What a Vasectomy is Really Like
 

1/3/13

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So I did it. Got the snip -- the tiny tubes terminated -- pinched off the old baby batter blaster -- you get the picture. While it was (as every man who has ever had it done at least one year prior will tell you) a very simple and quick procedure, I would not ever in good conscience tell another man considering it that it was anything less than a miserable experience. Most guys (fellow blank shooters) I spoke with played it down and made it sound as easy and manly as getting a few stitches after a bar brawl -- well I beg to differ. Although, all the slice-snip-burn-sew blow by blow, step by step tales I was told were frighteningly similar -- and mine is no different:

THEY TAPE YOUR DICK!!!- So after sitting slightly nervous and unquestionably cold in an ass-less gown for about 15 minutes -- periodically wiggling my pink pal just to shake out the shrinkage all the while being mindful not go full mast -- I mean who gets a hard-on in a cold doctor's office while waiting for some dude to rip open your sack and jam some scissors in the hole? Not this weirdo -- Anyhoo, the doctor & nurse bust in like they were trying to catch me jerkin' it (I'm too quick handed to worry about that) and get to work. I lay back, and ol' doc flips up the gown with the vigor and assuredness of a popular jock prom date -- pulls out and rips off about two feet of masking tape -- grabs my cock -- stretches it past my belly button -- and tapes it quite securely to my abdomen. In hindsight I think it's so my Johnson didn't retract into my pelvis as the pain, shame and discomfort slowly consumed me.

MEATBALLS IN A HOLE- The next step in prepping for the procedure was a generous coat of peroxide lathering my thighs -- then came the covering. The doc held up a dishtowel sized heavy cloth with a 3-4 inch diameter hole, well stitched and reinforced with a canvas-like material (you know, so your balls don't tear through it like wet toilet paper when they figure out what's about to happen to them). My freshly shaved scrotum poked through and also received an incredibly cold peroxide dousing. He says "this might get a little uncomfortable" and begins kneading and emulsifying my scrotum between his fingers looking for the right tube to terminate (there are a few on either side) and then came the needle. . .

YOU FEEL EVERYTHING- "You're probably going to feel a sharp pain and a some burning, but then you should not feel any pain from here on" -- Now, it's not that he was lying, but it's really not that simple. Needles don't bug me and a Novocaine shot is really not that high on the pain scale -- so far so good. Then he cut into my scrotum using some Chinese method I got a pamphlet on, but didn't give a **** enough to read about -- felt every bit of it, but it was not painful -- numb, but sensitive enough to know exactly what was happening down there without looking. He tears me open quite aggressively (still no pain, but discomfort was creeping in) and then the snip. . ...Ooooohhhhhh the snip. I could write a 2000 adjective only essay on the sensation that shot through my lower abdomen and there is not a woman on this planet that could read it and have even a slightest inkling of what I experienced in that very moment, but it only takes four words to let a brother know -- Kicked In The Balls. Not the initial contact pain like when the foot hits the ball or the balls slap the thigh or butthole, but the stomach ache fallout that follows. It's extreme nausea without the possibility of puking AND getting the wind knocked out of you without the breathing issue AND the cold sweats of a fever without the hot skin mixed with the sharp stinging sensation (and I'm assuming here) of being stabbed.

This was the point where I made the decision not to look up and see what was going on -- let me explain: It was during the birth of our first child that I discovered something about myself that had not previously occurred to me -- blood and gore does not phase me in person. I actually cringe sometimes when watching something particularly graphic in a movie or on TV, but when I peeked over the curtain while sitting beside my beautiful and insanely brave wife and (against the advice of the doctors and nurses in the room) peered directly into my wife's open abdomen -- did not feel faint or woozy or even the slightest bit phased witnessing the c-section birth of our daughter (I think that I am one in a very small group of men that can truthfully say that my wife is indeed beautiful both inside and out). And again for my son's circumcision (it's not mutilation if it can actually help him get laid when he is of sound mind and consenting age) where I watched wide-eyed and unflinching as they pinned back and peeled off the extra skin of my infant's penis without so much as nose crinkle. It surprised me -- I felt slightly faint in anticipation both times, but not even a knee buckle once the gore was in view. Now, after all that chest pounding I will humbly admit that I was in no condition and harbored no desire to attain so much as a glimpse of what this sadistic prick was doing to the closest friends of my taped dong.

EVER WONDER WHAT BURNT SCROTUM SMELLS LIKE?- I'm not totally sure exactly what was cauterized, but I smelled it. Didn't bug me -- it's the first thing every non-lethal sharpshooter out there told me about because it was so disturbing for them -- and because of that I was mentally prepared for it. It was weird though -- worth mentioning.

THERE ARE TWO- I am well aware that I'm no genius and this may just be common sense to most men out there -- maybe it's because I never gave it very much thought -- but it is a two part procedure and that did not initially occur to me. Two places to numb, two holes to cut, two tubes to snip and remove (which look like two small sections of spaghetti noodles -- which my doctor pointed out when he showed me commenting, "hope you weren't planning on pasta for dinner tonight" -- worth the co-pay alone) because most men have. . .everybody now. . .two balls. Duh. This was both surprising and disappointing to me as the first one is no picnic and after the full frontal sense assault I was in no mood to go through it again, but it was actually a lot easier. This time I was already entirely numb and I could identify each tug and snip as landmarks along the shameful journey and I knew exactly how many more pokes and puffs of flesh smoke were left until I could get out of there and get a burrito.

. . .AND THEN I PASSED OUT- Okay, procedure's over -- doc is gone -- nurse is gone -- and it quickly becomes (painfully) obvious that I did not shave above my penis as I rip the tape -- and my pubes -- off of my abdomen. That hurt, but detaching the tape from the loose skin of my now embarrassingly small and shriveled dick helped me to forget real quick. I was not in any pain, but I instinctively got dressed and walked out of the doctor's office (yes office -- no surgical room) like a 90 year-old with osteoporosis after a 2000 mile donkey ride. I think my ego/pride/mojo was more injured than my balls. I was texting my supportive mate to come pick me up, but looked up to see her popping up from a waiting room chair -- mojo back -- posture back -- let's go eat! We carefully walked to the car and headed to the pharmacy to pick up my new best friend for the next two days. Driving along I gave my better half a quick and g-rated rundown of the procedure and about 4 miles out the car began to close in on me. The corners got dark and I warned my bride that I was going to go under for a moment and then the entire conversation we just had played back in my head at a much higher volume and furious pace -- the screaming in my mind gave way to white noise and I came to slouched in my seat and looking over at an angelic, but severely concerned companion. If getting your balls fondled and shredded by another man doesn't **** with your self-esteem, passing out like a little girl shortly thereafter kind of closes the deal. Feel free to make fun of me.

Awesome (in the oldest meaning, that is) read.

They can snip mine in the anatomy college lesson after my soul has moved to the eternal hunting grounds.

My concerns about vasectomies are not the procedure. Since this isn't a "should I have a vasectomy thread", I will hold back with my two cents on that - don't have to add insult to injury.

How long were you passed out?

G

FWIW, and if it makes you feel better, I had a similar experience. Stay in bed, frozen peas are your friend. Things will be fine. Seriously, stay at home and in bed for 2-3 days. You'll be thankful you did.

I appreciate the full disclosure! I knew all those "it's not so bad" guys had to be lying!

Great story!

No snip for me. The wife's had her tubes cut during the last c-section, which was awesome to watch. Looked like that little monster in predator coming out I think it was!

Great story! My experience was very similar with the following differences

-My procedure was in a busy ward, no time to close the door or pull the curtain. Spread eagle, pants at ankles, other "lambs to the slaughter" wives and UPS guys takin' a quick look as they go by the door .

-Various other nursing staff stop by for a quick look, literally.

-No tape, but the doc did try to pull my dick to the ceiling

-I knew there was shaving involved so before I went to the hospital I shaved but did not know how far to go. When the nurse came to shave me she felt compelled to discuss that I had done a good job. She looked at and flipped my junk around for only a lifetime or two.

-no peroxide, alcohol straight from the Ice bar, was splashed about with abandon

-I got the 2 "double 00 bore" needles of Novocaine. At that point I explained to the DOC that for whatever reason the typical freezing does not work to well on me. My Dentist uses a stronger one or more of it. He smiles and says "sure, whatever you say". He comes back a little later into the still wide open room, dodging couriers and the general public, and starts to snip my bag with scissors. Looks at me surprised and says "I guess you weren't kidding about the freezing!"
2 more shots and a little more time passes. More snipping with the scissors, the gut wrenching, kicked in the balls feeling when the tubes are cut and burned and it's over.

-I pull my pants up and look out the room at the guys waiting next. They are sheet white and look scared ****-less. My shame immediately passed and I laughed my ass off. One guy looked even more afraid then.

Some advice. Lay on the couch and watch TV for a few days. Don't lift anything. Not even the door on the dishwasher. Eat lots of fiber, you don't want to push anything.

Barry

I think I am going to reschedule my procedure now.

Just make sure you wait before you pump out the samples to look for swimmers. A few weeks after getting snipped an over eager buddy of mine after deploying his now defunct spunk for the 4th or 5th time in a day burst something. All fun and games till your scroat's the size of a grapefruit and you need to get lanced.....

Great right up too btw..

Bill

Don't think I need this at sixty six but thanks for the details, perhaps in my next life as a golden retriever.

i just remember when they pulled the tubes/balls or what ever they pulled out to cut and burn. it felt like it was attatched to the back of my eyeballs and they were going to pull my eyes back into my head.

the smell, oh yea, the smell.

^^^ this was the worst part of the whole procedure. The 6 interns that watched were merely a minor distraction.

Great write-up btw.

Ian

Excellent writing.

Here's the "Reader's Digest" version.
You put the gown on.
They give you a shot to relax you.
They shave your unit.
Another shot of GOOD STUFF!
Now you are really relaxed.
They snip and stitch.
You wait a bit.
Your wife drives you home.
You relax the rest of the day - it does not hurt now but it will, but not too badly. Ice applied lessens the pain.
That's all.

But that is not nearly as funny and informative. ;)

My balls hurt just reading that. I often tell my wife that I should have it done (3 kids are plenty), now I'm not so sure.....

Best of Craigslist - I've read that before and it's still just as entertaining!

Damn, I made it to the point now where my wife's menopause (at 50) is the best birth control. Sheeew!

I swear he left out the background part about how they hire the nurse assistants for these procedures. It is a little known job requirement that they be part-time exotic dancers which makes everything little thing harder.

Exactly. And you can drive yourself home. In a 911.

Pack of drama queens.

Mine did not hurt a bit. They had me lie down and started an IV. Shaved a spot on each testicle about half the size of a dime. Put a sheet over me with a hole cut in it about the size of my testicles. (no tape). Then pulled my testicles up through the hole. Then gave me a couple of shots of local anesthetic in the loose skin where they had shaved.

After the meds started taking effect, the young doc told me that he was glad he was getting to do this as it was his first time and he had been wanting to do one. He looked a little worried, but right then a fairly attractive woman in white (PA or nurse) came in and reassured him. She was cracking jokes and told me not to worry as she had seen plenty of packages...although mine was indeed a fine example. She also told him not to worry as it would be impossible to screw up as the only other things in there he could mistakenly cut were arteries. He asked "how will I know?" and she said, "...because the blood will spray all over the ceiling". He looked a little sick, but I thought it was hilarious. It was a regular stand up conedy act.

Then they asked me if they could use the procedure for training. Since the meds were making me very pliable...I responded "sure". He said, that is great! No one has ever said yes before." In a couple minutes they ushered in three new, giggly 18 year old aides/technicians who apparently had not seen a package or at least one like mine (don't know if that is good or bad)...because their eyes were big as saucers. They apparently hadn't seen blood before either because when he made the first small incision, the blond exclaimed loudly, "I think I am going to be sick" and all three ran out.

The doctor then fished out each tube with a tool that looked like a crochet hook and snipped it. I noticed he flinched a little when doing so (must have remembered the artery joke). I did not feel a thing and was cracking jokes the whole time (did I say the meds were quite good?). He zapped each tube to cauterize it and put a single stitch over each tiny incision.

I went home for the afternoon and put the bag of frozen veggies on my lap and took my meds as directed. I felt pretty much normal the entire time and went back to work the next morning.