I am stumped.
 

My youngest son is 17 and a senior in high school. His girlfriend of 2 months is 18 and is making up high school, she should have graduated last year. Two days ago her mother brought my son home and announced the girlfriend is pregnant. During the difficult conversation ( i had only met the mother once before) I found out she has known for about two weeks, that pissed me off a little and I let her know in a nice way. The girlfriend has made up her mind that she wants to keep the baby, partly due to my sons vow of support to her. He lives with me, she lives with her parents. Her parents support her decision and my son wants me to support it as well. I am having a difficult time not blowing up at him as I see this as a HUGE mistake that can be corrected now but not for long. Does anyone have any experience with this? I have two other sons 20, and 22. I really thought my 22 year old would have been the one to do something like this. I look at it like he is on a ledge and I cant talk him down. I can't support his decision, he is a kid.

Sandy - tough situation.

Only think I can suggest is to try and bring in some counseling.

I think too - if your son and g/f could hear "testimonials" from couples who became parents at too young an age....maybe that would provide a reality check.

Good luck!

Well....thats a tough one. For sure both these kids need the love and support of their families, no matter what they decide to do. Whether this is the right choice or not is only a question time can answer. My sister was in a similar situation as a grade 12 student, it made it harder for her and the father, but at the same time my nephew is one of the great joys in our life.......

So, you would prefer she abort the child?

I would ask for a DNA test regardless since the timing is odd given the two month relationship, two week lag time from her Mom letting you know, etc. Six weeks from hello to pregnant?

Your son's life just changed.

From the comments section:

Teen pregnancy might not be a part of your personal experience, but for many Americans it is a part of everyday life. When this video was created in 2007, 1 in 3 teenagers did indeed become pregnant by age 20. The number's shifted slightly since then and is now closer to 3 in 10. If you want to learn more about where this number comes from, our website's "Resources" section has a fact sheet about it in the "Teen Birth/ Pregnancy Data" section under the heading "Calculations."

<iframe width="640" height="480" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/n8UEX2R-uGo" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

Time to lawyer up. Your son is not legal age, and you are entitled to protect him whether he rejects your advice or not.

Use your attorney to compel a DNA test, even if all parties reject that idea.

In my opinion, this girl is a drifter who wants to use your son as a sperm donor and a meal ticket. Happens all the time, especially near military bases.

_

Definitely..... One of my friends (22) just went through a similar situation. Turned out to not be his kid, but the process still cost he and his mother nearly 10k......


No offense but keep an eye on this girl, why is it taking her two try's to graduate? She sounds like trouble....

The timing is a little odd to me as well, as far as abortion? I am not sure, but If I had known a little closer to when it actually happened plan B might have been an option. He needs my support but every time we start talking about it the "rose colored glasses" take effect which puts me into full on DRB mode. Everyone involved needs a counselor at this point.

Two months is usually the soonest a girl is aware that she *might* be pregnant. The timing is definitely suspicious, it's like she was waiting for this to happen. Definitely within the first trimester, so abortion is still a possibility and should be discussed with your son on a nightly basis right after dinner.

_

Used to be when you died in your 30's-40's, that you'd get married at 12-14, so I don't see the age as a big deal. Don't kill a kid, you'll be making a serious emotional harm that will never be able to fully go away.

As with the others, you need to find out if it is/isn't his kid. Secondly, if it is his kid, he needs to be able to dig in and work something that allows him to make his own home.

If he's a careful attentive kid, I could suggest becoming an apprentice machinists, lots of demand for a good machinist. Might cap in life at $30-60K yearly, but thats enough to live on in most places of the country.

Teaching irresponsibility at this point is going to make the rest of his life a deep hell that will be very hard to dig out of. I find guys that didn't man up to where they stuck themselves up, have very poor work ethics, and rarely ever can stick with a decent job. Fourty years down the road, it won't be good.

I'm just throwing this out as I can already see where this thread is going.... Lets keep the political/religious opinions out of this, and just try to help crusty through this.....

Also..... She's of age.... Are you positive it was consensual? ;). You do have legal leverage here, and be glad the ages aren't reversed....

There are groups of girls in the Seattle high schools whose mission is to get pregnant before they graduate. Most of those girls end up in the projects on welfare. Of the others, some end up getting an abortion if the boy is underage, and his parents get a lawyer and start making things difficult.

It will be telling to see the girl's reaction when you hire a lawyer to fight her. She might give up and move on to an easier victim... for instance, one who is 18 instead of 17.

_

Crusty,

Happened to me. My son was 16, she was 17. The had dated for 6+ months then broke up. A month later they announce they are pregnant. We demanded a paternity test which I would demand if I was in your shoes. We did it because of the break up, we thought there was a chance she had cheated on him since she broke it off. We were wrong, paternity test was high 90's % chance it was his and once Nicholas was born we were certain since he looks just like my son. They have since married and have a second. They are a beautiful family and my son works very hard to support them and put himself through college. So far, they are doing it mostly on there own. That was 5 years ago and I am very proud of my son. I can't tell you what to look for to make sure things are ok for your son but I was in your shoes. PM me if you would like to talk. I am leaving for the evening but could talk soon. Hang in there I know this is tough...

I encourage you to proceed carefully. Five years from now you don't want to be known as the guy that didn't want his grandchild to be born. You also don't want to damage a relationship with someone who may be in your life forever, whether you like it or not.

I find it commendable that your son wants to stand up and do right by her and the baby. Even if he's a bit naive, that speaks to his character. As said before, his life has changed, no matter what happens from here on out. If you pressure them for abortion, he could carry that for the rest of his life as well. I have friends dealing with issues from that.

Above all, make sure that your relationship with your son stays intact. Of course you're mad, but that anger isn't going to help anybody.

You have my total sympathy, man...

Try to push her to place the baby up for adoption, and agree to help support he until then. Baby gets to live and your son gets off the hook. And you commit a great act of love for a wanting couple!

Thanks for the advice so far, I am trying not to be the bad guy with no heart. My son is a good guy but I think he is a little disillusioned about how difficult it will be. I talked to him at length about the timing and the possibility it isn't his. They will not do testing until the child is born. I guess because of the risks involved. He says if it isn't his he will move on and not assume responsibility.
I am sure that if the ages were reversed we would be in a VERY different mode of coping.
I realize there is not much my wife and I can do at this point and anger isn't the answer, what has been done is done.

This.

Your not being unreasonable to ask for a paternity test. But I would keep the lawyers out of it unless it gets really nasty.

We always assume the worst, but your son and this girl might end up being good parents. You just don't know. I sure as hell wouldn't want anyone looking at the 17-18 year old me, and predicting my future. I was a train wreck back then.

I know a woman who got pregnant at 18, the father was on his way to prison for felony assault with a weapon. She ended up getting a degree, finding a great guy, having 3 more beautiful kids.....you just don't know.

All your son can do it be honorable, and keep being honorable. History has a way of sorting the truth.

And by the way, not to make light of the situation, but let me be the first to say it: Congratulations grandpa! :D

I agree. I know you want to make a decision now but a little time to let the situation and possible solutions sink in might help. I do agree with everybody that a paternity test should be first. Expensive but may save you a lot of heartache and more money in the long run.

I know he's a "kid" and the decision he makes is going to affect his life forever and as a parent, it is so hard to not jump in and "fix" things. But in the end, whatever he, she, you, decides, he got himself into a really "adult" situation. So, start treating him like an adult. You would be surprised when a young man or woman gets stuck in an adult situation and you treat them like an adult and expect them to act like an adult, they do. My sister got pregnant when she was in high school. She grew up fast and made a lot of mistakes. But man, did she learn and grow from them.

Just be strong and support your son. Be a role model to him of what a good father is because he just may soon be one.

Sandy,

My thoughts are:

- Get DNA test to make sure.
- If it's your Son's, then the baby is your grandchild. Teach your Son to be a dad and be the best grandparent that you can be.
- Do not give them TOO MUCH help as it usually stifles growth. More emotional support and less financial support....balance it.
- Use all the leadership the Navy taught you, you'll need it.

Chief,

This just happened to my nephew, although he was 18 and he had just turned 17. He was in Air Force Acadamy and she was a server at a greasy spoon living with her 40 year old mother and her newborn sister of 6 months, both the kids fatherless.

They are married while he works for minimum wage at a furniture store. His life is absolutely shot at this point. Very sad.

Do the paternity test. Do not worry about being hard nose right now because you might be thinking that you should have been harder on him earlier. This is a biggee and I hope you guys get thru it.

18-year-old girl in her second year as a high-school senior. She is in the perfect target-rich environment. Every boy in the school has a hard-on. All she needs to do is get one of them alone for a minute or two...

She has been his "girlfriend" for two months, and she is two months pregnant. It is obvious what her priorities are, and that she used him to get pregnant.

Sad to read most of the responses here, to see what our country has become over the last 40 years. 40 years ago when I was 17, if this happened to me, my parents would show their support for me by helping me FIGHT THIS via any and all legal means possible. If I were you, my first stop would be Legal Services on base, and I would operate independently of my son if necessary. Who gives a rip what "others" think of you, this is your son, and he is a minor.

_

+1, sorry for the situation. Can't imagine your frustration and concern.

Sandy,

You are fine, Brother, no one questions that. You will do what you think is best, which will be the right thing.

You love your son, all that matters.

Haha.
We discussed the adoption route, open and closed. They seem to think they will both go to college and finish a degree, neither have thought about who is going to pay for / care for the kids needs through this time. I brought up the option of him accelerating high school diploma studies and then accelerating his life by joining the Navy. I don't know where his thoughts are on that yet.
I know putting this sort of thing on the internet is kind of strange, but over the years I have really been helped by all of your inputs to difficulties shared by others. In other words, you guys and gals are great and I value your opinions.
I never thought this would happen to my son, it only happens to those guys on the Maury Povich show right?

I agree with everyone who says get the paternity test. The timing is just too questionable and you don't want to go through this for someone else's grandchild.
You know him better than anyone. Do you think it is realistic that he will have the discipline and ambition to follow through with this college plan? Assuming the baby is his and they get married I would encourage some sort of structured environment like the military. It's too easy for a young person to get distracted, let things slip, and end up a furniture salesman barely making the rent every month.

^I agree.

I also recommend he tread very lightly when stating he'll support her "no matter what". If he openly proclaims his intent to support, even if the kid turns out to NOT be his, he can still be on the hook for child support till 18. Especially in Cali.

I hope it's not that messy but still...

Absolutely. The girl also needs to hear from women that have had an abortion and live the rest of their lives in regret. There is not pat answer. She can end the pregnancy but unfortunately nothing can make the issue of what has happened (and all the emotional baggage that goes with it) go away.

Let them know that although this isn't what's best, they can still have a good life ahead of them however they decide to proceed.

+1 on this.
I was 19 when my first son was born, my wife 20, we had been dating for about a year. We had both been raised in different environments hers strong Latin/Catholic mine White/Mormon we both had support from the families but man oh man those first years were tough.
Now 25 years later we are still married with three kids so it is doable but a long road.
My son being born made me grow up fast, I was going no where and all of a sudden a child was relying on me to provide, so off to work I went.
Give him support ht is going to need your advice/wisdom a lot. Kudos to him for manning up.

Tough situation for sure.

Reminds me of a young man I knew. He was this redhead freckle face kid, about 19-20 years old when his girlfriend tells him she is pregnant. They get married and his family sets them up in a nice little house, supply furniture, baby bed, baby clothes, everything they needed for the new arrival. The big day comes and his whole family, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc., is at the hospital waiting for the baby. The baby pops out and... you guessed it... is blacker than the ace of spades.
Needless to say, things were a bit tense for a while, but eventually the shock wore off, the proud grandparents continued their support and the young couple stayed together and had kids of their own.
So, I guess my point is "life is what you make it."

if my wifes mom had made the abortion decision 45 years ago, she would not be here and i would not have the wonderfull daughter i have now.

support your sons decisions. being a man is not how big your shlong is or how many woman you sleep with, its how you deal with responsibitly. it sounds like he is on his way to being a man, help him with that.
i have seen more marrages struggle and more young families struggle due to non parent support, even to the point of the parents wanting nothing to due with grandkids.

i have always said, by the time kids are 8-10 years old, your done raising them. your chances of having influence over them is done. now it just a matter of raising them by how you act and support your kids. trust me. adopting a 12 year old boy and trying to break the influence of a dead beat mother is only done by example. i can talk and yell til iim blue in the face. it is only by how i deal with every day life that has any influeance.

taking the easy way out does not always make us stronger. doing things the hardest way does not make us smarter. dealing with the situation at hand in the proper way does.
life is not over just because of a kid.

i would have a paternity test done. if it is his, welcome the baby and the mother and her family into yours. you might be surprised at how it effects your son.
keep the negative comments and feelings to your wife and keep them behind closed doors.

make sure they both finish school, even if it means $$ support from you.

I will need to see pics of the daughter prior to giving a professional opinion.

No need to make decisions you may regret right now. After all you have 7 more months to think about this.

Unless an emergency arises, DNA tests are rarely performed prior to the birth of the child. I agree with a couple of other posters to this thread that the timing is somewhat suspect. While some women can get pregnant with "one shot" most often it takes a fair bit of work. Of course a 17 year old boy is more than up to the task.

I would try to calmly sit down with your son and discuss the matter. Find out when he first had intercourse with her.

Now for the legal aspects. I believe a 17 year old in California, that has not been emancipated, needs parental consent to get married. This becomes important because if they marry before the child is born, the child is presumed to be his. So try not to hurry any marriage plans along.

If they stay together over the next 7 months, fall madly in love, and have plans for the future, the best thing you can do is be supportive. If not, don't expect to be over for any family celebrations.

If things between them don't work out, you need to have a plan of action. If she is trys to collect any state benefits for the child, she has to name a father. If she names your son, then he will get hit for child support when he turns 18. The better plan of action would be for your son, again when he turns 18, to file a Petition for determination of Paternity. Once paternity is determined, then move forward with deciding custody, child support, visitation, etc.

I would suggest sitting them down SEPERATELY and have "the talk."

Not the who-dilly and va-jay-jay talk, the real talk. As you address each of them tell them to show you how much it costs to raise a child for the first 5 years, then the next 5 years. Then have them show you what THEIR 5 and 10 year plan is for accomplishing this BY THEMSELVES. No g-ma and g-pa help, no help from the other person, assume you have to do this BY YOURSELF no government support - what is your plan? There isn't one...

This is the reality. After you've confirmed with both of them seperately that they are adrift in their ideas and lack of understanding of what is involved with raising a child, then sit them down together and work out the 5 and 10 year plans.

Those plans must include expenses, both immediate and longer term, child care costs/duties, and career development. Short term solutions such as quitting school and working for a minimum wage job are stop gap measures, not PLANS. They must make plans to pay for, and care for, the baby's needs. Each of these two young people must figure out how they would do this autonomously - if an accident takes one of them, or your son is NOT the father, then the burden will fall on one person. Plan accordingly.

This is a major discussion with life changing actions in the balance. A reality gut-punch. I do not envy you, but I think this is very needed. Raising children is not for the timid, the meek, or the unprepared (even if that's how many of us started out)...

angela

Let this be a lesson to our teenage sons: Even if she says she is on the pill, ALWAYS wrap your willie and flush the evidence.

You have my deepest respect. You, sir, deserve the respect of every male who aspires to be a man. Taking care of his children is the highest calling of a man.

Tough situation your family's in Chief, but you've been through much tougher times than this! You're getting some good advice here, I would recommend the adoption route, but that's just me. I do not support abortions, but then again, I'm not having one, am I? Their life will be a little more difficult with a child to care for at their age, but many have done it. Your son's strength of character will help, but the girl's irresponsibility (still not finished with school) will not help. Support them in any way you feel is appropriate and love them through this.