I am stumped.

[crustychief]

My youngest son is 17 and a senior in high school. His girlfriend of 2 months is 18 and is making up high school, she should have graduated last year. Two days ago her mother brought my son home and announced the girlfriend is pregnant. During the difficult conversation ( i had only met the mother once before) I found out she has known for about two weeks, that pissed me off a little and I let her know in a nice way. The girlfriend has made up her mind that she wants to keep the baby, partly due to my sons vow of support to her. He lives with me, she lives with her parents. Her parents support her decision and my son wants me to support it as well. I am having a difficult time not blowing up at him as I see this as a HUGE mistake that can be corrected now but not for long. Does anyone have any experience with this? I have two other sons 20, and 22. I really thought my 22 year old would have been the one to do something like this. I look at it like he is on a ledge and I cant talk him down. I can't support his decision, he is a kid.

[Baz]

Sandy - tough situation.

Only think I can suggest is to try and bring in some counseling.

I think too - if your son and g/f could hear "testimonials" from couples who became parents at too young an age....maybe that would provide a reality check.

Good luck!

[mikesride]

Well....thats a tough one. For sure both these kids need the love and support of their families, no matter what they decide to do. Whether this is the right choice or not is only a question time can answer. My sister was in a similar situation as a grade 12 student, it made it harder for her and the father, but at the same time my nephew is one of the great joys in our life.......

[Seahawk]

So, you would prefer she abort the child?

I would ask for a DNA test regardless since the timing is odd given the two month relationship, two week lag time from her Mom letting you know, etc. Six weeks from hello to pregnant?

Your son's life just changed.

Originally Posted by crustychief

My youngest son is 17 and a senior in high school. His girlfriend of 2 months is 18 and is making up high school, she should have graduated last year. Two days ago her mother brought my son home and announced the girlfriend is pregnant. During the difficult conversation ( i had only met the mother once before) I found out she has known for about two weeks, that pissed me off a little and I let her know in a nice way. The girlfriend has made up her mind that she wants to keep the baby, partly due to my sons vow of support to her. He lives with me, she lives with her parents. Her parents support her decision and my son wants me to support it as well. I am having a difficult time not blowing up at him as I see this as a HUGE mistake that can be corrected now but not for long. Does anyone have any experience with this? I have two other sons 20, and 22. I really thought my 22 year old would have been the one to do something like this. I look at it like he is on a ledge and I cant talk him down. I can't support his decision, he is a kid.

[Baz]

From the comments section:

Teen pregnancy might not be a part of your personal experience, but for many Americans it is a part of everyday life. When this video was created in 2007, 1 in 3 teenagers did indeed become pregnant by age 20. The number's shifted slightly since then and is now closer to 3 in 10. If you want to learn more about where this number comes from, our website's "Resources" section has a fact sheet about it in the "Teen Birth/ Pregnancy Data" section under the heading "Calculations."

[genrex]

Time to lawyer up. Your son is not legal age, and you are entitled to protect him whether he rejects your advice or not.

Use your attorney to compel a DNA test, even if all parties reject that idea.

In my opinion, this girl is a drifter who wants to use your son as a sperm donor and a meal ticket. Happens all the time, especially near military bases.

_

[porsche4life]

Originally Posted by Seahawk

I would ask for a DNA test regardless since the timing is odd given the two month relationship, two week lag time from her Mom letting you know, etc. Six weeks from hello to pregnant?

Your son's life just changed.

Definitely..... One of my friends (22) just went through a similar situation. Turned out to not be his kid, but the process still cost he and his mother nearly 10k......


No offense but keep an eye on this girl, why is it taking her two try's to graduate? She sounds like trouble....

[Baz]

[crustychief]

The timing is a little odd to me as well, as far as abortion? I am not sure, but If I had known a little closer to when it actually happened plan B might have been an option. He needs my support but every time we start talking about it the "rose colored glasses" take effect which puts me into full on DRB mode. Everyone involved needs a counselor at this point.

[genrex]

Two months is usually the soonest a girl is aware that she *might* be pregnant. The timing is definitely suspicious, it's like she was waiting for this to happen. Definitely within the first trimester, so abortion is still a possibility and should be discussed with your son on a nightly basis right after dinner.

_

[Tervuren]

Used to be when you died in your 30's-40's, that you'd get married at 12-14, so I don't see the age as a big deal. Don't kill a kid, you'll be making a serious emotional harm that will never be able to fully go away.

As with the others, you need to find out if it is/isn't his kid. Secondly, if it is his kid, he needs to be able to dig in and work something that allows him to make his own home.

If he's a careful attentive kid, I could suggest becoming an apprentice machinists, lots of demand for a good machinist. Might cap in life at $30-60K yearly, but thats enough to live on in most places of the country.

Teaching irresponsibility at this point is going to make the rest of his life a deep hell that will be very hard to dig out of. I find guys that didn't man up to where they stuck themselves up, have very poor work ethics, and rarely ever can stick with a decent job. Fourty years down the road, it won't be good.

[porsche4life]

I'm just throwing this out as I can already see where this thread is going.... Lets keep the political/religious opinions out of this, and just try to help crusty through this.....

[porsche4life]

Also..... She's of age.... Are you positive it was consensual? . You do have legal leverage here, and be glad the ages aren't reversed....

[genrex]

There are groups of girls in the Seattle high schools whose mission is to get pregnant before they graduate. Most of those girls end up in the projects on welfare. Of the others, some end up getting an abortion if the boy is underage, and his parents get a lawyer and start making things difficult.

It will be telling to see the girl's reaction when you hire a lawyer to fight her. She might give up and move on to an easier victim... for instance, one who is 18 instead of 17.

_

[red911sc]

Crusty,

Happened to me. My son was 16, she was 17. The had dated for 6+ months then broke up. A month later they announce they are pregnant. We demanded a paternity test which I would demand if I was in your shoes. We did it because of the break up, we thought there was a chance she had cheated on him since she broke it off. We were wrong, paternity test was high 90's % chance it was his and once Nicholas was born we were certain since he looks just like my son. They have since married and have a second. They are a beautiful family and my son works very hard to support them and put himself through college. So far, they are doing it mostly on there own. That was 5 years ago and I am very proud of my son. I can't tell you what to look for to make sure things are ok for your son but I was in your shoes. PM me if you would like to talk. I am leaving for the evening but could talk soon. Hang in there I know this is tough...

[Head416]

I encourage you to proceed carefully. Five years from now you don't want to be known as the guy that didn't want his grandchild to be born. You also don't want to damage a relationship with someone who may be in your life forever, whether you like it or not.

I find it commendable that your son wants to stand up and do right by her and the baby. Even if he's a bit naive, that speaks to his character. As said before, his life has changed, no matter what happens from here on out. If you pressure them for abortion, he could carry that for the rest of his life as well. I have friends dealing with issues from that.

Above all, make sure that your relationship with your son stays intact. Of course you're mad, but that anger isn't going to help anybody.

[pwd72s]

You have my total sympathy, man...

[daepp]

Try to push her to place the baby up for adoption, and agree to help support he until then. Baby gets to live and your son gets off the hook. And you commit a great act of love for a wanting couple!

[crustychief]

Thanks for the advice so far, I am trying not to be the bad guy with no heart. My son is a good guy but I think he is a little disillusioned about how difficult it will be. I talked to him at length about the timing and the possibility it isn't his. They will not do testing until the child is born. I guess because of the risks involved. He says if it isn't his he will move on and not assume responsibility.
I am sure that if the ages were reversed we would be in a VERY different mode of coping.
I realize there is not much my wife and I can do at this point and anger isn't the answer, what has been done is done.

[HardDrive]

Originally Posted by Head416

I encourage you to proceed carefully. Five years from now you don't want to be known as the guy that didn't want his grandchild to be born. You also don't want to damage a relationship with someone who may be in your life forever, whether you like it or not.

This.

Your not being unreasonable to ask for a paternity test. But I would keep the lawyers out of it unless it gets really nasty.

We always assume the worst, but your son and this girl might end up being good parents. You just don't know. I sure as hell wouldn't want anyone looking at the 17-18 year old me, and predicting my future. I was a train wreck back then.

I know a woman who got pregnant at 18, the father was on his way to prison for felony assault with a weapon. She ended up getting a degree, finding a great guy, having 3 more beautiful kids.....you just don't know.

All your son can do it be honorable, and keep being honorable. History has a way of sorting the truth.