would really be helpful. Just having a buddy like you to listen to him will help...

[nostatic]

I watched my dad go through this. Took care of my mom for almost 10 years as she slowly wasted away to Parkinson's. He was lost when she finally passed (married 55 years). He ended up going to a bereavement group and that helped a lot. He met his second (and last) wife in the group.

[Baz]

Some good advice here....I will only add that he could benefit by being rescued by dog from a shelter. Lots of good ones out there who need homes. They make great companions and are great company too...

[Dueller]

Originally Posted by Baz

Some good advice here....I will only add that he could benefit by being rescued by dog from a shelter. Lots of good ones out there who need homes. They make great companions and are great company too...

He and his wife adopted a dog AND a kitten about 18 months ago that ae still with him. He commented at lunch that the pets are clearly confused and grieving as well.

Kinda odd since its rare for a pet to lose an owner. Something I've never really thought about.

[aigel]

Do more evening stuff with him. There has to be things you can do that don't involve booze. Movies, dinner at a restaurant, poker night, book club, gym, exercise class, gun range, video games, cooking and eating meals together, rebuilding an engine or another garage project you tackle together?

I like the last one best, actually. I have had several car projects together with buddies, from fixer uppers we sold later to restoration projects on nicer cars. If you are good friends and can work out the $ / hours put in, it can be great fun!

G

[onewhippedpuppy]

You're doing the right things Jim. Take him out to do fun "normal" things to help get his mind off of it. That really sucks, I can't even imagine.